The Herculean Tasks of Shuuhei Hisagi
by Barbellenel
Summary: OR WHO'S PUNKING WHOM Hisagi with the help of Renji, Ikkaku, Kira, Yumi, is forced to complete a series of silly Hercules-type tasks from Shunsui in order to win Nanao's hand which he doesn't want to begin with. ShuuXNan. Humor/adventure/romance/revenge!
1. The Plan

**SUBTITLED _WHO'S PUNKING WHO(M)?_**

**A/N I do not own Bleach or any of the characters, but I am grateful to Tite Kubo for his genius. **

**Is Byakuya really a stripper? Is Hisagi really a cross dresser? Is Nanao really the date from hell? Or is there a reasonable explanation for it all? This will be a long story with much more idiocy to come. I write to bring a smile to your face. Hopefully, canon mistakes or out of character experiences will not be held against me. I have tried to minimize both, but sometimes, I just have too much fun writing to care. Enjoy, my friends!**

**Total humor and a little sweetness between Hisagi and Nanao.**

* * *

"What time is it, Nanao Dear?" asked Captain Shunsui Kyouraku, captain of the eighth division to his lieutenant, Nanao Ise. He was lying motionless on the couch in their office while she was completing paperwork for him in the large book she always carried.

"Look at the clock."

"My eyes are closed."

She glared up at him from her book and said curtly, "Fine, it's close to two."

"Nanao dear, have you seen my hat?"

"If you'd open your eyes, you'd see that it was on your head," she replied angrily.

"It's too much effort. You're sure it's there?"

"Of course, it's there. I'm looking at it."

"Oh, Nanao, what would I do without you? You are my eyes. Can you also be my ears? Do you hear a knock at the door?"

"No, I don't."

"Then I don't either. Put your work away and come lie with me under my hat. The sun is very bright today."

She looked at the large volume in her hands and then to her captain with disgust.

"Number one. You're inside. Number two. Your eyes are closed, so even if you were outside, you still couldn't see the sun. Number three. I'd much rather get a thousand paper cuts than to ever share a hat with you. Number four. You know all of this and you are just trying to irritate me yet again."

"Check the door, won't you, Nanao Dear?"

"And that's number five. No one is there, and I have work to do."

Just then, the door flew open and Jushiro Ukitake, captain of the thirteenth division, breezed into the room.

"Was that you knocking, Jushiro?" asked the reclining Kyouraku.

"What took so long, old friend? I've been knocking for what seemed like hours," asked the man with the flowing white hair.

"I'm afraid my little Nanao didn't hear you."

"Captain!" said a nervous Nanao. "I'm so sorry. I didn't hear you knock."

"It's alright, Nanao. I should have let myself in sooner."

"I may have to replace her, Jushiro, don't you think? She can be my eyes and find my hat, but she fails as my ears."

"You could never replace me. No one else would put up with you!"

"She's falling down on the job, she's harsh with me, and she nags too much, Jushiro. And she never has a kind word to say to her poor old captain. It makes me sad."

"And you drive me crazy!"

"It's a good thing you didn't come a few minutes later, Jushiro. You might have found us sharing my hat, eh, Nanao?" Kyouraku threw her a sly grin.

Infuriated, Nanao burst into a tirade. "I never said I would share your hat. I have never shared your hat. I hate your hat. I'd like to rip it into shreds. Better yet, I'd like to use it for target practice with your head still in it! Maybe I'll start looking for my own replacement, then you'll see exactly how much I do around here for you. I am not only your eyes and your ears, but I am also your mouth, your arms, your legs. I tell you where to sit and what to eat and how to position your sword…"

"What's your favorite position for my sword, Nanao Dear?"

"OH! You're impossible!" She grabbed her book, pushed past Ukitake and slammed the door behind her.

Ukitake watched her storm off across the grounds of the Seireitei. He felt compassion for anyone who happened to be in her way. "I know it was a practical joke, Shunsui, but do you really think it was fair to Nanao? I didn't knock. How was she to know about my timed entrance?"

"Of course, it was fair," Shunsui laughed, sitting up. "She's been in such a foul mood lately. I think it will do my little librarian good to sit and seethe for awhile. She no longer appreciates our relationship. She looks to me as if I were a bother."

"I hate to break it to you, my friend, but many times you are."

Shunsui laughed, "Yes, I know. I ask a lot of my little Nanao, but every now and then, our relationship as captain and lieutenant sours and the milk needs to be refreshed."

"So you've decided to really go through with this hare-brained scheme then?"

"Of course."

"But why Hisagi?

"Don't you see? He's the ideal candidate. His sense of honor makes him want to help an old man like me, he has a sense of adventure, he's a gentleman, which Nanao will love, and he's enough of an independent rogue not to stick around too long. And when Nanao gets dumped by the boy, I'll be around to pick up the pieces."

"I wouldn't exactly call him a boy. He's been around long enough to know his way around women."

"Yes, but he's not a man's man, like us. Not yet anyway."

"You mean old and decrepit?"

"Speak for yourself. I'm old enough to know what I want and that's to lie around and be coddled and pampered by my little Nanao. It's what she wants too. She's just too stubborn to admit it."

"Hisagi's a go-getter, Shunsui, just the opposite of you. He's the acting captain of the ninth, the communications director of the Seireitei Times, plus he has a budding career as a _Sarah Tay_ consultant." (1)

"Perfect! He'll be too busy to give her the time that she needs to make a relationship work. They'll date a few times, he'll dump her, she'll come running back to me and I'll make her fetch my slippers."

"She's not a dog, Shunsui."

"I didn't mean literally, Jushiro. I believe that Nanao is happiest when she is looking after me and doing the things that she believes I should have already done. She'll be glad to come back to me. Her attitude will have changed for the better from the experience because she'll appreciate me more, and I will be willing to allow her to wait on me hand and foot without having to listen to her constant nagging. But right now, it's time for the performance of a lifetime."

* * *

**A/N** (1) Shameless plug for my story _Sarah Tay at the Seireitei_. This is the first of many shameless plugs. Also, see _Bleached Ice_ by DolphinWhisperer, a very talented writer with a similar sense of humor – it seems to run in the family.


	2. The SetUp

_The waters are going to feel so good_, Shuuhei Hisagi, acting captain of the ninth, thought as he lowered himself into the restorative waters of the Seireitei bath house, a combination restorative spa, massage/manipulation center, and sports bar. The communal bath house was where Hisagi and his friends, Renji Abarai, Izuru Kira, Yumichika Ayasegawa, and Ikkaku Madarame, spent a lot of their time after intense training workouts. Today, Hisagi had stayed a little later in training to help instruct a new recruit who was having trouble with his aim. The pools were relatively quiet today with only a few other men there. His friends had already been to the bath house and were now in the massage area getting toxins expunged from their bodies. Hisagi planned to skip the massage today, since he had been tortured enough by the inept student who kept whacking him instead of the practice dummies. He needed a little extra time in the healing heat of the spa waters today. The others would be waiting for him at the sports bar when he got out.

"Ahhhh," the air escaped from his lips in a self-satisfied breath as he sank lower into the pool. Closing his eyes, he allowed his head to drop back onto the ceramic tiles of the pool edge and drift off into a semi-conscious state of relaxation. He felt the waters swirl around his tired body as they began to work their miracles almost immediately. "Damn, that's good."

"Is it, Hisagi? Is anything really good any more?" asked a melancholy voice standing behind him. Shuuhei's eyes flew open and he craned his neck backwards in an attempt to ascertain who had jarred him from his peaceful oblivion. His eyes were greeted by the upside down face of a scruffy, bearded man leaning over him.

"Captain Kyouraku, are you alright, sir?" Shuuhei sat up straighter in the bath and tried to rotate his body in an attempt to put that face right side up.

"May I join you, Vice Captain?" Hisagi had no time to answer. The captain dropped his towel and lowered himself into the waters to Shuuhei's right.

"I rarely come to these public baths," he said. "I usually prefer the captains' spa up by the pavilion. Captain Ukitake and I go there frequently. The waters seem a little purer and you know, with his disease, one cannot be too careful."

"Hm, I understand." Hisagi settled back into position. "So what brings you here today, Sir?" he asked by way of pleasant conversation.

"Sir? Please, Lieutenant, must we be so formal? May I call you Shuuhei?" asked the captain.

"Um, sure," said Hisagi, a bit baffled by the familiarity. "Hisagi is fine too," he said, "that's what most of my friends call me."

"Oh," sniffed Shunsui, "There is no greater honor than to be counted as a friend." He sighed a downhearted little sigh that spoke volumes about his current state of mind.

"Sir?" Shuuhei asked. He had noticed that the familiar title had only gone one way, so to be safe, he had continued to use the honorific of _sir_. "If I may ask, Sir, are you okay? If you don't mind me saying so, you don't seem to be your usual happy self."

"What is usual, Hisagi? What is it to be happy, Shuuhei, when one's world is crashing down?" Shunsui turned his head, but only enough to still be able to see Hisagi out of the corner of his eye. He watched the young man ponder what to say next.

Shooting water from his hands into the air, Shuuhei fidgeted in the uncomfortable silence as he hoped beyond hope that the captain would speak again…and soon.

Shunsui let him off the hook. "You're right, of course, Hisagi. I know what you're thinking."

"You do?" asked Shuuhei, whose mind had been in shut-down mode since entering the waters. Even he didn't know what he had been thinking, so he decided to let the captain fill him in.

"Certainly. You're thinking what a fool I am, a silly old woman, to let something like this bother me. A moron, I believe is a term you and your generation frequently use. A buffoon, a sentimental old fool…"

Hisagi was mortified. He hadn't been thinking any of that. He hadn't been thinking at all. And now the captain was putting words into his mouth that were insulting, rude and could possibly get him into trouble if the captain actually believed that these were Shuuhei's thoughts.

"No, Sir, I never thought any of that," he declared. "That never crossed my mind!"

The captain twisted around to look at him, "Then what were you thinking, Lieutenant?"

"Cer-certainly not that, Sir," stammered Hisagi. "I was just…I just…I didn't know…oh, crap." Shuuhei sank beneath the waters to escape his untenable position, hoping that the captain would leave. But, when he emerged, of course Kyouraku was still there, waiting for him. The captain helped him up by the hair. _Throw me into the midst of a battle,_ thought Shuuhei. _Anything but emotional man-chat._

"That was rude, Lieutenant."

Shuuhei rubbed his tender head. "My apologies, sir, but I was at a loss for words, and I had hoped that the waters would restore my ability to sound semi-intelligent."

"I see it didn't work," replied the captain with a small chuckle. "I asked you a question, Hisagi. I'd like an answer to it, if you please. How can one be happy when one's world is crashing down around him?"

"I…I don't know, Sir," answered Shuuhei truthfully. "Are you unhappy because your world is crashing down around you, Sir?" It sounded silly to him to say, but he felt that the captain was trying to lead him someplace, so he did his best to read the road signs, man-chat or not. Asking the question back to the captain seemed to be the way to go.

Shunsui threw an arm around Hisagi's shoulder which probably wouldn't have bothered him if they hadn't both been naked. "I shouldn't bother you with my troubles, Shuuhei, dear friend. It really is between Nanao and me. Do you know my little Nanao, Hisagi, ol' buddy?"

"Yes, sir," said Shuuhei, inching away. "She's a fine vice captain."

"Yes, she is." Shunsui pulled him closer. "But do you really know her, dear boy, or do you just go your merry way?"

"Merry way, Sir," remarked Hisagi, resigned now to the physical closeness that the captain seemed to be wanting. "Lieutenant Ise and I have never really spoken, except about professional matters."

"Please, call her Nanao. She'd want you to."

"She would?" questioned Shuuhei doubtfully.

"Yes, she would," sighed Kyouraku, hugging Shuuhei quickly and then releasing. "If only she could get to know you before her time runs out."

By now, Hisagi was intrigued by the man's machinations. Something was up and he wanted to find out what.

"Why would her time be up, Sir?" asked Hisagi, hoping for an explanation, but Kyouraku successfully evaded the question.

"I've said too much. Nanao would be very upset with me if she knew I was sharing her problems with you. She's a very special girl, Hisagi." He leaned into Shuuhei's face to emphasize, "A.Very. Special. Girl." Hisagi could only blink.

Kyouraku leaned back again and removed his arm from Shuuhei's shoulder. "Well," he said. "I really must spend more time here someday. It's a wonderful little spa." He paused melodramatically. "But my dear little Nanao will be looking for me. I don't want to spend more time away from her than necessary since she might not be around …," he stopped abruptly, then continued, "Well, perhaps it would be wise not to speak of it here. Thank you for listening, Lieutenant. May I repay your kindness by offering to buy you a drink?"

"Well, actually, Sir, I was going to meet some of the guys at the sports bar." Hisagi scratched the back of his head, more confused than ever. The captain was obviously troubled, but Shuuhei was equally certain that he was being set up. But for what he wasn't sure.

"Oh, well, that's fine, then. Really, it's fine," A subdued Shunsui pulled himself from the pool. Finding his towel, he wrapped it around his hips. "I will just…oh, I don't know. I could use a good stiff drink right about now … and some good friends, but I guess I'll wait until I get back to the office…the cold, lonely office, now that Nanao is…oh, Hisagi! What am I going to do?" He closed his eyes and shook his head violently back and forth, like a dog shaking off water. "It's her time, you know, it's her time! She's at that dreadful time now… seven years, you know…" He looked pleadingly at Shuuhei. "Women with her heritage teeter on the brink of destruction. It's in her genes, her culture. We have to help her or else…or else…!" The man fell to his knees, prostrate. "Oh, Nanao! Why? Why? Why?"

Captain Kyouraku's exaggerated outburst was hard to ignore. His voice echoed off the ceramic in the bath, allowing every man there to be privy to his pain. His reiatsu pulsed madly. The power of it threatened to asphyxiate Hisagi, the closest man to the captain. He thought wildly about what to do, all the while trying to keep from passing out and drowning in the very waters that were healing his wounds. _Could healing waters kill_, he wondered as his eyeballs retreated back into his head.

"Want to join us, Captain?" he gasped at last.

Immediately, the reiatsu that had endangered the baths and the men in them powered down. A much brighter Shunsui smiled and said, "I'd love to."


	3. Hooked

"What's he doing here?" whispered Renji, pointing at Shunsui as he downed another cup of sake.

"I had to bring him. It couldn't be helped." Shuuhei's voice was coarse. "I was in a tight spot. I would have been squashed by his reiatsu if I hadn't invited him to come here."

Both men looked at the straw-hatted captain as he debated heatedly with Kira, Ikkaku and Yumichika. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that other mystical creatures abide on the same plane as we do? We ourselves are mystical creatures. We are death gods after all. Even a death god can have a heritage. Look at the Kuchiki family and the Oomaeda clan. My dear little Nanao is no different in that she has a heritage too. A tragic one, but a heritage nonetheless. It is only right that I should be concerned about her in this time of great need." Ikkaku glared at Shuuhei and mouthed the words _do something_.

"Captain Kyouraku, sir…" Hisagi wasn't given the chance to finish. The captain cut him off quickly, obviously intent on being in charge of the conversation.

"Bar Keep, another round for my friends," he called, placating the annoyed Shingami at the table with him. "Friendship is a rare, rare thing. Cherish it, boys. The day will come when you will need to rely on the kindness of strangers to help you through a difficult, difficult time. I never thought I'd see the day.

"Poor Nanao is merely a victim of her heritage," he continued. "Is it fair that she should have to pay such a dear price for being born to the wrong lineage? It's like saying the arrogance bred into the Kuchiki clan and other royal families is a choice. It is not; it is their birthright. As it is Nanao's birthright to burst into flames at a certain age."

Placing his sake on the table, he rose to leave. "I should go now. I've burdened you enough with my troubles…and my poor little Nanao's. I know you all care about her too." He placed a hand of Hisagi's shoulder. "Especially, since the solution could be as near as my right hand. Until that day, I promise that I'll try to make her as comfortable as I can as the end draws near. You have my word. If only the answer to my cares and woes would walk through my office door, I would be forever in debt to Nanao's brave savior." He gave Shuuhei's shoulder a tight squeeze, then released, trailing his hand down Shuuhei's back as he turned towards the door.

As Captain Kyouraku began to slowly walk away, the five men still at the table looked at each other. "Good bye, dear friends. Adieu," he called over his shoulder. Waving slowly and regally, he exited the bar.

"What the hell was that, other than some damn fine acting?" asked Renji, turning to Hisagi.

"Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is that he's up to something," he replied. "What did he tell you guys?" he asked the other three.

Ikkaku shrugged and sipped his sake. "Something about Nanao not fitting into her jeans any more. Women's clothing, who cares?"

"No, you lawn ornament," said Kira, "He said that she was becoming a victim of her genes, her DNA. You know, her heritage."

"He said something like that to me in the waters," said Shuuhei, "but don't ask me what it means."

"Did he mention her mystical bloodlines to you?" sighed Yumichika. "Isn't it romantic?"

Shuuhei scratched his head, "No, I think I'd remember that."

"Isn't that what he was getting so heated about?" asked Renji.

"Yea, and we never opened our mouths. He just went off on us," said Ikkaku.

"I think he said something about Nanao needing a man or else she would die," added Kira. "He wasn't making a lot of sense."

"Nanao needs a man? Like that's going to happen any time soon," laughed Renji. "She scares the crap out of me."

"Ditto," replied Ikkaku, "and I don't scare easily."

"You saying I do, Chrome dome?"

"Don't get your jammies in a twist, Lava Locks. She's an equal opportunity frightfest. No one is immune to her intimidating glare of evil."

Shuuhei had been silent, deep in thought. "Yea, but guys, Captain Kyouraku seemed really upset or at least he was acting that way. What if Nanao is really in trouble? I'm not sure I believe it, but think about it. If there really is a problem and he loses her and we didn't do something to help out, there's going to be hell to pay and we'll be the ones in debt. Besides, I'd like to know what the sneaky bastard's up to."

"I suppose you're right," said Kira. "We could play along for awhile."

"There's nothing else to do," shrugged Renji.

"So what do we do first, Hisagi, since you're the one he came to about this," Ikkaku needled.

"We find him and talk to him. It won't be hard; he left us a clue," smiled Shuuhei.

"We're on a quest then, to rescue a damsel in distress," said Kira.

"To the eighth division headquarters," commanded Yumichika, "to find Nanao a man. One of us has to take Nanao out on a date, right Hisagi?"

A shiver ran up Shuuhei's spine. He worried that it might be a portent of things to come.

"Wait a minute. Did he say she was going to burst into flames?"

* * *

"I suppose Captain Kuchiki would not have approved of my display in the spa," Captain Kyouraku said to his old friend, Jushiro Ukitake, captain of the thirteenth division. They were relaxing in Kyouraku's office, an airy space with an almost tropical feel.

"But why, after all these years, do you still let him get under your skin?"

"I don't know, Jushiro. Confidence in self, such as you and I have, is one thing. But arrogance is another."

"He can't help it, Shunsui. It's part of his breeding as the head of an important family. It's who he is."

"Yes, or so I told my new friends at the spa today, but I don't really believe that. Do you?"

"It's not for you or me to judge Kuchiki's upbringing, Shunsui."

"But humility is a shield, Jushiro. It keeps a person from getting cut by his own sword, or for that matter, the sword of someone close behind. It's a lesson Kuchiki needs to learn."

"And I suppose you're the one to teach it to him?"

"Oh no, I'll leave that to someone with far more ambition."

"Abarai is coming up fast, isn't he?"

"I hadn't noticed, but if I had, I would have had to agree with you. I sense a disturbance in the force, Luke."

"I wish you would quit watching that real worlder box of yours."

"It entertains me."

"It gives you bad ideas."

"I enjoy having something no one else has."

"How is that different from Kuchiki? Isn't that arrogance and conceit as well?"

"I earned it; Byakuya Kuchiki has done nothing to earn his respect, except to be born. Do you know that in the real world, his initials stand for an eatery? It is the home of the Whopper® and their king is the king of burgers."

"What whoppers will you be telling Shuuhei Hisagi and his friends?"

"More than the ones I've already told them? Just wait and see."

"You're twisted, my friend. So I can't talk you out of this then?" asked Ukitake. "She'll kill you if she finds out."

"So make sure you don't tell her. Of course, I'm going through with it. I'm a romantic, you know. I believe in true love."

"True lust, maybe. But true love? Since when?"

"Since it leads to true heartbreak, that's when. She'll come running back to my side soon enough."

"So where is Nanao, Shunsui?" asked Ukitake.

"I sent her on a long errand. She wasn't happy with me, but I can't have her here when her knight in shining armor is getting polished, now can I?"

"Getting polished?" Ukitake laughed. "You're getting too serious about this, Shunsui. It's going to lead to nothing but trouble."

"Nonsense! What harm is there to getting my little Nanao a boyfriend? Besides, I thought I'd have a little fun and make a game out of it. We have five very bored, yet imaginative, Shinigami who need something to do other than train all of the time. If you haven't noticed, morale has been low lately."

"A diversion. I get that part. And I get the low morale too. Kiyone and Sentarou have actually been getting along lately. I suppose we do need to stir things up a bit."

"Plus, add to the mix a very bossy vice captain who thinks I can't possibly get along without her. I probably can't, but she yells at me all of the time, and has taken to throwing flowers at me instead of gently strewing petals. Every twenty years or so, we need a break from each other."

"Ah, so this is like the time you told Sasakibe that Nanao needed a father figure and he was it. He followed her everywhere and tried to give her fatherly advice for a month before she finally told him to shove off."

"It was a peaceful month."

"He tried, Shunsui, but that man will never be a father to anyone. His advice was more about how to tart up her wardrobe, and she gave him hair and make-up advice. By the way, did he ever return her silk kimono?"

"It's not a topic we discuss, if I want to keep my head."

"So you're at it again, then?"

"These fellows are bored, Jushiro. There hasn't been any action for awhile. What harm is there in sending them on a little quest? Nanao and I will both benefit and five Shinigami with nothing to do will stay out of trouble."

"Can't you just ask Hisagi to take her out on a date? I'm sure he'd comply if a captain asked."

"I'm sure he would too, but he's a warrior, Jushiro. He needs adventure or it won't be worth anything to him. I have some very simple tasks lined up. If I make him earn the right to take her out, no matter how silly the task, he'll make the most of his time with her. As for Nanao, she's not to know anything about this until he asks her out. That way she won't have time to protest or make him change his mind. He'll ask her out, I'll explain everything he did to earn the right to date her, and she will be put in such a spot that she won't be able to refuse. I know she'll protest, but I want to make it extremely hard for her to say no. If it all works out, maybe they'll go on two or three dates and that will get Nanao out of my hair for awhile. When she returns broken-hearted when he inevitably dumps her, she'll appreciate me more for having been away from my tender affections."

"You'll be without her for awhile."

"I know, but I'll make a lower seat do her tasks."

"Better make that two. Or three. Four is the safe bet. It's not too late to stop this madness," advised Ukitake.

"Perhaps, but the wheels are already in motion. I expect visitors within the hour.

Ukitake snorted. "Good luck, my friend, I'll have nothing to do with it." He headed towards the door, only to open it and discover Hisagi, Kira, Renji, Ikkaku and Yumichika outside. "Shunsui, I believe you have visitors, and I also believe that I'll stay for awhile after all."

"Hello, sir. Captain Kyouraku, may we have moment of your time?"

* * *

**A/N** More within a few days!


	4. Reeled In

**A/N Again I have no claim to these characters or to Bleach or to any of the referenced works in this chapter. Enjoy! The next chapters will start the tasks; idiocy abounds.**

**For those who have read this chapter before, I discovered a small mistake and fixed it. This site does not recognize the use of the percent symbol within a story, so I went back in and typed out the word 'percent' when Shunsui talks about 86 percent. My apologies for the re-post.**

* * *

A few minutes earlier, the five friends were advancing on the eighth division office. Off in the far distance, the stormy figure of Nanao, Kyouraku's vice captain, was rapidly disappearing from view.

"Looks like she's on a mission," noted Kira.

"Yea, probably running from us," Ikkaku said, "or more accurately, Hisagi."

"Why would she run from me?" asked Shuuhei.

"Simple, you're the poster boy for Shunsui's 'Gotta Get Nanao a Date' campaign," stated Yumichika, making a box with his fingers and clicking the 'shutter.'

"Yea, Hisagi, you were hand-picked," agreed Renji.

"I was not. I'm not the only one here that can go out with Nanao."

"Maybe not, but the good captain didn't approach the rest of us, did he? He approached you."

"I'm sure any one will do," protested Shuuhei, not entirely sure of that statement.

"I guess we'll find out," said Kira. "We're here. Knock, Shuuhei."

"You knock. You're closer." Shuuhei's stomach was suddenly filled with butterflies. The sense of foreboding that he had had earlier was rapidly returning.

Just then the door opened to the serious face of Captain Ukitake. His demeanor lightened quickly as he said, "Shunsui, I believe you have visitors, and I also believe that I'll stay for awhile after all."

"Hello, sir," a startled Hisagi nodded to Ukitake. After a shove from Ikkaku, he added, "Captain Kyouraku, may we have moment of your time?"

"Certainly, gentlemen. What can I do for you?"

"Well, sir, we, uh…" Hisagi scratched the back of his head, looking for the right words. He looked at his buddies, but decided they were not going to be much help right now. "We, um, you see, Sir, when we were talking with you earlier, we were a little confused." He began to find his way out of his own anxious thoughts. "Yea, we were confused about the part where Nanao bursts into flames."

"Ah, yes," nodded Shunsui without further comment.

Hisagi continued delicately, "Is that part of her zanpakutou, Sir?" He glanced nervously at Ukitake. The others hung back in the shadows of the room.

"Zanpakutou? Zanpakutou! No, no, no! I told you already," exploded Kyouraku, "were you not listening? It is her heritage! It is her legacy, her inheritance, her birthright as the daughter of the most mystical creatures I have ever known! Why do you question this? Is it not enough for you to believe what I have already told you? Do you need for Nanao to burst into flames in front of your very eyes before you understand how dire her need is? Time is short! I chose you because you are men of honor. Perhaps, I was wrong. Perhaps you are not the right men for the job. You are dismissed! Good day!"

Kyouraku turned his back on the men as rising panic overtook Hisagi. Wide–eyed and confused, he looked at his friends, then at Captain Ukitake, and shrugged.

"Shunsui," came the soothing voice from the white-haired captain, "perhaps you've been a little too hard on them. Perhaps Hisagi just doesn't understand the situation. Won't you give them a second chance? For Nanao?"

"Yes, Captain, please! For Nanao," pleaded Yumichika, hungry for adventure. "We're here to help. Isn't that right, fellas?"

"Uh, sure?" Renji said uncertainly.

"Right, Kira? Ikkaku?"

"Well, since we're here and all," shrugged Ikkaku. Kira nodded.

"Tell us what to do and Hisagi will do it," volunteered Yumichika generously.

"WHAT?" Having regained some of his composure, the black-haired Shinigami stuck a finger in his ear to clean it out. Had he heard right? Yumichika was volunteering him to do who knows what for the scariest girl in the Seireitei. "Why you…"

"Are you saying you do not want to take care of my little Nanao, Hisagi? After everything we shared in the bath?"

"Ooo, Shuuhei!" snickered Renji.

Kira elbowed him in the ribs. "You are so rude!"

"No, sir, that's not what I meant," hedged Hisagi defensively. "It's just that I didn't think we had settled on who was going to sacri…I mean, volunteer for the job."

Ikkaku patted him on the back. "Looks like it's you, Choker Boy."

"Right from the start," said Renji.

"Never any doubt," added Kira.

"How wonderful!" exclaimed Shunsui. "You might have a fighting chance. I mean, it's a good match, don't you think, Jushiro?"

"Oh, yes," nodded Ukitake. "Just like you had hoped."

"It's true, Hisagi. That's why I approached you in the baths. I was hoping that you would be the one to save Nanao." Shunsui rose from his chair and embraced Hisagi passionately. "You have no idea how much this means to me…and of course, to Nanao, but she mustn't find out. No, no, she mustn't find out!"

"She mustn't?" asked Shuuhei. "Why mustn't she? I mean, why not?"

"She wouldn't be happy with me for telling others about the secret weighing on her shoulders. This is a burden she's carried all of her life, and now her worst fears are coming true."

"That explains why she always looks so mean," whispered Ikkaku to Kira.

"Mean, dear boy?" asked Kyouraku. "Mean? You have not seen the real Nanao. Let me explain something to you boys. Come closer." He drew them into a huddle and in a soft voice explained, "As I told you in the spas, Hisagi, Nanao, my little Nanao, is special. Oh, yes, when my little Nanao looks with longing into the eyes of a man, he is swept away by the beauty of it. She touches his very soul, but her great burden keeps her from revealing her true self to others." His voice was barely a whisper. "It is said that she is descended from a great line of sirens that could send a man to his knees with a glance."

"Sirens? Like in alarms?" asked Renji. Yumichika elbowed him in the side.

"What's with the elbows?" protested Renji.

"He means sirens as in beautiful women who lure men to their deaths with their songs." Yumichika looked at Shunsui, "Am I right?"

"Very good. Almost entirely correct. Nanao can't sing to save her soul," laughed Kyouraku. "With Nanao's bloodline, the heritage I spoke of earlier, they lure men in with their eyes instead of song. Not to kill them. Oh no, but to make love to them. Why do you think she wears those glasses? Her glasses protect us all, thank heavens. No man can resist my little Nanao once she sets her sights on him."

"Good grief," groaned Shuuhei. "Are you buying this?" he asked Kira, but Kira was lost in the world of his imagination.

Kyouraku put a hand on the back of Shuuhei's neck, "Skepticism is healthy in small doses, my dear boy, but it can keep us from trusting the doctor who is trying to heal us. I am trying to heal you, Hisagi. I've seen you wandering aimlessly…"

He did hate to be shut indoors. A healthy nature walk usually helped his frame of mind.

"…drinking excessively…"

When the walk didn't help, drinking often did, he thought shamefully.

"…having no one to talk to other than your friends."

Swapping war stories and sword techniques was fun with a few buddies…

"You need a woman and Nanao needs a man."

…Although it might be nice to have a feminine perspective. He was popular with the ladies, but he had to admit that at times, he longed for a deep personal relationship with a woman. At last, he said quietly, "I'm listening."

Kyouraku drew them close again. "There is a ritual that can save Nanao's life. It can only be performed by an honorable man and his closest friends."

"Ain't no one more honorable than ol' Shu-Face," said Ikkaku.

"I told you not to call me that, Peanut Brain."

"_A peanut sat on the railroad track, its heart was all aflutter; _

_Along the line came Number 9, toot – toot, peanut butter_…" sang Kira. "Sorry, couldn't help myself." (1)

"This is serious, guys," Yumi reprimanded. "Please, tell us more, Captain Kyouraku."

Kyouraku was amused, but hid it well. These characters were going to be just right, he thought. They were hooked; now he just had to reel them in with a tall tale. He mustered his best story-telling face and began, "In ancient times, Nanao's ancestors mated only once every seven years. Men would fight to the death for the honor of mating wildly with a woman so that they could live long and prosper. As you can imagine, this put a great strain on their society. Emotions and sexual urges had to be suppressed. Her people became a stoic people, ruled by logic and reason, dedicated to the needs of the many over the needs of one or two.

"Women, like Nanao's ancestors, had become hardened women over time, but through the centuries, things changed once again. The women of that culture began to open themselves up to their own sexuality and became strong. They discovered that there was little use for men other than for the reproduction of progeny. Male progeny were discarded or raised as slaves to the sexual whims of this new generation of women. Men were subjugated, second class citizens."

"Damn! That's harsh!" Ikkaku said it, but all of the men were thinking it, except for Ukitake who was off in a corner, holding his sides in pain from suppressing laughter.

Kyouraku continued, "Mind you me, the men really didn't mind doing the washing and cleaning and cooking, since the sex was mind-blowing."

"Hisagi, can you cook?" Renji whacked him on the head.

"Shut up, you rooster."

"Take it from me, these women were good! Of course, that was many, many generations ago. As they evolved through the centuries, the best and the worst of each preceding generation were passed on to the next." He paused, mainly to give Ukitake a chance to recover.

"And now we have Nanao, a direct product of her heritage. In the current generation, the sexual prowess that has been a constant throughout the generations has been at war with the stoic urge to suppress escalating desires. If a young woman with Nanao's bloodline comes of age without a suitable paramour, it's as if a Bankai is building up inside of her, ready to explode at any moment. And most of the time it does. Just imagine these poor girls who through no fault of their own are born into this world with the curse of sexual nirvana placed squarely on their heads. Many do not make it out alive.

"You've heard of spontaneous combustion where a person bursts into flames with no logical explanation? Our researchers here at the Seireitei have discovered that 86 percent of the women affected by spontaneous combustion carry this bloodline."

"Statistics don't lie!" nodded Kira.

"That's right. They don't," chuckled Kyouraku who had just made up that statistic to give more credence to what he was saying. "These poor women get so hot, that they explode into flames. Others, like Nanao, carry it deep within them, showing nothing but cold to the outside world for fear that spontaneous combustion could happen to them. But a lover takes the edge off, don't you see? And since they mate only once every seven years, they are ripe when the time comes." Again, he paused. "Now do you understand?" he asked, looking directly at Hisagi. "It's Nanao's time."

"Yes, sir, I think so," the black-haired man replied hesitantly.

"Are you ready for Nanao nirvana, Hisagi?"

"Nanao nirvana, Sir?"

"Yes, that is what awaits you," nodded Shunsui, "provided you can pass the test."

"I thought this was a date. Nobody said anything about a test," protested Shuuhei, who didn't consider himself much of a test taker after failing the academy entrance exams twice.

Kyouraku laughed, "Did you hear that, Jushiro? The boy thinks he's going to take out my little Nanao without passing the ancient test."

"I heard, Shunsui. Rather naïve, isn't he?" chuckled Ukitake, playing along.

"Am I missing something?" asked Hisagi.

"These rituals were put into place many moons ago in hopes of weeding out the undesirables."

"I get it!" Yumichika enthused. "You have to pass some test in order to see if you're really worthy of Nanao."

"Oh, cool!" said Kira. "I told you it was like a quest, Hisagi."

"What the hell," said Shuuhei, "as long as it isn't a written test."

"More like simple tasks to complete really. Call it a quest if you like," said Shunsui.

"I love a good quest," said Kira. "Does it involve puzzles? I'm good at solving puzzles."

Renji boffed him on the back of the head, "Would you let the man talk already?"

"It's a long-held tradition," continued Shunsui, "that the man who completes this quest will be considered worthy to mate with one of Nanao's lineage, as our friends here have said. Jushiro, would you mind getting the ancient scroll from my wall safe, please? It's open. I was looking at the list earlier today, Shuuhei. It's what made me think of you as Nanao's champion."

"You could have just asked."

Ukitake opened the wall safe, removed a crinkled old parchment, and handed it to Kyouraku. He held it up for the men to see. "Here it is, gentlemen. As is tradition, Hisagi, you may choose four companions to accompany you on your journey. Choose wisely."

"Ooooo, oooo, oooo, choose me," cried Kira, overly excited by the idea of the quest.

"Of course, you'll choose me," declared Yumichika, as if it was a foregone conclusion.

Renji and Ikkaku stood nearby, trying not to look interested, although they were motivated by boredom more than anything.

"I think my companions are in this room," said Shuuhei, eyeing the four. "It'll be the Moron Brothers over there, as well as Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber. Can't see that I have any other choice."

"Probably not," agreed Shunsui, "Oh, well. Take their counsel wisely, then…"

Yumichika asked playfully, "Am I a Moron Brother or a Tweedle?"

"…such as it is." Kyouraku shook his head at Yumichika and handed Shuuhei the parchment. "Guard this with your life. It is irreplaceable."

"Yes, sir," agreed Shuuhei.

"Read it," urged Kira.

Shuuhei looked at Captain Kyouraku for permission. The captain nodded and stepped away from the small knot of men crowded around the document.

This is what they read:

_-The wise man removes the bindings of many years._

_-The wise man walks a mile in another's shoes._

_-The wise man conquers with beauty._

_-The wise man caters to the weak._

_-The wise man loosens what is tight._

_-The wise man works where he plays._

_-The wise man wrestles inner monsters._

"Okay," said Shuuhei, after reading the parchment, "Now I'm really confused. Captain, what do these mean?" he asked.

"That, my dear boy, is up to you. There are many ways to interpret the tasks, but only one correct way for you and that is the path that you must find. You must prove that you are man enough for her by performing these tasks. Each one completed brings you closer to Nanao nirvana, Grasshopper."

"Grasshopper?" Shuuhei let it ride. "Well, I guess we'd better get started then," he said, scratching the back of his head.

"You got dandruff, Hisagi? Seems like you're always scratching your head," said Ikkaku.

"No, you moron, it helps me think."

"He's a moron, so I must be the beautiful one from the Tweedle family. There's always a beautiful one in every family," said Yumi.

Hisagi rolled his eyes. "So I have to figure out what these things mean and then do them in order to keep Nanao from exploding so that she and I can experience Nanao nirvana on a date, is that right?"

"It's much more than a date," stressed Kyouraku. "This is a ritual, a mating ritual, which can save Nanao's very existence. It's vitally important. Without this ritual and these tasks, she could very well end up an old prune, a spinster, a woman whose only power is in the sharpness of her tongue."

"Providing she doesn't erupt into flames first," added Ukitake quickly.

"Now, go, men. Fulfill your destiny!" Kyouraku pushed the five out the door and closed it behind him. "Thanks for the save, Jushiro. I got careless."

"She can't exactly end up an old maid if she going to spontaneously combust at any moment, Shunsui. You need to keep your story straight."

"Sake?"

"Love some. Where did you get that parchment anyway? "

"I tore a page from an old, old library book that I had forgotten to return."

"And the so-called tasks? They sounded like they came out of fortune cookies."

"Would you like one?" asked Shunsui holding out a bowl of broken fortune cookies. "They go well with sake."

* * *

(1) DolphinWhisperer challenged me to include random words or phrases in my story. This is the first, a song from my childhood, so if it seems out of place, blame her. She chose it. ;o)

Yes, there are random references to mythology, Amazon lore, _Alice in Wonderland_, _Kung Fu_ – a 60's TV show starring David Carradine, and _Star Trek_, but only you can decide if Nanao is really a Vulcan.


	5. Reluctant Romeo

"That was one hell of a story, wasn't it?" said Renji to the other four at the table. They had returned to the sports bar where they had first met up with Captain Kyouraku. "Do you believe it?"

Ikkaku snapped, "It's a bunch of crap used to make us look like saps."

"So don't do it if you don't want to. None of you have to do this, except me," said Shuuhei abruptly.

"I'll do it," Kira smiled, "I could use a good adventure. Besides, Shuuhei, Nanao could really be your destiny."

"Doubtful," said Shuuhei, yet a little hope lingered. "You guys could get in a lot of trouble for this."

"So could you, so why are you going to do it?" asked Renji.

"Stupid sense of honor. Kyouraku came to me about this, so I guess I feel obligated, even though I have my doubts. I still think there's something else going on, but maybe I'll find out what if I just go along with this for awhile and do what he wants."

"Pansy," coughed Ikkaku.

"So we're agreed on our course of action for tomorrow then?" asked Kira, holding up the parchment.

"I guess so," sighed Shuuhei.

"I'll hold the list until then," said Yumichika, grabbing Shunsui's task list from Kira's hand.

"Why should you hold the list?" protested Kira. "I had it first."

"Because beauty has its privileges," stated Yumichika, an obvious statement of fact to anyone who had eyes to see, in his opinion.

"What's that have to do with you?" countered Kira, "I ask again, why should you carry the list?" He tried to snatch it away, but Yumichika was too fast. Ikkaku stepped in to block any further attempts and snarled in the blonde's direction.

"You insult me, Kira," pouted Yumi. In his mind, beauty was an absolute right. Yumichika tapped Shuuhei on the shoulder. The older man looked worried. "What do you think, Shuuhei? Who do you trust more with such a precious list, the beautiful Tweedle or the dumber than a ryoka Tweedle?"

"I trust you both," mumbled Shuuhei. "You guys sort it out."

"Perhaps," said Yumichika slyly, "I should show him my shikai. What do you think, Shuuhei? Should I show him my shikai?"

"Are you threatening me, Yumichika?" Kira was incredulous. His hand flew to his sword. "Wabisuke will ground a flighty little bird like you and cut you to threads with no apologies."

"I'm not threatening, Kira dear. I'm merely offering to show you my shikai. Shuuhei remembers what it's like, don't you, Shuuhei?"

"Kira, let him hold the list," sighed Shuuhei, obviously distracted.

"Are you saying he's stronger than I am, Hisagi? Don't underestimate me!"

"I'm not saying that, Kira, but trust me, I know from experience not to mess with Yumi's shikai. Besides, I need you for something even more important."

"You do?" asked Kira, immensely pleased. He sneered at Yumichika and Ikkaku before placing an arm around Shuuhei's shoulder and smiling. "What would that be?"

"I need you to bail me out of jail when this all goes horribly, horribly wrong."

"I'd be honored." Kira blushed.

"Tomorrow morning, then? Bright and early," said Renji to Shuuhei, slapping him on the back of his head.

Shuuhei said miserably, "I'm getting drunk tonight."


	6. Remove the Bindings

**A/N Thanks to all who have reviewed and/or favorited so far! You make me happy. Again, I do not own Bleach or any of the other fine works used here. A citation list is at the end. I was going to shamelessly plug my story "Sarah Tay at the Seireitei" since Choujirou mentions it, but decided against it. Instead I will shamelessly plug Dolphin Whisperer's humorous artwork of various scenes in this story. At the end of this chapter, (since I don't want to give the story away) are links that you can copy and paste. Enjoy!**

* * *

The captain general was like clockwork. At 5am, he arose; at 5:30am, he worked out with his vice captain, Choujirou Sasakibe; at 6:15am, he worked the men in his squad; at 8am, he and his vice captain separated and showered. Sasakibe would then show up at Yama-Jii's place, fresh and ready to conduct the business of the day. It was during this shower time that the five felt they had the best chance to complete their first task: _The wise man removes the bindings of many years._ They were going to steal the leather strap that Yama-Jii wore to bind his long, flowing beard.

Shuuhei had protested that the list was vague. He could just as easily complete the task by re-taping some boxes that had been in storage for a long time, but Yumi had protested, saying that Shuuhei's solution was too easy. Surely, Captain Kyouraku had meant these tasks to be more challenging than that. It was Ikkaku who mentioned Yama-Jii's leather binding strap; Shuuhei had yet to forgive him. The others had planned the entire caper with Shuuhei as the central character. He decided that going along with the plan was less painful than lying in bed all day with his hang-over. Besides, he really had no choice since Renji and Kira had dragged him to the fourth division early in the morning for a quick sobering up, which turned out to be worse than the hang-over.

The plan was simple. Yumichika and Ikkaku would stand guard. Shuuhei, Kira and Renji would enter the flat from an open window in the bedroom. Yama-Jii liked to keep a fresh breeze flowing through his apartment, so that particular window was always open. It faced the trees and was not exposed to the road nearby, so it seemed the ideal way to enter. The problem was that none of the men knew if when he showered, Yama-Jii even removed the leather strap that held his beard. They would have to chance it.

"Okay, Shuuhei, here we go." Kira patted his worried friend on the back. "Yumi and Ikkaku are keeping watch. They'll keep the vice captain busy in front if he comes back too soon."

"I'll give you a leg up, 'Sagi Bottom. You get in and give us the all-clear. We'll follow."

"I told you not to call me that, Baboon Boy. I'd take you on right here if my head weren't pounding so much. This is stupid. Why are we doing this again?"

"For love, Shuuhei. For honor, duty, and destiny," intoned Kira melodramatically.

"Destiny…with Nanao…sure."

Renji added, "Plus, we're bored. This place has been dead for weeks."

"That's an understatement," laughed Kira, "considering we're soul reapers. Now, up you go, like a good boy." Kira and Renji held out their hands to give Shuuhei a boost up to the window.

As he was lifted through, hitting his head on the open window, he muttered to himself, "I'm going to kill them for this. She'd better be worth the jail time if I get caught."

Once inside, he determined that the coast was clear and waved Kira and Renji both in, having decided that he was not going to take the fall for this alone. Old man Yamamoto was indeed in the shower. The door was closed and steam seeped from around the edges. Considering that Yama-Jii was the most powerful fire Shinigami, he was probably steaming the water as it came out of the showerhead, creating an effective steam bath.

Whispering, Kira asked nervously, "Did you find it yet?"

So he wasn't the only one who was nervous about this, thought Shuuhei with a self-satisfied grin. "No," he replied. "Look around. It's got to be here somewhere."

The room was simple in its décor, yet held signs that a powerful man lived here. The lines of the furniture were strong and stark. The floor was barren, save for a throw rug made from some unfortunate beast. Swords, sabers, and various other cutlasses hung from the walls in a display that reminded the trio that at any moment, the captain general could emerge from the shower and use any one of those weapons against them in what would surely be a bloody massacre.

Each man took a corner of the room and began searching cautiously, so as to not make a sound. Yama-Jii was known to have sharp hearing as well as sharp weapons.

"Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?" (1)

"What?" asked a startled Shuuhei. "Shut up, you idiot!" he hissed.

"I didn't say anything," protested Renji.

"Who did?"

"Kira, was that you?" whispered Renji hoarsely.

"It wasn't me," shrugged Kira.

"CAN'T BUY ME LO-OVE. EVERYBODY TELLS ME SO. CAN'T BUY ME LO-OVE. NO NO NO NOOOOO." (2)

The three men looked at each other across the room. "No!" said a flabbergasted Kira, "It can't be."

"I'm thinking it can be," smirked Renji.

Shuuhei, already tired, stressed, still hung over and maybe still a little drunk, started to laugh out loud. "Unbelievable!" he shrieked. "Yama-Jii sings in the shower! Oh, my Shinigami ass. I'm going to crap myself!"

"Shut up, you idiot. He's going to hear you!" Renji hissed, but Shuuhei was uncontrollable. Renji tackled him and threw him to the floor while Kira grabbed a pillow and shoved it in his face. "Shut up, shut up, shut up," Renji exhorted.

"Murfn mufrfrkn urmf."

"Sasakibe, is that you?" called a voice from the shower. The three vice captains froze instantly. Dreadfully long seconds passed before they heard Yama-Jii again. "ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? DO YOU MISS ME TONIGHT? ARE YOU SORRY WE DRIFTED APART?" (3)

"Hisagi," Renji hissed. "Are you together enough that I can let you up? Let's find that strap and get out of here."

Shuuhei nodded and Kira helped him to his feet. Grabbing Kira, he danced him around the room, singing lightly, "_I feel good! I knew that I would, now! I feel good, I knew that I would, now. So good, so good, I got you."_ _(_4) He pulled the startled Kira into his arms and looked him straight in the eye as he finished. "You want more, don'tcha, Baby?"

Kira returned the mocking stare and pushed the laughing Shuuhei away, "I'm just glad it was you and not old man Yama. Are you sure you're not still drunk?"

Renji hoisted him up on his toes by the collar, "Save it for Nanao, now serious up, Hisagi. While you're at it, sober up, too."

Just then the front door swung open and Ikkaku burst in. "What the hell is going on in here? You sound like two tons of machinery in a battle to the death! We can hear you outside."

"Hisagi's being a damn fool. Help us find the strap, Ikkaku," ordered Renji.

"Didn't sound like him, besides I can't. Yumi'll be wondering where I am. Have you tried the bathroom?" he asked, turning to leave. "And keep it down in here!"

"I BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME, IT FELT GOOD TO BE OUT OF THE RAIN," sang the loud voice from the shower.

"That's what I heard!" exclaimed Ikkaku. "You mean that was the captain general singing in the shower?"

"IN THE DESERT, YOU CAN REMEMBER YOUR NAME CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO ONE FOR TO GIVE YOU NO PAIN. LA LA LA LALALALALA…" (5)

"Yep," said Hisagi, barely containing himself.

"Wait'll Yumi hears about this! Hurry up, you guys. The vice captain will be back at any moment. Try the bathroom." Ikkaku exited the quarters, laughing, to give Yumichika an update on what he had seen and heard.

"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A NEIGHBOR. WOULD YOU BE MINE? COULD YOU BE MINE?" (6)

"Maybe he's right," said Kira. "Maybe Yama-Jii doesn't take it off until he's in the bathroom. I can't imagine that he leaves it on in the shower. That would damage his beard something fierce."

"Thanks for the beauty tips, Harriet Hair-Do," insulted Renji. "The question is…"

He was interrupted by another burst of song.

"WAR...HUH...YEAH, WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...SAY IT AGAIN, Y'ALL." (7)

"The question is," Renji repeated, "Who's going in there?"

"My vote," said Kira quickly, "is for Hisagi. We're doing this for him after all."

"WE ARE FAMILY…"

"I didn't ask you to," Shuuhei protested.

"…I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME…"

"I don't want to be here in the first place. This whole thing is stupid."

"…WE ARE FAMILY…"

"Yea, stupid or not, Spike Hair, like Yama-Jii just sang, we're in this together.

"…GET UP EVERYBODY, SING…" (8)

"Me and Kira will support you no matter what, so stop your yapping, get in there and get that hair binding so's we can get out of here before Sasakibe comes back or worse, the old man gets out of the shower and cooks us alive."

"Come on, Shu. Renji's right. We're here for you, so man up and get it over with." Kira pushed him towards the bathroom door. Sensing his extreme reluctance whether out of fear or hangover, Renji pushed him through it, steam pouring out of the door as it opened. Shuuhei came to a skidding stop on the slick tile floor. He was enveloped in steam, but he could still make out the form of the older man behind a shower curtain in front of him. Quickly, he ducked down next to the bathroom sink, out of Yama-Jii's line of view.

When the old man turned around, Shuuhei put his head up, searching for the binding that had held his beard. He spotted it on the floor across the bathroom. Crouching on all fours, he extended himself on his belly and slowly emerged from his hiding spot to slither across the bathroom floor. By now, his hair was soaked from the steam heat, sweat dripped down his forehead into his eyes and his head was pounding. Perspiration and humidity made his uniform heavy and cling to his body. He felt faint.

Renji and Kira, on the other side of the door, were clinging to each other.

"Do you think he's too hung-over to do this?" asked Kira.

"I wish you'd thought of that before we shoved him through the door," moaned Renji.

If Hisagi got caught, Yama-Jii would have no mercy. Rules are rules, and rules were not meant to be broken. Yet here they were, breaking into the captain general's apartment to steal his beard binding. Neither Kira nor Renji were certain that Yama-Jii would be appeased by their intentions to return it as soon as the tasks were completed.

"GO ON NOW, GO! WALK OUT THE DOOR!"

"Renji, he caught him!" shrieked Kira in horror.

"JUST TURN AROUND NOW, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE!"

Renji looked at Kira, "That's a weird thing to say. Listen.

"WEREN'T YOU THE ONE WHO TRIED TO HURT ME WITH GOODBYE, DID I CRUMBLE? DID YOU THINK I'D LAY DOWN AND DIE?"

He slapped Kira across the head, "The old man's singing again! The ebony haired ninja of love must still be okay."

"He'd hate it if you called him that."

"He would, wouldn't he?"

"So you're going to, right?"

"Of course, that's what buddies do!" Renji stopped abruptly. "Kira, do you hear that? Voices! I think Sasakibe is back."

Kira crept to the door. "He is! Yumi and Ikkaku are keeping him busy."

Voices drifted in from outside the apartment. "So tell Ikkaku about yourself, Vice Captain. He's always commenting about how dashing you look."

"Really?"

"Er…yea."

"I owe it all to Sarah Tay, really. I should show you my Reiatsu Restorative collection some day."

"OH NO, NOT I. I WILL SURVIVE, OH, AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE, I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE. I'VE GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE, I'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE AND I'LL SURVIVE, I WILL SURVIVE. HEY, HEY." (9)

_I _will_ survive,_ thought Hisagi. _Hang-over or not,_ _I'm a trained warrior, damn it. Now get that binding, Hisagi, and get the hell out of here_.

He stretched out his hand and felt for the tie. Grabbing an end, he pulled it, not realizing that it was underneath a bottle of hair tonic. The tonic clattered to the floor. Hisagi froze for a split second, then scurried back to his hiding place on the other side of the vanity.

"Is that you, Sasakibe? We've talked about this. No sneaky peeky at the captain general while he's in the shower. Sasakibe?" Shuuhei flattened himself against the wall and held his breath. The shower curtain opened swiftly; the old man stuck his head out of the shower and squinted around the steam-filled room. "Hmph," he snorted. As the curtain closed with a swish, Shuuhei breathed a sigh of relief.

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT, AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIGHT…"

As the musical cacophony resumed, Shuuhei cautiously made his way to the door. Opening it slowly, he tried to creep through, low to the ground, but Renji and Kira had other ideas. They grabbed him by the uniform and yanked, sending all three sprawling on the floor.

"We've got to get out of here," rasped Renji. "Sasakibe's right outside the door."

"WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS, YOU BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT…"

The three scrambled for the window, diving out to the fading sound of Yama-Jii rocking out, "BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSANE, LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! " (10)

Outside in the nearby trees, Kira asked anxiously, "Did you get it?"

"Right here," a triumphant Shuuhei held up a long leather binding strap with the few long white hairs tangled in it. "Mission accomplished. We have 'removed the bindings of many years.' Whether or not this makes us wise remains to be seen." He had always felt exhilarated, as if on an adrenaline high, after completing particularly difficult missions. Today was no exception, a sure cure for a hang-over.

"Come on, Action Hero, we gotta save Yumi and Ikkaku." Renji grabbed him by the collar and pulled. Shuuhei tossed the binding to Kira, who tucked it into his hakama. The trio rounded the corner in time to hear Sasakibe say, "That's too bad. Well, if you ever change your mind and want a full body massage, I know just the oil for your skin type. It'll have you tingling all over, and I do mean all over," he said, a slightly smarmy tone to his voice.

"Ah, there you are!" called Renji. "Yumi, Ikkaku, we've been looking all over for you! Hello, Sasakibe."

"Abarai, Kira. Hisagi, why are you damp?" asked the older man.

"Work-out, Choujiro," replied Hisagi, feigning a pant. "Just came from a work-out."

"In your uniform, instead of work-out clothing? How odd, but then I don't always understand the younger generation. Well," he said, "the captain general is waiting for me. Don't forget about my offer, Shiny One. Any time, any place. I'll make it worth your while." With a wink to Ikkaku, he brushed past Yumichika and entered the apartment. When he was safely out of view, Ikkaku shuddered. "I feel so used."

"You liked it, admit it," said Yumichika.

"Dude, he was coming on to me. Why didn't he come on to you?"

"Are you kidding? I'm his rival. He thinks we're lovers."

"Lovers!? I don't swing that way!"

"Maybe no," said Yumi, "but apparently, he thinks so. Must have been when you sniffed his cologne. You're a tease, Ikkaku."

"I am not! He asked me to!" countered Ikkaku.

"And do you always do what strange men ask you to do?"

Renji interrupted with a nudge, "We need to get out of here."

"Right," agreed Ikkaku.

Yumichika sighed, "Once a tease, always a tease."

"Well," said Shuuhei with renewed enthusiasm, "at least Ikkaku got a date out of this, even if I still have a ways to go. One task down. What's next?"

**

* * *

****Artwork:**

Yama-jii in the Shower- bcollie9./art/Yama-Jii-Warpin-It-Up-90406766 (she put an adult warning on it, but only because it's a shower scene. No real nudity or offensive behavior.)

The Burger Kuchiki from Chapter 3 "Hooked"- bcollie9./art/Kuchiki-the-Burger-King-90595782

**My appreciation to these great songs and artists:**

(1)** Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour (On the Bed Post Over Night?)**, 1961; sung by Lonnie Donegan, 'King of the Skiffle.'

(2) **Can't Buy Me Love**, written by Paul McCartney, credited to Lennon/McCartney, 1964; sung by the Beatles.

(3) **Are You Lonesome Tonight?**, words & music by Roy Turk and Lou Handman, 1926; sung by Elvis Presley, 1960.

_(4) __**I Got You (I Feel Good)**__, written and sung by James Brown, 1965._

_(5) __**Horse With No Name**__, w_ritten by Dewey Bunnell, 1971; sung by America.

(6) **Won't You Be My Neighbor?**, written and sung by Fred Rogers, 1962 (?), Mister Rogers Neighborhood theme song.

(7) **War**, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong, 1969; sung by Edwin Starr.

(8) **We Are Family**, written by Bernard Edwards and Nile Rodgers, 1979; sung by Sister Sledge.

(9) **I Will Survive**, written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris, 1978; sung by Gloria Gaynor.

(10) **Time Warp**, written by Richard O'Brien, 1973(?); for _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.


	7. Betting on Beauty and Shoes

**A/N Once again, thank you to all of my reviewers and favorit-ers.**

**A WARNING TO THE WISE - If you're easily offended by gender-bender issues or cross dressing, you probably don't want to read the next four chapters. The story works in such a way that you can skip these chapters without losing too much of the storyline. The humor is a little coarse, but of course, it's humor, so please view it as such. My intention is to make you laugh while reading a good story, so as I mentioned at the beginning of this story, I may veer from true canon or characterization for the joke. But then again, these are fictional characters based on fictional characters, in other words, fiction about fiction, so who's to say Hisagi wouldn't wear heels? Okay, maybe he wouldn't in Tite Kubo's world, but in my universe, it's entirely possible. Enjoy and don't take it too seriously. ;o)**

* * *

"Ha! Take that, Hisagi!"

The hard wooden clatter of bō staffs cut through the air of the gymnasium.

"Countered! That the best you can do, Abarai?"

Kira and Ikkaku watched their friends spar from the sidelines.

"Twenty bucks says Hisagi takes one to the head."

"You're on, Ikkaku. An extra five if Hisagi gets Renji first. Come on, Shuuhei! Knock his block off!"

"You're costing me money, Abarai! Kill that sucker!"

Spurred on by Ikkaku's yelling from the sidelines, Renji bore down hard. "Take that, Nanao-lover." The hard staff swung through the air, only to be met half-way by Hisagi's staff.

"Don't call me that, you jerk. I'm only doing this because you guys don't have the guts." Hisagi's next attack was ferocious. He forced Renji backwards, making his opponent search for a useful countermeasure in stemming the attack. Luckily, for Renji, but maybe not for Hisagi, that countermeasure walked in the door.

"Oh, Hisagi!" sang Yumichika Ayasegawa, "I have it!" He walked up to the warring men and waved some papers in front of Hisagi's face.

"Yumi, knock it off. Renji, take a break," ordered Hisagi, easing up on his attack. "Have what?" he asked the feathered man.

Sensing an opportunity in Hisagi's distraction, Renji replied, "I'm not ready for a break!" His bō slashed towards Hisagi's head, only to be stopped by Yumi's Fuji Kujaku, which splintered the bō into several pieces. "Watch the merchandise, Abarai. We can't damage our money maker."

"Pay up, Kira."

"You didn't win."

"Neither did you."

"Split the difference? I'll take your twenty-five and you take my twenty-five?"

"That's fair."

"Will you two shut up?" scolded Yumichika. He turned to Hisagi, "Good news, Shuuhei. I know how we can take care of two of your tasks: 'A wise man walks a mile in another's shoes' and 'a wise man conquers with beauty.'"

"I'm for that. The sooner we get these tasks done, the better."

"I'm so glad you said that! I've entered you in the _Miss Warrior Queen Pageant _in the Rukongai. See? The papers are right here. Aren't you excited?"

The blank stare on Hisagi's face was soon replaced by indignation. "Yumi, I can't enter that contest! It's for women," he protested, grabbing the papers away.

"So? We dress you up as a woman."

Kira elbowed Ikkaku, "Fifty bucks, he wears a miniskirt."

"He's got the legs. Twenty, and you're on."

Renji burst out laughing, "Hisagi, your fondest wish come true! OOF!" Hisagi's bō staff rammed him hard in the stomach. Papers scattered everywhere.

"I can't pass as a woman. Can't someone else do it?" he said, continuing to ram the staff into a prostrate Renji.

"But it has to be you, Shuuhei. I'd enter it myself, but it wouldn't be fair to the other girls, and Kira's too skinny, Renji looks like a series of lightning bolts about to strike, and let's face it, once an Ikkaku, always an Ikkaku."

"True," agreed Shuuhei.

"Damn straight!" crowed Ikkaku.

"That's debatable," Renji snickered, as he picked himself up off the floor.

"Hey! What'd you mean by that remark!" yelled Ikkaku, running from his place on the sidelines. He grabbed the bō from Hisagi's hands and reignited the battle with Renji, who had grabbed two pieces from his shattered staff.

Yumichika led Hisagi over to where Kira stood watching the new combatants. "Now do you get it? To 'conquer with beauty,' you enter a beauty pageant for women and win it."

"Can't I just take Nanao out to watch a sunset or something romantic like that?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You can't have the girl until all of the tasks are completed. It's in the rule book."

"What rule book?!"

"The rule book for romantic quests."

"Yea, Hisagi," added Kira, "everyone knows that."

"And while you're competing in the pageant, you'll wear a pair of women's high heels and 'walk a mile in another's shoes.'"

"Are you sure I can't just wear Renji's sandals for awhile?"

"Why would you want to?" asked Kira, making a face.

"It can't be that simple," said Yumichika, as if it should be obvious.

"Well, why not?"

"Because, Sempai in the sky, it's too easy! Kyouraku would not set you up with such a ridiculously easy solution to these riddles. There's a catch."

"There's always a catch," agreed Kira.

"The catch is we have to figure out what the catch is, 'cause then Kyouraku can't catch us without the catch, see?"

"You're giving me a headache. Okay, Genius, here's another question for you. Don't you think they'll notice my scars and tattoo?"

"They don't call me the 'Kabuki King' for nothing. A little pancake make-up and you'll be the prettiest boy in the pageant." Yumi smiled confidently at Shuuhei who just shook his head.

Kira, sensing an easy victory, challenged, "A hundred bucks says you get kicked out on your ass before the first high heel sets foot on the stage."

Hisagi rose to the challenge, "Don't think I can do it, Kira?"

"Not a chance."

"I'll accept for Shuuhei. You're on," smirked Yumichika. "Double or nothing that he walks away with the crown."

"Deal. What's the grand prize any way?"

"The grand prize is an unopened cask of sake."

Kira's mouth flew open. "An entire cask?"

"Yea," said Shuuhei, "and if you think you're getting any, think again. After what you guys are putting me through, I'm going to need it!"

* * *

As evening drew closer, so did the time for the pageant. Yumichika had put Hisagi through his paces all afternoon, teaching him how to walk, talk and act like a young female in a beauty pageant. By the time of the pageant, Yumi was relatively certain that he had at least a slim chance of retaining his one hundred dollars. And Shuuhei, ever the epitome of Shinigami toughness, had mellowed and even seemed to be embracing his feminine side.

The five men flash stepped to the pageant venue in one of the smaller districts of the Rukongai, each one carrying a supply of pageantry paraphernalia from make-up cases to evening gowns and swimsuits to shoe boxes borrowed from Rangiku.

The only way that Rangiku would loan Hisagi her shoes was if he told her why he needed them. After he explained about the tasks and the attempt to woo Nanao, he had sworn her to secrecy. He had also wondered how long that would last. Rangiku wasn't known for her discretion. Half the Seireitei probably knew about this by now. He just hoped that didn't include Nanao.

"Hurry up. I don't want anybody to see me like this."

"I wish we had had a chance to try some of these things on you beforehand, Shuuhei. We'll just have wing it," sighed Yumichika as they neared the stage door of the tiny auditorium where the contest was to be held.

"Don't worry about it, Yumi. I trust you," said Shuuhei. He was dressed in a bulky sweater and short skirt (much to the delight of Kira's wallet) with high heels which he had changed into once they had arrived. He was managing to walk in them quite admirably. His dark hair had been hidden beneath a sassy auburn wig styled into a traditional pageboy with bangs and a head band.

Yumi had been right. With the pancake make-up and false eyelashes, Shuuhei's scars and tattoo were completely concealed unless you were right in his face. The blue bandage remained, but had been extended across his entire face in what Yumi called 'Warrior Woman Chic.' His eye make-up and lipstick had been kept light in order to avoid Yumi's definition of 'Warrior Woman Tramp.'

"Renji, do be a dear, and open the door for me, won't you? There's a love. MWAH!" Shuuhei blew Renji a kiss with a manicured hand as he breezed past the red-head into the building.

"You're creeping me out, Hisagi," complained Renji.

In his best Mae West imitation, Hisagi oozed, "Deal with it, Big Boy." Returning to his normal voice, he said, "At least, you're not the one wearing heels."

As they headed back stage to the dressing area, a squat little security guard stopped them. "You boys going some place?"

Quietly to the others, Yumichika said, "I'll handle this. Keep your mouths shut." He regarded the guard with an appreciative eye. "Hello there, Mr. Security Guard, sir. We're here for the contest. Did we miss the rehearsal?"

"What rehearsal? You get dressed, you go on stage, you show your stuff and you get off. Ain't no rehearsal for this stinkin' little pageant. But you boys can't be back here."

He peered at the guard's name badge, "'Dave,' is it? Why ever not, Dave?" asked Yumi innocently.

"Cause you're guys and they're girls, and this is where they're dressing, that's why," stated the guard emphatically.

"Oh, but David, we have a girl here, too. Come here, Honey," Yumi pulled Shuuhei forward. "This is Shirley. Shirley Hisagi. She's entered in the pageant."

"How do you do, kind sir?" asked Shuuhei, politely dipping in a slight curtsey.

"Sorry, Sweetheart, didn't see you. Wait here. I gotta check my list." As he passed Renji, he muttered, "Kind of big boned, ain't she?" The guard reached for a clipboard hanging on the wall.

As he did, Ikkaku snorted back some laughter. "He didn't see you, Shirley."

"Must have missed those big bones of yours, Sweetheart," teased Renji.

Shuuhei stood with his hands on his hips. "What did he mean, 'big boned?'"

"It's okay, Hisagi. They say size doesn't matter," Ikkaku howled merrily.

"Which reminds me of you, Ikkaku." Kira rubbed his fingers together, "'Sagi's in a mini. When do I get my money?"

"You're betting on me?"

"Well, betting against you really."

"Shut up, all of you. You'll ruin everything." Yumichika eyed the guard nervously. "Here he comes."

As the guard returned, he said, "I found it. She's on the list, but I already told you, you fellows can't go back there."

"We have to!" cried Yumichika, at a loss for words. It was a new experience.

"That's right," said Renji, quickly stepping in. "We're her body guards and he's her dresser. Are you familiar with the royal family?"

"Me and the royal family? That's a laugh!" snorted the guard. "Them ain't my kind of folk."

"Well, sir," blustered Renji, "you are in the presence of royalty. You see, Dave," Renji put an arm around the guard's shoulder, "Shirley Hisagi is the king's second cousin's aunt's sister on his father's side, thrice removed. We are here to escort Miss Hisagi safely to and from the pageant. We are not to leave her side at any time. Do you understand?"

"You're guarding her? She's big enough to be guarding you, don't you think?" said the guard, giving Hisagi the once-over, since in heels, he towered over them all except for Renji.

"Look," Yumi had regained his composure, "all we need is someplace private and secure for Shirley to change. A men's room, perhaps. And that way, the other ladies in the contest won't be disturbed by strange men in the dressing room. Okay?"

"Strange? You guys? Kind of an understatement, don't you think? Well, I suppose there's a broom closet on the second floor you can use if Her Nibs doesn't mind not getting the royal treatment."

"Not at all," Yumi assured the guard.

"I'm used to it," smiled Hisagi. "I'll see that the king offers you a commendation or something for your kindness."

"Yea, yea, up the stairs and to your right, Queenie."

As the men ascended the stairs behind Shuuhei and Yumichika, Renji laughed, "He has no idea how right he is."

Shuuhei, who was in front of him, kicked at him with his heel. "Shut it, Abarai. And what did he mean, 'big boned?' 'She's big enough to guard you?' Come on, how insulting is that?"

"Turn your frown upside down, Shirley," laughed Kira. "You're smearing your lipstick."

Ikkaku, last in line, added, "I can see up your skirt."

* * *

**An amusing side note: I decided to change the security guard's name from Buck to Dave, so I did a Control F. Not only did the guard's name change, but Kira and Ikkaku were now betting differently:**

**"Twenty Daves says Hisagi takes one to the head."**

**Kira elbowed Ikkaku, "Fifty Daves, he wears a miniskirt."**

**Kira, sensing an easy victory, challenged, "A hundred Daves says you get kicked out on your ass before the first high heel sets foot on the stage."**


	8. Shuuhei, Miss Warrior Queen?

**A/N Again, just a quick warning about the logistics of temporarily turning a man into a woman. Some things just gotta happen, you know? Not into it, skip the next three chapters, but you'll miss out on a lot of humorous stuff.**

* * *

The broom closet where the guard had sent them was actually a larger supply closet. While it was lacking in some amenities, it still had enough room for all of the men to move around freely.

The pageant was set up in two sections. The first was the evening gown competition which would also double as the individual contestant's introduction. The second was the bathing suit competition and talent section, where the contestants were scheduled to show off their physical skills in order to win the title of "Warrior Queen."

Yumichika, exercising his title as beauty expert, worked on Shuuhei in order to glam up his appearance. The eye shadow became a heavier, sultrier cat's eye look, and the lipstick went from a pale peach to a bright coral. He applied rouge and then powdered his face. For the finishing touch, he added white shimmering highlights to Shuuhei's cheekbones and temples.

While they were busy with that, Ikkaku, Renji and Kira sneaked downstairs to scope out the competition. There were five other contestants, ranging from a plain Jane who probably spent more time in the gym than in a beauty parlor, to a pretty young blond thing who, if given a sword, would rather die than break a nail. The thought crossed the men's minds that Hisagi might actually have a chance. He was strong, skilled and best of all, darned pretty.

"We're going back upstairs, Ikkaku. You coming?" asked Renji.

"In a minute. Gotta find that restroom."

"Don't be long, Shine Time. Hisagi might need us."

"Don't worry. I wouldn't miss Shirley's debut for the world."

* * *

"Hey, we're back! How's it hanging, Hisagi?" asked Renji, finding a seat on an upended bucket.

"Close the door, Kira," ordered Yumichika.

"I'm waiting for Ikkaku."

"He's a big boy. He'll find his way back."

"'Big boned.' That still burns me up. That puny little guard can only wish he was big boned."

"Get over it, Pretty Boy, and put on your evening gown," ordered Yumi.

"I hope I never hear those words again," moaned Shuuhei, obediently slipping his head into the silky turquoise fabric that Yumichika held out.

After zipping and buttoning Shuuhei into the gown, Yumi took a step back to admire his protégé. "Hmm, needs something. But what?"

"Shoes?" asked Shuuhei.

"Jewelry?" asked Renji.

"Well, yes to both, but no, there is definitely something else missing." His appraising eye swept over Hisagi in his evening gown, causing him to squirm under the scrutiny. The strapless gown began to shift slowly downward. As Shuuhei tugged it back up, Yumi cried out, "I know what it is! I'm a genius. That goes without saying, but I truly am a genius at this moment in time. Yes, yes, yes! The finishing touch." He began to root around savagely among the bags and boxes that they had brought in. "Where, oh where, could they be?"

"What are you looking for, Yumi?"

Yumichika looked at Shuuhei, the gleam of triumph in his eyes. "Socks! We need socks!"

"Call me stupid," said Renji, "but socks and evening gowns don't go together, do they?"

"You're stupid," said Yumichika brightly. "That was fun."

Shuuhei looked at Renji. "I don't get it either."

They stared blankly at Yumichika, waiting for an explanation. Impatiently, Yumi swatted them both on the back of their heads.

"Watch the wig, Fancy Feathers."

"You're both hopeless. What is it that girls have that guys want?"

"Small feet?" asked Kira, looking down at his size 11's.

"Hopeless! No, you ninnies, boobs! Girls have boobs and Hisagi doesn't."

"Man boobs don't count?" chuckled Hisagi.

"You have moobs?" Renji ducked as Hisagi punched out at him.

Yumichika rolled his eyes and proceeded to address the issue at hand. "Does anybody have any extra socks on them? Kira?"

"What?" Kira sat curled in a corner, trying desperately to disappear into the woodwork.

"Hand over the socks." Yumi stood over him with his hand extended.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I've seen you in the shower."

"Oh…Turn around."

Yumichika did as he was told and Kira, upon standing, also turned around, rummaging through his clothing. "Here." He threw a pair of tube socks in Hisagi's direction.

"Where did you get those?" he asked.

"Don't ask," came the reply.

"Ew, ew, ew!"

"Oh, Kira, you didn't," groaned Renji.

"Hey, I'm not as muscular as you are. I can't help it if I need to artificially fill out the package a little. Do you want 'em or not? If you don't, I'm putting 'em back. I feel a little empty. Besides, Hisagi's the one getting all girly on us."

"He is wearing a dress, you know," reminded Renji.

Yumi took the socks and rolled them up into two balls, stuffing them into the top Shuuhei's evening gown.

"I know where those have been!" he complained.

"Get over it. You want to win, you need boobs."

At that moment, the door flew open and Ikkaku burst in. "First call for the start of the pageant! Damn, Hisagi, you look good! Oh, by the way, two of the girls are out of the competition due to unfortunate accidents. One tripped over a baton that just happened to be in the way, and the other stood up and knocked herself out when she hit her head on somebody's zanpakutou that just happened to be in the way."

"A lot of things just happened to be in the way down there, huh?" questioned Shuuhei. "I don't need your 'help,' Ikkaku. I can win this thing on my own. Thanks to Yumi, I'm beautiful."

"Hey, Shoe-Face, you're getting a little carried away with this transformation, ain't ya?"

"Um, sorry," Hisagi blushed. It was most becoming on him.

"Besides," said Ikkaku, "I only took out the one. Someone else got the other one."

"Come on, Ladies. Time to go." Yumichika herded them out of the room and down the steps. The other three contestants were waiting to line up too. The gym nut was still there, as well as the pretty blond. The last contestant still standing was a slightly pudgy girl with black hair and goth make-up. Shuuhei, aka Shirley, took his place in line behind her.

"You're kind of big-boned for a girl, aren't you?" she asked with a sneer.

"Oh, that was just totally unnecessary," replied Hisagi.

"Don't mind her," soothed the blond, "she's just jealous because you have such gorgeous bone structure. Hi, I'm Amee."

Shuuhei couldn't believe his luck. This girl was beautiful and she was talking to him! "Nice to meet you, Amee. I'm Sh…Shirley." What was wrong with this picture?

"And now, Ladies, Gentlemen and fellow lodge members," came a voice over the speaker system, "welcome to the first annual 'Miss Warrior Queen Pageant,' where beauty, grace and elegance meet strength, agility and skill. Let's meet our contestants."

As the first three girls moved out onto the stage, Yumichika grabbed Shuuhei's arm, "We'll be watching in the wings, Shirley. Break a leg, Sweetheart."

"Thanks, Yumi. I may have to kill you all later. Nothing personal, but a girl's gotta keep her head held high somehow."

As Hisagi headed for the stage, Renji pinched him in the rear for good measure.


	9. On with the Show

**A/N Okay, this is the chapter that you really should skip if you get offended easily. It's funny, but part of it deals with men's crotches, so you decide. You've been warned…**

**And as a reminder, I do not own Bleach or any of the characters, not even Shirley.**

* * *

"He looks good out there," whispered Yumichika to Kira.

"The crowd seems to like him, too."

Ikkaku said, "Lots of men in the audience, did you notice?"

A strangely familiar, yet unfamiliar, voice from the stage caught their attention. Shuuhei was reciting the pre-planned speech that Yumichika had taught him as Shirley's introduction. "My name is Shirley Hisagi. I like cleaning house, gardening and cooking gourmet meals. I enjoy water aerobics and gymnastics because I used to be a contortionist. I can bench press 200 pounds without breaking a nail and I can go all night long, just like a bunny. I'm thrilled to be here in front of this handsome audience." He threw kisses at the audience with his perfectly manicured hands.

The round of applause was deafening.

"Leave it to Shuuhei to turn on the men, too. Lucky bastard. Those other girls don't stand a chance."

* * *

At the end of the evening gown competition, Renji rushed Shuuhei upstairs to get ready for the swimwear and talent portion of the show. Yumichika and Kira had gone ahead to get things ready for a quick change. Ikkaku was nowhere to be seen.

"How'd it go?" asked a breathless Hisagi, stripping out of the gown.

"Don't lose the socks!" growled Yumichika.

"It's going good, Shu." Kira fluffed Shuuhei's hair with a brush.

"I need you in the swim suit now, Hisagi." Yumichika set about putting out the accessories for the second competition as Shuuhei squirmed his way into a one–piece emerald colored bathing suit.

"It's a gorgeous color for you!" crowed Yumichika upon seeing him/her. "Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Got your socks?"

"This is just humiliating." But the men in the room had to admit that the tall man in the woman's swim suit looked pretty darn good. Hairy, but good.

"You didn't shave your legs?"

"No."

"Shuuhei, you needed to shave your legs!" cried Yumichika. "It didn't show under the evening gown, but it's pretty obvious with a swim suit, don't you think? And speaking of obvious, Shuuhei, you need to tuck."

Hisagi looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"You know, tuck. Come here. I'll show you." Yumichika dragged Shuuhei off into a corner of the room.

As Yumi and Shuuhei huddled across the room, the door opened silently and Ikkaku slithered into the room, peering down the hallway before closing the door.

"Where have you been?" Renji questioned.

"Around. By the way, that chubby little girl that insulted Hisagi? She's out of the pageant." Ikkaku examined his fingernails. They needed a trim, but it would have to wait until his work here was done. "Seems someone put laxatives in her green tea."

"Funny how the contestants keep dropping out," Kira mused. His chances of winning the bet with Yumichika and Hisagi diminished every time a girl dropped out.

"Yeah, funny that. What are you looking at me for?" asked Ikkaku, feigning offense at Kira's tone.

Renji's attention, however, was drawn to the far corner. "What are they doing over there?"

"Shaving his legs, maybe? I don't know," laughed Kira.

"He doesn't have to worry about that," Ikkaku said. "I caught a glimpse of that girl who looks like she works out all of the time as she ran away from me. She didn't shave her legs either, and they're hairier than Hisagi's." He pulled a small knife from his belt and began to clean under his nails.

By now, the far corner was getting rather animated. Shuuhei was waving his arms in the air in exasperation as Yumichika barked impatiently, "Here! Let me!"

"AHH! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" Shuuhei stormed across the room, followed by an unapologetic Yumichika.

"If you're going to dress as a woman, you have to tuck!"

"I PREFER TO DO IT MYSELF!"

"Picky, picky, picky," tsked Yumi.

"Oh, that is just so wrong!" groaned Kira. Renji doubled-over in laughter, glad it wasn't him.

"What's the matter, Shu-Face?" asked Ikkaku. "Yumichika getting on your nerves?"

"Do you know what he just did to me? Gar, that's uncomfortable!" Hisagi was doubled-over too, holding his forearm against his crotch.

"Man up, Princess. Whatever he did to you is no worse than what he does to me all the time."

Renji looked at his bald companion curiously. "Hey, Brick for Brains, do you even know what's going on here?"

"Sure," blustered Ikkaku, working on a stubborn fingernail. "Yumi's found a way to torture our little Britney here. He does stuff like that to me all the time. I've learned to just let him do what he wants and don't make a scene over it. I take it like a man. Like I said, Princess here needs to man up, even in heels."

"I knew it, you walking gumball! You have no idea what Yumichika just did to Hisagi!" Renji laughed.

Kira smirked, "I think Shuuhei had a normal man reaction to it."

Ikkaku put the knife away, thinking that maybe he'd better pay attention to what was going on. He eyed Shuuhei. "Yumi uses me for target practice, and I don't see any burn marks, so it can't be that bad."

"Come here, Moonbeam, let me 'splain it to ya," Renji draped an arm over Ikkaku's shoulder and ushered him off to another portion of the room. (1)

While Abarai explained to Ikkaku the facts of life as a cross-dresser in a bathing suit, Kira turned to Yumichika, "Do you really use him for target practice?"

His answer was interrupted by a loud, "ABARAI, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Naw, he's just fun to tease. Watch this." In an equally loud voice, Yumichika yelled, "OVERCOMPENSATE."

Ikkaku stormed back across the room, stopping about an inch in front of Yumichika's face. "I do not overcompensate by fighting in order to disguise my feminine side. That's your theory, Ayasegawa, not mine! This man's a man, you hear me?" pointing to himself. "And I do not go around killing everything in sight just to prove my manhood…only the things that deserve to be killed, damn it!"

"Why are you so defensive, Ikkaku?" Yumichika fluttered his eyelashes innocently. "All I said was that Hisagi was going to have to swing his hips in order to overcompensate for his broad shoulders, that's all."

"Oh," stammered Ikkaku, "I thought you meant that thing you're always telling me."

"I know what you thought, Ikkaku," smiled Yumi. "You thought I meant that you were the one overcompensating again, didn't you? Poor boy. We know it's not true, don't we?" Yumi cooed, "Poor little Ikkaku, so misunderstood." He stroked Ikkaku's cheek. "It's not true at all, is it, Baby?"

"No, it's not," agreed Ikkaku. "Hey! Stop that!" After some deliberation, he said half-heartedly, "After I kill Abarai, you're next."

* * *

A knock on the door signaled that it was time to go onstage for the second part of the competition. The five trooped downstairs to find only two other contestants, the pretty blond named Amee in a two piece suit that showed off her knock-out figure and the muscular girl that Ikkaku had been after earlier in a one piece suit that showed off her rather small, but muscular bosom.

Unintimidated, she walked up to him, "You've got spunk, Baldy. You almost caught me."

"I ain't bald, Spunky, I'm clean shaven, unlike your legs. Next time, I won't miss," he replied, standing eye to eye with her.

"I like your style," she said. "I can leg press 400 pounds. How'd you like to give these thighs a try some hot and steamy night?"

"I like my women built like a truck," replied Ikkaku.

Renji looked at Kira. "Yea, dumpy with a wide load in back."

By now, the show had started again and the emcee called the first girl on stage for the swimwear and talent competition. "I have to go on stage now. Save my spot, Bald and Beautiful." She chucked him lightly under his chin with her fist.

As Ikkaku tried to keep from drooling, Amee and the men watched from the sidelines while Spunky went through her paces. They were suitably impressed. She was strong, agile, and showed off her muscles in numerous body building poses.

Returning from the stage, she bumped into Shuuhei and sneered, "Beat that, Carrot Top." Hisagi, who had been trying to make time with Amee as 'Shirley,' grabbed his sword hilt, but resisted the urge to unsheathe it.

"Your strap needs fixed, Shirley. Here, let me." Amee reached up and gave Hisagi's suit strap a tug. "There, that'll fix you," giggled the blond girl. "I'm next. I'm going to twirl fire batons for them. See you later." She grabbed her batons and headed towards the stage.

Hisagi felt the panic rise in his throat. "Yumi, she's a twirler! There's not a man alive who can resist a perky majorette in a bikini twirling flaming batons. I don't stand a chance."

Yumichika turned to Hisagi, "We should have put you in a thong."

"Argh!" Shuuhei cried out in exasperation. To come all this way, in heels yet, only to be beaten by someone twirling batons! He had to 'conquer with beauty,' but it looked as if Amee might conquer the judges instead. As the tension rose in his body, his left strap whizzed like a sling-shot over his shoulder. "She sabotaged my suit!"

"That's not fair!" cried Kira.

"We can't let her win," growled Hisagi. "She's messin' with my destiny!"

"Mine too!" wailed Spunky. "I need this win for my self-esteem!" She grabbed Ikkaku by the hands. "Do something, my crystal ball of love," Spunky pleaded. "Take her out, my manly man. For me, your little love monkey, and the nights of bliss yet to be."

He gazed deeply into her good eye, "For you, my love truck." He marched over to Yumichika. "Shine me up, Yumichika, and point me towards the brightest light."

"Kira, fix Hisagi's strap. Renji, I'm going to need your help to aim," barked Yumichika, springing into action.

As Kira pinned and sewed, Shuuhei realized that maybe the girl on stage wasn't as innocent as she seemed to be. She proceeded to light her fire batons by bending over, showing off her lovely behind. She obviously knew how to work up an audience of men. All she needed was a pole. Maybe, he mused, it was just as well as that she knew him as Shirley and not Shuuhei. Besides, for some odd reason, he felt like he was cheating on Nanao.

Yumi finished polishing Ikkaku's head to a brilliant shine.

"Shine-My-Gami Polishing Cream. Works every time," said Yumi proudly. (2)

With Renji's help, he positioned Ikkaku's mirror-like head to catch the bright stage lights.

"A little to the right. Down. Up. Right there!"

A flash of light reflected from the gleaming head of Ikkaku, danced across the stage, striking Amee in the eyes as she looked up to catch her fiery batons.

"Ah! I can't see!" she screamed. The batons hit the stage and rolled, flaming, towards the judges' table. Amee, in her blindness, stepped on one as it rolled past her, landing her flat on her back. "I can't move!"

* * *

**A/N** (1) Copy and paste bcollie9./art/The-Tucking-Incident-90571568 for Dolphin Whisperer's artistic interpretation of "The Tucking Incident."

(2) Another in a long line of shameless plugs for _Sarah Tay at the Seireitei_.

Dolphin Whisperer also has a story here called "Bleached Ice." It's a lot of fun with hockey. Read it, won't you? I owe her tons!


	10. Bankai and Run

**A/N Thanks to DolphinWhisperer for her help in proofing and play-acting! She's amazing. She also says you're all going to kill me...**

* * *

When the smoke from the batons and the fire extinguishers had settled and Amee had been carted off to the hospital, the Miss Warrior Queen Pageant picked up where it had left off after the brief unscheduled intermission.

Shuuhei was next on stage. "Keep an eye on him," he whispered to Renji, nodding towards Ikkaku. "He's getting pretty chummy with my competition. I don't want any unfortunate accidents."

"I've got my eye on him."

"Hey," yelled Ikkaku, "you questioning my loyalties? Shinigami first, love machine second. Sorry, Babe, that's just the way I roll." He kissed Spunky hard on the lips and shoved her aside, rejoining his friends to watch Shuuhei's performance. Spunky was left alone to fume.

As Shuuhei headed out onstage with his zanpakutou strapped to his side, Yumichika croaked from the sidelines, "Swing your hips, Hisagi, swing your hips."

Ikkaku yelled, "Overcompensate! Overcompensate!"

Shuuhei, never one to be shy on stage, teetered over to the judges' table in his heels. Winking seductively, he turned his back and flexed, exposing every sinew in his back. Beautiful and muscular, he was a winning combination, but he didn't stop there. Unsheathing his zanpakutou, he demonstrated some intricate sword handling techniques, all the while headed like a powerful freight train towards his finale.

Kira gasped, "He's going to release his bankai!"

"Crap!" said Renji. "This I gotta see!"

"Will you look at that thing?" gaped Ikkaku.

"Look at it? Listen to it! It's spectacular!"

"He's won," clapped a joyous Yumichika. "Brilliant move, Hisagi. BRAVO!"

The thunderous applause from the audience rolled through the auditorium, serving only to anger a swim-suited by-stander who had overheard the entire conversation. The use of a masculine pronoun had not gone unnoticed.

Shuuhei sheathed his zanpakutou, curtsied and ran off the stage. "Well?" he asked, sweat clinging to his bangs. "How'd it go?"

"Do you really need to ask?" Yumichika grabbed him in a bear hug. "You were magnificent! I've never been so proud." He sniffed back the tears before turning up his nose and pushing Shuuhei away. "You're sweaty and you smell, but it doesn't matter!" He grabbed him again. "WE WON!"

After congratulations all around, Shuuhei began to prepare for the awards ceremony. He had won; they were sure of it. He searched the wings for the muscular girl and watched a sad scene unfold. Ikkaku had searched for her too. Meeting her glare, he shrugged his shoulders as a kind of apology, but she turned away. Hisagi walked over to Ikkaku and put an arm around his shoulder.

"There will be other women, Ikkaku," he sympathized.

"You coming on to me, Hisagi? You've been wearing high heels a little too long."

* * *

"And the winner of the Miss Warrior Queen Pageant is Miss Shirley Hisagi!"

Shuuhei stepped forward to accept the sash and crown while Spunky smoldered in the background. He was handed a bouquet of roses to carry. _Yumi deserves these_, he thought.

"The lucky winner also receives a cask of top quality sake made by the Sake-Makers Group of the Rukongai." The emcee pointed to a pedestal of gold where a gleaming cask of sake sat for all to admire. "Congratulations, Miss Warrior Queen. Please take your walk of honor."

Shuuhei smiled to himself. _We're going to have one hell of a party after this. Maybe we'll even invite Rangiku. After all, these are her shoes._

As the music started and Shuuhei began his victory walk on the stage, he wondered how Rangiku could stand to walk in high heels all day. His feet were blistered and sore, plus his calves burned like fury and his knees were threatening to go out on him. Certain that he had gone more than a mile in her shoes, he was ready to kick them off and go barefoot, but he knew that Yumichika would have his hide if he did. It would have to wait until he got off stage. But at least another task, 'walk a mile in another's shoes,' had been completed.

It came as a surprise to Shuuhei, but also as a relief since his head was hot and starting to itch, when a hand reached out from behind him and yanked off his wig.

"He's a man!" came an irate voice. "Look, he's a man! I should have won!" Spunky lunged at Shuuhei as the stunned judges and audience members watched and winced.

"Spunky! NOOOO!!" hollered Ikkaku.

Shuuhei dodged her attack deftly, whacking her with the bouquet of roses.

Yumichika spotted Dave, the burly little guard from earlier, running towards the stage. "Run, Shuuhei!" he yelled.

"Grab the sake!" yelled Renji.

Shuuhei dashed across the stage as fast as his shoes would let him, grabbed the cask and hightailed it towards the wings, where his buddies unceremoniously pushed him out the door, leaving the roses, the crown and the pandemonium in the auditorium behind. The four men and Shuuhei ran through the streets and kept running until they were far away from the beauty pageant venue.

Certain that they were no longer being followed, they rested under a tall tree. Renji tossed Shuuhei a bag.

"Here. Change your clothes. I don't care about the make-up, but that swimsuit is really disturbing."

Hisagi laughed. "Yea, I gotta get my manhood back."

A few minutes later, with make-up removal help from Yumichika, he looked, and felt, like his old self again. As they sat resting in the grass under the tree, Renji laughed, "You make a helluva girl, Hisagi."

"Under ordinary circumstances, Abarai, you'd never get away with that remark. Helluva day," he sighed. Carefully folding his newly acquired sash, he placed it on his lap. "So, Kira, pay up. I won."

"Like hell!"

Yumichika chimed in. "We won that contest fair and square, Kira, now pay up."

"I gotta side with my boys, Kira," said Renji. "If you're going to bet big, you gotta be prepared to pay big."

"But I didn't lose," said Kira smoothly.

"Like hell!" echoed Shuuhei. "I won that blasted contest! I have the sash and the cask to prove it!

"True," said Kira lightly, "but that wasn't the bet."

"I'm afraid he's right, Shuuhei," added Yumichika quietly.

"WHAT?!"

Kira replied, "The bet was, and I quote, that you would 'walk away with the crown.'"

"Unfortunately, it's true," Yumi shook his head. "I remember saying that."

"Seems to me," said Kira smugly, "that the crown got left behind with your wig. Pay up."

"Now we get literal? After all I've been through today, you have the guts to sit there and tell me I didn't win the bet?" Hisagi's voice was rising in anger. The sash was twisting in his hands.

"Run, Kira!" urged Yumichika.

Kira was fast, but Hisagi, in spite of his tired feet, was motivated. It had been a hard day, his feet hurt like blazes, he hoped to never wear a wig and false eyelashes again and all he had for his suffering was a stupid little satin sash that didn't even go with his coloring.

_Well_, he thought as he tackled Kira and tightened it around his neck, _at least, I can put it to good use_.

"Ooo," said Ikkaku, "that's going to leave a mark."

* * *

**A/N** I know, I know, it was a nasty trick… :P


	11. Hermetically Sealed

"It seems that when I was at Division 4 for a check-up the other day, Shunsui, I overheard a few people talking." Ukitake sat at Shunsui's cluttered desk in the Eighth division office. Shunsui himself was reclining on the long couch beside the far wall, hat pulled over his eyes, fan waving leisurely in his hand.

"Really, Jushiro? Whatever were they discussing?"

"You, of course, my friend."

"Hmm, what about me?" yawned Shunsui. "I always like to hear the latest gossip about myself." He paused. "Did you know that I'm hermetically sealed for freshness?"

"Good heavens, Shunsui, what are you talking about?" asked a baffled Jushiro.

"Yes, according to the gossip, I've supposedly had some of me sealed in a jar and donated to the

local sperm bank where I have fathered fourteen children. None to Nanao, unfortunately." (1)

"I'm sure you wouldn't mind donating that one in person," offered Ukitake.

"Jushiro, what do you take me for?" Shunsui would have pretended to be offended, but decided it was too strenuous. "Nanao is my family. She's like my daught…no, more like my wi…no, my cous… Anyway, I'm captain to her vice captain. It would be against protocol, although the thought has crossed my mind on numerous occasions."

"And is it proper protocol to send five unfortunate Shinigami out on a ridiculous, fortune cookie nonsense quest in order to get your vice captain a date? Or is it abuse of personnel?"

"They're not idiots, Jushiro. They know a tall tale when they hear one. And other than twisting Hisagi's arm a little…okay, a lot…they're doing this because they want to. These tasks are simple and easy for them to do, and will keep them out of trouble for all of five minutes until this tedious lack of activity is over. Besides, Nanao and Hisagi'll make a cute couple, don't you think?"

"I thought you didn't want them to be a couple."

"Ultimately, I don't, but you're forgetting one important thing, Jushiro. Even families need a vacation from each other. She'll be back when her little 'vacation' with Hisagi is over. I'm counting on him to get bored and move on pretty quickly. After all, how could he get too involved with Nanao, eh? She's not the easiest girl in the world to get along with."

"Maybe not for you. I don't have a problem with Nanao. Speaking of the dear sainted lady, where have you sent her this time?" asked Ukitake.

"She sent herself, Jushiro. She got angry and yelled at me for not giving her a message. Isane stopped by earlier, gave me a note for Nanao and I put it on my desk where she was sure to see it. She blames me for hiding it on her and she left the office in a huff, but I'm innocent. Surely you see the note there, right?"

"Did you help her look?"

"I directed her from the couch, but she must the blind. The note is right there. Now do you see why we're at loggerheads? She's unreasonable."

"I don't see a note, Shunsui." Ukitake moved some papers and peered around stacks of reports, looking for the missing note.

"It's in plain view. I'm sure of it," protested Shunsui. "I was drinking my morning coffee when Isane came in and handed me the note. I put the note on my desk…"

"…and then set your coffee cup down on top of it, Shunsui. It's right here, hidden under your coffee cup." Ukitake waved the wayward note in his hand for Shunsui to see.

"I don't see how she missed that. I'll have to scold her for not looking hard enough, the lazy girl."

"You should know about lazy. Now, about what I heard in Division 4 today..."

"I'm sure it's nothing." Shunsui waved his hand in the air as if dismissing the idea. "They're having a slumber party."

"It seems…" started Ukitake. He stopped abruptly and gaped at Shunsui. "How do you know that? Oh, Shunsui, don't tell me you read the note."

"Of course, I read the note. I have to protect Nanao from unsavory influences."

"And yet, you're throwing her to the wolves with this scheme of yours."

"I trust Hisagi. He's a lot like me -- a drunkard, a womanizer and a damn fine warrior. That's how I know he won't stick around too long."

"Speaking of drinking," continued Ukitake, "it seems, and Kiyone confirmed this through Isane, that the other day, Hisagi showed up pissant drunk at the fourth very early in the morning with Abarai and Kira. They wanted something to sober him up quickly. Isane heard them whispering to each other about a small window of time in which to accomplish their so-called 'mission.' I assume this has something to do with you?"

"Gossip, just gossip," yawned Shunsui, readjusting his hat over his eyes. "It's nice to know that they're taking this seriously."

"She also heard them mention breaking and entering, and Hisagi kept muttering something about jail. If you ask me, they're taking your list of half-baked fortunes a little too seriously."

Shunsui waved off Jushiro's concerns with his fan. "Nonsense, simple tasks from a simple list. Change a light bulb; help an old person to cross the street. Nothing more, nothing less."

"The rumor is also traveling the grapevine that Hisagi borrowed shoes and make-up from Rangiku. She was telling everyone about it. Now why do you suppose he needed those?"

"I don't have a clue," he chuckled. "Perhaps he has a sister."

Ukitake walked over to where his friend was lying. Leaning over Shunsui, he took hold of the fan and said quietly, "Rumor or Matsumoto, whichever you prefer, also has it that someone else is pulling the strings…someone like you, Shunsui. If our fearless Soul Reapers do get into trouble because of your hare-brained scheme to 'take a vacation' from Nanao by getting her a man, it's very likely that this will eventually get back to her before you want it to…if it hasn't already."

Shunsui slowly sat up on the couch, coming face to face with Ukitake. "Now that might be a problem."

* * *

**A/N** Task #3 with Kuchiki in a few days. :o)

(1) I have to thank DolphinWhisperer for the 'hermetically sealed for freshness' line that she threw at me in a challenge. She had me stumped on this one, so she came up with that little tidbit about the sperm bank. I can't take credit for that.


	12. As Smart As Pants

**A/N I have to stop and thank my wonderful readers and reviewers. WOW! You guys are so much more creative in interpreting the fortune cookies than I am. I love it! I hope you're not too disappointed in me. Here we go with two more fortunes over the next four chapters. I can't post it all right now, but the rest will be up by Monday.**

**Here's a copy and paste for "Shine Me Up, Yumichika" in Chapter 9: bcollie9./art/Shine-Me-Up-91410612. It wasn't finished when the chapter went up.**

* * *

Five men, dressed in black, stood in a shadowy courtyard across the street from Byakuya Kuchiki's estate. Each held a backpack filled with items that they felt were necessary in order to complete the next task. They had 'scoped out the joint' (as Ikkaku had put it) earlier in evening as they watched women from all divisions enter for a bachelorette party to celebrate the up-coming wedding of two of Division Six's members. There were also unsubstantiated rumors that this was a slumber party instead. Yumichika had hoped to crash it; he had an exquisite number in his backpack that he had designed himself. Rangiku would have been so jealous. He chuckled at the thought.

"Okay, Red, tell me again why we're dressed in real world black jeans and black turtleneck shirts." Hisagi waited impatiently for a reasonable explanation.

"Because, Simple Simon, we'll be less conspicuous this way."

"But we always dress in black. Now we stand out because these are real worlder clothes."

Yumichika sighed, "I was hoping for something a little more colorful and frilly, but I must admit, my tushie looks great in these jeans. Yours too, Hisagi. Nice buns."

"Uh, I'll thank you to not look at them. You've been far too personal with my private parts lately," he grumped, thinking back to the beauty pageant. He tugged at the jeans. "Why are these things so tight anyway?"

"Whatsamatter, Hisagi," laughed Renji, "do you need to tuck?" His remark was answered by a punch in the arm. "Ow!"

"Tight?" griped Ikkaku. "Mine are barely staying up. It's like they were made to hang off my ass. If I wanna pull up the zipper, I gotta start at my knees."

"Ikkaku, are you wearing boxers?" asked Kira, looking at him from behind.

"No."

"Briefs?"

"No."

Kira nodded thoughtfully, "That's why I can see your lower limits."

"Lower limits?" said Hisagi, checking him out, "that's half of his ass."

Renji slapped Ikkaku on the head. "I've always thought Ikkaku was half-assed. This just proves it."

"Back off, Ketchup Head."

Hisagi asked, "Are you wearing anything under there? What's that little strap?"

"It's a thong, okay?"

Yumi broke into song, "_With a thong in my heart…"_

"Stop singing, you moron. Besides, it's in my butt, not my heart."

_"There's a thong in your butt…"_ Yumichika ducked just in time.

"That is so wrong!" groaned Kira, moaning into Renji's shoulder.

"Here's a rope." Hisagi threw a piece of cord from his pack at the half-naked man. "Tie up your pants. We're not here to scare anybody, and for the sake of any decency still left in the Seireitei, change the subject!" he ordered.

"Hisagi, why are you wearing sandals?" Yumichika asked, his hands on his hips. "Everyone else has on black shoes and socks."

"What are you now, Yumi? My fashion guru? One beauty pageant and you think you have the right to tell me how to dress? Everyone else didn't have to wear fricking high heels for a day. My dogs are killing me. You're lucky I can stand."

"Pansy," laughed Ikkaku. "I thought you were tougher than that. Your dogs _should_ kill you if you're that weak." He looked down at Hisagi's feet. "Sic 'im, dogs! Worthless pansy." He spat on the ground.

"Hey, Half-Ass, you try traipsing around town in heels for a day."

"Not a problem," sneered Ikkaku. "A real man ain't afraid of a little pain."

"Oh, good, cause I was going to return these to Rangiku afterwards," said Hisagi, pulling a pair of woman's shoes out of the pack he was carrying, "but I think you should have the honor after you've broken 'em in for her."

Ikkaku looked at the shoes as if they were foreign objects. "I'm not wearing those! You've already had your dogs in them. How do I know you don't have athlete's feet?"

"What do you care? It's not like you're the god of cleanliness to start with," Hisagi jeered. "I think you're afraid to wear them."

"That's bull. I'm not afraid of anything, least of all a pair of women's shoes. Hand 'em over, Trout!"

"Trout?" asked Kira.

"Yea, he's got a big mouth!"

"I think that's a bass, Ikkaku," corrected Kira.

"Doesn't matter. He's still got a big mouth."

Ikkaku grabbed the shoes and stuffed his feet into them with much effort. Unfortunately, while Rangiku did have large feet for a woman and the shoes had fit Hisagi's feet perfectly, Ikkaku's were larger. Not quite as large as Kira's, but large enough to be horribly pinched. The strain on his face was obvious. He stood and hobbled around the courtyard while the others watched. Within a minute, he had been reduced to near tears.

"Get 'em off, get 'em off!" he screamed. Yumichika and Kira sprang into action, yanking furiously at the over-stuffed shoes. Renji and Hisagi watched and laughed, Hisagi taking a special sadistic pleasure in watching his friend suffer just a small portion of what he himself had had to endure for a full day.

Ikkaku bellowed, "Rip me limb from limb, impale me on spikes, run my guts through with a rusty blade, but don't ever make me wear those torture traps again." In an unusual display of respect, Ikkaku, now free of the shoes, bowed low to Hisagi, "A thousand pardons, oh Great One. I will never again question your ability to wear women's garments."

Hisagi smacked him on the head.

"He's challenging you, Ikkaku!" Yumichika jumped to Ikkaku's side to egg him on. "Don't let him get away with that slap. You're a member of the Eleventh. Challenge him back. He challenged you, so the choice of weapons is yours."

"Yeah, YEAH, I accept your challenge, Hisagi."

"I didn't challenge you. I was just trying to knock some sense into that bulbous head of yours."

"Okay, then I challenge you and you can pick the weapon," smirked Ikkaku, up for a fight.

"Fine, whatever," yawned Hisagi. "I choose panty girdles and underwire bras for a day. I hear they're worse than high heeled shoes."

Ikkaku blanched, turning a ghostly shade of white as the color drained from his face. "We fight to the death in the Eleventh. I have never run away from anything in my life, but I'll be damned if I'm going to die in women's underwear. You win this one, Hisagi."

Shuuhei smirked, "An Eleventh squad member admitting defeat? Done in by lacy fabric? I can't wait to tell Kenpachi about this."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"


	13. Nanao's Problem

"What was that noise?" asked Rukia inside the estate's grand ballroom where the bachelorette party was in full swing, if you could call it that. Classical music played softly in the background. Long, lavishly decorated tables were set up in a row end to end with chairs on one side. The bride-to-be, a high ranking member of the sixth division, sat with her attendants at a smaller table in the middle of the floor, facing the long tables, on display for all to see and observe her every action. She looked very uncomfortable. Behind her was an extravagantly huge cake, surrounded by packages and assorted gifts.

But the piece de resistance was off to the left side. Byakuya Kuchiki, in his finest attire, sat on a platform, reigning supreme over the bachelorette party.

What had started as small intimate affair thrown together by Rukia for her good friend Sunni had been turned into a grand statement of pomp by the Master of Uppity, Byakuya. Not only had he taken control from Rukia and planned the party, now he sat like a king on a throne, making the women uncomfortable with his presence and frightening more than a few lest they forget their proper manners in front of him.

"It sounds more exciting out there, than it is in here," sighed Rangiku, leaning on her elbow which rested firmly on the table.

"Ahem," came a reprimanding sound from the throne. She removed her elbow reluctantly, yet obediently.

"When are we going to eat?" complained Hinamori. "I'm hungry and this music is driving me bonkers."

"Quiet, Momo, after all Brother has done, I don't want him to think we're ungrateful. Surely, you can wait a few more minutes until the caterers are ready."

"Can't we play a game or something, instead of just sitting here?" asked Kiyone.

"I asked Brother about games, but he said that they were undignified."

"How is a word scramble or guess the number of peanuts undignified?" asked Rangiku in disgust. "You should have asked us for help in planning this party, Rukia."

"I'm sorry," said Rukia in a hushed voice, "but Brother offered his house for free and when he asked about my plans, he didn't like them."

"You at least had a stripper lined up, didn't you?" asked Rangiku.

"Of course! That's what he didn't like."

"So he just took over?" asked Nanao.

"Yes, he does that a lot, I'm afraid."

Nanao looked at her and said sardonically, "I wish my captain would take over at least something from me. It's always, 'Nanao, move my arm so I can sign this paperwork that you did for me' or 'Nanao, bring me a drink, put it to my mouth and tilt' or 'Nanao, move my bowels for me.' I swear, the man can't do anything on his own. He's infuriating!"

"Byakuya is just the opposite. I wish he'd loosen up a little," complained Rukia, emboldened by her kindred spirit in Nanao. Rangiku poked Rukia in the side as Byakuya neared the table.

"Are you enjoying the party, Dear Sister?" he asked, gliding along the table in front of the women.

"Oh, yes, Brother," nodded Rukia.

"I sensed a disturbance from this area. Lieutenant Ise, is everything all right?"

Nanao blushed, having been caught in the act of disparaging her captain. "Yes, Captain, everything is lovely."

"I should think so. Troubles should be left at the door for such a joyous occasion. Please, Ladies, enjoy the party. The caterers are scheduled to serve in eleven minutes, so until then, resume your unstructured chitchat. I will attempt to chat with the bride-to-be on a social level."

"Poor Sunni." Nanao watched the sixth division captain unintentionally intimidating his guest of honor with small talk. "What is it with captains that they're such jerks? No offense, Captain Unohana. I'm referring to the male Shinigami captains only. Although plenty of the vice captains can be jerks too."

"So you've heard then?" asked Unohana.

"I'm sorry. Heard what?" asked Nanao.

Unohana put a hand to her mouth. "Oh, dear, maybe I shouldn't say anything else."

Isane patted her captain on the arm. "She's going to find out sometime, Captain. Maybe now is the right time."

"Does everyone agree that Nanao should be told?" asked the captain.

"This'll be fun," giggled Hinamori.

Heads nodded in agreement at the table.

"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" demanded Nanao, perturbed to be the only one not in on the joke.

"I'll tell her, since I'm the one that let the pussycat out of the satchel," said Unohana. She placed an arm around Nanao's shoulder. "Captain Kyouraku has sent five very capable Shinigami, three lieutenants and two others, on a quest to save your life." She stopped to see Nanao's reaction to this news; however, Nanao sat perfectly still, hands folded in her lap, no change in expression showing on her face. Unohana tried to see past her glasses, but Nanao was somehow shielding her eyes from the captain. She put a hand on her arm. "Oh, Nanao, why couldn't you have come to me with your problem?"

Finally, in a slow, measured voice, Nanao asked, "Did the captain tell you what my problem was, Captain Unohana?"

"Oh, no, dear, I understood that it was personal in nature. I'm afraid I didn't ask any more questions, since you hadn't come directly to me with your problem. I was assured that one of these five men had the answer to your situation," mothered Unohana.

"Captain, I can assure you that the only problem I have is a busybody for a captain who thinks it's hilarious to set me up with men. He's done this before. The quest is to save my social life, since the captain and I have not been getting along recently and he wants me out of his hair for awhile. The nerve of that man!" Nanao was livid. "Who does he think is a worthy suitor for me this time?"

Rangiku jumped into the conversation. "I can tell you that," she said. "Shuuhei Hisagi. He told me himself when he borrowed my heels and make-up."

Isane let out a little gasp.

"It's okay, he had his reasons," assured Rangiku. "Oh! I'm sorry, Isane. I forgot that you and Shuuhei used to be involved." (1)

"It's okay, Rangiku. I was just surprised, that's all. What Shuuhei and I had is long over. It took me a long time to get over my bitterness, but I realize now it's for the best. He's a good guy, Nanao. Honorable."

"And cute," giggled Hinamori.

"Yes, but I barely know the man and my captain is setting me up with him!"

"It could be worse, Nanao. At least, Hisagi is easy on the eyes," said Matsumoto.

"And polite," added Kiyone.

"And responsible," added Rukia.

"And cute," Hinamori giggled again.

"And somewhat of a romantic when he tries," added Isane.

"Yes, but he wears high heels."

"Not all of the time," defended Isane.

"That's reassuring," said Nanao sarcastically.

"I'll give you all the dirt on him at the slumber party."

"Are you sure it's him, Rangiku?" asked Rukia. "I heard others were involved too."

"Well, I think so. It's either him or Kira or Renji. Ikkaku and Yumichika are just along for the ride, I'm pretty sure."

"Heavens, I hope so," gasped Nanao. "Can you imagine dating either one of them?"

A round of laughter filled the big hall, causing Byakuya to return to their table. "Ladies, is something really that amusing to you?"

"Captain Kuchiki," asked Rangiku, forward as usual, "May I ask you a question?"

"I suppose."

"If you were a woman and had to date either Renji Abarai, Izuru Kira or Shuuhei Hisagi, which one would it be?"

"I beg your pardon," started Byakuya, astonished by the question. "I am not a woman; therefore, it is a moot point." He headed off across the room, only to turn back and say, "However, if I were, I would have to choose Hisagi."

"Not Abarai?" Rangiku called after him. She watched as a shudder ran through his body.

* * *

**A/N** (1) Reference to and shameless plug for my stories "Regression" and "Regression Blues," my first and third fan fictions, but they are based on the same story idea. FYI, neither one is canon. I try for canon; I don't always succeed, most notably in the earlier stories. My current Bleach universe, which is slightly different than Tite Kubo's Bleach -- which he owns, by the way -- is grounded in these works, which is the reason for the shameless plugs. Isane and Shuuhei's relationship did not end well and they have been dealing with the repercussions (often in amusing, sometimes heartbreaking, ways) ever since their academy days.


	14. Renji's Little Friends

"Well, can we get in?" Ikkaku rose on tip toes to watch over Hisagi's shoulder as Hisagi was watching Yumichika pick a lock to the wooden back gate of the Kuchiki estate.

"Voila!" crowed Yumichika. "I told you I could do it. Oh, you unbelievers!"

"Quit patting yourself on the back before you break your arm. Let's go." Renji pushed them through the back gate before anyone had a chance to argue.

"Duck!" commanded Hisagi, as a caterer stepped out the back door of the manor house to empty the garbage.

"Where?" Kira craned his neck to see until Hisagi grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him behind a heavy bush with the others.

"Down, you idiot."

"I still didn't see it. I don't see any down either. Are you sure there was a duck, Shuuhei? All I saw was that caterer emptying the garbage."

"Well, at least, he didn't see you." Renji whacked him on the back of the head.

"What the hell was that for?"

"For being blond! We don't want anyone to know we're here, you vanilla pudding head."

"Well, nobody told me that," said an indignant Kira. "You could have at least told me your plan before we broke into this place."

"Plan? What plan?" said Shuuhei, blinking incredulously at him. "When do we ever stop and think about what we're doing? If we did, I wouldn't be doing half of this stuff. Breaking into Kuchiki's? How absurd is that? He's going to have our heads on a platter if he finds out we're here."

"Oh, he'll find out," said Renji. "I plan on it. Yesterday, Rukia said that he's pretty much taken over the bachelorette party and she's not real happy about it, so I figure to make him pay a little."

"You sure you want to do this?" asked Hisagi. "You could get in a lot of trouble, you know."

"Kuchiki and me? He's my captain and I obey his orders, but it's no secret that we don't get along," Renji stated matter-of-factly. "The chance to sneak into his estate and mess with one of his shin-digs is like battling Aizen single-handed - hard, heavy action with just a hint of danger."

"Also stupid, suicidal and completely beyond the realm of reality," agreed Ikkaku, rubbing his hands together with glee. "I love it!"

"A shin-dig at Kuchiki's – what's wrong with this sentence?" Yumichika rolled his eyes. "A soiree, definitely. A ball, possibly. But a shin-dig? What's next? A hootenanny?" He clucked his tongue in disgust.

"Besides, Hisagi," continued Renji. "You can kill two birds with one stone. Number one, 'Cater to the weak.' We knock out the caterers that Kuchiki hired, then we cater the bachelorette party. Women are weak, right?"

"What women do you hang around with? I think your interpretation is a little off."

"I don't mean literally."

"That's good," Shuuhei scoffed, "'cause SoiFon can wipe the floor with you, then wring you out and use you for Oomaeda's sponge bath."

"I mean traditionally, in culture. Maybe it's not true here, but that's what people in the real world believed for years before that women's lip thing happened."

"I think you mean women's lib," corrected Yumichika.

"No, I think he was right the first time," said Ikkaku thoughtfully.

Shuuhei ignored him and returned his attention to the red-head. "You said two birds with one stone?"

"Birds too?" asked Kira. "Geez, I still haven't seen the duck."

Renji slapped him across the back of the head as he spoke, "Easy. Number two. 'Loosen what is tight.' Who's tighter than Kuchiki? He's as tight as they can get and I know just how to loosen him up. Those ladies aren't going to know what hit them."

"None of this is very original," complained Yumichika.

"Maybe not, but it gets two of the tasks done, doesn't it?" asked Renji.

"I suppose, but it's more fun to drag it out for awhile. Make it more of a real quest, you know?"

"A quest needs some danger, right? Messing with Kuchiki? What's more dangerous than that?"

Ikkaku answered, "Messing with Kenpachi."

"Debatable," said Renji dismissively. "This is going to be a blast!"

Hisagi wondered when his friend had become so reckless. "Okay, it's your neck, Abarai, but how are you…"

Shuuhei was interrupted by Ikkaku pointing towards the door. "Look, the garbage guy left the back door open. Let's ride, Cowboys. We got some caterers to round up!" Ikkaku darted through the bushes. Yumichika and Renji followed before Shuuhei could react.

He looked at Kira, "Remind me why we're breaking into Kuchiki's house again."

Kira patted him on his back, "For Nanao, Shuuhei, for your destiny with Nanao."

"I hardly even know the girl."

"Doesn't matter, my friend." Kira picked a fragrant red rose from one of Byakuya's prized rosebushes. "Give her this. She's your destiny, Shuuhei. Embrace it. Now let's go before Ikkaku lifts off the ground from waving his arms so much. And let me know if you see that duck again."

* * *

Within minutes, the caterers of the Rukongai Catering Company were unceremoniously stuffed into a small lockable pantry by the male Shinigami of the Seireitei.

"Okay, everybody take a coat, an apron and one of those funny looking muffin hats," Renji ordered.

"Toque, you unsophisticated baboon," Yumichika corrected.

"Toque, take. Whatever. Everybody take...I mean, toque…just grab a muffin hat."

"It's not a muffin hat. It's called a toque!"

Renji, confused, looked at Yumichika, "Oh, then everybody take a toque."

"We don't do that kind of stuff here," joked Ikkaku, pretending to puff on a celery stalk.

"What?"

Ikkaku slapped his forehead. "You're hopeless. Go join the blond."

Yumichika sang mockingly, "I tawt I taw a puddy tat. Naw, it was just Renji taking a toak in the tub."

His patience at an end, Renji yelled, "Will you put the damn hats on and get with the program? We gotta serve this stuff soon and it ain't ready. Here's a box labeled…what the? What the hell is a 'falla-fell'?" asked Renji.

"It's 'fa-LA-fel,' stupid!" corrected Yumichika.

"It looks awful too," said Renji, peering into the box.

Kira looked around at the organized mess in the kitchen. "I think we should have waited until all of these little sandwiches and appetizer thingies on a stick were put together. Cocktail weenies would be easier to serve."

Ikkaku pushed him out of the way. "But not as much fun. Don't worry. Ikkaku, slicer and dicer extraordinaire will finish the task. Just don't get in the way. You might lose a limb." Pulling out two sharp and deadly blades, Ikkaku's knife skills were lethal to the vegetables and pastries on the counter. "Hooriyah, hooriyah, hooriyah!" he screamed as his arms flailed and veggies flew through the air. (1) The knives whizzed across the counter, chopping and mincing, cubing and filleting. Skewers filled like magic as the noisy display continued.

From his post by the doorway into the banquet hall, Shuuhei could look out at the crowd of women in the next room. He located Nanao and studied her slender back. _My destiny, huh? It might not be too bad at that, _he thought to himself, patting the rose in his pocket. He was roused from his musings by the approach of a man in black. "Hide your faces," hissed Hisagi. "Byakuya's on his way."

All of the men hunched down into their shoulders, staring at the floor, not daring to look up in case Byakuya recognized them and the jig was up.

He sailed through the door, "Caterer, is everything all right here? We can hear some noise."

"Just fine, Sir," said Ikkaku, using a deep baritone voice.

"You're late in serving by two minutes. Your pay will be docked for every minute that this continues. The noise and the delay in serving are both inexcusable. My guests are being inconvenienced. I will speak to your boss and have you all fired. Now, hop to!"

"Yes, Sir," answered Ikkaku, head still bowed.

Hisagi held the door open and Byakuya passed through without a word.

"I held the door for him. He didn't even thank me," he joked.

"You're just a servant to him. Why should he?" said Renji, a slight edge tingeing his voice.

"Man, what a 'tude. I wanted to skewer him… just a little, you know what I mean?" Ikkaku pointed a skewer in front of him and twisted it slowly.

"That was close," said Kira. "Ikkaku, is everything ready?"

"Yeah, let's serve this high class dog food."

"What is it with you and dogs today?" asked Hisagi, looking at his feet.

"Remember, Byakuya's mine," said Renji. "I want to give Rukia and the girls a bachelorette party they won't soon forget."

Trays in hand, toques pulled low over their eyes, four male Shinigami headed out to cater to the weaker sex, although nobody quite believed that.

* * *

As Byakuya Kuchiki gracefully exited the kitchen and returned to his place of importance, Rangiku watched him, lasciviously licking her lips. "I wouldn't mind seeing that stripped down to Underoos."

"Rangiku!" cried Rukia in horror. She scolded her in a hushed voice, "That's my brother you're talking about!"

"Oh, come on, Rukia, only by marriage, and he's a good-looking man, even if he is wound too tight."

"I do get little palpitations when I give him his yearly exam," blushed Unohana.

"Captain!" exclaimed Isane.

"It's all very professional, Isane, but I am a woman too, you know."

"He's out of my league anyway," sighed Rangiku. "Gin was the man for me, I'm afraid."

"A little weenie, Miss?" asked the blond caterer, smiling wickedly and holding a tray in front of her.

"I prefer a big skewer," said Rangiku innocently, pointing towards another tray of food.

"Of course, you would," smiled the second caterer, other wise known as Yumichika, holding the other tray. "Isn't that always the way?"

"Excuse me?" asked a startled Rangiku.

"Nothing, dear, eat your skewer." Yumichika walked away, leaving the tray behind.

"Well, at least, he left the tray," she sighed.

At the other end of the table, Ikkaku and Hisagi went about serving the other ladies. Hisagi had to step in several times when Ikkaku confronted any lady who complained about the food.

"Ungrateful old prunes! You try serving up platters of food in under five minutes and see where it gets you." He pointed a finger at them as Hisagi moved him away.

"We're supposed to be keeping a low profile, remember?"

"Lazy caterers should o' had everything ready when we got there. But no, I had to bust my butt to do their work!" he complained.

"We didn't exactly tell them we were coming. Now will you calm down already? You'll blow our cover." Shuuhei pushed him along.

"Fine, next time, I'm serving fish sticks," grumped Ikkaku, picking up a fresh tray of food.

Renji, meanwhile, was nowhere to be seen, but it didn't mean that he hadn't been busy. Preparations were underway for his captain's surprise. He had been in the garden for a time and had then returned to the kitchen, guarding the jar in his hands zealously. Low to the floor, he crept out of the kitchen, dove under the table at an empty spot, and worked his way to the end of the table near where Byakuya's throne was positioned.

"Ah, my little beauties," he said, "Soon. Soon."

* * *

**A/N **(1) Copy and paste bcollie9./art/Ikkaku-Slicer-and-Dicer-Color-90613389 for DolphinWhisperer's drawing of "Ikkaku, Slicer and Dicer Extraordinaire. IN COLOR! I love this! Sidenote: I can't seem to save the URL correctly, so please add 'deviant art dot com' (no spaces) after 'bcollie9.'


	15. On the Loose

"So tell me more about Hisagi," Nanao asked no one in particular. Her curiosity had been piqued, since she had never had much contact with the man before, other than professionally as vice captains.

"Finger sandwich?" asked the caterer.

"Canapé, Miss?" asked another, trying to hide some obvious scars.

"He's one of the good guys," said Hinamori. "He'd go out of his way to help people, and he's cute too."

"He's a good catch," agreed Rukia.

"And sexy," added Rangiku. "Have you ever noticed how he holds his zanpakutou? It's like a caress. I wouldn't mind trading places with it sometime."

"Did I mention that he's cute?" said Hinamori again.

"Quit grinning, idiot," whispered Ikkaku as he elbowed Hisagi.

"I believe you did, yes. But why does he hang around with those other guys, Kira, Abarai, the fifth seat and the really bald fellow?"

Had she noticed, Nanao would have seen one of the caterers turn beet red, while the other stepped on his foot to hold him back.

"Why you son of a…"

"Doesn't he teach at the academy?" she continued, oblivious to the caterers. "You'd think he could make better friends than that."

"I suppose," mewed Rangiku, "but those guys can hold their liquor better than anyone else I know."

By now, all four caterers were centered on Nanao and her friends, neglecting the bride-to-be and the far ends of the tables.

"What is going on over there, Rukia?" bellowed Byakuya. He stood at his chair. "Caterers, get back to work. I am not paying you to schmooze with the guests."

The caterers didn't move, all except for Hisagi, who reached over and grabbed Nanao's hand. Planting a kiss on the back of it, he then handed her the rose from the garden and winked.

"Hisagi!" she gasped, loud enough for all to hear.

"HISAGI?" roared Byakuya. "What are you…" He never finished his sentence because at that moment, Renji pounced, grabbing his collar and shaking hundreds of red ants down Byakuya's back. Byakuya's face twisted into a look of sheer panic. He tried to reach over his head for his collar, twisting and turning in mad gyrations. Finally, he yanked his kimono off over his head in one swift movement.

"ABARAI!" he yelled, but his voice was drowned out by the stripper music from the boom box Renji had started and the happy ladies chanting, "Take it off! Take it off!"

BOOM CHIKKA WOW WOW.

"Take it off! Take it off!"

BOOM CHIKKA WOW WOW.

He had no choice. By now, the ants had traveled to other regions and if he was to save his skin, it all had to come off. The women in the hall were having a grand time.

"Now THIS is a bachelorette party!" screamed the bride.

"Brother, no! What are you doing?" cried Rukia.

"ANTS! ANTS IN MY PANTS!" (1)

"We're out of the closet now, you hooligans!" came a cry from the kitchen door. In rushed the real caterers, who had finally freed themselves from the locked pantry, and were quickly advancing on them.

"Run!" yelled Ikkaku. "They've got skewers!"

"ABARAI! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"My, the captain's poetic tonight!" laughed Renji as they scrambled out the door in a mad, glorious rush.

* * *

A few minutes later, in the safety of a bar, Renji raised his glass in a toast, "To us!" he said. "The best damn caterers in the Seireitei!"

Glasses clinked and as they were resting and laughing, Hisagi slapped Ikkaku on the back, "'They have skewers,' Ikkaku? Did you forget we have swords?"

"Hell no. It was just more fun that way."

"Renji, you're dead meat," Kira commented.

"Yea, I know, but that's one party those ladies are never going to forget. I think I'll frame my muffin hat as a keepsake. I want to remember the sight of Byakuya reduced to his skivvies for a long, long time."

"It's a toque," Yumichika heaved a sigh of exasperation.

"That's why I'm calling it my toque-en."

* * *

At least one person inside the party was not watching Byakuya's impromptu strip tease. Nanao sniffed the delicate rose in her hand. "How intriguing," she said to no one in particular. "I may have to play along."

* * *

**A/N** (1) Here's another copy and paste for "Ants in My Pants" in color, thanks to DolphinWhisperer. bcollie9./art/Ants-in-my-Pants-Colored-90691904 Again, it will not save properly so please add deviant art dot com (no spaces) after bcollie9.

I'm plugging her first fanfiction called "Bleached Ice" about a hockey game between Ichigo's real worlder team and Renji's Shingami team because she has done so much for me. What a gal!


	16. Yama and the Hatless Man

**A/N Once again, I want to thank all of you who have responded so warmly to this story! ;o) The only Bleach I own is in my laundry room and it holds little resemblance to the anime. Thank you, Mr. Kubo, for your killer imagination.**

* * *

"Oy, Shunsui, breaking the rules again, I see." Through the open door of the eighth division office came two very distinguished looking gentlemen, the captain general with his wooden staff and his vice captain Chojirou Sasakibe, carrying several bags.

"Old man Yama, Lieutenant Sasakibe, to what do I owe the honor of your presence in my humble office?" Shunsui greeted the two with a quick hand shake. To see Yama-Jii in someone else's office was a true occasion. Because of the protocol of his position, he generally summoned those he desired to see to his own office, including his two oldest students. The rare visit aroused Shunsui's curiosity. He cast an eye towards Ukitake who sat cross-legged in a chair off to one side. Ukitake shrugged his shoulders.

"The question, Shunsui, is what honor do you bestow upon me as the victim of your prank?" asked Yama-Jii. "It's not the first of April, nor is it my day of birth, yet still you sic the younger Shinigami on me in an attempt to embarrass your captain general."

"I don't understand, Yama-Jii, I am innocent of these charges," protested Shunsui. He struck a bold pose. "If I am guilty of anything, it is being an inspiration to the over-enthusiastic spirits of younger Shinigami. I'm only conducting training exercises."

The old man poked him with his staff. "Do you think that I am so feeble-minded that I can't remember the goose chase I sent you on when you were not much older than these fools? I had you chasing after your tail for days in a fruitless search for the legendary 'nymph of the woodlands.'"

"Ah, I remember it too well, Yama-Jii. The disappointment of discovering that she was a tall tale from the imagination of a sadistic master like you still makes me sad."

"Hmph! What impossible task do you have these Shinigami fools running around for? They stole into my apartment and absconded with the leather strap for my beard while I was in the shower. I blamed Sasakibe. It was he who led me in this direction." Sasakibe smiled smugly behind Yama-Jii's back. The old man swiped his staff backwards and the smile disappeared.

"I thought you looked different," said Shunsui, noticing for the first time the six different colored scrunchies spaced out evenly all of the way down Yama-Jii's beard.

"It is a Shinigami's duty to be observant of all things, Shunsui. Little Hinamori gave these to me." He fingered the multi-colored scrunchies. "I rather like them. Lieutenant Sasakibe spent a lot of time placing them just so. He braided every other section. Do you see?"

He held out his beard. Indeed, three sections of his beard were braided into an intricate weave with two sections and the end combed straight. Settling into a deep chair, he said, "You still have not told me what you are up to, Shunsui. Do you know, Jushiro?"

"Fortune cookie, Old Man Yama?" Hoping to detract Yama-Jii from questioning his friend, Shunsui held out the bowl of broken fortune cookies, by now a bit stale.

"Why are they all broken?" asked the bearded man, rather perturbed. "You serve me broken fortune cookies with no fortunes? What is a fortune cookie without the fortune? It is just a cookie! What is a man without a hat? He is just a hatless man! Give the man a hat and he will have a hat on his head. Give a man a fortune cookie and he will have fortune."

"Unless he sits on the hat, Yama-Jii. Then it's as broken as the fortune cookie."

"Don't get smart with me, boy," growled the old man.

"The fortunes are right here, Yama-Jii." Shunsui pointed to the slips of fortunes in a separate bowl.

"Why are the fortunes in a bowl? Were you looking for one you liked? A man cannot choose his fortune any more than he can choose his elbow."

"Yes, Yama-Jii, I understand," said Shunsui politely, "but you see, there is a reason that the fortunes are in a bowl…"

"A fortune in a bowl is like a hat in a puddle. It is no longer on the head where it belongs, but in a puddle of despair, longing for that head. A fortune in a bowl longs for the cookie from which it was broken. The bowl longs for the pudding that it once held."

"I'm sorry, Master; I didn't know that you were so passionate about fortune cookies…and hats." He looked at Jushiro, bewildered. How was he to know that the old man liked his fortunes in the cookies?

"I'm not," replied Yamamoto, "but people never interrupt me because I'm old and powerful and therefore, respected. People believe that they should listen to me because I might have a smidgen of wisdom to impart before I leave this world behind. They tolerate my babblings because of my position and my age, but I tolerate them because they tolerate me and do not interrupt. So I can say whatever I please and I can talk as long as I please about whatever I please. And I do. Do you have the pudding that went in that bowl?"

"I'm afraid not, Yama-Jii."

"Ah, well, then hand me a fortune, Shunsui, to go with my broken cookie."

Sasakibe took the bowl of fortunes from Shunsui and passed it to his captain. "Take one, all of you. Let's see what Lady Fortune has in store for us all. Oh, my," he read, delighted. "It seems that I am in for a good time if I 'play by someone else's rules.' Who's next? Jushiro?"

Ukitake took a fortune and read, "'A wise man asks for bigger and better things.' I'll have to remember that if I'm ever in a position to ask for anything."

"Sasakibe? What does yours say?"

The lieutenant's eyes lit up as he read his fortune. "'The wise man waits for shining things to come.'" Visions of Ikkaku danced through his head.

"And Shunsui, what does your fortune tell you?" asked the old man, eyeing Shunsui through his bushy brows.

"Well, let's see. It says 'a wise man tinkers not with the affairs of the heart.'"

"Ah, good advice." The old man clasped his hands in his lap and adjusted his position in his chair, settling in for a long time. "Now, Shunsui, what have you been up to with my Shinigami?"

"It's nothing really, Yama-Jii. Nanao and I have been on the outs of late."

"You don't want to lose that one. She's very dedicated."

"Yes, I know. We've been together for a very long time, so in order to make her happy, since that is what I care about the most, I'm setting her up with a suitable beau so that she can date and have a personal life."

"That's very thoughtful of you, Shunsui. What's the catch?"

"The catch, Yama-Jii? You wound me."

"And I know you too well; I know that you have an ulterior motive. You are not the selfless twit that you present yourself to be."

"Again you wound me, Old Man Yama." Shunsui put a hand to his breast. "But you're right, of course. Nanao needs to learn to appreciate what she and I have together as Captain and Vice-Captain."

"And what does this have to do with the other Shinigami?"

"You could say that I'm doing them a favor," he explained. "They're bored, Yama. They need something to do, so I've given them a quest, a training session of sorts. The broken fortune cookies that you see yielded some vague adages, trite sayings if you will, that I've turned into tasks that have no true meanings, but can be accomplished quite easily in order to win Nanao's hand."

"Tasks, you say? And who is your target in this nefarious act?"

"Lieutenant Shuuhei Hisagi."

"They will make lovely babies. I approve!" nodded the old man, turning to Sasakibe and giving him a thumbs up.

"No, no babies, Yama-Jii! That's not the point!" said a horrified Shunsui, his heart racing at the thought. "He'll complete the quest, date her and then dump her. That's the plan. No babies. Heavens, no babies!" He wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"Perhaps the heavens have other ideas," said the old man calmly. "Your fortune was most prophetic, don't you think? And Lieutenant Ise approves of your plan?"

"Of course not. She has no idea. This is training, Yama-Jii, merely training."

"I'll allow you that delusion," said the old man.

Ukitake added, "It's proving to be rather amusing, if I do say so myself."

"Yes, and I was rather amused to step from my shower and discover that my beard wrap was missing. Thank the heavens for Miss Hinamori and her scrunchies. I may have to promote her to captain of the eighth should a spot suddenly become available due to misconduct on the part of a certain captain. I have heard from others that your Shinigami are running amok, ruining beauty pageants and the like. Byakuya Kuchiki came to me and complained about your protégés. It seems they crashed a party at his estate, served little wieners on a stick to his guests and transplanted creatures from his garden onto his person causing him to bare himself in front of his guests. I have allowed him a free hand in the disciplining of one Renji Abarai. As for the others, Shunsui, you are responsible for their actions. Do you understand?"

"Of course, Yama-Jii." Shunsui bowed slightly to the old man.

"The consequences are yours to pay, if your scheme runs afoul. And you, Jushiro, you are part of this too?"

"I'm merely an innocent bystander, Yama-Jii."

"Then you are as foolish as him." He pointed to Shunsui with his staff, then to Ukitake. "You are leading this fool-hardy adventure, and you are following blindly."

"I do not follow blindly," protested Ukitake. "I have no part in this."

"Perhaps not, but because you are off to the side, you do not see clearly where this path may lead and therefore, you believe you can abdicate responsibility as a friend."

"I abdicate nothing. I warned Shunsui…"

Yama-Jii waved him off with a hand. "And when will this quest of yours be over?"

"Soon, I would think. There were only seven tasks. 'Cater to the weak,' 'play where you work,' 'wrestle inner' something or others...Silly thing really, Yama-Jii," assured Shunsui.

"I think it was 'work where you play,' Shunsui," corrected Ukitake.

"'Work where you play,' 'play where you work,' what does it matter?" he said with a shrug. "Things like 'loosen what is tight' take no more effort than changing a light bulb, so I can't see the tasks taking too much longer. They'll be reporting to me soon, and then the romance can begin."

"Fine. I wish to be here then to watch. Sasakibe has brought sleeping mats and clothing changes. We will make the most of our waiting time. Do you have that delicacy from the real world known as caramel pop corn? I should like some of that while I wait."

"Certainly, Yama-Jii." Shunsui turned to Ukitake and motioned for him to follow, "Jushiro, can you help me find it in the kitchen? Nanao would know exactly where it was, but she isn't here and I might need some help."

The two men left Yama-Jii and retired to the kitchen as Sasakibe began to pull out the sleeping mats.

* * *

Once in the kitchen, Ukitake was the first to speak. "Well?"

"Well, what?" asked Shunsui, rummaging through the cabinets.

"Are you prepared to have Yama-Jii stay here until your wayward adventurers return from their quest?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"He's not leaving, you know. They've got sleeping mats."

"I'm aware of that," Shunsui grunted angrily. "He's camping out in my office and spoiling my fun, Jushiro. Plus, he wants Nanao and Hisagi to have babies. Over my dead body!"

"'A wise man tinkers not with the affairs of the heart,' Shunsui," chuckled Ukitake. "Seems like your fortune might be biting you in the behind."

"Shut up and find the caramel corn before they light a campfire on my desk."


	17. Hisagi on a Chip

**A/N First chapter in the two part Sleepover. Next chapter will be up in a day or two.**

* * *

"Thank you for having us over on such short notice, Isane," said Nanao.

"Oh, my pleasure, Nanao. There was no sense in canceling the party after we got kicked out of the tenth."

The slumber party that the Shinigami Women's Association was having had been planned for the night after the bachelorette party, since the women liked to rehash the latest gossip and events, and there was certainly a lot to talk about after last night.

In attendance were Nanao in a simple nightshirt with shorts, Isane in men's style pajama top and bottoms, Rangiku in a flowing pink peignoir, SoiFon in boxer shorts and a tank top, Kiyone in pajama pants and tee shirt, Momo in a long flannel nightgown and Yachiru who was curled up in a corner sound asleep in footed bunny pajamas.

Captain Unohana had been asked to attend, but declined due to the fact that she was the one treating Byakuya after his unfortunate encounter with red ants.

Rukia had also been asked to attend, but in light of recent events, Byakuya felt it undignified for her to attend since he was sure that he would be the main topic of conversation.

Nemu, a regular in the club, had not been allowed to attend either the bachelorette party or the sleep-over by Captain Kurotsuchi, who felt that both were too frivolous and might expose her to negative influences. To him, the biggest negative influence was named Rangiku, whose overflowing mouth had convinced Nemu that hair coloring was a necessity of life. Nemu had dyed her hair a different hair color every day for a month. She had been mint green and purple stripes recently, and while it went well with her coloring, Kurotsuchi kept demanding that she return to her original shade. Unfortunately, the frequent colorings had made her own hair begin to fall out and when she asked for his assistance to restore it, the captain took an inordinate amount of pleasure in individually implanting each new hair himself. Because of that, keeping Nemu away from Rangiku became a top priority in his mind. Nemu on the other hand, couldn't wait to try the other thing Rangiku had introduced her to called a Brazilian.

"Besides," said Isane, "I don't sleep very well anyway, so if I'm going to stay awake at home, I might as well do it with friends."

"Well, for my part, I wish we could have stayed at the tenth. It would have been much easier for me," said Rangiku, "but the captain seemed really upset when he walked out of the shower and saw us there in our jammies."

"Didn't he look adorable in that towel?" gushed Momo. "He's so adorable; I just want to pinch his cheeks sometimes, he's so adorable."

"I can't imagine any male wanting to be called 'adorable' when all he's wearing is a towel," said SoiFon.

"I hope you don't get into trouble, Ran," said Nanao. "Hitsugaya looked like he was about ready to go through the roof."

"He always looks like that, so I'm not worried about it. I know how to handle the captain. I'll let him yell at me for a little while, then shuffle some papers around to make it look like I'm working. When he's calmed down, I'll bring him some hot chocolate and then he'll find something else to yell at me about. I don't pay much attention to him. And really, I don't see what the big deal is anyway. I always sleep in the office, so why can't I have a slumber party there?"

"Perhaps he felt it was inappropriate," said Nanao, setting out bowls of snacks.

"Maybe he's angry because he wasn't invited," suggested Kiyone, sitting cross-legged on her sleeping bag.

"I would have invited him, but I don't think he has a frilly nightie to wear," laughed Rangiku.

"He could have borrowed one from me," said Momo seriously.

SoiFon glanced in her direction, then remarked, "Perhaps he has a stick up his ass. I've always thought he was an uptight little twerp," she snorted.

"That's not fair, SoiFon," said Rangiku, tossing popcorn at the second division captain. "The captain has a lot on his mind right now."

"Then that makes one of him," answered SoiFon, opening her mouth to catch the popcorn as Rangiku threw it. "This place is as dull as dust. There's nothing going on around here, so how could he have things on his mind unless he's creating things to worry about?"

"No, that would be _my_ captain creating things for _me_ to worry about," laughed Nanao, taking a chip from the bowl, "although if he had crashed our slumber party wearing nothing but a towel, he would have insisted on staying."

"No double dipping," proclaimed Momo, as Nanao reached for the chip dip, "and definitely not adorable like 'Shiro."

Rangiku replied, "Depends on if you like your men fresh from the vine or aged to perfection, Momo."

"Kind of like little 'Shiro being a grape to Kyouraku's raisin? Or plum to his prune? I get it. 'Shiro's not wrinkly enough for you."

"That's not what I…oh, never mind. You're as big a pain as he is," sighed Rangiku as Isane brought out a bottle of wine. "Thank goodness."

Isane set the wine and a tray of medical specimen cups on an end table and popped the cork. "Wine?" she offered. "Sorry about the cups. I don't have any wine glasses and my other cups are dirty. I wasn't expecting company."

"Just give me mine in an IV drip and I'll be fine," laughed Rangiku.

"Frankly, I heard what you said," stated Isane as she poured the wine, "I don't think you're being fair. Captains Hitsugaya and Kyouraku are both very capable people."

"I agree," said Nanao. "My captain is extremely capable…when he wants to be. He's exceptionally strong and experienced and I can only hope that one day, I will be in the same league as him and Captain Ukitake. It's the personal habits that drive me crazy."

"Well, at least, your captain doesn't snoop or borrow things without asking," said Rangiku, slathering her legs in cream that she had found on Isane's night stand. "I left a pen on his desk and he used it."

"That's not so terrible."

"It was leaky and he blamed me for not telling him about it. If he hadn't borrowed it in the first place, he never would have had to redo all of that paperwork. He made me clean the ink off his desk! Can you imagine?"

"The pen was on his desk," SoiFon pointed out. "I claim anything that lands on my desk as mine. Oomaeda knows not to put food on my desk because he doesn't get it back."

"A little less food won't hurt Oomaeda. Can't you do something about his nose picking, SoiFon? It's disgusting."

"Men! Their personal habits are repulsive." SoiFon looked as if she had sucked on a lemon.

"It's not just men," said Isane. "Captain Unohana passes gas." She reached for the cream in Matsumoto's hand, screwed on the lid and slipped it into her pocket.

"What? And here I thought she was so ladylike," said SoiFon sarcastically.

"I've followed her across a room and she just put-put-puts her way along." Isane made a face. "But don't say anything. She'd be mortified if she knew that I'd told you."

"Everybody does that from time to time," said Rangiku. "We're all people, you know."

"Yes," said Isane, "but hers are the silent type. You never know when they're coming."

"Too much information, Isane!" protested Kiyone.

"Oh, that's right. Your captain's perfect. I forgot," shot back Isane.

"He is," argued Kiyone. "Captain Ukitake is the kindest, wisest, smartest, nicest, strongest…"

"Everybody bow down to the mighty Ukitake shrine that will be built any second now," sneered SoiFon, looking up from the magazine she was perusing.

Isane sipped her wine. "I agree with SoiFon. He can't be that perfect."

"His biggest flaw is that he hangs around with my captain," said Nanao jokingly. "Better watch it, Kiyone; the womanizing might rub off on him."

"Don't be silly," said Kiyone, miffed by the lack of respect for her precious captain.

"Relax, Kiyone," assured SoiFon, flipping a page. "We all like Captain Ukitake, but you make him sound like a saint. Take it from me, there's not a saint around this place. Working in the Secret Mobile Forces and the second division, I know things. For instance, Lieutenant Sasakibe isn't the man everyone thinks he is."

"I could have told you that," laughed Nanao. "He still owes me a ceremonial kimono."

Yachiru turned over in her sleep, mumbling, "Wing Hair kisses frogs…"

"I forgot about the experiment in fatherhood," said SoiFon. "About twenty years ago, wasn't it?"

"…and boys…"

"Yes," agreed Nanao, glancing at slumbering Yachiru in the corner, "another one of my captain's attempts to run my life. And now this Hisagi thing! He's doing it again!"

"Speaking of Hisagi, wasn't that party great?" raved Rangiku, leaning back on an overstuffed ottoman.

"I doubt that Captain Kuchiki would agree with you," said Nanao.

"Did you see his tight buns?" squeed Rangiku, closing her eyes and conjuring in her mind a vision of the man without any…

"Did you see his inflammation?" Isane interrupted her day dream.

"Inflam…? Oh, you mean the ant bites," said Rangiku. "I thought you meant something else."

"Only someone in Division 4 would notice those first, sister," Kiyone teased. "Come on, Momo. Let's send out some prank hell butterflies."

While the rest talked, Kiyone and Momo huddled together.

"We could prank Toshiro and tell him that he's needed in the cafeteria to make ice cubes," Momo giggled.

"How about Sentarou?" said Kiyone. "He and I are always fighting to see who's going to become the vice captain. Let's tell him that Captain Ukitake has decided to make me second and that he's going to replace Sentarou with a howler monkey."

Ignoring the two as they plotted, Nanao said, "That whole party was a disaster. It was a disaster when Captain Kuchiki plowed over Rukia, then it was an even worse disaster when those Shinigami idiots bulldozed him."

"Yea, but wasn't it fun?" asked Rangiku. "The bride-to-be had a wonderful time snapping pictures. She's going to give me reprints."

"Those pictures will never see the light of day," said SoiFon. "The camera's already been confiscated, and the pictures themselves will be held in evidence."

"Oh, no," said Rangiku. "I wanted to redecorate the office with them."

"Hitsugaya would love that!" laughed Nanao.

"I hold the only copies," said SoiFon, "but as witnesses to an ongoing investigation, you might need to refresh your memories with the evidence. Official business only, of course."

"Of course," agreed Rangiku. "Strictly business, on my honor as a sober member of society."

"I must admit that I enjoyed myself at that party," Isane said.

Rangiku giggled. "Who knew Kuchiki could loosen up and dance like that, huh?"

"Well if you had red ants in your pants, I'm sure you'd be dancing all over the place too," said Nanao. "I still can't believe what they did to that poor man."

"Want to see the evidence again?" laughed SoiFon.

Nanao swatted her with a pillow. "What were they thinking?"

"I'd say at least one of them was thinking about you from that rose and the romantic kiss on the hand," remarked Rangiku. "Lucky girl."

"Lucky my right foot," the girl protested. "What I want to know is why the captain is fixing me up with him. I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, and I want to strangle someone…" Nanao wrapped her hands around the pillow, strangling it while envisioning a pink kimono-ed captain in her mind.

"My favorite pillow!" Isane whimpered as she grabbed it away from her.

With the pillow now safely back in Isane's hands, Nanao complained, "He's the most aggravating man I know!"

"Momo and I can send a hell butterfly and tell him you've resigned in order to pursue a new career as a librarian," offered Kiyone.

"Or an exterminator, and you're coming for him first," added Momo.

"That's very appealing, but I don't think so," replied Nanao with a smile.

"We could send one to Hisagi and tell him that he has to go jump in a lake," giggled Kiyone.

"No, I don't doubt that he'd do it," sighed Nanao, "but then I'd feel bad and would have to go fish him out. I don't understand how one man can turn my world upside down."

"Well, he is a catch, Nanao." Rangiku patted her on the leg. "And he does have his sights set on you. Manicure?" she asked, reaching into Isane's beauty case for a nail file.

"What? No, I mean the captain, not Hisagi! The captain's taken my life and twisted it into a bizarre knot for his own enjoyment. He enjoys playing with my head. He enjoys ordering me around. He enjoys being a jerk who thinks he has the ultimate say in my life just because I'm his vice captain. Do you know what will happen when this little passion play of his concludes?"

"No," answered Ran. "A pedicure?"

"Huh? No. He'll treat me exactly the same as before. I think he's expecting this Hisagi thing not to work out or to work out just long enough for him to get me out of his hair for awhile. Then when it falls apart, I think he's expecting me to come back with my tail between my legs. And I'd still be under his thumb, just like before, the only difference being that he will have gotten immense pleasures from watching me fall for his scheme." She crammed a handful of peanuts into her mouth.

"So what? Shunsui gets a little satisfaction and you get him off your back."

"I'd rather have a nice vacation where I can go someplace quiet, be alone, and read a book."

"So vacation with Hisagi instead. He's a great guy, Nanao. I think you two would be cute together," gushed Rangiku. "Facial?"

"Cute? CUTE? So you're saying that it's okay for my captain to set me up with someone I hardly ever speak to, just because we'd look cute together?"

"Well, I never said that, but I do know Shuuhei better than you do and I think it would be a good match." Dipping her fingers into a jar of Sarah Tay Avocado Facial Mud, she scooped some out and spread it across Nanao's cheeks and forehead. "This avocado facial mud is edible. Have a taste." (1)

"Ummm, not bad," said Nanao as she licked Rangiku's finger.

"Let me try," asked Momo. "I wonder what would it be like on a chip?"

"Is that my facial mud you're eating?" asked Isane.

"Number Face on a chip…" mumbled Yachiru sleepily. "Yum yum."

* * *

**A/N** Hold onto your hat – here comes another shameless plug.

(1) Sarah Tay at the Seireitei


	18. Finding Nemo, the Perfect Man

**A/N This is the second part of the sleepover. Some of the dialogue refers back to the first part (Ch. 17), especially towards the end. To get all the jokes and references, 17 and 18 should probably be read together. I write in long segments, so I've been splitting them into chapters. (That may have to change because this is turning out to be a reeeeeeally long story.) Thank you once again for reading! I get tremendous joy from your comments! Enjoy! New task on the horizon…**

* * *

"Personally, Nanao, I think the best revenge on your captain is to enjoy every second with Shuuhei. Maybe even fall in love a little." Isane smiled shyly. "He gave you a beautiful rose and kissed your hand. How often does that happen to you because it doesn't happen to me very often."

"Well, her captain is Kyouraku, so it just might be everyday, Isane," said SoiFon. "The perv."

"Yes, but he's my perv and I can handle him. I don't know what to do about this Hisagi thing. I'm really confused," confessed Nanao. "Hisagi could have said no when the captain asked him to do this. I say no to my captain all the time."

"From what he told me, I don't think Shuuhei had much choice," Rangiku said, sticking Nanao's fingers in a bowl of warm water.

"He's being forced to go out with me. That's real good for my ego."

Picking up one of Isane's favorite emery boards and taking a swipe at her nails, Rangiku continued, "Besides, when was the last time you said no to someone else's captain? It's not as simple as you're making it out to be.

"I suppose you have a point, Ran. But why Hisagi? Wouldn't someone else have been a better match?"

SoiFon's eyes glittered as a wicked smile crept onto her face. "I can set you up with my vice captain Oomaeda," she offered. The collective groan around the room said it all. "What? He knows where all the good restaurants are!"

"No thank you!" said Nanao vehemently. "I'll stick with Hisagi, but he has some strange friends and an even stranger tattoo."

"Maybe you'd like the Twelfth Division to build you the perfect man," scoffed SoiFon, "just the way Kurotsuchi built the perfect woman in Nemu."

Hinamori sighed, "Strong, polite, always putting your needs first. Since she's Nemu, they could call him Nemo."

"Where can I find a man like that?" asked Kiyone dreamily.

"Nanao, you're just trying to find excuses to get out of dating Shuuhei," said Rangiku, as she began to file Nanao's nails a little too roughly.

"Get out of it? He hasn't even asked me yet! Ow! Take it easy."

"He'll ask. Why else do you think he's doing whatever it is that Kyouraku is telling him to do?"

"If it's not duress, blackmail or sadistic pleasure, then I don't have a clue."

They sat in silence for a minute, with Rangiku vigorously attacking Nanao's fingernails, and Isane and SoiFon examining the models in the latest Seireitei Times catalog.

"Needs some muscle. He'd never make it in my squad."

"Oh, that poor girl is so thin. Her mother must worry about her so."

"Oomaeda'd fatten her up in no time."

Slightly away from everyone else, Momo and Kiyone huddled together, conspiring. "We could send a prank hell butterfly to Old Man Yamamoto and tell him there's a tax on scrunchies and to pay up."

"Do you think he's cute?" asked Rangiku.

"Gross," said Momo loudly, "he's an old man."

"I was talking to Nanao and I meant Shuuhei!"

"Oh, sorry." She went back to planning out crank hell butterflies with Kiyone. She giggled quietly, "We could send one to her saying they've recalled her boobs."

Rangiku shook her head and asked Nanao again, "Do you think he's cute?"

"Well, I do kind of like his scars. They add a lot of character to his face, but that number! What is that about?"

"Do you want the good answer," asked Rangiku, "or do you want the real answer?"

"The real one."

"Maybe he'll tell you someday if you ever allow yourself to get that close to him. He takes a lot of ribbing about that tattoo, Nanao, but he's very proud of it. It's why he became a Shinigami."

"How do you know?"

"He told me on one of those drunken nights after the Aizen desertion. When Tousen left, he was feeling so betrayed and low that I made sure he got good and drunk. He told me a lot of things that night, like how and why he got the tattoo. I've never forgotten it, but I don't think he remembers telling me."

"I'm glad you were there for him, but that's another thing!" protested Nanao. "I have a captain who drinks all of the time. Why would I want a boyfriend who does it too?"

"Boyfriend? Could it be that you're finally coming around to the potential?" teased Isane.

"That's not what I meant…I don't think…I mean…oh, shut up."

Matsumoto squeezed Nanao's hand. "Don't worry about Shuuhei. Sure he drinks, but not all of the time and not on duty. He only gets hammered when he's worried about something or when he's around me." Rangiku chuckled, "I tend to be a bad influence. Sometimes a little artery varnish is just the thing to get you through the night," she winked, holding up her cup of wine.

"That reminds me, Rangiku, did you and Hisagi get drunk a few nights ago?" asked Isane.

"No, Isane, why?"

"Well, then he sure must have been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders the other night because he was sloshed. Kira and Abarai brought him in to the fourth for a quick sober-up, so I fixed a tonic for him."

"Did it work?"

"Oh sure, but I don't think he'll want to use it again for awhile. Seems I left out the flavoring that disguises the vile taste of the herbs and minerals." She lowered her head and said quietly, "I might have a few anger issues left from when we dated." (1)

"And you think he and I are a good match, Isane? Well, I hope you don't have anger issues towards me."

"Oh, no, Nanao. Never!" Isane grabbed the hand that Rangiku had just put polish on. "You and I are BFFs and don't you forget it."

"Never! Except I have no idea what you just said."

"Best friends forever, silly. I got that from one of Kiyone's teen Soul Reaper magazines. You know, the ones with the bare-chested Shinigami boys on the cover?"

Nanao reclaimed her hand and examined the damage. "Can't say that I do."

"They give all kinds of advice about what to do if your BFF likes your XBF and stuff like that." She stopped to gather her thoughts. "Anyway, don't let my issues keep you from dating him. I know what he's like…a lot like you, actually…and even though we had our problems, they came about because he was trying to do the right thing, misguided though it was. Is that my expensive roseberry red polish?" (2)

"Plus, he's easy on the eyes," added Momo from where she and Kiyone were now listening to the conversation. "Everybody who thinks Hisagi's good-looking, raise your hand." Every hand in the room went up, except for Nanao's and Yachiru's. Still sound asleep, Yachiru rolled onto her tummy and stuck her butt in the air instead.

"I'm not sure," Nanao hedged.

"Sure, you are. You said you liked his scars earlier. You just don't want to admit it." Rangiku threw a pillow at her, which Isane quickly snatched out of her hands.

"Even I think he's a pleasure to look at," said SoiFon, "for a man."

"And he's a good kisser," added Isane.

"Ooo, Isane," teased Rangiku.

"What? We dated in Shinigami school." She shrugged her shoulders. "So we kissed. It was sweet."

In her sleep, Yachiru smacked her lips. "Mmmm, cookies," she said dreamily.

"So romantic," said Kiyone, gazing absently into the distance. "What I wouldn't do to have someone give me a rose in such a romantic way."

Isane observed her sister carefully, "So tell him."

"Tell who?" asked Kiyone.

"Sentarou. You know you want to."

"Eww, howler monkey, yuck!" The two sisters bickered with each other for a few minutes while the others looked on in amusement.

Finally, SoiFon stood up and brushed the popcorn off her pajamas. "Alright, I've had enough of this romantic nonsense. Nanao cannot date Hisagi."

"SoiFon," exclaimed Rangiku, "Why would you say that?"

"Because he's being led around by the nose, that's why! No will power, no self-control, no discipline."

Rangiku objected vehemently. "Hisagi is the most disciplined man I know, SoiFon. He's just like Nanao."

"He's not just like Nanao. He's a man."

"He's a good man, a hard worker. He has his eye on becoming a captain, so don't tell me he's not good dating material," argued the blond. "Sure he lets loose now and again, but it wouldn't hurt Nanao to let her hair down once in awhile too."

"He'll ruin her. Nanao doesn't need some man gumming up her brain with fancy words and silly little flowers," bickered SoiFon.

"Hisagi is perfect for her, SoiFon. Romantic gestures aren't going to gum up her brain," Rangiku said. "Every woman needs a bit of romance and I say if Hisagi wants to romance Nanao, then she should let him."

"He's a man. The best man is a woman with cahones, and that's what you are, Nanao. You're a woman with big cahones. You're not afraid of your captain and you can intimidate any man who comes near you, so don't let Hisagi bully you into anything you don't want. Stand tough, Nanao. Don't listen to Matsumoto."

"Why shouldn't she?" huffed Rangiku. "I'm experienced in the ways of men and I have a lot of advice to give."

"You're also a taker, Matsumoto. You take what you can get, whether it belongs to you or not."

"I resent that! I most certainly do not!" railed Rangiku, through Isane's green facial mud. "Well, at least I'm interested in romance, unlike a certain captain of the second that I know."

"I'm interested in romance, just not with any of the stupid, ignorant men around here…"

"Stinger Lady likes kitty cats," yawned Yachiru in her sleep.

SoiFon's hands reached out to throttle her, but then drew back. "…Oh, go bite a baldy, you pink-haired dwarf! All I'm saying is Nanao deserves better than being stuck with a womanizer like Hisagi."

"He's not a womanizer, and leave Yachiru alone," protested Isane. "It's the women who are Hisagi-izers. They throw themselves at him. They're disgusting. I know for a fact that Shuuhei hasn't given his heart away to anyone since Shinigami school."

"I beg to differ," said Rangiku. "He has a crush on me; I know that for a fact." (3)

"He likes you, Ran, because you throw your assets in his face, but he's not in love with you. There's a difference."

"STOP IT! ALL OF YOU!" Nanao looked around at her friends. "I appreciate all that you're saying, but it's my decision. Besides, he's not in love with me either, Isane."

"But he could be, Nanao," said Isane, looking her friend in the eyes. "I can see the two of you together for a long time. It's in the tea leaves, or it would be if we had tea. Give him a chance, won't you?" Matsumoto nodded her head as SoiFon threw her arms up. "Whatever."

"This is all speculation," protested Nanao. "He hasn't said anything to me about a date. He may never ask and then I'd be wondering what went wrong. But I do know that I can't let my captain get away with selling my soul to the highest bidder."

"From what I heard, he gave you away for free," snickered SoiFon.

"Oh, that man," fumed Nanao. "I think I'm going to stop thinking about it. It's giving me a headache."

"What are you going to do about him, Nanao?"

"Him who? Hisagi or the captain? I have no ideas about either one. I need to sleep on it. Good night, girls." She rolled over on her mat and closed her eyes.

"That's a good idea, really. Good night, Nanao," said Isane with a yawn. She was about to ask if anyone had seen her sleep mask until she looked at Rangiku. "Oh, well."

"Tomorrow then," said SoiFon.

As the women retired one by one, silence draped the room except for an occasional giggle. Kiyone whispered to Momo, "Let's send Hanatarou one that says he has a secret admirer, and we'll sign it R.K."

"Rukia will kill us."

"And you had better hope," announced SoiFon, "that none of those hell butterflies found their way out of this room."

"Oops."

As silence fell once again, heavy footsteps were heard approaching on the wooden walkway. White spiky hair, lit by the moonlight, bounced along outside of Isane's open window. An angry voice muttered, "Why can't they just fix that blasted ice machine once and for all?"

Half an hour later, a big brown eye popped open, followed by the other one. The moon was high in the sky, but the pink haired dwarf was awake. "Boobies, Tall Lady, Stinger Lady, Scary Glasses, Hina-Bun (4), Dum-dum, why is everyone asleep? Wake up, you lazies! It's time to start the slumber party." Yachiru found herself buried under a pile of pillows. "WHEE!"

* * *

**A/N** Oh, c'mon. You've read this far, so you should know that these are shameless plugs. ;o) Thanks for putting up with them...again.

(1) _Regression Blues_

(2) _Regression Blues_

(3) _Meeting Wet Willie_ and Omake chapter 255-256 (I think)

(4) Thanks to DolphinWhisperer for letting me borrow "Hina-Bun" from her story _Bleached Ice_


	19. The Wrath of the Blond

**A/N First of three chapters dealing with the next task. One more task after this one, and then we'll see if Hisagi is worthy of Nanao. I still do not own Bleach. Tite Kubo will not return my calls. Thank you to my readers. I apologize if I haven't responded personally to your reviews. Believe me, they mean alot! You are what keeps me writing! ;o)**

* * *

"'Work where you play.' What the heck is that supposed to mean?" asked Hisagi to the other four men gathered in his office. Ikkaku had sarcastically called the ninth office 'nice digs, for a funeral.'

Yumichika had been a little blunter about the décor. "It looks like it was decorated by a blind man, Hisagi. You need to put your personal touch in this space or at least let me put mine."

"Thanks for the reminder, Yumichika. I did remove some of Tousen's personal stuff, not that there was much of it, but that's all I've done so far."

"Personal stuff?" asked Ikkaku. "Like what? His collection of sunglasses, his white go-go boots and his Braille copy of _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Skewering Your Friends and Co-Workers_?"

"What's with you and the skewering? Lay off, will ya? Besides, I used the boots for target practice. For your information, I'm not doing anything to this office until it's officially mine…if that ever happens. If Yama-Jii finds out what we've been doing, we may get busted down to cleaning toilets for the fourth."

"Relax, Shu-Face," said Ikkaku, using one of his favorite nicknames. "The old man don't know nothin' about what goes on around this place. If he did, he'd have called us on it already, since he was the first victim. He's old. He probably figures he misplaced his beard thingy-ma-bob. We'll replace it after this is all over, and he'll never know."

"Ikkaku's right, Shuuhei," said Kira. "Have we steered you wrong yet?"

"I'm thinking sky blue and silver, medium tone paneling and a fishing motif. Either that or unicorns. Oh, wait, your katana is royal blue, isn't it? We'll just darken the palette a bit so you won't clash."

Shuuhei rolled his eyes at Yumi, then turned his attention back to Kira. "Let's see. 'Have we steered you wrong yet?' Yes, Izuru, the list is endless."

"I mean recently."

"Recently? Hell, yes!"

"If we've steered you wrong, Hisagi, it's only because you wanted to be steered in the first place." Renji bit off a hangnail and spit it out.

"All right, I admit it," nodded Shuuhei. "I've had a lot fun and if I really didn't want to do this crazy ass stuff, I could have said no."

"Doubtful," said Yumichika. "I don't think we would have let you. What's really bothering you, Shuuhei? It's the fishing motif, isn't it? I could work with a koi pond instead, if you prefer."

"I've never thought of myself as a fishy kind of guy, Yumi."

"Shifty and underhanded, but definitely not fishy," smirked Ikkaku.

"You're describing yourself, Ping Pong Brain," said Renji. "So what _is_ your problem then, Hisagi? After all, we're doing this for you, dude."

"It's your destiny, Shuuhei. Your destiny with Nanao."

"I know, Kira, I know. You keep saying that. Still, I wish we weren't dealing with riddles. Captain Kyouraku could have been a little more specific about these tasks."

"Typical of you, Shuuhei. Cross the t's and dot the i's," said Yumi. "I've decided that we're going with unicorns. Very manly with that horn and all."

Shuuhei glared at Yumichika, then at the others. "Personally, I think he's sending us all on a wild goose chase that'll end up with us in jail."

"Sending you on a wild goose chase," corrected Renji. "We're just along for the ride. Besides, Kyouraku's got our backs. He wouldn't let that happen."

"Whatever, Scarlet Crusader. I'm glad you're so sure about Kyouraku's motivation." Shuuhei crossed his arms.

"I agree with Red," said Ikkaku. "Kyouraku wouldn't jerk us around. He'd defend us to the very end, and I'm always right about these things."

"Look at it this way, Shuuhei, only two more tasks to go," soothed Kira.

"And then I can retire from my life of crime? Oh, goodie." He heaved a sigh, uncrossing his arms at the same time. "Let's get this over with." He perused the list Kyouraku had given them. "So what does 'work where you play' mean?"

"It means," said Kira with an air of superiority, "that we need to clean up after ourselves when we are done playing."

"No," said Ikkaku, "It means that you should enjoy your work."

"It doesn't mean that at all," Kira pointed out. "It doesn't say 'play where you work.' It says 'work where you play.' Therefore, it means to clean up after yourself when you're done playing. So let's find something to clean!"

"Kira, we know you're blond. Quit reinforcing it by opening your mouth," Renji sneered. "We're Shinigami, not a bunch of five-year-olds at play group. Take off your apron and act like a real man."

"Now, guys," said Yumichika quietly, "I think maybe Kira is on to something. Shinigami, especially Division 11 Shinigami, do play. We call it training. And when we play, we play hard. Have you seen our workout sessions? The harder they are, the more we like them. So who's to say that 'playing' doesn't mean 'training?' You may all bow down to me; I'm as smart as I am beautiful."

"It was my idea," protested Kira.

"Blond, blond, blond," tsked Yumichika.

"Hey!"

"You might be on to something, Yumi," said Hisagi.

"Hey again!" snorted Kira, hands on his hips.

"You too, Kira," said Shuuhei, draping an arm over Kira's back. "We could go to the training grounds and clean them up. After yesterday's tournament, I don't think anybody has gotten around to fixing the place back up yet."

"Who would want the job?" grunted Ikkaku.

"Exactly," said Shuuhei. "It's up to us to do the work, now that they're done playing."

"Can't we let the fourth do it?" asked Kira.

"No, big shot, it was your idea. Now come on. We got us some cleaning to do."

"Yumi said it first," Kira protested.

"We could always redecorate your office instead," added Yumi hopefully.

"No."

"Damn."

* * *

The training grounds were contained in an open air amphitheater-style arena, aptly named 'Bankai Stadium.' It was nestled in a valley among the hills which gave the stadium the look of an upside down cone with a popped-in center. Stone benches lined the hillsides, and thick aisles cutting through the benches led to the elevated center stage or fighting platform. A thick, wide aisle went all the way around the outside of the slanted round platform with two sets of stone stairs leading up to it, about 5 to 6 feet high depending on where a person was standing. It had many purposes, from training demonstrations, to exhibitions, to actual battles, to musical concerts and plays.

Used on a regular basis for everyday training within divisions, the grounds were also the site of monthly no-holds-barred tournaments between divisions. These were 'play dates' for the men and women of the Seireitei, and they played as hard as they fought. They also left behind some pretty awful messes, both in the stands and on the stage. The fine arts performers were the first to complain about the unsanitary conditions of the arena after the monthly tournaments.

The five men were about to embark on a battle for cleanliness. It would not be an easy task. They left Shuuhei's office, chatting merrily to keep their minds off the task at hand and headed over to the practice arena which sat in the valley below Captain Ukitake's residence.

"I'll supervise," said Renji, having a pretty good idea of what lie ahead.

"I'll supervise," corrected Yumichika.

"It was my idea in the first place," Kira argued. "If there is any supervising to be done, it's going to be done by me. Got it?"

"Blonds," sneered Ikkaku, "Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em fast enough."

"Blonds are like rabbits in a math class. They think the little x in the equation means 'kiss,' so they just keep multiplying," added Renji.

"Blonds are like those little pill balls on sweat shirts that you've worn a lot. Hard to pick off and not good for anything," laughed Yumichika.

"Hey, Kira, why was the blond mad at the other blond?" asked Hisagi. "Not only was she wearing the same dress, but she was hogging the mirror."

"That does it!" yelled Kira. "I am so out of here! First you don't give me due credit for interpreting the task, and then you insult me with dumb blond jokes! I may be blond, but I'm not dumb! You people are just mean! Clean the stadium yourselves!" Kira stormed off up the hill towards Ukitake's gardens and koi ponds. "You'll miss me when I'm gone!" he yelled over his shoulder.

"He'll be back," assured Ikkaku.

Shuuhei nodded. "With snacks."


	20. Oh, Fish Excrement!

**A/N Here's another one for you. Enjoy! As always, Bleach does not belong to me. There is a link at the end to DolphinWhisperer's site on Deviant Art, where she has posted a picture related to this chapter. It is a spoiler, so look at it after you read the chapter, okay? ;o)**

* * *

The group, sans Kira, surveyed Bankai Stadium from near the top level of the amphitheater. Empty food containers, bandages, some bloody, some not, an occasional piece of clothing, broken weapons and a random body or two littered the place from top to bottom. Bankai Stadium looked like it had been recently bankai-ed itself.

"How are we going to clean up this mess?" asked Hisagi. "It usually takes a full division to clean it. It's almost too much work for just the four of us."

"I guess it's too late to apologize to Kira, huh?" asked Renji. "This whole place looks and smells like a bathroom. He's the only guy I know who actually likes to clean the john. He'd enjoy this."

"That's why we love him," smiled Yumichika. "But don't lose heart. There's always a solution and Yumichika here always has an answer." Brows knit together in thought, Yumi continued to peruse the disaster zone, as the others awaited his killer plan. Finally, after ten minutes of careful knitting and unraveling, knitting and unraveling, he straightened up, smoothed his feathers and said, "Nope, nothing."

"You're cheesing me off, Yumichika," growled Ikkaku. "Why the hell did it take you so long to come up with nothing? Lame brain!"

"Excuse me, Ikkaku." Yumi tapped him fiercely on the head. "Have I insulted you recently?"

"No, not recently," the bald man said, swatting him away while holding his stomach.

"Well, that will have to change, starting now." Yumi took a deep breath. "Find an egg carton and join your family before I make an omelet out of you. Ikkaku, you're wanted at the bowling alley. They're running out of bowling balls, and when you finish there, the cue ball is missing from the pool table. By the way, the fortune teller would like her crystal ball back."

"You've been saving those up, haven't you?"

Yumichika's response and probable insult was cut short by a high pitched happy voice echoing from the hillside above them. Kira had returned, and of course, he had snacks.

"I have snacks," he called out. "Fresh berries, some cream and sugar, plus some yummy pastries to put the berries on. Who wants some?"

The men, except for Ikkaku who sat with his head buried in his hands, ran to his side as he entered the amphitheater from the hillside. Kira surveyed the stadium. "Is that a body down there?"

"Probably one of Kurotsuchi's experimental gigais," said Renji.

"Failed, I take it." Kira raised an eyebrow at Hisagi. "I see you didn't get much done while I was gone."

"No, not really," he replied sheepishly. "It's kind of overwhelming."

"So's the smell." Renji wrinkled his nose.

"Frankly, it's making me wanna barf," said Ikkaku bluntly.

"You're squeamish, Ikkaku?" asked Hisagi. "I thought Yumichika would be the squeamish one."

"Why do you think I'm keeping a scented hankie near my nose?" Yumichika flapped the hankie that he was holding. "Goodness knows that cleaning this mess is not a glamorous job, and Ikkaku has a very delicate stomach, don't you, Ikkaku?"

"Don't remind me." He groaned and returned his attention to the acrobat doing cartwheels in his stomach.

Kira smiled, "Then we'd better eat something to fortify ourselves for the job, don't you think? Oh, wait! That's a good idea. Would anyone like to steal it?"

"It's all yours, Kira," said Hisagi with a slight bow. "Anyone want some of the berries Kira so kindly procured for us?"

"D'jou steal 'em?" asked Renji.

"Of course not. Ikkaku? Berries?"

"None for me, thanks," said Ikkaku weakly. He grabbed Yumi's sleeve and asked, "Got another one of those scented hankies?"

"No, sorry," replied Yumi, pulling himself away from the distressed man and dusting off his sleeve.

"Smell your armpit. That might help mask the odor, you pansy," suggested Renji.

"Smell this, Abarai," said Ikkaku, making a move, but then thinking better of it as the acrobat was joined by some friends with a trampoline and a couple of elephants in cleats.

The other men, unlike Ikkaku, were ready for something to eat, plus it meant delaying the inevitable unpleasantness of cleaning for just a little bit longer. On the plus side, their olfactory systems had begun to shut down from the stench.

"I'm starving," complained Shuuhei, reaching for the berries.

"Apology first, then eats," said Kira pleasantly, drawing them back from the hungry Shinigami.

"All right, all right, I'm sorry for the blond jokes, Kira. You're not dumb. Berries, please?"

"Oooo, I liked that 'please' at the end there, Shuuhei. Just for that, you get extra berries and I may even tell you my idea for cleaning the arena."

"Uh, thanks?" questioned Shuuhei curiously, taking the bowl from Kira's hand.

After a round of apologies, the rest of the men received their snacks of berries, cream and pastries too. By now, Kira was feeling a bit magnanimous and since no one was asking about his plan, he decided to offer it anyway.

"You see, I was thinking," he started.

Renji was about to open his mouth with a wisecrack when Hisagi elbowed him hard in the side. "Shut up unless you want him to pout all day and not help clean."

The red head covered by clearing his throat loudly and pointing towards his mouth. "Frog."

"Nice save," said Yumi, sarcastically. "Try not to croak."

"I think I've figured out how to clean this place," announced Kira, "I was talking to Captain Ukitake's cook out by the captain's private gardens. You can see part of the garden from here, if you look up the hill." Kira pointed back the way he had come in. "His house and koi ponds are right there. The cook says Captain Ukitake is a real fish lover. You have her to thank for the berries, by the way. Fresh from the gardens."

Finished with his snack, Renji tossed his berry bowl into the pile of garbage in front of him. Ikkaku gagged at the release of more noxious odors when it hit. In his stomach, the elephants rampaged.

"I hope he didn't want the bowl back," said Yumichika disapprovingly. "That was good china."

"Ukitake's rich," shrugged Renji. "He can buy more."

"Besides," said Shuuhei, "look who the cook gave good china to. She should have known better."

"Yea, yea, get on with it," grunted Ikkaku.

"So, anyway," continued Kira, "Captain Ukitake treated his staff to a moo-vee at Captain Kyouraku's. He has one of those real worlder boxes."

"A TV," corrected Renji.

"Teevy? So anyway, on the teevy, she saw a moo-vee about this guy who had to clean this king's stables for a really big herd of cows, but the stables hadn't been cleaned in about as long as Yama-Jii's been growing his beard, see?"

"So?" Renji pushed.

"So. He cleans it," Kira stated simply.

Hisagi and Renji looked at each other, and then to Ikkaku, who was looking rather green by then. The place had to get cleaned quickly or he wasn't going to last much longer.

"Get on with it, Kira," ordered Shuuhei impatiently. "Ikkaku's turning really strange shades of green. How'd the guy clean the stables?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ikkaku," apologized Kira, disingenuously. "I'll tell you what. If it'll make you feel any better, I'll speed it up just a little, okay?" Kira patted him on the back. "How's that sound, Ikkaku? Of course, that means leaving out some of what the cook told me. It's really a very interesting sounding story, wouldn't you agree, Ikkaku? But I know you're not feeling well, so if it's okay with you, Ikkaku, I'll speed it up just a little. Okay?"

Ikkaku nodded as he doubled over. "If you have a shred of compassion in that hard heart of yours, speed it up a lot."

"So anyway, where was I? Do you remember, Ikkaku?" continued Kira, enjoying the bald man's misery a little too much. "Did I tell you about how dirty the stables were? Like, the manure hadn't been cleaned up in over thirty years. You know how bad manure can smell. And these were really big stables. Let me tell you, the smell was worse than Bankai Stadium…"

"Kill the blond!" yelled the suffering man. "Sever his blond head from his shoulders. Do it. Do it now, Hisagi, just not where I can see it 'cause I might hurl."

"The story, Kira, or I just might heed his wishes," Hisagi threatened.

Kira muttered, "I'm getting to it! There was this guy, see …"

"You said that already! Guy, stables, cows, cleaning, beard. Then what?"

"Beard?" Kira thought for a minute. "I don't know if he had a beard or not. The cook didn't mention it, but it really doesn't matter though. Did I tell you that her name is Mrs. Avery? So anyway, the story goes that…"

"Thank the higher power."

"…this guy diverts a couple of rivers and runs them right through the stables. Whoosh! Clean as a whistle. See? We could do that here. What do you think?" Kira grinned triumphantly, his arms folded across his chest.

"That's it?" asked Shuuhei.

Renji replied, "Don't think I'd want to be downstream."

"Not a beautiful sight, I'm sure," sniffed Yumichika.

Ikkaku shuddered at the thought, clutching his stomach. "Hurl, might hurl."

"Easy, Ikkaku. Kira, think about it," said the ever practical Hisagi. "Where are we going to get a couple of rivers?"

Kira looked startled. "I-I hadn't thought that far ahead. I just thought it was a neat story that I could torture Ikkaku with. This is like that duck thing, huh? I guess I got excited about nothing. I really am a dumb blond, aren't I?"

Shuuhei patted him on the back, "It's okay, Kira. At least, you came up with an idea. No one else has."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the odor in the air increasingly permeating their nostrils as the sun burned brighter and higher in the sky.

"Ukitake has some nice gardens up there," said Kira absently to break the tension. "His cook says he uses fish excrement from his ponds as fertilizer. It makes his crops and flowers grow really well. Several big koi ponds up there too."

"So that's why he smells like fish all of the time."

They fell silent again, reclining among the stone benches in the space that they had cleared off. Ikkaku's mind was racing, nausea momentarily forgotten as the elephants and acrobats were taking a break.

"I suppose we should get to work," said Hisagi lazily.

Abruptly, Ikkaku rose, grabbed his zanpakutou and without a word, raced off up the hill to Ukitake's house.

"I didn't mean right away," Hisagi said as he watched the man run up the hill.

"Do you suppose he wants some berries, after all?" asked Kira.

"Dunno," replied Renji. "That sure was sudden. Know what he's doing, Hisagi?"

"Not a clue. Yumi?"

"No," said Yumichika as a distant "hooriyah, hooriyah, hooriyah" echoed through the valley, "but I have a feeling we'd better…RUN!" Yumichika was the first on his feet, flying down the aisle towards the stage. The others sprinted down the amphitheater seating only slightly ahead of a rapid cascade of water that was sweeping down the hillside, straight towards them.

"What the HELL?"

"Grab Renji. He's not going to make it," yelled Hisagi as he dashed towards the stage. Kira raced over towards Renji who had stumbled over debris and fallen behind. Yumichika had leaped gracefully up the steps onto the stage and now ran to help Hisagi and the others scramble up the steps as the water swept away everything in its path. They reached the arena stage, just barely ahead of it. The water sloshed into the pit like a tidal wave and there, its progress was halted. Still in shock, they could only stand and gape at the soggy detritus surrounding them on all sides.

Meanwhile, Ikkaku slid and slipped his way down the hill and over the benches, whooping and hollering. "Did you see that?" he yelled from the other side of the moat. "It was great! The arena's clean just like the stables in that moo-vee. Great story, Kira! You're the man!"

"Ikkaku, what did you do?" cried out an exasperated Hisagi. "Tell me you didn't!"

"Just call me Ikkaku, slicer and dicer extraordinaire! Those koi ponds didn't stand a chance! Carved me a nice little channel to the hillside and WHOOSH! Tsunami city!"

"Moron, you could have killed us!" yelled Renji.

"Worse than that," moaned Yumichika, as he surveyed the numerous fish flapping on the steps of the stadium, "Ikkaku killed the koi!"

"And Ukitake's going to kill us!" said Kira, watching a gigai float past in the water lapping along the platform.

"What are you yelling at me for?" crabbed Ikkaku. "It was the quickest way to clean the place. Look at it! Clean as a whistle! And my nausea's all gone too."

"You idiot! Get those fish into water!" yelled Hisagi.

Ikkaku snapped into action. "Heads up, Blondie!" He grabbed a koi and tossed it at Kira, who managed to catch it and release it into the pooled water of the moat. Flashing to the next one, he scooped it up and tossed it to Renji, and so on until all of the stranded koi in the stadium were in the waters surrounding the fight platform.

Hisagi bent down and with a quick scoop, pulled up an orange and white koi that had gotten tangled in a bandage. He removed the offending fabric, and the fish wriggled and jumped back into the water.

"I guess he only looked like a casualty," he commented. "Seems like most of the fish arrived intact."

"Whoo hoo!" hollered Ikkaku. "Those fish had the ride of their lives!"

Kira nodded towards the koi in the moat. "The arena's clean alright, Ikkaku, but what are we going to do with the swimming guests in the moat that never used to be there?"

"Yea, well, I thought about that," said the bald man. "If we eliminate all the garbage, we'll have a real nice koi pond right here in Bankai stadium. Soothing after a hard battle, you know?"

"Fine," said Yumichika, "but considering that the steps are now underwater, you'd better figure out a way to get me off this stage without getting my feet wet or you're going to need more soothing than a koi pond can give you!"

"You're more trouble than a blond!" shouted Ikkaku.

Yumichika shot back, "Look who's talking."

"Did you hear the one about the bald guy who…"

In unison, they yelled, "Shut up, Kira."

Renji plunked himself down on the stage next to Shuuhei who was sitting cross-legged with his forearms resting on his knees. The dark-haired man turned to look at the red-head. "We're going to jail."

Throwing an arm of reassurance around Shuuhei's shoulder, Renji looked up at the clear blue sky. "Yep, we sure are."

The next day, as the fine arts committee assembled to decorate the stage for a new play, they were delighted to find that the Shinigami from the court guards had not only cleaned, but they had redecorated too.

* * *

**A/N **Here's the link: bcollie9./art/The-Wrath-of-the-Koi-Ponds-92816201 After bcollie9. add deviant art dot com, no spaces. FF doesn't allow the full link to be shown.


	21. Don't Koi With Me

**A/N Again, I don't own Bleach. After this chapter, the final task is up and coming, then the fun really begins. No koi were harmed in the writing of these chapters. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read (and comment). I had a question about the nicknames that fly back and forth between Hisagi and crew. Even though they're not in this chapter, I thought I'd answer here. I get my nicknames from my strange and twisted imagination as well as visualization and word association. They are my fault. Shu-Face is actually a derivitive of Gym-Shu which Ikkaku calls Hisagi in my first story, Regression. I use it alot because for some reason, I really like it. Strange and twisted - told ya. Enjoy, my friends!! ;o)**

* * *

"Captain! Captain Ukitake, sir!" Without knocking, a breathless Kiyone dashed into the eighth division office where Shunsui Kyouraku lived and worked. "Captain Ukitake!"

"Captain! Captain, sir!" Sentarou was right on her heels. "Disaster, sir! Disaster!" They hauled up abruptly in front of their captain, taking Ukitake by surprise. He stumbled backwards a pace.

Jostling each other relentlessly, they rushed headlong into their news. "It's horrible! Simply horrible!"

"Your koi ponds, sir."

"Destroyed!"

"I wanted to tell him."

"You're too slow."

Ukitake was visibly shaken. "Destroyed? But how?" he questioned, bewilderment weighing heavily on his face. "How could this have happened?" He grabbed Sentarou by the collar. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir," answered the two aides in unison. Their eyes glued to Ukitake, Kiyone and Sentarou clung to each other, bouncing with fear and excitement. Kiyone couldn't help thinking this might be nice if Sentarou weren't such a howler monkey.

"How could this have happened?" the distraught man pondered aloud. He paced the floor, hands laced through his hair. "It couldn't have been a storm; the weather has been so calm. Could my dams have been weakened somehow? I just don't understand how this could have happened."

Moved by the news of the loss, Shunsui strode over to his old friend. "I'm so sorry, Jushiro," he comforted. "If there's anything I can do…"

Ukitake looked at Shunsui, his eyes filled with grief. "You know that I've been worried about my ponds, Shunsui. I told you that I didn't think they'd be able to hold the overflow if there was a heavy storm. I've been going to enlarge the ponds and expand the gardens, but I kept putting off until my health was better. If only I had strengthened the dams." He paused and coughed to loosen the breath that was caught in his throat. "And now it's too late...oh, my prized koi."

"Don't worry, old friend. We'll get this all sorted out." Shunsui felt his friend's pain as he enveloped Jushiro in a hug. They were like brothers and to see his brother torn up like this was too much to bear.

"What could have happened? It couldn't have been the weather, Shunsui. A hollow attack, perhaps? But here? Here in the Seireitei? But if it was…poor Mrs. Avery. I doubt my cook could have survived." He shook his head mournfully.

Yama-Jii eyed Ukitake's two aides disdainfully from his seat on Shunsui's desk and said, "There is no sense in speculating, Jushiro, when the information is available for the listening."

"You're right, of course, Yama-Jii," said Ukitake, slowly pushing Shunsui away as he nodded that he was okay. "What happened? Kiyone, Sentarou, both of you calm down," soothed Ukitake. "Take a deep breath, then tell me slowly and easily what happened. What massive force could have caused this horrible destruction?"

Inhaling to fill their lungs, the two paused, looked at each other, then began.

"The koi ponds…"

"It's horrible…"

"…they're gone!"

"…it's those horrible men…"

"…destroyed…"

"…they did it!..."

"…demolished…"

"...it's their fault!"

"…ka-put!"

"…fish everywhere!"

"…I'll kill them for you, Captain."

"…I was going to say that!"

"…Nyah nyah…"

Yamamoto clapped his hands. "Children, be calm!" he commanded.

"Oh, Captain General, sir, my apologies," a rattled Kiyone bowed to the old man whom she really hadn't notice until now because of her own captain's distress.

"No, my apologies first, Captain General," said Sentarou, pushing her out of the way and bowing even lower.

"Oh get up, get up, you nincompoops. Get on with it," said the old man, pulling a piece of caramel corn from his beard and tossing it away. It ended up in Sentarou's hair.

"Yes, what happened to my koi ponds? What men are you babbling about? Explain." Ukitake had his arms folded over his chest, trying not to cough. He tried to breathe calmly, but his lungs met with resistance from his disease.

"Those Shinigami, sir. The ones causing all of the problems. They did it. The third seat of the eleventh…"

"…went apeshit on your koi ponds, sir! All of your fish are in the moat at the bottom of the fight arena."

"There's no moat in the fight arena!" argued Jushiro.

"There is now, Sir."

"A big one..."

"…With fish in it."

Ukitake started to shake in anger now. "SHUNSUI!" he yelled raspily. "This is your doing!"

Shunsui, fearful for his friend's health, tried to quiet him down. "Now, Jushiro, old friend, calm down. I'm sure it can be fixed. After all, they're just little fishies."

"Just little fishies? JUST LITTLE FISHIES? AND YOUR LIEUTENANT IS JUST A LITTLE LIEUTENANT AND LOOK AT THE MESS YOU'VE MADE TRYING TO FIX HER!" He paused, disease forgotten as the rage increased, "AND SHE WASN'T EVEN BROKEN!!"

It had been many years since Shunsui had seen Jushiro this angry, but those koi ponds were his babies. He had spent many hours fussing over the grounds and improving the ponds of his house. His koi were known for their beautiful colorations and he had been feeding certain ones for over twenty years. Some of his koi were longer than a forearm in size; others in the newer ponds were still fry, but they received meticulous care as well.

Shunsui was in deep, deep trouble, thanks to five reckless Shinigami. _Oh, Nanao, what have you gotten me into?_ he thought. _All because you couldn't be nice to your dear saintly captain._

"We'll fix it," he said to Jushiro, quickly. "I'll fix it! I'll pay for all the repairs, Jushiro. Hire anyone you want. And we'll get you more fish," he pleaded. "Lots of fish. It was just a little accident, I'm sure."

A sudden serenity seemed to come over Ukitake. "Captain General," he said quietly, "did you know that every morning I take my tea by the serenity of my koi ponds? I sit and focus my energies, gather my strength, and soothe my spirit. And now, if I desire to focus my energies or have my tea," he turned to Shunsui, "I HAVE TO GO TO THE FIGHT ARENA AND VISIT MY FISH IN THE MOAT!"

Ukitake's reiatsu fluctuated wildly throughout the room. Only Yamamoto was unaffected by it. He casually popped another piece of caramel corn in his mouth, since the last one had ended up in his beard. Again.

"I'll get your koi ponds repaired, Jushiro," assured Shunsui. "I had no idea that this would happen when I sent Hisagi and the others on their way, but I'll fix it, I promise, old friend. Frankly, we have no proof that this is even related to his silly little quest."

Ukitake stared at the pink-robed man. "No proof? You had no idea? Shunsui, you unleashed five of our best and wildest Shinigami on the unsuspecting people of the Rukongai and the Seireitei with this mad scheme of yours. 'They're bored, Jushiro.' 'It'll keep them out of trouble, Jushiro.' HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT DISASTER WOULD STRIKE?"

Shunsui winced at the harsh words, but said calmly, "Perhaps the third seat of the eleventh had other reasons for destroying your ponds."

"Like what, Shunsui, KOI POND ENVY?"

"I told you, I merely wanted them to change light bulbs and say please and thank you to old ladies," he protested to closed ears.

"Shunsui, you're like my brother," said an exasperated Jushiro, standing with his hands on his hips, "so I'm going to say this nicely. Shut. Your. Yap! I'm taking the advice of my fortune cookie!" He jabbed Kyouraku in the chest with his finger, "You will not only repair the damage to my property, but you will make it bigger and better! More gardens, more ponds, more koi! Do you understand?"

"You're absolutely right, Jushiro. The sky's the limit. You can get anything that your heart desires, I promise," pledged Shunsui. "On my honor as a principled man."

"Hmph, when did that start?" said Old Man Yama. "This plan of yours is like a serpent, Shunsui. Do you not feel it slowly constraining you?" He gave Ukitake the once over. "The serpent has bitten the one standing closest to it. But it is only a matter of time before it discovers who is holding its tail."

"I hate snakes," shuddered Kiyone.

"Nonsense, Yama-Jii," assured Shunsui, patting Kiyone on the head, "we'll fix the koi ponds, bigger and better, and everything will work out just fine. This was just a glitch, an unfortunate consequence of over-zealous men." He smiled at Ukitake. "I told you they needed something to do, didn't I, Jushiro?"

Jushiro ignored his comment. "One other thing, Shunsui."

"Anything, Jushiro, to put this unpleasantness behind us."

"I desire that you do the work yourself, so that you understand exactly how much went into making those koi ponds in the first place. I want you to understand through hard labor that they are more than just little fishies to me."

"B-by myself, Jushiro? All of it? Surely, you can't mean…"

"Oh, I do, Shunsui, I most certainly do. All of the work. Done by you. Personally. Got it, old friend?" The silver-haired man's eyes narrowed on his target.

"If I hire a team, it'll get done much faster," suggested Shunsui, trying to appease his friend and get out of what he knew would be back-breaking labor.

"Faster, yes, but not nearly as satisfying," smiled Ukitake thinly, as he clapped Shunsui on the back.

Yama-Jii's mustache moved, indicating a possible smile hiding beneath it. "The serpent seems about ready to strike, does it not? Better move out of the way faster, Shunsui, or it will get you. Or hold perfectly still and perhaps it will miss. Or it could lose interest if you only…"

"And you shut up, Old Man, I've had enough of your endless rambling!" ordered Ukitake, continuing in his uncharacteristic snit.

The old man's eyes opened wide in surprise. He stared at his former student as if seeing him for the first time, but said nothing, letting his whirling reiatsu say it all.

"I'm sorry, Master," Ukitake felt ashamed for his outburst. "I lost my head for a moment."

"Hmph, you came close to losing it permanently," snorted the old man, feeling for his staff.

"What exactly shall we do with the koi in the moat?" asked a humbled Ukitake.

Putting his bowl of caramel corn on a stack of unfinished reports, the old man declared, "I have given the matter some thought. Thank you, Jushiro, for your kind contribution of aquatic life to Bankai Stadium. Shunsui, you will turn the moat into a koi-friendly environment."

"Me?" protested Shunsui, "but I'll be busy…"

The old man waved him off with his hand.

Ukitake also protested, "But I've had some of those fish for a very long time."

"And you can visit them in the moat. Bring your tea. Do you not agree that it will be good feng shui for the arena games to have happy fishes swimming about?"

"If you say so, Yama-Jii," sighed Ukitake.

"I say so too, Captain General." said Sentarou. "Good idea, sir."

"I thought it was a good idea first," complained Kiyone.

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Captain Kyouraku has an uncanny ability for finding useless tasks for his subordinates. Shut up, both of you," ordered Yamamoto, "or I'll have him find useless tasks for the two of you to do."

"Yes, Sir."

"Shutting up, Sir."

"I shut up before you did."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"You shut up first."

"I did."

"No, you didn't, you howler monkey."

"I knew it! Captain Ukitake, you're not really going to replace me with a howler monkey, are you, sir?"

"Shunsui, open a couple more fortune cookies and send these two on another of your mindless quests. And no, they cannot help you rebuild the koi ponds."

* * *

**A/N** And please visit and review DolphinWhisperer's story 'Bleached Ice.' She's been invaluable to me, especially when I write chapters I'm not happy with, like this one.


	22. Wrestling Inner Monsters

**A/N Three chapters worth of the last task, but believe me, there's a lot more to come. I do not own Bleach, but thank you for asking. Enjoy!**

* * *

"How many more of these stupid tasks do I have to complete?" asked Shuuhei.

"Only one," said Yumichika, consulting the parchment that held Shunsui's list of tasks. "'The wise man wrestles with inner monsters.'"

"That's totally stupid," the spike-haired man said.

"No, it's not," said Kira. "It's brilliant. Everyone should wrestle with his inner demons."

"It says 'monsters,'" corrected Yumi.

"'Monsters.' 'Demons.' Does it make a difference?"

"I haven't wrestled inner demons since I thought about quitting the academy after the hollow attack," said Shuuhei. "And that lasted all of a minute."

"Yea," laughed Renji. "You were too mad to quit."

"And stubborn," added Kira.

"Good thing I was. Now it's given you two something to do on this fine afternoon," laughed Shuuhei, throwing a bolt from a light Hadou 4 White Lightning attack close enough to their feet that they had to scurry out of the way.

"Again with the White Lightning at my feet? Why, Hisagi?" Renji demanded as he hopped around. (1)

"Mainly because you deserve it, and it's fun to see you dance."

A crowd of people in festive attire stopped to see the show. They applauded at the end of Kira and Renji's impromptu jig.

"Who are they?" asked Kira.

"Must be a party going on someplace," said Renji. "At least, they were entertained. Move along," he called over to them, "or we'll watch you dance!" He assumed a kidou-style stance aimed directly at them. The crowd scattered quickly.

"Good thing they don't know how lousy you are at kidou," snickered Kira.

"Why you pea-brained little… I'm gonna kidou your ass."

"Before you do, I have a question. Are you going to aim directly at my ass or off to the side?" asked Kira.

"What does that mean?" asked a baffled Renji.

"Simple," said Kira. "If you aim directly at me, I know I'll be safe, but if you aim off to the side, I might have to move a little since you might accidentally hit me."

"Hell!" said Renji dejectedly. "At least, I'm better than I used to be."

"Ahem. My problem, please? Can we think this through?" interrupted Shuuhei. "I'm anxious to get this nonsense over with."

"Can't wait for some Nanao nirvana, eh, Hisagi?" Ikkaku poked him in the ribs. "A date in heaven with Nanao, the angel from hell."

"She can't be that bad," he argued. "Kyouraku likes her."

"Kyouraku likes anything in a skirt," said Ikkaku. "Good thing he didn't see you at the pageant, Hisagi."

Shuuhei elbowed him, "Can't stop thinking about me, huh, Ikkaku?"

"Damn straight. I always was a leg man."

"Nanao does everything for her captain," said Kira, the romantic. "Seems to me that if you want to win her over, you should treat her the way she treats him."

"What? Slave-like?"

"No, I mean treat her like she's someone extra special. She probably doesn't get that very much."

Shuuhei didn't respond. He couldn't argue with Kira because he felt the blond was probably right. He had done all of these crazy stunts for a woman he really didn't know. Thoughts of her had begun to intrigue him more and more. Whether or not Shunsui Kyouraku had been up to something or not had slid to the back of his mind, replaced by growing anticipation…and impatience. Quite frankly, Shuuhei was looking forward to asking her out. He wanted to know more about her and that didn't happen to him very often. The last time had been in Shinigami school.

Finally, he asked, "Well, did anyone come up with a solution to this one? How do I wrestle inner monsters?"

"Know any sumo wrestlers?" asked Renji. "They're monstrous in size."

"Not personally."

"Nix that idea."

"What about Jidanbou?" asked Yumichika. "He's a rather monstrous fellow."

"Me versus Jidanbou?" Shuuhei rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know. Not much of a contest. I'd cream him in seconds," he grinned.

Ikkaku whacked him on the back of the head. "Dream much, Shu-Face? Jidanbou would wipe you off the bottom of his shoe like a piece of used bubble gum. Besides, you can't wrestle Jidanbou. He's outside the gates, so wouldn't that make him an outer monster? You need to look for a monster inside the Seireitei."

"I do? You mean, not including the bald one I'm looking at?" Shuuhei ducked behind Yumichika.

"Don't include me in your lover's quarrel," he said.

"Who do I pummel first?" sputtered Ikkaku. "You or him?"

"All right, settle down. How about Byakuya Kuchiki? He's monstrous," said Renji, "but he sure can entertain a crowd of women."

"Let's leave the poor man alone for awhile, shall we?" suggested Yumichika.

"There's always the captain," said Ikkaku.

"Kenpachi? Are you crazy? He'd chew me up worse than Jidanbou," said Shuuhei, incredulously. "No, I need someone that I might have a chance of beating."

Another crowd of people walked past the Shinigami, chatting excitedly about the festival they had just been to.

"What festival are they talking about?" asked Kira.

"Wait here. I'll find out." In a flash, Yumichika was gone. Within a few minutes, he returned with a stick of cotton candy and a huge grin. "I've got your monster, Hisagi. Are you ready to wrestle?"

* * *

Marechiyo Oomaeda was SoiFon's vice captain of the second division. He was a loud, large, obnoxious and sometimes cowardly nose picker of a man who hailed from a privileged family, but his strength as a wrestler was undeniable. Every year, the Oomaeda clan held a festival on their estate grounds to celebrate the wrestling prowess of its son through a three day winner-take-all wrestling tournament. Yumichika had learned from the crowds that the festival was on its third day, so the five had entered the grounds, intent on finding out more about the contest.

The carnival-like atmosphere was a treat for the people of the Seireitei. There were many food booths with exotic foods and food smells, like kettle corn, funnel cakes, elephant ears and candy apples. Ikkaku had wanted to try an elephant's ear, but given what he knew to be the size of most elephants, he wasn't that hungry, so he decided to try a hot dog instead.

"He called this a Chicago dog, but maybe he meant Shikai-go," he said, referring to the all-beef tube of meat on a poppy seed bun. He had the vendor 'drag it through the garden,' so the treat was topped with mustard and onions, sweet relish in a bright green color, sweet peppers, a tomato slice or two and a dill pickle spear. Taking a large bite, he chewed and chewed. "I don't think there's really a dog in here."

"Maybe a Shikai-go dog isn't a real dog," replied Kira. "You know, sort of like how a Bird of Paradise is a flower and isn't a real bird."

"Then it's false advertising," he declared. "Besides, it could use some ketchup." (2)

Also in the courtyard where the fair was being held were vendors of strange toys and gadgets, as well as a puppet show and a magician who didn't use kidou for his magic tricks.

The five men gathered around the magician while lively music played in the background.

_Mahna mahna (ba dee bedebe), Mahna mahna (ba dee bedebe) _The magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat, then lit his fingertips on fire.

"You should try this style of magic, Renji. You might be better at it than kidou," ribbed Kira.

"What do want me to do, rabbit the hollows to death?"

_Mahna mahna (ba dee bedebe badebe badebe dee dee de-de de-de-de) _His assistant disappeared into a box and reappeared in a different one as the crowd clapped lightly.

_Mahna mahna (ba dee bedebe), mahna mahna (ba debe dee) _For his finale, he levitated her and finally she disappeared all together.

_Mahna mahna (ba dee bedebe badebe badebe dee dee de-de de-de-__de) _(3)

"She probably couldn't stand that cheesy music either," sniffed Yumichika. The applause was polite. It was nothing like kidou, but it was novel, something not seen in the Seireitei before. That was what the Oomaeda clan strived for year after year.

The theme this year was the real world, so the festival had everything from a petting zoo to carnival rides. Of course, the big attraction was Marechiyo Oomaeda's wrestling prowess, the reason the festival had been started years ago.

"He's been at it for three days." Yumichika pointed towards the wrestling ring where Oomaeda was defeating yet another challenger. "He's got to be tired; you might stand a chance, Hisagi."

Oomaeda's record was impressive. Over the last ten years, he had been undefeated in wrestling men (and any women who dared to touch him) in the three day tournament that resembled sumo, high school wrestling and an out-and-out brawl. Today was the last day and probably the best day to win against him.

The rules were simple. It was a brute strength competition allowing only hands, feet and muscles. Use of weapons or reiatsu was prohibited. The goal was to push, shove, throw or otherwise remove your competitor from the wrestling ring, a large circle of dirt surrounded by hay bales in an open courtyard on the Oomaeda estate. The winner took on the next person until he lost. Marechiyo Oomaeda had never lost. The competition drew large crowds, both spectators and challengers who wanted to take down the Oomaeda legend of wrestling. He was a monster in the ring.

"Perfect," said Ikkaku, giving Shuuhei a push. "Get in there, Hisagi, and take him out."

"What makes you think I can?" he asked, pushing back.

"You're a scrappy little thing, and you look good in heels."

"What's that have to do with anything?"

"I dunno, it might give you a height advantage."

"Shut up, Gumball Head. And quit looking at my legs."

"You giving my third seat orders, Vice Captain?" A strong voice boomed in Hisagi's ear as a slight weight landed on his shoulder.

"Number Face!"

"Captain Zaraki, Sir! What are you doing here? Hello, Yachiru," he said to the little pink-haired sprite.

"Checking up on my men, Hisagi. I heard something about you leading them astray."

"Me leading them astray? I think it's the opposite way around, Sir."

"That's not what the Kuchi-Man said," chirped Yachiru. She tugged on Hisagi's hair to make him look in her direction. "He said you're bad for Red Hair to be around. Kenny laughed at him."

"You're telling a fib, Yachiru. Kuchiki didn't think Red Hair was a good influence either. I say ya deserve each other."

Hisagi shook himself free. "Can't say I blame Captain Kuchiki after the party…"

"That I wasn't invited to," blurted Yachiru.

"You wouldn't have enjoyed it, Yachiru."

"That's what I tried to tell her, but the brat wouldn't listen." Still, she pouted until Yumichika handed her the rest of his cotton candy.

Yachiru hopped back onto Kenpachi's shoulder with the cotton candy treat, but she didn't take into account how big the confection was. Some of Kenpachi's spiky hair turned a sticky pink from the sugary substance. Sucking on the spikes to get the treat off, she accidentally swallowed one of his bells. It tickled her immensely to jingle from the inside.

Kenpachi looked at the wrestling arena where Oomaeda was taking on another competitor. "You thinking about taking him on?"

"Yea," said Shuuhei. "You heard about these tasks I have to do? The last one is to wrestle a monster."

"And yer gonna wrassle him?! Hell, he isn't a monster. He's a flea. You want a monster to wrassle, Hisagi; I'll give you a monster." With that, the five men watched Kenpachi climb into the ring and throw Oomaeda's opponent across the courtyard into the road. He next turned his attention to Oomaeda who was watching in abject horror. He had never been challenged by a captain before. It was an unwritten rule due to the Oomaeda's social status that captains were not to participate in the challenge, since Marechiyo didn't have captain status yet.

"You wrassling me or what, Pantywaist?" sneered Kenpachi.

"Knock his block off, Oomaeda," came a loud female voice from the sidelines.

"Yes, Captain." Oomaeda had no choice. With Captain SoiFon looking on, he had to wrestle Kenpachi, and he had to win or else face her wrath afterwards.

"Let the match begin!" shouted the referee. A whistle blew and the two men came out strong.

Oomaeda scored the first advantage by grabbing Kenpachi by the arm and knocking him off balance. Kenpachi recovered quickly, but was angered by the surprise. He came at Oomaeda like a raging bull. Although a big man, Oomaeda was limber for his size. He stepped quickly out of way, as Kenpachi came barreling across the ring. The captain pulled up short of the edge, catching the loud cheering going on behind him. As he turned to attack again, he saw Oomaeda, arms raised, egging on the adoring crowd.

SoiFon was livid. "Concentrate, you moron! He's coming again! For the honor of the second, Marechiyo, you'd better win this!" The women around her, a few of the vice captains who had come to watch the spectacle, tried to calm her down, but only succeeded in angering her more. "Oh, go get a boyfriend!" she yelled at them.

Kenpachi charged Oomaeda again, this time ramming the man in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. In three steps, Kenpachi had him out of the ring.

"The new winner, Captain Kenpachi Zaraki!" hollered the ref, holding up Kenpachi's arm in victory.

"NO!" cried Oomaeda. "I wasn't ready! It's not fair! It's my festival! Why did he get to wrestle? Mother!"

He stalked off the field, followed by a diminutive, but extremely angry dark-haired woman. As he retreated, he looked back and saw SoiFon following him. He broke out into a run, but with her shunpo, butterfly shapes soon began appearing on his body, most notably his rear end. "I am so going to kick your ass!" she was heard screaming. It was unlikely that the festival would be held again next year.

* * *

(1) Shameless plug alert - _Sarah Tay at the Seireitei _

(2) It's close to criminal to put ketchup on a Chicago-style hot dog!

For those who are not familiar with American fairs, kettle corn is popcorn that has been popped with sugar and salt in an open kettle over a fire – one of my favorites! Funnel cakes are Amish in origin. They are fried cakes made by pouring batter through a funnel in squiggly circles directly into hot oil. They are usually topped with powdered sugar. Elephant ears are similar, except that they are yeast dough patties that have been stretched out and fried in hot oil, also topped with powdered sugar. They are big and round and flat, hence the name elephant ears. Candy apples are apples on a stick covered with caramel or a delicious red hard sugar coating. I'd be interested to hear what is considered festival or fair food in other parts of the world.

(3) The song was written by Piero Umiliani and is from the 1969 Avco Embassy Film, "Sweden Heaven and Hell," a soft-core porn pseudo-documentary on sex in Sweden. It's probably best known for the Muppets version of the song. This was a challenge that DolphinWhisperer added to my story to see what I would do with it…so there, DW!


	23. Remember the Alamo

Back at the wrestling ring, the new champion began looking for takers. "Come on, Hisagi, you wanted to wrassle. Now you got someone worth wrassling, so get your quivering ass out here."

Shuuhei, normally calm and unflappable, had watched the entire event with rising horror. If Oomaeda had been horrified to see Kenpachi in the ring, Shuuhei was more so since he had been watching the entire debacle, knowing that he would most likely be the next competitor, or victim to his way of thinking. He got to see what was in store for him first hand and it scared the hell out of him.

"Quick, let me see that parchment again. Look for loopholes. Look for loopholes!" He grabbed the parchment list from Yumi's hand and scanned it front and back.

"Shu, he's waiting for you," whispered Kira.

"I don't care. Look for loopholes!" He threw the parchment back at Yumichika.

"He's coming over here!" Kira's voice raised an octave as Kenpachi made his way through the crowd.

The captain grabbed Shuuhei by the neck. "You coming or not? I can't wait all day, you know."

"Let Kenny have a good time, Number Face," yelled Yachiru from her seat on Ikkaku's head.

"Don't you ever wash your feet?" grumbled the bald man.

Shuuhei began to pray, "Dear Being of Greatness, save me..."

"I didn't know you were a religious man, Hisagi," said Kenpachi, lifting him over his head into the ring.

"Neither did I," wailed Shuuhei.

"Should've been a monk."

"Can I start now?" His legs gave out under him as Kenpachi set him down hard.

"Okay, ref, let's get this shindig started."

"Gentlemen, are you ready?"

"Yumi, find a loophole!!"

"Let the match begin!" The whistle blew and the match between Kenpachi Zaraki and Shuuhei Hisagi began in earnest.

* * *

Shuuhei's first move was done entirely for self-preservation. Kenpachi had him by 100 pounds and nine inches in height. He ran around to the other side of the ring, watching the fearsome captain closely for any sudden moves.

"What's a matter with you, boy? I got that waste of skin out of the way for ya, so you could wrassle a real monster. You said you wanted to wrassle, so wrassle!"

Kira leaned over to Renji. "This reminds me of a real worlder massacre that I read about once in a place called the Alamo. No one survived. Poor Shuuhei; I think this is his Alamo." (1)

"If you have any other encouraging words for Hisagi, keep them to yourself," said Renji.

"I'd rather be at that Alamo place than in the ring with Kenpachi," said Ikkaku.

"Are you going someplace?" asked Yachiru, leaning into his face. "Is there a water slide? Can I come with you? I want to ride the water slide. Hey, Kenny, can I go to the Alamo?"

"Shut up. I'm not going any place and the captain's too busy trying to kill Hisagi to pay any attention to you."

"Okay. After he kills Number Face, then can we go to the water park?"

"If only I could figure out how to help Hisagi," said Yumi gravely. "I know the captain loves a good fight and he's going to be really angry if I interfere, but we need Hisagi alive. We've come too far to lose him now."

"Yea, we'll let Nanao kill him on their date," said Ikkaku.

"Why can't Kenny kill him now?" whined Yachiru. "I want to go to the water park." She found herself fending off Ikkaku's flailing arms as he tried unsuccessfully to dislodge her from her perch on his shoulder.

"Think, Yumichika, how can we help Hisagi?" Yumi said to himself. "Put your pretty brain to work and think!"

While Yumichika was thinking, Hisagi was trying to keep his distance from Kenpachi. Kenpachi was getting irate.

"Wrassle me, damn it."

"Give me a minute," said Hisagi. "I need a strategy."

"Strategy nothing. What do you need that for?"

"You're bigger, heavier and meaner than I am," said Hisagi. "I'm trying to figure out how to use that to my advantage."

"How's that working for ya?" asked Kenpachi.

"Not very good," he admitted. "So…what the hell." He threw his hands up in the air and ran headlong at Kenpachi, grabbing him by the collar as he flew past. Using his body weight for momentum, he spun around, planted his feet and flung Kenpachi past him. The move caught Kenpachi by surprise, landing him on his bottom still inside the ring.

The big man brought his knees up to his chest and laughed. "Didn't think ya had it in ya, Hisagi. Good move! Now for some real fun!" He jumped to his feet and charged Shuuhei, who dodged out of the way just in time.

"Yumi! Loopholes?" he yelled out, running past his friends.

"No. Wait. Yes! Hisagi, good news!" hollered Yumichika. "You don't have to win! You just have to wrestle. It doesn't say anything about winning!"

"Good!"

"Wait," yelled Yumi. "There's bad news!"

"Bad news? What could be worse than this?"

"'Monsters' is plural!"

"WHAT?"

"You have to wrestle at least two!"

"I can't even figure out how to wrestle one and still get out alive. How am I going to wrestle two-ooooo?" He felt himself being lifted high in the air. _The clouds are such a pretty blue,_ he thought. _Shouldn't my life be passing before my eyes right about now?_

"If you stop running around, I'll let ya down gently," said Kenpachi.

"Okay, okay," agreed Shuuhei, who could only see a violent end from that height. Kenpachi lowered him to the ground, but didn't let go.

"Kill him, Kenny!"

"Not now, kid. Tell ya what, Hisagi. I'll give ya an advantage. Pick one of yer pansy friends to come wrassle me too, same time as you."

Shuuhei didn't hesitate. He dashed to the sidelines and dragged a slightly reluctant, but definitely willing Renji into the ring.

The crowd was getting rowdy. They wanted to see a good wrestling match and they were about to get it. Two against one. Hisagi glanced around at the mob, catching glimpses of familiar faces – Yachiru rooting for his quick demise on top of Ikkaku, Kira, Yumichika, Byakuya Kuchiki who was probably there out of deference to the Oomaeda clan's social status, Matsumoto, Isane, Nanao. Nanao! Her serious face made him jerk to life. She was the reason for all of this, so if he was going to risk his life and she was going to watch, he might as well go down in a blaze of glory.

"Now wrassle, damn it," growled Kenpachi.

The two men took a stance on either side of the captain, ready to resume the battle. Renji had a height and weight advantage over Shuuhei, but he was still no match for Kenpachi. Maybe between the two of them, they might have some success.

As if on cue, they both grabbed an arm and pulled. Kenpachi stumbled forward, falling face first on the ground. As he tried to lift himself off the ground, Renji grabbed Shuuhei's right arm and swung him around. Shuuhei found himself leaping through the air, landing squarely on Kenpachi's back, and sending him back to the ground with a thud. A gasp went through the crowd.

"They killed Kenny!" cried Yachiru.

"It's okay, kid. This is starting to get interesting," assured Kenpachi with a toothy grin. "That all you pansies got?" he challenged as he rose from the ground.

"How's this?" asked Hisagi, giving the man a mighty shove backwards with all of his might. Kenpachi flogged the air with his arms, trying to keep his balance, but in short order, he fell backwards over Renji, who was kneeling behind him.

Kenpachi let out a mighty roar that sounding incredibly like a belly laugh. "HA! I think I'm going to have to separate you two jokers." As he rose to his feet, he caught Shuuhei by the kimono, grabbing fabric at the shoulder through the open sleeve hole. "Upsy daisy," he called. As Shuuhei flew through the air, he thought, "I'm gonna die!" His hard landing, a short distance from where his friends were, sent the crowd scattering.

The last thing Shuuhei remembered was looking into the blurry faces of Isane and Nanao. "Crap, I'm dead," he thought, then promptly passed out.

A sprightly voice sang, "We get to go to the water park. We get to go to the water park."

Kira ran over to him. "He's out like a light!"

"Aw, well, at least, there's still one of ya in the ring," smiled Kenpachi sinisterly.

"Time out," called the ref, running over to check on Shuuhei. Byakuya Kuchiki was approaching as well. "Is there a medic here?"

"I am," volunteered Isane. She looked at Kira, then to Nanao, then proceeded with a cursory examination of Shuuhei. "Don't worry; he'll be fine. We'll take really good care of him."

"We'll take him back to the eighth," said Nanao. "It's closer than the hospital unit."

In the meantime, Yumichika was talking to Renji and Ikkaku. "If he's out cold, he can't wrestle a second monster. The task is to wrestle inner monsters. It's plural." Yumi was obviously worried about not completing the task to the letter. To fail at this point of the quest was unthinkable. This was the very last task, the only thing still standing between Hisagi and his date with Nanao in order to save her from her combustible fate.

"I know!" said Renji. "Since I'm already in the ring, I'll declare myself to be Hisagi's second. Since he can't finish, I'll finish for him. There's just one problem."

"What's that?" asked Ikkaku as Yachiru gnawed on his ear.

"Once I polish off Kenpachi, I still have to find another monster to wrestle."

The other two men held back their laughter as best they could.

* * *

**A/N** (1) Another challenge from DolphinWhisperer. This reference comes from the song _Alamo_ by Ken Martin which she was obsessed with for a while.


	24. Battle Royale

**A/N Once again, I have to stop and thank all of you for coming along on the Shuuhei Express with me. Thank you so much to my regular reviewers! I love your comments and knowing that you're getting giggles from my writing makes me very happy.**

**Unfortunately, I will not be able to update as regularly as I have been for the next few weeks. We are going on vacation (I use the term lightly since surgery might be involved - not me) for awhile and will not have good access to the internet. If I can post, I will, but I can't promise anything. **

**After this chapter, next up is the beginning of what I call the 'date askage outage.' Sorry to leave you hanging, but I'll be back on-line as soon as I can. Thank you all again! ;o) By the way, I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"So you're standing in for Hisagi, huh?" said Kenpachi to the red-haired Shinigami before him. "Fine by me. Doesn't matter who I wrassle, as long as they wrassle."

But before the ref could start the match again, it was interrupted by Byakuya Kuchiki.

"Ku-ku-man!" hollered and waved Yachiru from the sidelines. "Wanna go to the water park with us?"

Pointedly ignoring her, the royal stepped over to where Kenpachi was readying himself for the next round. "A moment, Captain Kenpachi, if you please."

"No, it don't please. Make it fast, Kuchiki."

Captain Kuchiki rankled at the informal usage of his name.

"You irk me, Sir," he said, "but I am willing to overlook it if you will allow me to wrestle Abarai in your place. I owe him a royal… hmm, I believe someone of your ilk might call it an 'ass whooping'."

"Yea, I heard about yer ants and yer fancy dance. The ladies say you even managed to make it look all elegant-like. To see someone of _your_ 'ilk' get down and dirty in a wrassling ring is going to be a pleasure. He's all yours, Kuchiki."

"Cap…captain!" stammered Renji, suddenly envying Hisagi's state of unconsciousness. He knew he'd have to pay for the stunt at the bachelorette party, but he didn't think it would be this soon or this public. Up until this moment, it had been totally worth it.

Byakuya removed his scarf, haori and kimono, handing them to a subordinate. Angry red welts and white pustules covered his torso. Lifting his chin, he glared down his straight nose at Renji. "As you might say, Vice Captain, it's pay-back time!"

While Renji and Captain Kuchiki circled each other like panthers ready to pounce, Kenpachi began to grow bored. "I need someone to wrassle!"

He grabbed Ikkaku by the robe and pulled him into the ring. "Wrassle, boy! Yachiru, you gotta move. I'm going to knock him silly and I don't want him to fall on you."

"Okay, Kenny," laughed the girl as she hopped off Ikkaku and onto Kira. "You're bony!" she said, making herself as comfortable as possible on his shoulder. "Does your hair ever move? Ow! Your bangs just bit me." She swatted his bangs. They amused her greatly.

"Poke." (1) She poked his bangs, missed and ended up poking him in the eye.

"Ow! Would you stop that?" complained Kira. "I'm not even in your unit. What are you doing on my shoulder?"

She swatted the bangs again. "Aren't you glad I left it alone this time? … oh wait, never mind…" (2) She poked him in the eye again.

"Stop that, you little runt!" he demanded.

"And yer next." Kenpachi pointed directly at Kira. "Nobody but me talks to Yachiru like that, got it?" To Yachiru, he said, "Stop that, ya little runt. Yer bothering him. Go bother someone in the unit."

As it happened, the man she called Maki Maki was in the crowd. Yachiru spotted him and with a flying leap, traveled through the air in his direction. "Bye, Bang Boy! Poke you later!"

"Good," said a satisfied Kenpachi. "Now I can concentrate on the match. Ikkaku, I'm ready for a good wrassle."

"Preparations first, Sir. I'll give you time to prepare as I dance my famous Luck Luck dance." Amused twittering and laughter went through the crowd as he began to sing and dance. "Who is lucky? I am lucky!" The crowd was thoroughly entertained since the bald man was known to be light on his feet. "None so lucky but me! That's right, I said me! Luck luck luck luck luck luck luck luck….

Kenpachi reached over and shoved him out of the ring.

"Not so lucky now, Third Seat."

"HEY! I didn't finish my dance!" protested Ikkaku, regaining his footing with the help of the people he landed in.

"PAH!" Kenpachi dismissed him with a wave. "I always hated that dance. Yer outta the ring. Stay out!" He walked away, looking for another victim.

The ref came over. "Hey, you can't do that! I didn't say go."

Kenpachi bellowed, "And I say you can go, straight back to yer mama!" and heaved the ref into the crowd. The crowd went wild.

Yumichika, horrified that his friend had been interrupted in the middle of his dance, stepped into the ring in front of the captain. "Now, Captain Zaraki, that was hardly fair. I demand that you wrestle me next, so that I can defend Ikkaku's honor."

"What makes you think I want to wrassle you, ya fruitcake?"

"Fruitcake? Those are fighting words, Captain!" Yumi spread his feet, placing his hands on his legs in a wrestling stance. "You think you can wrestle, then you better start wrestling, because I'm not going to go easy on you!"

Kenpachi peeked over Yumi's right shoulder. "Hey, Fruitcake, ya got something on the back of yer kimono."

"What? I just had this dry cleaned!" cried Yumi. "I've been so careful. What ever it is, get it off. Get it off!" He tried to reach behind himself, turning his whole body around in an odd gyration as it followed his head. "I can't see it. Where is it?"

"Here!" yelled Kenpachi. He grabbed Yumi's orange collar from the bottom, pulling it straight up until it covered his head. He held it there as he led the helpless man towards the edge of the ring. Unceremoniously kicking him in the behind, Kenpachi sent him sprawling into Ikkaku.

Kira began to tremble.

* * *

In the middle of the ring, Renji had his hands full with Captain Kuchiki. Kuchiki was out for revenge. The pair circled and parried, lunged and dodged, attacked and defended. As soon as Kuchiki thought he had a hold of Renji, the red-head would poke some pustules from the fire ant stings, inflaming them all the more. The further inflammation caused them to be itchy, so Kuchiki was scratching and trying to put an end to Renji at the same time. He wanted a quick end to both of his miseries.

Renji, for his part, did not attack unless Byakuya managed to grab him. It was then, and only then, that he employed the sting poking technique, not a technique that he had learned in Shinigami school, but certainly one that was coming in handy now.

By now, Kira was in the ring with Kenpachi, and not by choice. His plan of action, or survival as he tended to view it, was to stay away as long as possible, so he was running around in the ring with Kenpachi close behind.

"I'll give ya credit, Blondie, you're quick. Now slow down, so I can catch ya!"

"OW! Stop that!" yelled Byakuya.

"Slow down so I can catch ya, damn it!" hollered Kenpachi.

"OW! Stop that!"

"Slow down, damn it!"

"OW! Stop that!"

"Slow down, damn it!"

"OW! Stop that!"

"Slow down, damn it!"

And so it went…

* * *

**A\N**

(1) Yep, another challenge from DolphinWhisperer. This one was easy.

(2) 'Aren't you glad I left it alone this time? … oh wait, never mind…' – she typed this on my story when I was away from the computer, and I surprised her by using it.

(3) DolphinWhisperer has created another one of her drawings in response to this chapter. Copy and paste bcollie9./art/The-quot-Wrestling-quot-Match-90407508 Add deviantart dot com (no spaces) between bcollie9. and /art

**;o) Be back as soon as I can.**


	25. Toast!

**A/N NEW CHAPTER! Sorry it's taken so long, but nothing went as it was supposed to on my vacation. I am currently in need of a vacation from my vacation. It was rough, but the surgery patient is doing well now and I am back home. My schedule will still be very crazy for the next few weeks, so I may not be able to update as often as I had been, but I'll try to keep on top of this. Please enjoy! I've missed posting. And yet, through it all, I _still_ do not own Bleach or benefit from it financially. Darn! ;o)**

**

* * *

**After Zaraki had flung the vice captain of the ninth out of the wrestling ring and onto the hard ground, Nanao had drafted two men from her division to carry the unmoving Shuuhei to her captain's office. They had grumbled extensively about missing some of the best wrestling they had seen in years. Miffed, she had peered at them over her glasses and told them that she would personally see to it that they both got a first-hand feel for Zaraki's wrestling style if they complained again. Compliance came swiftly, and under Isane's direction, the unconscious Hisagi was carried through the Seireitei streets to the office of the eighth division.

Once in Shunsui's office, Nanao explained what had happened to the Captain General, Captains Kyouraku and Ukitake, and Vice Captain Sasakibe. The two men were dismissed. On the way out, but not out of earshot, Nanao heard them say something about the 'dragon queen.'

_So be it_, she thought indignantly. _It was my duty to bring him back here and see that he gets patched up._ She watched over Isane's shoulder as the other woman began her ministrations on the unconscious man.

Isane opened his kimono in an attempt to assess any bodily damages, then brought him around with a potion to check for a concussion. He saw her, screamed and promptly fainted. "He'll be fine," she assured the others. "He always reacts that way to me."

She put a cloth dipped in a health restorative potion up to his nose. "He'll sleep for awhile, but other than that, sore muscles, and maybe a headache, I think he'll be fine in a bit. I need to check in with Captain Unohana and tell her what's happened." She packed up her medicines and walked to the far corner of the room for some privacy.

The others, after thanking Isane, returned to their conversations. Sasakibe was fussing over Yama-Jii as usual, much to the older man's displeasure, while Shunsui and Ukitake were sitting and talking casually, although Nanao could feel Shunsui's eyes on her. It angered her to think that she was under this much scrutiny, but at the moment, she could see no way out of the situation. She had brought Shuuhei here, to the eighth, instead of to the fourth division, and now she had to endure the knowing glances of her annoying captain as he began to think that his plan was working.

She gazed at the sleeping man. Maybe in his own way, Hisagi wasn't so bad. After all, he had given her a rose and had performed all kinds of crazy stunts for her even though she hadn't asked him to or even wanted him to. He and his friends had even livened up the dullest bachelorette party in the history of the Seireitei. And now, in this latest stunt of lunacy, he had wrestled Zaraki Kenpachi. _What possessed this man?_ she wondered. Could it be that he might actually like her? A date with Hisagi might not be the worst thing in the world, she thought. At least, it wouldn't be a date with her captain. The first and only time that she and Shunsui had tried a casual date, a pleasant evening of talk turned into a chase, a race and a slap across the face. She shuddered at the thought, then briefly turned her attention to the others in the room.

The two captains were chatting, Isane was still making her report, and Sasakibe was busy pulling caramel corn out of the old man's beard.

"Ow. Watch it, boy!"

"If you would only be more careful, Captain General, we wouldn't have to go through this every time you ate caramel corn. Maybe you shouldn't have any more… ever!" scowled Sasakibe.

"Nonsense," roared the old man. "Caramel corn is the best that the real world has to offer. There is nothing better, except perhaps 'Vermonty Python' ice cream. Make a note, Saskibe. This Ben and Jerry need to be congratulated for their fine ice cream artistry."

"Yes, and I have to clean you up after that too."

Nanao chuckled softly and wondered how the real world ice cream magnates would feel about receiving congratulations from death gods. She let her eyes wander back to the sleeping man in front of her. It was then that she noticed a yellow-gold object protruding from Shuuhei's dark hair. She leaned over cautiously to see what it was. Apparently, he had encountered the hay bales that surrounded the wrestling ring during his tête-à-tête with Kenpachi. For some reason, the hay bothered her. It really bothered her. Her fingers itched to remove the gold straw from his black hair. It didn't belong there; it needed to be removed.

She looked around surreptitiously to make sure that no one was watching, then hesitantly reached out to try to pluck the straw away. Her hand brushed his hair and the softness of it surprised her. She had always assumed that the texture was hard because of his chosen hair style, but instead it felt like satin. Slowly, she pulled the straw from the tangle in his hair, wiped a bit of drool from the corner of his mouth, then let her eyes drift down his sleeping form to his taut unblemished chest.

Her heart leaped into her throat, tap danced a bit on her tonsils and settled back down. Okay, she admitted to herself, so maybe the captain's plan was working – a little. But she would date Hisagi on her terms, not his, and definitely not her captain's.

She grimaced when she saw Shunsui, sitting at his desk, watching and laughing with Ukitake. _He never sits behind his desk. What on earth is he doing there?_ she wondered, until she realized that he had the best view in the house when it came to observing her observing Hisagi.

"Eh, looks like Nanao has found something to interest her, Jushiro," smirked Shunsui from across the room.

_My terms_, she thought angrily. "I'm planting daisies," she said. She inserted one end of the hay into Shuuhei's belly button and walked away defiantly, but not before she noticed that his was an 'innie.'

* * *

He opened an eye to bright lights. Was it morning already? He closed it again and groaned. Why was he so sore?

A soft, far-away voice floated inside his head. It said, "He's waking up."

_No, I'm not_, he argued with the voice. He shut it away in his brain.

"Shuuhei?"

The same voice. _Why can't it leave me alone?_ He complained to himself. But something was different. This time, the voice touched him on the arm. Could voices do that?

"Shuuhei." The voice was gently shaking him this time. _What?_ he asked, silently annoyed as he ascended the stairway to consciousness. About halfway up, he forced open an eye. Before him sat a vision. A gentle touch, a soft voice, flowing gossamer hair. The thought that she was almost as pretty as Nanao drifted through his mind. He sat down on the stairs, chin on his fist, half in and half out of the real world. Nanao, so sweet, so pretty. He felt the warm fuzzies bouncing towards him up the stairs for huggies. Suddenly, they turned and fled. _What the hell_, he thought, _I want my warm fuzzies back_.

"Shuuhei," came the voice again, a little more insistent this time. Again he opened his eye to the lovely vision of…

"Captain Ukitake?" He sat bolt upright on the couch. "Ow, my head!" He pulled a piece of straw out of his navel and looked at it quizzically.

"It's about time, my boy. I've been trying to wake you ever since you first opened an eye. How are you feeling?"

"I…I'm fine. I think. No, wait…" He did a quick mental assessment of his condition as he sank back down onto the couch. He decided the best response was, "Ow."

"Just relax, my boy."

"Why do I feel like a two ton zanpakutou hit me?"

"Maybe because the two tons behind it was named Kenpachi."

"And I'm still alive?" he marveled. "Where am I?"

"You're in the eighth, dear boy. Nanao and Isane brought you back here to fix you up."

"I-Isane? F-fixed me up? What did she do to me?" The panic in his voice was evident.

"Well," began Ukitake, puzzled by Shuuhei's reaction, "she gave you a tonic to help you heal. You've been out for a while."

"Do I have a tail?" asked Shuuhei, feeling around behind him. "Pointed ears? An extra nose? She didn't hypnotize me, did she? Say her name."

"What?"

"Say that she-devil's name."

Ukitake complied with the unusual request. "Isane." (1)

"Did I cluck? I didn't cluck like a chicken just now, did I?" At Ukitake's baffled head shake, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank the higher power."

"Calm down, my boy," said the white haired captain. "You're making a scene."

A giggle came from behind Captain Ukitake, drawing Shuuhei's attention beyond the captain to the others in the room.

The captain general and his vice captain were seated by the large picture window observing the scene, Isane the she-devil was still across the room working with her medical supplies, Kyouraku was at his desk with his feet up, Ukitake was sitting next to him on the edge of the couch where he was lying, and behind him, stood Nanao, the source of the giggle. The lilt of her voice had reminded him of the gentle flow of water in a forest stream, happily gurgling its way along, picking up momentum as it rushed through raging rapids, headed for the long angry drop over the great falls of...the destruction of Ukitake's koi ponds came flooding forcefully back into his mind.

"Captain!" he gasped, trying to sit up. "About your ponds, Sir…I…I am so sorry!"

"Nonsense, Hisagi. No hard feelings. All is forgiven," smiled Ukitake, helping him.

"It is?" asked a confused Shuuhei.

Ukitake continued, "Captain Kyouraku has promised to build me bigger and better koi ponds and gardens, haven't you, Shunsui?"

"I assure you, Jushiro, old friend, bigger and better koi ponds will never be found." The captain in pink pointed his index fingers in Jushiro's direction and winked.

"See? All taken care of, Hisagi. Actually, I should be thanking you and your friends. I've been going to expand for a very long time and now I have no excuse, plus someone else will be performing all the labor, right, Shunsui?"

The cheery smile on Kyouraku's face faded slightly. Through tight-lips, he said, "You bet, Jushiro. Anything you want, Old Friend." Silently, he cursed underestimating the five Shinigami idiots and their uncanny ability to turn a simple saying from a fortune cookie into a massive out-of-control adventure that had the whole Seireitei watching. His back was already aching as he thought about the long hours of manual labor ahead of him, thanks to them. He swore to himself right then and there that he would never open another fortune cookie as long as he lived.

* * *

The door to the eighth burst open like dynamite in a wood pile and four Shinigami came crashing through to the complete surprise of everyone in the room. They were obviously celebrating.

"Hisagi!" yelled Renji to the man on the couch. "Dude, you should have been there!"

"It was a sight to behold!" said Yumichika dramatically.

"Hey, 'Sagi Bottom!" yelled Ikkaku. "How ya feeling, man? You missed it big time!" Ikkaku slapped him on the head, making Hisagi's headache intensify. In fact, everything they were doing was making his head hurt worse. Only Kira hadn't annoyed him yet, which only made him wonder why.

As suddenly as the four had burst through the door, an intense reiatsu flooded the room, making the Shinigami who were present wish that they were basking in the deep humidity of a tropical rain forest instead of this oppressive reiatsu. Just as suddenly, the reiatsu vanished.

"Now that I have your attention," started Yama-Jii, coughing slightly and leaning on his staff, "is it in your training to burst uninvited into captain's offices? I would reprimand your captains for this undignified behavior, but none of them are here. Izuru Kira, yours is on permanent sabbatical. You two," he pointed to Ikkaku and Yumichika, "are products of Kenpachi, are you not?"

"Yes indeed, sir," answered Ikkaku, snapping to attention.

"Figures. Go away." He waved them off with his hand. "Abarai, your actions surprise me after training with the noble Kuchiki. Be thankful he is not here to see this disgraceful display."

"Oh, believe me, sir. I'm very grateful he isn't here right now," said Renji with a thinly veiled smile.

"Don't get smart with me, boy," growled the old man. His brows knit together in a menacing frown. "I know where you have been." He pointed with a bony finger, "And I know where you have been. And you. And you. And you," until he had pointed to all five of the wide-eyed men. They could only look at each other in horror as their raid on the captain general's shower sprang instantly into each man's mind.

"Look, sir, about your…" Renji attempted.

"Is that a cask of sake under your arm, Vice Captain Abarai?" asked Yama-Jii, changing the subject lightly.

"Well, yes, sir," admitted Renji, surprised by the question.

"Wherever did you get it?" asked the old man, suddenly intrigued by the cask. He ran a hand over the small wooden barrel, tracing the staves.

"Um, from Hisagi's office, Captain General."

Yama-Jii's gaze turned to Hisagi who was still sitting on the couch. "And where did you get a cask of sake from the famous Sake-Makers Group of the Rukongai on a vice-captain's salary, Vice Captain Hisagi?"

"You broke into my office, Abarai?" asked Shuuhei, trying to avoid the old man's question. He had no desire to recount to the old man how he had come to be entered in the Miss Warrior Queen Pageant and what he had done to win the afore-mentioned cask of sake. He was pretty sure that Yama-Jii did not want to hear that one of his elite male warriors stuffed his bra.

"Hell, yea, you weren't there," blustered Renji. "We wanted sake. We broke in, we took it, and here it is."

Yama-Jii raised a bushy eyebrow. "A popular thing for you scoundrels to do, wouldn't you say?"

"Only when we need something vitally important, Captain General," said Yumichika quickly. "And we're very good at returning things, as I'm sure you'll find out soon."

"Forget it. I like little Hinamori's Scrunchies. She is my favorite vice captain from now on. She'll get an A on her next report card."

Renji looked at the man in confusion. "Vice captains don't get grades, Sir."

"Good thing for the five of you. F in deportment for all of you," said the old man.

Ikkaku screwed up his face at Yumichika, "Depor…what?"

"Deportment. Behavior," explained Yumi. "He's saying we've been bad."

"Hell," said the bald man, "I thought we did pretty good."

"Now then," ordered Yama-Jii, "open the cask and share your ill-gotten gains."

"Hey, we won it fair and square," protested Ikkaku.

"We?" exploded Shuuhei. He grabbed a copy of the Seireitei Times from a side table and lobbed it at the man. "You mean me! I won it."

Ikkaku ducked. The magazine knocked over a pile of paperwork on Shunsui's desk. "Not without us, you didn't, Shirley."

"That's Vice Captain Shuuhei Hisagi to you, Shine Time. And I wouldn't have had to, if it hadn't been for you morons," scoffed Shuuhei.

"Don't get your pantyhose in a twist, Queenie."

"Your eye shadow's smudged, Door Knob."

"Gentlemen, gentlemen," interrupted Shunsui, stepping over the trail of papers on the floor. "I'm sure it's a story we'd all like to hear someday..."

Hisagi choked at the thought while the other four laughed.

"…but, that delicious sake is getting staler by the minute. Nanao, don't be such a rude host," called Kyouraku abruptly. "Serve our guests liquid refreshments like a good little girl, won't you?"

Nanao gritted her teeth, ready to give him a good scolding. Already seething inside about the paperwork she knew she would have to pick up and reorganize, she held her tongue in front of their guests and the newcomers. Kyouraku would have to wait. Quickly, she pulled Renji into the kitchen by the collar and had him open the sake cask. Returning a few moments later with a tray of bowl-shaped cups and a small pitcher of sake, she poured sake for everyone else as was custom, then Ukitake poured one for her. Yama-Jii held out his cup for seconds.

"So how did you guys get out of the wrestling ring alive?" asked Hisagi after the sake began to flow freely. "Kenpachi was a wrestling maniac."

"You mean 'wrasslin'' maniac," corrected Yumi with a smile.

"I propose a toast. You toasting with us, Hisagi?" asked Renji.

"What are we toasting?" he asked.

"The new Oomaeda Festival wrestling champion."

"We're toasting to Kenpachi?"

"No, actually, the new champion is Izuru Kira!"

* * *

**A/N** (1) You've had a break from them, so I thought I'd throw in another Shameless Plug - _Regression Blues _by Barbellenel. Don't forget _Bleached Ice_ by DolphinWhisperer.


	26. Elephant in the Room

"A toast," said Renji, raising his cup of sake, "to Izuru Kira, the new Oomaeda Festival Wrestling Champion!"

After a stunned silence, Hisagi and the others in the room burst out into uproarious laughter. "Oh, my sides," laughed Hisagi, grabbing at his tender ribs. "Enough joking around already, Abarai! You're telling me that our little Kira here bested mean, tough Zaraki Kenpachi? Ha ha! That's a good one, Renji." He wiped the tears of laughter away with the back of his hand. "Thanks for the laugh. After the day I've had, I needed that. So what are we really toasting?"

Renji was unperplexed. "I'm serious, Hisagi. While you were examining the back of your eyelids, Dagger Bangs here managed to defeat Kenpachi."

"Oh, bravo, bravo," clapped a delighted Yama-Jii.

"Let me have that," said Sasakibe irritably, as he attempted to remove the sake cup from the old captain's hand, "before you spill it all over the place and I have to clean it up."

"Get your own," barked the old man.

"After your paltry performance," Renji continued, "Kenpachi made quick work of both Ikkaku and Yumichika."

"He caught me off-guard," stated Ikkaku angrily.

"You were dancing, weren't you?" asked Hisagi with a smirk.

"Maybe a little," he confessed, "but I was giving him a fair chance to get ready."

"Dumbass," muttered Yama-Jii.

Renji continued, "Then Kira got in the ring and Kenpachi chased after him for a coupla hours. Kira was bookin' it; Kenpachi couldn't lay a hand on him."

"You evaded Kenpachi for a couple of hours?" said Ukitake, looking at Kira. He gave a low whistle. "You must be pretty fast."

"Fast enough when I have to be," murmured Kira bashfully, as he shifted from foot to foot.

Yumichika picked up the story, "Kira just ran and ran around the ring in little hamster-like circles with Kenpachi right behind." Kira was portrayed by the first two fingers of Yumi's right hand as they gracefully 'ran' through the air, followed closely by the first two fingers of his left hand. "He wouldn't stop long enough for Kenpachi to get a hold of him to wrestle," the left hand pounced, but missed, "so Kenpachi got fed up and quit. He stepped out of the ring voluntarily…"

Just as his left hand was about to walk away in defeat, Isane chimed in, "When I checked in with Captain Unohana a little while ago, she was treating him for huge blisters. Apparently he told her that his shoes were new and he hadn't broken them in properly."

Yumi shot her a death glare for interrupting his gloriously acted narration with such a trivial fact. "So anyway," he said with a sigh, "Kira was crowned the new Oomaeda Festival wrestling champion!" He grabbed Kira's hand and hoisted it into the air.

"Didn't think you had in ya, Bobble-head," said Ikkaku, as he slapped the back of Kira's head which wobbled from the blow.

"To Kira!" shouted Renji, raising his cup to the others.

"To Kira!" they echoed, sounds of satisfaction escaping from their lips as they drank.

As the others toasted to his success, Kira fingered the large gold medallion dangling from a heavy chain around his neck. His eyes shone brightly, and if he could have floated away, he might have, except for the fact that if he did, his moment of glory would be over too soon. So he stood there, shining, happy and very, very tired as others admired his medal. "Can I sit down now? My feet are killing me."

* * *

Sake made the rounds freely, not constrained by custom. Shuuhei, feeling much like himself, wandered around in search of Nanao who seemed to be avoiding him. A hand tapped him solidly on the shoulder. When he turned, he saw Isane standing behind him. He jumped slightly.

"How are you feeling?" she asked impassively.

"What do you care?" he snapped back.

"You're officially my patient until I say otherwise, so just answer the question."

"I'm fine."

"Nice short answer." She was offended. "You obviously have no appreciation for what I did for you."

"For me or to me?" he asked suspiciously.

"For you, of course," she answered haughtily. "You were out cold."

"I know you, Isane. You don't forgive and forget that easily."

"Shuuhei, get over yourself. You're not a major concern of mine any more, so I'd really like it if you would just trust me. We could put this bad blood all behind us."

"Bad blood? All behind us?" He looked at the girl through his eyebrows. "For one thing, it's usually my blood and for the second thing, Isane, the last time I asked you to treat me, I clucked like a chicken when anybody said your name." (1)

"Oh, Shuuhei, you're being melodramatic. It was just a little post-hypnotic suggestion and it was only for four days."

"Four days? Four days of living hell! Let me re-introduce you to my friends." He counted on his fingers. "There's Kira, the groin kicker; then Renji, the eyeball gouger; of course, Ikkaku, the thumbscrew tightener; and finally, Yumichika, who will gladly pluck out your nose hairs one by one. Every time I turned around, they'd mention your name and I'd cluck. I clucked in Kenpachi ear. He thought I was calling him a chicken. I barely escaped with my head still attached to my body. Look what he did to me today over a friendly wrestling match. I ask you again, what did you do to me this time, Isane?"

"Nothing, I promise!" the girl protested.

"Too many witnesses?" the man asked shrewdly.

She blushed, "Something like that."

"And I suppose you've told everybody who would listen what a terrible person I am," he stated more than asked.

"I don't think you're a terrible person, Shuuhei," she said softly. "I think you were a misguided boyfriend, that's all. And if by 'everybody' you mean Nanao, I've only said nice things about you."

"How do you know about Nanao?"

"The grapevine."

"You mean Rangiku?"

"Well, yea, Rangiku."

He slapped his forehead, then ran a hand through his hair. "I knew I shouldn't have borrowed that stuff from her. It figures. Her mouth is as big as her…I mean, it figures, is all." He looked at her. "Only nice things, huh?"

"Yea, only nice things," she smiled. "You're a good guy, Shuuhei, but you and I weren't meant to be. Maybe you're destined to be with Nanao."

He shook his head. "What is it with this destiny thing? First Kira and Yumi, now you? I thought you and I were destined for great things too, Isane."

"Don't make me laugh, Shuuhei," scoffed the girl as the smile disappeared. She continued quietly, "Face it. By trying to do the right thing for us, you did the wrong thing. We never had a future, but if you play your cards right, you might have one with Nanao."

"You're being sincere."

"Why are you so surprised? Nanao is my friend and you used to be."

"Look, I don't want to hurt you, Isane, so I'm putting this out there." He watched her face carefully. "Is it okay with you if I ask her out?"

"So ask her. I'm okay with it. Besides," she snapped her fingers three times, "she'll probably turn you down without a second thought."

"Maybe, but if she is my destiny as you and Kira say, then she won't."

"And if she does, then that's your fate, not your destiny. Sort of like you and me, don't you think?"

"You're still bitter."

"Maybe a little, but probably not as bitter as that tonic I gave you the other day to sober you up."

"I KNEW IT!"

* * *

The party soon broke up into groups. The two women gravitated towards each other after Shunsui had finished making Nanao play hostess. Shuuhei, having momentarily given up his attempts to talk to Nanao, joined his friends who had grouped together around Ukitake to recount the glorious tales of the 'wrasslin' ring' as they had taken to calling it. The captain general was by the window, sipping sake, observing all that was going on around him and busily munching on more caramel corn, much to Sasakibe's disgust.

Shuuhei felt a rough hand on his arm and felt himself being forced away from the group. "What the hell?" he said gruffly, trying to see who had a hold of him.

"It's me, Hisagi. We need to talk." He looked into the troubled face of Shunsui Kyouraku as the captain pulled him over to the window close to where Yama-Jii was sitting. Ignoring the proximity to the old man, Shunsui stuck his nose within inches of Hisagi's. "Do you see it, Hisagi?" he said intimately.

"See what, sir? Your nose?" joked Shuuhei, once again uncomfortable with the forced closeness. He sensed more emotional man chat coming on, similar to what had occurred at the spa where this had all started, and he didn't like it. But Kyouraku was a captain and Shuuhei had been trained to listen to his superior officers…damn it.

"This is not a joke, Hisagi. Nanao is starting to fall apart. Look at her." Shuuhei followed Kyouraku's nod and glanced over to the corner where Nanao was repinning her hair in front of a mirror. The two men momentarily lost themselves in thought while they admired the prim, pretty woman as she pulled her dark hair back into its customary style.

Rousing himself, Shunsui called over to her, "Oh, Nanao! Be a dear and come polish my sword. It needs a good rubbing."

She twisted around, saw him waving and retorted, "Rub it yourself, you pervert," before turning back to the mirror in a huff to finish her hair.

"Did you hear that, my friend? A voice filled with anger," the wavy-haired captain said to Shuuhei. "It's only a matter of time before she blows, Hisagi."

Shuuhei gave her stretched out form a final appraising look before returning his attention to the captain again. "Blows what, sir?" he asked innocently.

"Lieutenant Hisagi!" sputtered the captain with a smile. "I knew I made the right choice in you, my boy. Now get your mind out of the gutter, before she spontaneously combusts and all chances of saving her are lost."

"That old line again?" asked Shuuhei as he tried to figure out what the captain's game was.

"You've seen her," spouted Kyouraku. "She reacts violently every time I call her name. Never a civil word, Hisagi. There is only so much a caring man like me can take, watching her fuse get shorter and shorter with each passing day, each passing hour, each passing moment."

"Well, you have been ordering her around a lot, Captain, sir. Maybe if you cut her some slack…"

"I don't mean her temper," snapped the older man. "Need I remind you of the magnificent quest that you have been on and why you went through all of this?"

"Stupidity?" asked Shuuhei.

"Good guess," murmured Yama-Jii to Sasakibe, both listening surreptitiously.

Kyouraku mellowed. "Hisagi, she needs you more than you realize. I know you don't truly understand, but someone like myself who is attuned to Nanao's spirit energy can see how much she is suffering. I can see that she doesn't have much longer before the fires of the personal hell in her soul literally consume her. Can you see it, Hisagi?"

Yama-Jii whispered, "All I can see is how much bull my captain can sling."

Shunsui's hand squeezed the vice captain's shoulder. Shuuhei winced under the pressure since it was the one that he had landed on when Kenpachi had thrown him. "She needs a date with you, Hisagi. She needs you to make her feel like a woman before she bursts into flames."

Shaking himself loose, Shuuhei massaged his tender shoulder. Glancing at Nanao again, he said, "She looks a lot like a woman to me right now, sir. And frankly, sir, not to brag, but I've made a lot of women hot in my time, but unless you're talking about flames of desire, I don't see where just asking her out on a date is going to make that much of a difference."

The captain said earnestly, "Trust me, Hisagi, it will transform this office."

"If a wise man says there is no elephant in the room and a wiser man says there is, who is right?" posed Yama-Jii to his aide.

"I suppose it depends on if you've stepped in elephant dung or not," answered Sasakibe.

"Ooo, very good. I'll have to remember that. Write that down, write that down," he ordered, waving a bony finger. "Now, shush, I want to hear the rest of this." The old man leaned in closer to the pair, his hand in the caramel corn bowl, as Shunsui continued.

"With you as her savior to watch over her and guide her to womanhood," Shunsui paused, "I won't have to put up with…er, be bothered by…I mean, lose sleep agonizing over her." Wiping his brow with a handkerchief, he sighed, "You simply don't know how agonizing these last few months have been."

"That's because she yells too much and it hurts his ears," chortled the old man to his aide, still out of earshot of Kyouraku.

"Knowing that you will have saved my dear little Nanao from a fate worse than a severed soul chain," Shunsui exhaled noisily, "I'll finally be able to let down my guard."

"…and his hair. With her not there to watch his every move, he'll be able to get down with the merry-making; 23-Skidoo as you young people say, eh, Sasakibe?" whispered Yama-Jii.

"Right, sir," answered Sasakibe dryly.

Shunsui continued melodramatically, oblivious to the old man, as he pleaded with Shuuhei. "I won't have to wonder if the poor mystical creature that is my Nanao is going to burst into flames before my very eyes."

"Pah, she's as mystical as this piece of caramel corn," Yama-Jii popped it into his mouth, but it popped right back out onto his beard.

"How do you do that?" asked a frustrated Sasakibe as he cleaned the man.

Shunsui shook his fist at the sky. "I curse her heritage from the very bottom of my soul." He grabbed both of Shuuhei's shoulders this time. "If you ask her out, Hisagi, and treat her like a woman should be treated, she will live long and prosper. It's the only way. And you will come to know the pleasure of Nanao Nirvana, or do I need to remind you of that?"

When Shunsui released him, Hisagi ran his hand through his hair. "You know," said Shuuhei slowly, "I don't know whether to believe your bull or not, but if you want me to ask her out, I'll ask her out."

"Oh goodie! He'll ask her out," rooted Yama-Jii, quietly. He looked at Sasakibe, and added, "They'll make lovely babies." Sasakibe just nodded.

"Nanao needs her knight in shining armor," beamed Shunsui.

"So you're saying that you think I'm worthy of her?"

"Of course, my lad. There was never any doubt." Shunsui's smile could have charmed a hollow into settling down and raising a family.

Unfortunately for Shunsui, Shuuhei was not a hollow. "If there was never any doubt, then why the hell did I have to do all of those inane tasks?" asked Shuuhei, raising his voice.

"A very good question, my lad. You see, I knew you would pass with flying colors," Shunsui covered, "but it was your friends that I was worried about. The tasks were for them to prove their worth to you, you see. Plus, it's tradition. Never mess with tradition."

"Nice save," admired the old man. "I'd be worried about them too. Odd bunch, eh, Sasakibe?"

"Not all of them," answered Chojirou as he glanced towards Ikkaku.

Yama whipped the end of his beard at the man. "No! Now stop that!"

The pink-robed captain moved in for the kill. "Ask her out, take her to a nice upscale restaurant, wine her, dine her, make her feel like a woman and then a little…" Shunsui nudged Hisagi with his elbow, "…you know," he said lecherously.

"Problem is, Captain," said Shuuhei, crossing his arms and ignoring the suggestion, "I'm kinda broke this month. The extra income that I get from Sarah Tay (2) dried up this month since I've been running around all over the place like some crazy idiot…"

"Did you call me?" asked Ikkaku, looking over from the Ukitake enclave.

"No," replied Shuuhei, "not this time."

"Dumbass," muttered Yama.

"What?"

"I didn't call you, Ikkaku." Hisagi turned his attention back to Kyouraku. "So that kind of presents a problem when it comes to taking out Nanao. No money, no date, whether I believe your line of bull or not."

"Not a problem, my boy. I can see why you might be hesitant to believe me, Hisagi, but it's all true."

The old man coughed loudly.

Shunsui reached into his hakama pocket and pulled out a small flat object. "I'll prove it. Here is my Seireitei Express card. Use it how you see fit, just give her the date of a lifetime because, you see, Hisagi, you will be saving Nanao's life, and for that, I'll pay anything. Take her someplace fancy and romantic, won't you? Save her, Hisagi."

"Does she know about this?" he questioned.

"Don't worry," winked Shunsui, "if she refuses, I'll order her to go out with you."

"That's real romantic," mocked Shuuhei.

"Sweep her off her feet, Vice Captain, and make those babies," said the old man to himself.

By now, Shunsui was losing patience with Shuuhei's resistance. "Look, Hisagi, the romance part is up to you. The rest is simple; listen carefully. You ask her out, I pay for it, she's out of my hair for awhile. You don't ask her out, you'll be fixing the koi ponds that you and your overzealous pals destroyed."

"Fine," said Shuuhei. "Threats I can handle. The romance might be a little tougher."

A short distance away, Yama-Jii elbowed his aide. "Let's see what we can do to help this along, shall we, Chojirou?"

* * *

**A/N** Hey, Everyone! Thanks for the reviews and sticking with me. I still don't have much time to work on this, but I'll update as I am able. Next chapter: he asks her out...O.o

(1) Regression Blues

(2) Sarah Tay at the Seireitei


	27. YamaJii Forces the Issue

**A/N Once again, I do not own Bleach. This would have been up sooner but FF was giving me problems all day. Sorry :o(**

**This is it, Folks! The one you've been waiting for. Enjoy, my friends!! **

* * *

Isane nudged the shorter brunette next to her and pointed to where Kyouraku and Hisagi were in deep conversation. "I think he's getting ready to ask you out, Nanao."

Patting her hair into place, Nanao looked at her friend. "Hmm, maybe so. They're certainly conferring about something. And you're sure you're okay with this, Isane?"

"Oh, heavens, yes. I like to torture him, but the fact remains that Shuuhei's a decent guy whose only fault is a misplaced sense of honor at times."

"Well, I hope he won't be heart-broken if I don't fall all googly-eyed into his arms when he asks me."

"Don't worry about that. I warned him," laughed the gray haired girl. "Why don't you give him a break? He can be a lot of fun and you might enjoy yourself. Just don't tell him I said that."

Nanao smiled. "I won't, but that's what I'm afraid of. If I actually have fun, then I'll never hear the end of it from my captain. He thinks he's got me figured out. Throw a handsome man at me and I'll swoon in his arms, get carried off into the sunset and come back with a smile on my face. No thank you. I'm going to play this game my way."

"So you're really going through with it?" asked Isane.

"Of course," said Nanao confidently. "I have my ways of scaring off men. Hisagi is no exception."

"You might enjoy his company," counseled Isane.

Nanao's eyes narrowed as she observed her captain wheedling Hisagi. "Maybe so, but right now, he's a way of getting revenge."

* * *

"You going to ask her out, Tread Head?" Ikkaku elbowed Hisagi as he rejoined their circle.

"That's Lieutenant Tread Head to you." He punched Ikkaku in the arm. "I might."

"You'd better, after all we've been through for you," declared Renji. "If I have to sacrifice my life for crimes against Kuchiki, I at least want to know that you got a date out of it and saved the girl from flash frying."

"So," asked Yumichika, "are you asking her out or not? It's now or never, Prince Charming."

"We're here for you, Shuuhei," added Kira. "We're behind you all the way."

"What a comforting thought," grinned Hisagi. "As if you guys would let me do something foolhardy on my own."

"Fools travel in packs, eh, pack mate?" Renji draped an arm over his shoulder.

"Sheesh, you guys are crazy."

"And you love it," said Renji. "So you're really going through with it then?"

"Hell, yea, if nothing else, she's my meal ticket." He shrugged off the arm.

"What happened to her being your destiny?" asked Kira sadly.

Shuuhei shrugged again, "Maybe, maybe not. I just know that I'm sick of this whole thing. I want it done and over with. And after every thing I've been through and all of Kyouraku's bull that I've had to listen to," he patted the charge card in his pocket, "I deserve a steak dinner on him."

"So what do we get out of this?" asked Renji. "After all, I had to wrestle an angry Kuchiki."

"Wrestle him?" scoffed Ikkaku. "Don't you mean poke him to death, Red? He was a mass of inflammation by the time you got done with him."

Yumichika added, "It was not a pretty sight. After the first one hundred pokes, I couldn't look any more."

Ikkaku gave a low whistle, "He's going to make you pay big time."

"If he ever leaves division four," added Kira.

"I know. I'll admit, getting the best of Kuchiki…twice…tastes pretty sweet, but he owns my ass. That's why I think we should get something out of this date thing, too," hinted the tattooed man.

Shuuhei draped an arm around Renji. "I'll bring you back a doggie bag, pack mate."

* * *

"Well?" asked Ukitake who had joined Shunsui at his desk. The man in the hat stretched languorously. He sat with his feet up and a small pad of paper in his hands. Occasionally, he would tear off a sheet, fold it into an odd shape and throw it at the waste basket. His percentage was about half in and half out.

"He'll ask her out," replied Shunsui, tossing in another one, "but I think I'm losing him on the mystical being stuff. He has too many doubts, but maybe his hormones and those idiots he calls friends will keep him in line long enough for this plan to work. I've come this far, Jushiro, it can't fail now."

"Oh, no, Shunsui, we wouldn't want that, now would we?" Ukitake wagged his finger slowly.

"Stop your sarcasm, Jushiro, and help me. I need this break from Nanao." Kyouraku pleaded his case, "All she does is nag, nag, nag."

"Old friend," Ukitake smiled, "maybe if you actually did your work instead of making her do it all, she wouldn't be that way."

"Ridiculous! Her ill-temper is not my fault," growled Shunsui edgily, ripping off another sheet too quickly. Half was left behind. "Besides, I want to sleep in my own bed again. Yama-Jii's taken over my bedroom, his lieutenant's on my couch and I'm sleeping on the floor. I'm getting aches and pains in places I haven't explored in years."

He launched the smaller projectile at the garbage, falling short. "Plus, I've bought up all of the caramel corn that I could find in the Seireitei and most of it has ended up on my floor instead of the old man's mouth. You should see my bed! He eats in it! And Sasakibe! Don't get me started on that guy." He shook his head. "He has an annoying habit of walking into the bathroom when I'm in the shower."

"Lock the door," suggested Ukitake.

"I told Nanao to fix it three days ago, but she ignored me. Insubordination, Jushiro. I can't take it any more." He wadded up the next piece with a paperclip in the middle and tossed. "Ah, that's what I like to see!" he said as it went in with a thud.

"Why don't you fix it yourself?"

"What a horrible precedent I'd be setting. Then she'd want me to do everything myself, including paperwork and getting my own tea. That's what I have her for. Besides, if I were to do my own work, when would I take my naps?"

"But aren't you going to have to do paperwork and get tea for yourself when Nanao is out on a date with Hisagi?" asked Ukitake.

Shunsui smiled. "Of course not. I'll just have Nanao schedule the other unit members to do those things before she leaves." He twisted another piece of paper into a torpedo shape and launched it at the wastebasket. Seeing the miss, he exhaled noisily. "My little Nanao needs reminded that she should be grateful that I am her captain and that I am not the burden that she pretends me to be."

"Someone is pretending," scolded Ukitake, "and I'm not sure it's Nanao."

Kyouraku sat up abruptly, slapping the pad down on the desk. "Are you going to help me or not, Jushiro? I've got to get the old man and his camping buddy out of here, so that my plans for Nanao and Hisagi can go forward," Shunsui paused, his eyes lit with mischief, "especially if you want me to do a good job on those koi ponds."

Without a word, Ukitake stood up and advanced on the pack. "A word, Hisagi?" asked Jushiro.

"Sure, Captain Ukitake."

They walked over towards the window where Shunsui and Hisagi had been moments before. Yama-Jii and Sasakibe readied themselves for more eavesdropping.

"So, it's coming to an end, I hear, Hisagi. You'll be asking out Nanao?" began the white haired man gently to eliminate any thought that he might be prying.

"Yes, sir. I guess I will," nodded Shuuhei.

"That's good, my lad. She's a fine woman."

"Captain Ukitake, sir, may I ask you a question?" The dark-haired man had always respected Captain Ukitake. Maybe, thought Shuuhei, the captain could put to rest some of the doubts that he felt about Kyouraku's story.

"Certainly, Hisagi. What is it?"

Putting his hand to his chin, Shuuhei stared at the ground. In a moment, he raised his eyes to the captain's and asked carefully, "This stuff about Nanao that Captain Kyouraku has been saying, is it true? I've been so caught up in the adventure and chaos of this so-called quest that I really haven't stopped to sort it all out yet. She isn't really going to burst into flames, is she?"

Yama-Jii snorted.

"Vice captain, I understand your reluctance to believe," said Ukitake, "but there are things in this world that none of us understand. We can only trust that what we are doing is for the greater good. If you believe nothing else, believe that."

"If you say so, sir, but it still seems fishy to me," remarked Shuuhei.

"Unlike Ukitake's koi ponds, eh, sir?" mocked Sasakibe to Yama-Jii.

"Shut up, you fool," Yama-Jii reprimanded, swatting at Sasakibe. "Only I am allowed to make snide remarks." He slapped his hand on his thigh in glee. "Hehe, I'll bet those koi ponds are not as fishy as they used to be."

"Much better than what I came up with, sir," stated Sasakibe flatly, rolling his eyes.

Ukitake's assurances comforted Shuuhei, pacifying but not entirely ridding him of his doubts. "I understand, Hisagi, but I promise you, Captain Kyouraku has everyone's best interests at heart," soothed the captain. "Nanao is a lovely girl if you can get to know her. Give it a try; you might have good time with her."

"I'm always up for a good time, sir," sighed Shuuhei. "Okay, I'll do it. I just have to figure out what to say and I really don't want to do it in front of all these people. It's too much of a spectacle, if you know what I mean."

Reaching out a hand to Shuuhei, Ukitake said gently, "I understand, Hisagi. This is your final and biggest task yet, Vice Captain. You need to ask her out just right. Now, here's what I think you should do…"

"Ridiculous!!" All eyes turned to the captain general who stood, rapping his staff on the floor. "Shunsui," the old man pointed the staff at the pink-robed captain, "why is this taking so long? I have had enough frivolity for the day and Sasakibe is becoming incorrigible again."

The aide looked at his captain and thought, _I get out of line one time fifty-eight years ago and he never lets me forget it…_

"We have been here for days," continued an irate Yama-Jii. "I may look damn good for my age, but I'm not as young as I used to be. I wish to retire to my own bed, instead of sleeping in yours."

Confused, Ikkaku looked at Yumichika. "Yama-Jii and Kyouraku are sleeping together? Did we know about that?"

"Well, I certainly did," blustered Yumichika, secretly wondering how this news got past him. He would have to be careful when he spread it around, so that it didn't look like he had been the last to know.

The old man pointed at Shuuhei. "Slow and steady may win the race, boy, but you're still in the starting block. And you," he pointed to Ukitake, "are not helping. Instead you are putting heavy weights about the boy's ankles, holding him back. 'Just right,'" he scoffed, "Nonsense! 'Spectacle!' Pah! Open your mouth and ask her."

The old man rapped his staff again. "Shunsui, I do not want to spend my last remaining days eating caramel corn in your office and waiting for your slow-poke protégé to sweep your disinclined princess off her feet. The reluctant hero follows the path of least resistance. Get the barriers out of his way and get on with it, already."

Surprised, Shunsui bowed low. "Yes, Yama-Jii."

The sudden outburst from the old man worked better than a mine sweeper at removing the barriers. The atmosphere in the office quieted. Kira shifted from foot to foot. Renji cleared his throat. Isane gripped the chair that Yumichika was sitting in, while Ikkaku eyed Yama-Jii and Sasakibe suspiciously. Ukitake stood near Shuuhei, steadying his nerves, while Shunsui sauntered over to Nanao, putting a hand on her arm. She glared at him until he removed it.

Shunsui took a deep breath and began, "Nanao, my dear little Nanao, I have a little confession to make to you. Now, please don't be mad at your dear old captain, as I have had your best interest at heart this entire time. I will always have your best interest at heart. You see, this is about your happiness, Nanao. I want nothing more than to see you happy." The girl glared at him. "Yes, well," gulped Shunsui, "you see, Nanao, I sent a certain young gentleman, Hisagi here…"

Renji cleared his throat again.

"…and his friends, of course, on a quest, a mission if you will, to perform special ancient tasks or rituals of great importance, in order to prove his worth. As your captain and protector, I could never let you date a man who is not worthy of you..."

"Who asked you?"

"…And the successful completion of these tasks, Nanao dear, proves that Hisagi is just the man for you, completely worthy of dating my precious, sweet Nanao."

Tipping his head towards the others, Hisagi questioned, "I thought you said it was to prove their worth, that I was already pre-approved."

"Our worth?" countered Yumichika. "I'll have you know that we are quality people. Well, maybe not Renji," he paused, "or Ikkaku…or…I see your point."

"Enough," ordered Shunsui. "It doesn't matter. What does matter is…Nanao, my dear little Nanao, how would you like to take some time off and go out on a date? Have a boyfriend? Hisagi here has volunteered to…"

"What?…Be my boyfriend?" came an icy voice. The dark-haired woman pulled herself to her full height and stared up at Kyouraku's face. "You did all of this because you thought I needed a boyfriend? You put them through who knows what just to get me a date so you could get me out of your hair for awhile, didn't you? All of the Seireitei knows about this. They've been laughing at me behind my back and you want to know if I want a boyfriend? One who volunteered, yet! How selfless of him," she sneered. "These buffoons…"

"That's harsh," said Yumichika.

"…have disrupted a perfectly wonderful bachelorette party that could have been the highlight of the social season. They turned a delightful festival full of family traditions upside-down because they wanted to play in the dirt and wrestle. And who knows what else they did, just because you thought I needed a date?" She was yelling now. "Are you out of your mind? First you smother me, then you go out of your way, their way and everybody else's way to get rid of me! Where is your brain? Have you lost it yet again?" She stared at him in disbelief, boring holes in him that made him sweat. He wiped his brow, uncertain of what to do or say next. The red color in her face was as bright as the blood, his blood, which he knew she wanted to spill right now.

Kira nudged Hisagi, "Do it."

"No," he protested.

"Do it." The nudges got harder.

"Do it, Dream Queen," pushed Renji. "We came this far, now do it."

"No," the chokered man said adamantly. "Weren't you listening?"

Ikkaku leaned in over his shoulder, "Performance anxiety, Black Top? Maybe he can't do it when someone's watching."

"Nonsense," countered Yumichika, "he's just needs a little encouragement. Run along now, Hisagi, and ask the pretty little girl for a date. She won't bite."

"She may freeze your ass off with a frigid stare, but she won't bite," laughed Renji.

Ikkaku sneered, "Ya pansy."

"Oh, for Kensei's sake, you're a bunch of idiots!" blurted Hisagi angrily. "Nanao, will you go out on a date with me?"

To Shunsui's relief, she turned her attention from him to Hisagi. "No!"

"No?"

"No!!"

"Fine!"

"Good!" She turned on her heel and walked out the door, letting it slam for emphasis.

"That's settled," said Shuuhei as he headed for the sake.

"It's not settled!" yelled Shunsui. "Go after her!"

"Shunsui, calm down," soothed Jushiro. "It's over. He asked; she said no."

"You call that asking?" exploded Kyouraku in a rare display of temper. "That wasn't the way it was supposed to be! He was supposed to sweep her off her feet!"

"Lay off, man," dared Ikkaku. "That's harsh. He did everything you asked him to do and you're going off on him. That's not right!"

"Ikkaku." Yumichika laid a hand on his friend.

Shunsui's wrath landed on Shuuhei's companions. "I didn't ask you to destroy koi ponds or inflict pain on captains! All you had to do was change a light bulb or help an old woman across the street. You guys are idiots and him…" he pointed at Shuuhei in disgust, "he can't even get a date right! Dumb ass!"

"If you'll remember your fortune cookie, Shunsui," Yama-Jii smiled slowly, "'the wise man tampers not with affairs of the heart.' Who's the dumb ass now?"

"Is he talking about me?" asked Ikkaku to no one in particular.

Inside, Shuuhei was at war with himself. As he began to pour the sake, his hand was shaking, whether from rage or relief, he wasn't sure. Was he really going to just let her walk out the door like that? He heard the arguments going on around him, felt nine pairs of eyes staring at his back, but the only voice that he really heard was Isane's soft one, saying, "Go after her, Shuuhei. Go after her." It took an incredible amount of his will power just to stand there. After everything he had done, the humiliation of the beauty pageant, the instant death he had faced if caught in Yama-Jii's apartment, Byakuya's wrath, Kenpachi's 'wrassling,' the red rose, the soft shape of her back, the petal-soft feel of her hand on his lips, the soft giggle behind Ukitake, the urgent need to find out who was really behind those glasses...

"Fine!" He condemned the cup to the table, wheeled around on his heels, and headed out the door, shutting it hard in his wake.

"Good!" said a satisfied Yama-Jii.

"Hey, Hisagi, catch!" Ikkaku threw a fire extinguisher out the door at Hisagi. "You might need this in case she goes up in flames!"

The old man muttered, "Dumb ass."


	28. Shunsui Gets the Shakes

**A/N Ready or not, here comes another chapter! Thank you, wonderful wonderful reviewers!! I love you all for your generous spirits and kind words that keep me writing. Must. not. let. down. readers. Blessings on all who stop by and choose to spend some time here.**

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"Hey, you! Wait up!" Shuuhei ran down the path after Nanao.

The woman stopped and watched him approach. "It took you longer than I expected," she said, crossing her arms. "I had to slow way down for you to catch up." She looked curiously at his hands. "Why are you carrying a fire extinguisher?"

He looked at the extinguisher that Ikkaku had thrown to him as he had dashed out the door, a bit surprised to see it himself, and dropped it to the ground with a clank. It wobbled part way down the slight slope, arcing off to the side of the path. "What do you mean it took me longer than you expected?" asked Shuuhei.

"I knew you'd be mad enough to follow me. You just took longer to get out the door than I had figured on. Other men would have been right behind me. I guess that means you're not a hothead." She gave her glasses a push.

"I haven't figured out what you are yet," answered Hisagi snidely.

"Don't get cutesy with me, Hisagi." She wagged a finger in his direction. "I'm the answer to your dilemma."

He reared back in surprise. "My dilemma? And what dilemma is that, Miss Nanao-It-All?"

"It's simple really." She pointed towards the window where the curtains were moving ever so slightly. "They're watching, you know."

"I'm aware of that," he said flatly.

"You rushed out here to find me, so you still need to save face with the captain. I imagine he forced you to come after me."

"I came out here because I wanted to. No one forced me to do anything."

She looked at him quizzically. "The party?"

"Did it cause I wanted to."

"The wrestling?"

"That too. On my own."

"Interesting. I wouldn't have gathered that from what I saw. But you still need to save face in front of the captain, am I right?"

"You could have done that in there!" he raged, stinging from her comment about his wrestling performance. "A simple 'yes' would have sufficed."

"Don't be silly," she said haughtily. "I can't give my captain the satisfaction. If I had said 'yes' in there, he would have won his little dating game, and I can't have that. I'd never hear the end of it and my life would become a walking nightmare, not that he doesn't make it that way now with his incessant demands on my time and patience. No, I'm playing this game my way." A small smile tipped the ends of her mouth. She pulled back her shoulders and looked intently into his gray eyes. "Quite frankly, Mr. Shuuhei Hisagi, after giving it some thought, I had determined that it would be to my benefit to go out with you and I decided to say yes if you asked me out. I figure that any man who would invite that much trouble for a date with me might be worth the time to get to know. You asked once and I won't make you ask again. Find a nice restaurant and pick me up tomorrow at seven."

Shuuhei's head was swimming. The woman had dumped him on the ground, kicked him around a bit, then picked him up and dusted him off. For this, he should be grateful? Plenty annoyed, he said sharply, "Geez, you talk a lot. What makes you think I still want to go out with you? You were pretty ruthless in there."

Nanao bowed her head slightly, lowering her eyes. "I know and I apologize for that, but what you don't understand is that Captain Kyouraku has been pulling your strings right from the start."

Shuuhei's anger dissipated. He laughed, "No, what you don't understand, Miss Nanao Ise, is that I know he's been pulling my strings all along. Fact is I've kinda enjoyed myself, well, except for the high heels. Long story."

"It's okay, Rangiku already explained."

"Yea, the mouth that was heard around the world. Here's the deal. I stole from an old man who was in the shower. I impersonated a woman, may I never wear false eyelashes and high heels again. I crashed a party at the home of the most vindictive captain alive. I re-landscaped the fight arena with little fishes, and I escaped with my life from Zaraki Kenpachi. Oh, and I survived Isane fixing me up. So why did I do all of this? Because your captain told me I had to, in order to save you from a fate worse than death."

"Thank you, I'm sure I've been saved many times over by now."

"More importantly, I did it all because I wanted to. Fact is I wanted to get to know you. But after all of these gyrations and machinations to get a date with you, you tell me 'no' in front of everyone who has the power to make my life a living hell." He shook his head with a resigned chuckle. "I should be furious, but you know what, Nanao, I'm over it. I've actually had a good time, so whether or not you go out with me is beside the point. I guess I don't care any more. I've had my fun and I'm not in jail. It's time for me to gather up my toys, go home and get back to the business of running the ninth." Hisagi turned to leave. "Seems like the journey was worth more than the pay-off."

His words surprised her. "You can't go," she exclaimed, grabbing his arm. "I can't let him win on his terms. I had no choice, Hisagi. I had to say no to you in there in front of him, but I'm saying yes out here. If I go back there without a date, he'll be insufferable and keep trying this again and again with less desirable men than you."

"It's nice to know that there are one or two others below me on your scale of undesirability," he said, rather amused by the girl's distress.

"That's not what I meant. I think you're desirab…I mean, what I meant was…Look, I've never begged for anything in my life, Hisagi. I didn't ask to be put in this situation. My captain did this to both of us without our consent, but you know what? He was right about one thing. You went through a lot for me; I at least owe you one date. After that, you can pack up your toys and go home, okay? We never have to see each other again and we don't even have to enjoy the date, but I need for us to go on a date to get my captain off my back, do you hear me?"

"I hear you. So now, after dissing me in front of my friends and saying I'm rather objectionable, you're asking me for a favor?" He shook his head. "Incredible."

"You need this date as much as I do," she insisted.

He looked at her like she was crazy. "No, I don't."

She laughed lightly. "C'mon! A manly man like you? Turned down by a mousy little librarian-type like me? Can't wait till that gets around the Seireitei. Your hot-papa quotient is going to plummet. The girls that think you're such a good catch now are going to toss you back into the koi ponds that you and your cronies created. And the guys! When they find out that I turned you down, they are going to ride you so hard, you'll be begging me for a date. I can hear Tetsuzaemon Iba now. Can't you?" She lowered her voice to imitate the seventh squad vice captain, "'Hey, Hisagi, need a date? Bet your zanpakutou won't turn you down.' So what do you think, Mr. Vice Captain Shuuhei Manly Man Hisagi? You need this date maybe even more than I do."

Realizing the truth in her statement, his eyebrows furrowed as he grumbled, "Fine, it's a date, but I guarantee I won't enjoy it."

"I won't either. Find a nice restaurant and pick me up at eight."

"You said seven earlier, or is that too much time out of your busy schedule?"

"Fine, seven. Date?"

"Deal. We'll shake on it."

"I'm a woman of my word."

"And I'm a man of mine. I promised the captain I'd save you from yourself, so now I'm saving you from him. Now shake."

"Fine, but don't forget that I'm saving you too," she said as they shook hands.

"Fine," he repeated irritably, pushing thoughts of how soft her hand was out of his head.

"Good night, then."

"Tomorrow at seven. Be ready," he ordered.

"Fine. I will be," she countered. "Don't be late."

They headed off in separate directions, neither one going back to the eighth.

"I'll be on time. Make sure you're ready," he called over his shoulder.

"I'll be ready. Make sure you're on time," she replied.

"You just had to have the last word, didn't you?"

"Of course."

"Figures."

"Hey!"

"Ow! Damn fire extinguisher."

"Clumsy."

* * *

"What are they doing out there? I can't see," complained Kira, poking his head up under the closed curtains in the office. The remaining Shinigami, except for Shunsui who was pacing, were squeezed together on the floor in front of the picture window, where if they peeked, they could see Nanao and Shuuhei talking down the path.

"Get down. They'll see you, moron." Renji grabbed his head and pushed it under Ikkaku's armpit, leaving the rest of Kira's body awkwardly positioned as it attempted to stay attached to his head.

"Gah!" gagged Kira.

"Ah, shut up, it ain't that bad," said Ikkaku from his seat on the floor. "I showered a coupla days ago."

"I want to see," said Yumichika, bobbing out from behind Ukitake at the opposite end of the window. "Isn't this romantic? Are they kissing yet?"

"I'm afraid not," said the captain, spying on the couple. "It looks like they're arguing."

"Arguing? Ooo, that's not good," said Kira's head.

"No joke, Blondie," said Ikkaku as he noogied the head. "Your roots are showing."

"Ow. I don't have roots," protested Kira's head. "I'm a natural blond. You must be talking about Yumichika." His arm pointed to the raven-haired man.

"What about me? I heard my delightful name being mentioned." A smiling Yumichika peered over the captain general as he conversed with Isane.

"Kira says you dye your hair."

"I beg your pardon!" Yumi's hands flew to smooth his perfect hair. "Whether I do or do not retouch my roots now and again is of no concern of yours, Mister. I am mortified that you would even suggest such a thing, Kira. This is all natural beauty, I'll have you know, and if you don't believe me, I have just one thing to say. Ikkaku, slice and dice him!"

"Now look what you've done, you idiot. Yumi's upset. Apologize, Kira." Ikkaku shook the head under his arm vigorously.

"Why?" asked the head. "Perhaps he's forgetting about that little sock incident from the pageant."

"Little sock is right," chuckled Renji.

A foot belonging to Kira's body kicked out at Renji. "Oh, shut up, Renji. You're a poop."

"And you're a blond. Remember that." Renji poked him in the ribs. "Hey, 'Zuru, why did all of the blonds at the rally keep tripping over their shoelaces? Because instead of 'Blonds unite,' the banners read 'Blonds untie!' HA! That's a good one." He slapped Kira's thigh.

"You're assuming blonds can read," said Yumichika snottily, crawling to join them at the other end of the window.

"You four idiots, keep it down or I'll kick you out of here," scolded Shunsui. "Let go of him!" Ikkaku obediently released Kira's head. He was glad to be reunited with his body.

"What are they doing now?" asked Isane timidly. She was situated uncomfortably close to the captain general, whose position of authority intimidated her anyway. While the others had been busy with Kira, he mentioned to her that he had been intrigued by her strands of long hair and had asked how she kept them so neat. The only sound that had come out of her mouth had been a guttural 'gl' which had stuck in her throat. The captain general had called it 'an odd, but interesting idea' and had told her that he had never thought to use glue to keep his beard in place. She didn't know why she had made that sound, and she could only hope that he wouldn't try it.

"I can't watch," said a pacing Shunsui. "This is worse than battling a room full of hollows with a wooden stick."

"If it's a pointy wooden stick, you could skewer 'em," said Ikkaku, "right through the hole."

"They're still talking," said Ukitake, peeking out the side of the window, "but Nanao pointed to the window a few moments ago. I think they know we're watching."

"This is most exciting," said Yama-Jii, rubbing his palms together. "It feels much like the old days, eh, Sasakibe? A little espionage, some surveillance, a little snooping around where our noses don't belong."

"Undercover work," nodded Sasakibe, watching Ikkaku and Yumichika as they jostled for position under the window. A shove from Yumi sent Ikkaku backwards with flailing arms. Instinctually, Sasakibe reached out to steady the follicly challenged Shinigami.

"You got your hands on me, dude," said Ikkaku, looking behind him at the vice captain.

"Just helping you with your balance," Sasakibe smiled.

"My balance is fine," growled Ikkaku. "Take a hint, dude. Move it or lose it."

"Sasakibe," warned Yama-Jii, "Remember what we've talked about."

"But, I'm innocent…" He started to protest. Realizing that his objection would fall on deaf ears, Chojirou moved slowly away from Ikkaku. "Yes, Captain General, sir."

Yumichika elbowed the third seat. "Ikkaku, look at him." He forceably yanked Ikkaku's head around to where Sasakibe was slumped against the wall, lost in thought. "It's pitiful. He was trying to help you. Throw him a bone," Yumi urged.

After a moment of uncharacteristic thought, Ikkaku's face lit up. He called over to the man, "Hey, Sasakibe. Dude, like if you're ever around the eleventh and you wanna, you know, spar or something, just ask for Yumichika. He's available."

"I said a throw him a bone, not me," complained Yumi.

"Oh, I thought you said throw him something bony. How about Kira? He's pretty bony."

"He may be bony," sniffed Yumichika, "but he certainly isn't pretty. Well, not like me, anyway. Could be his type though. There's no accounting for taste."

"Hey, Sasakibe," snickered Ikkaku, "how do you like blonds?"

The vice captain's eyebrow shot up as he gave Ikkaku a lusty look. "Bald."

The third seat's face turned cabbage green. "Gonna hurl. Gonna hurl."

Sasaskibe smiled wickedly to himself as he relaxed against the wall with his hands behind his head. "That felt good."

"Someone," declared Yama-Jii loudly, "will have to help me off the floor when we have finished spying on our lovebirds."

"Yama-Jii, are you ill?" asked a concerned Ukitake. "Are your joints stiffening up on you?"

"No, no, nothing like that, Jushiro," assured the old man. "It's my beard. I trip over it when I try to get up, and then it becomes untidy and Sasakibe has to straighten it out again. He does not have the gentlest of brush skills."

"If you wouldn't get so much stuff in it…" muttered Sasakibe.

Yama-Jii found Isane. "Glue works well for control, you say, young lady?"

Isane wanted desperately to slither down the wall and into the floorboards.

"Someone tell me what they're doing now. Are they kissing yet?" asked Shunsui, wringing his hands.

"No, no, but look at the body language. She's touching his arm," sighed Yumichika, gazing out the center of the window in full view of Shuuhei and Nanao, had they cared to look. "That's so sweet."

Renji thrust his head up too. "I think he's telling her to go to hell."

"Don't do it, Hisagi!" yelled Shunsui at the curtains as he paced the room. "Ask her out again. Nanao, I order you to go out with him!"

"Forget it, Shunsui. They can't hear you," said Ukitake.

"Damn it! Why did I have to have this office sound proofed?"

"Something about snoring in the middle of the afternoon, if I recall," said Yama-Jii with a snort.

"Look at it this way, Captain Kyouraku. At least, they're talking to one another and not yelling," said Kira.

"Wait, good news, Shunsui. He's moving in," reported Ukitake. "He's extending his arms."

"A hug? He's going to hug her?" Shunsui stopped pacing and eyes wide, watched Jushiro for news.

"No, just one arm. She's…she's…she's shaking his hand."

"Shaking his hand?" Shunsui puzzled. "A hand-shake? A HAND-SHAKE? THEY SHOOK HANDS? WHERE'S THE KISSING?"

"Shunsui, calm down."

"They can't shake hands." He removed his hat and ran a hand over his hair. "They should be kissing by now."

"Bull," said Ikkaku, "All solid deals start with a hand-shake. He was just warming her up."

"Did she agree to go on a date with him yet?" asked Kira.

"They shook hands, didn't they?" commented Ikkaku. "How much more connected can they get, you know?"

"But he shook her hand!" sputtered Shunsui.

"Dude, we know that," said Renji.

"Calm down, Shunsui." But even Ukitake's soothing voice could not placate Nanao's captain.

"It's certainly an unorthodox method of courtship," observed Sasakibe.

The captain tore at his pink robe. "UNORTHODOX? HE SHOOK HER FREAKIN' HAND!"

"Well, she shook his too, captain," Yumichika pointed out. "My guess is that they at least have an agreement about something."

"Agreed," said Yama-Jii. "That's the first smart thing you've said all evening. They have most likely agreed on a fitting demise for her captain. Pity really, they would have made lovely babies together. Don't you agree, Shunsui?"

"Sake! I need sake! NAN…SOMEBODY GET ME SOME SAKE!! DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?"


	29. That Nasty, Nasty Man

**A/N Enjoy! I don't own it, but I'm having a heck of alot of fun with it. There's still a long way to go before the end of the story...you poor people. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

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Even though he was at last back in his own bed, sleep would have evaded Shunsui Kyouraku that night, had it not been for the cask of sake that he had refused to give back. Yama-Jii and Sasakibe had packed up and vacated the eighth when it had become apparent that neither Hisagi nor Nanao were returning to the office and the caramel corn was running low.

Isane had been called back to the fourth division. Byakuya Kuchiki had became an uncooperative patient, terrorizing the medics quite elegantly as only Byakuya could, overly impatient to be healed in order get his royal hands on a certain red-head. Upon hearing this, the other three Shinigami took Renji to a bar so that he could contemplate his future as headless, armless, and legless over more sake and turpentine or whatever other libation was strong enough to blot out that vision of his future. Ikkaku called him 'spineless' as well, which was answered with a punch to the third seat's kidney.

Nanao had gone home. Hisagi was reported to have beaten the stuffing out of numerous practice dummies throughout the night.

The next morning, after a restless night's sleep helped somewhat by the alcohol, a disheveled Shunsui, clad only in a t-shirt, boxers and a robe, emerged from his bedroom to find Nanao straightening the office.

Hiding his surprise, he scratched and yawned, "Ah, Nanao, there you are, my dear. You didn't come back to the office last night."

"No, I didn't, did I?" answered the woman, intent on picking up oddly shaped bits of paper from around the waste basket.

"How did you spend your evening?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Just fine, thank you."

He paused briefly to assess her frosty reply. Deciding that a new tact was in order, he asked, "How about breakfast?"

"No, thank you. I already ate," she replied, hiding her face from him.

"I meant my breakfast," corrected the captain.

"There's the kitchen," she nodded towards the galley. "You're not helpless."

"Ah, but my dear Nanao, it tastes so much better when you cook something for me." His voice had taken on the whine of a youngster. "Pleeeze?"

His entreaty was met with silence as she busied herself fluffing pillows and refolding blankets on the couch where Shuuhei had lain.

"Nanao, please," cajoled Shunsui. "Forget breakfast. We can't go on like this. You know I don't like it when you're mad at me."

"Then you must really be hating this because I'm furious," she said in a businesslike tone, moving to straighten out the papers that had gotten knocked over the night before. "And how was your night, Captain?"

"Lonely," he pouted. "My company left last night and my lovely Nanao was not here to talk to."

"At least, you got to sleep in your own bed. Did you change the sheets first?" she asked, buffeting the stack of papers on the desk to align them.

"No, but I dusted them off. I'm afraid there's a lot of popcorn on my floor that will need to be cleaned up."

"I'll get the broom and dustpan for you." She looked at him critically. "You have popcorn in your hair."

"If I let you pluck it out of my hair for me, promise me you won't put it in my belly button, eh, Nanao?" winked the captain.

"I wouldn't come within ten feet of your navel."

"Speaking of Hisagi…"

"We were?"

"Of course, didn't you get my clever lead-in with the belly button? Hisagi, hay, belly button? Or have you forgotten about planting daisies?"

She rolled her eyes and walked away. He followed like a bloodhound sniffing out a scent.

"Please, Nanao, don't leave your old captain hanging. They told me you two shook hands last night."

"You didn't see it?" she asked, straightening some books.

"No, I couldn't watch," he admitted.

She glanced in his direction. "Well, at least you have some decency left. Close your robe. Yes, we shook hands."

"I was hoping you would kiss," he smiled.

"Kiss? I hardly know the man." She began to gather the sake cups from various locations. "Don't let your fantasies carry you away. The hand shake was almost too intimate."

"What did you shake on?"

"My, we're nosy this morning, aren't we?" She carried a tray of used sake cups to the kitchen as Shunsui followed behind.

"Nanao, please, I know you're angry with me…"

"Furious," she reminded him.

"…but I am still your captain. I really don't want to order you to tell me."

"No, but you would have had no qualms about ordering me to go out with him. Fine, I'll tell you. We agreed to go out on one date and we shook hands on it. That's all."

"So you're going out on a date after all, eh?" The delight in his voice was unmistakable. He had tossed and turned last night, not sure whether his plan was still in motion or not. Now with confirmation of a date between Nanao and Hisagi, the wheels in his head were rapidly spinning as he plotted how to use it to his advantage.

Nanao paused, sighed, then dumped the tray into the sink with a clatter, wheeling around to face him. "Yes, I'm going on a date with him, but only to figure out why every woman in the Seireitei is so hot for him. I've heard all sorts of sordid rumors about him and I want to know if they're true."

Pulling her glasses down on her nose, she peered over them at her captain, making him nervous. "Besides, I heard from the grapevine that he's a very good kisser. Experienced and all. And since it might make a good research project, I need to find out first hand." She pushed the glasses back up.

Shunsui was rather startled by her admission. Kissing? A research project? First hand? Would she ask him to participate? These thoughts rushed through his mind, but he could only stammer, "G-grapevine?"

"Yes, he and Rangiku are not just drinking buddies, you know. She knows all about him and his rather peculiar talents. Isane and Kiyone say, and I quote, 'two on one was never so much fun'..."

Shunsui's jaw dropped open.

"…SoiFon kissed him because she wanted to see why Yourichi kept grinning every time she saw him. A little jealousy there, I think. The sheer pleasure of that kiss with Hisagi almost brought SoiFon to her knees. Can you imagine the second division captain on her knees in front of any man?"

His jaw dropped another inch. "No, can't say that I can." He shook the vision of the petite woman kneeling hungrily in front of him out of his mind.

"And Captain Unohana said she never felt so alive. Nemu said the same thing, although I'm not sure she would know the difference. Then there was Rukia, although Renji wasn't happy about her hooking up with Hisagi, and Yumichika and Sunni in the sixth…"

"But she's getting married, am I right?" he asked, obviously puzzled by what he was hearing.

"Yes, so don't tell her fiancé." She took an imaginary key, locked her lips, then motioned as if she were throwing it away.

"Wait, Yumichika Ayasegawa, the pasty fellow with the feathers? Him, too?" He was kicking himself. Why hadn't he seen this side of Hisagi before?

"So I'm told. Oh, and that blond in the third."

Of course! It all made sense now. "Izuru Kira, right?"

"There are other blonds in the third, you know," she scolded.

Shunsui's confusion returned like a boomerang. "This is the first I've heard of this…"

"You're being silly. Why wouldn't there be other blonds in the third?" Nanao ignored his befuddled expression and pressed on. "Hisagi's really very sexy, don't you think? Those chiseled cheekbones, those tantalizing scars. I just want to rake my fingers along them. And that tattoo! What is that about, huh? I can't wait to see his other tattoo. It'll be very interesting to find out if the rumors are true, don't you think?" She leaned towards him and elbowed the air.

"Other tattoo?" he asked weakly.

"Oh, yes, the girls told me all about it. It seems that in order to be able to see it, a certain part needs to be moved out of the way, if you know what I mean." She winked.

"How could I not know about this?" Shunsui was genuinely stunned. Here was a side of Hisagi, whom he had thought to be a gentle rogue with a kindred spirit, which was beyond anything Shunsui had ever heard about the man.

Nanao rambled on. "Oh, yes, it seems he's a real bad boy and I like 'em bad, the badder the better. Just the thought of him has my engine purring, let me tell you. Bad is good, huh? A little skanky spanky hanky panky, you know?" Touching her index finger to her tongue, she stuck out her heavily robed rear in his direction, then placed her finger on it. "Tssssssss…Hot!" Her motions threw him off guard and it took Shunsui a moment to recover.

"Nanao, perhaps you're rushing into this date with Hisagi a little too quickly." He wiped some sweat from his brow with the edge of his robe. Not only had he learned that Shuuhei Hisagi was a nasty, nasty man, but now he was learning more than enough about his beloved, angelic, straight-laced vice captain, most of it stuff he had dreamed about, but never dared hope for. To his surprise, it was unsettling.

"Nonsense," the girl said breezily. "If I catch his disease, Isane assures me that she can cure it with a simple injection."

"Nanao, I forbid you to date Hisagi!" his voice rose an octave and cracked from the explosive force of his anger and confusion.

"You set up this date. I'm sure you knew what you were doing," she patted his arm. "I want your blessings."

"No, I refuse. Hisagi is a worse cad than even I imagined! He is corrupting you! I cannot accept this. You are too precious to me, Nanao, for me to allow you to date a man of such low moral character."

"But the tasks…," she asked innocently, "I thought he was worthy."

"Hang the tasks! You are not going out with him and that is final!" Left-over kernels of caramel corn jumped in a bowl as he slammed his fist down hard on the counter.

"Relax, Captain," she said with a self-satisfied air, "I'm pulling your leg. I made it all up. Now do I have your blessings or not?"

"None of it was true?" he asked dubiously.

She turned towards the sink, righting the tray that she had dumped, quite pleased with her performance. "Not a word, on my honor as a vice captain."

"Oh. Well, good." He stood gazing at the floor, one hand on his hip, the other stroking his beard, as he struggled with his thoughts. "I knew that." He grabbed the counter as his knees wobbled a bit.

"By the way, I'm taking the rest of the day off to get ready for my date tonight. I'm meeting Rangiku and the girls and they're going to give me the _real_ dope on Hisagi." She disappeared into the office, calling behind her, "And you don't have to worry. The real grapevine tells me that he's a nice guy."

"B-but where are you going?" He followed helplessly. "How will I know that my precious Nanao is okay?"

"I don't know where we're going, but if I'm in danger of losing my virtue, I'll send you a hell butterfly and ask your permission, okay? See you later." She danced out the door, leaving a baffled, yet relieved Shunsui Kyouraku behind.

True to his nature, he didn't let her prank get the best of him for too long. "I must speak to Jushiro. We need to find out where they are going tonight. I wanted a rogue, but perhaps I underestimated the boy. She said she was kidding and none of it was true, but still, there must be some truth to it. If Nanao does like bad boys, then I have nothing to lose by encouraging their relationship. Perhaps I can even help it along. A little bad from him might go a long way to loosening her up for me, and that might make the office a rather interesting place. My plan just keeps getting better and better. Oh, Kyouraku, you've done it again. "

After he finished congratulating himself, he headed towards the bedroom to change. "I wonder what she meant by parts that had to be moved out of the way." He began to pull on his pants over his boxers. "Oh, I get it now! A tattoo on his…Ouch. I hope she was kidding about that, too."

* * *

**A/N** Thank you, Mr. Magoo, for many wonderful memories!


	30. Uber Yumi Helps Out

**AN The date's a-comin'. I've had some writer's block on it, but I think it's clearing. In the meantime, enjoy our crew as they get ready for it. ;o) The date, not my writer's block.**

* * *

"It's called a neck tie." Yumichika held up a length of fabric tied in a loop.

"A neck tie? It looks like a leash," said Hisagi, examining the piece. Yumichika had promised to stop by his private rooms at the ninth headquarters with a surprise for his date tonight. It did not surprise him that Ikkaku had come along too.

"Goes with your dog collar, eh, Mr. More-Than-68-But-Not-Quite-70?" Ikkaku snorted. "Get it? More than 68 but not quite 70? You know, 69? Like your tattoo?"

"I don't wear a dog collar. Why are you here anyway? And where are the other two idiots?"

"I'm Yumi's assistant," he said with a hint of proud. "Renji's in hiding from Kuchiki and Kira's running from Kenpachi."

"As long as they don't show up here. And don't you get in the way either," he warned. He was nervous, but was trying not to show it. Unfortunately, it made him a bit cranky. He asked Yumi, "So how do I wear this thing?"

"You wear it with one of these white shirts like you have on and a jacket. Here, try it," said Yumichika, sliding a partially tied neck tie over Shuuhei's head. He adjusted the tie under the collar and tightened. "There. Perfect!"

"It's uncomfortable," said Shuuhei, pawing at the tie.

"Give it a chance," said Yumichika. "It'll grow on you."

"Like a fungus," added Ikkaku.

"You're a fungus," said Yumi to his bald companion.

Ikkaku threw an arm over Yumi's shoulder, "I grew on ya, didn't I?"

"Come to think of it, you do look a lot like a mushroom."

"This is too tight," complained Hisagi again. "I wear a choker, remember? I know tight when I feel it."

"Nonsense. You look wonderful," Yumi said, slapping Shuuhei's hands away from the tie. "Try on the pretty jacket I got you at one of those uber-pricey stores in the real world." He held up a suit bag and gave it to Ikkaku. "Take the jacket out of the bag, please, Ikkaku."

"Sure," said the bald man, taking the suit bag and reaching for his zanpakutou.

"No, no, no," scolded Yumi. "Use the zipper!"

"You take all the fun out of everything." Doing as he was told, Ikkaku unzipped the suit bag and pulled out a beautiful wool jacket.

"Isn't it gorgeous?" asked Yumi, stroking the soft wool. "It's pure virgin wool."

"Great, my jacket won't be getting any tonight either," Shuuhei complained, pulling on the herringbone tweed with leather buttons and suede elbow patches. He examined himself in a mirror, taking particular note of the sleeves, especially the elbows. "It's been patched. You got me a ripped-up jacket?"

"No, you fashion disaster, those are elbow patches. They're supposed to be there."

"Yea, Shu-Face, those patches are supposed to be there. Yumi, remind me why that is again?"

Ignoring Ikkaku, Yumichika asked, "Don't you know anything about real worlder dating attire, Hisagi?"

"No, not much," Shuuhei admitted. He pulled at the neck tie. "Are you sure this is supposed to be this tight?"

"Absolutely. Trust Yumichika, darling."

"The last time I trusted you, I ended in high heels and a wig."

"But damn, you looked good." Shuuhei tried to whack Ikkaku on the head, but the sleeves of the jacket limited his movements.

"Well, at least, this time," quipped Yumi, "you're properly gendered."

Shuuhei pawed at the tie again. "Seriously, Yumichika, I think this strangly thing is too tight."

"Don't be ridiculous. You just don't know fashion, that's all. They all wear them that way. It's the rage." Appraising Shuuhei with a fashionista eye, Yumi sighed unhappily. His hands took on a life of their own, picking lint, straightening lines, tugging and pulling until at last, the pretty man was satisfied with the result. "You'll do. Are you looking forward to your date with Nanao?"

"I suppose," said Shuuhei slowly. "I'm to the point where I want this done and over with. I'm tired of all the running around. My paperwork has suffered and my subordinates have been running the Seireitei Times and not doing such a great job. I've had to quash three articles my third seat wanted to run about this stupid quest, complete with pictures."

"Was I in them? Did they mention me? Did I look good? Silly question; don't answer. Of course, I did."

"I hope they got my good side," said Ikkaku.

Yumi snickered.

"What's so funny?" Ikkaku was mildly irritated. "I have a good side."

"You may have a good side, but I assure you, Ikkaku, that they didn't have enough time to look for it," laughed Yumichika. "We've been friends for years and I still don't know where your good side is."

"Seriously, guys, can we talk about me for a change?" asked Shuuhei, a bit annoyed by the banter of his two friends.

Yumi's eyebrows shot up. "My, aren't we narcissistic today?"

"You're always narcissistic. I need to talk." _Oh, gawd_, thought Shuuhei, _emotional man chat. Not me, too._ With a groan, he continued, "This date worries me. I don't think Nanao is really that into this." The dark-haired man shook his head. "The only reason that she seems to have agreed to go out with me is to get revenge on her captain. I think this is a mercy date to her. It gets me off the hook with him and it gives her more ammo to blast him with. I don't want to be around when she finally confronts him 'cause there's going to be hell to pay." He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up, which Yumichika promptly straightened out. "I was kind of looking forward to this date, too. Damn shame."

"Oooo, Hisagi's got a girlfriend," crowed Ikkaku.

"I do not. I can't even call her a friend at this point." His hand went to his neck again. "Are you sure this blasted thing needs to be this tight?"

Yumi swatted at him. "Yes, I'm sure. Why do you think they call it a 'tie'? Now leave it alone. So where are you taking her?" asked Yumi nonchalantly.

"Oh, no, Sweet Cheeks!" Shuuhei took a sudden step backwards, waving a finger in the air in front of his feathery friend. He admonished, "You're not getting that information. I'm not about to have you guys show up and ruin what will be a perfectly agonizing evening. If you want to know where we're going, you'll have to do some detective work because I'm not telling."

"Don't get snippy with me!" Yumi sniffed. "While I appreciate the 'Sweet Cheeks' comment, I'm only doing as I was asked to do, which was to get you dressed properly and coax some information out of you."

"Who asked you to do that?"

"Who else? Kyouraku. He's going to be pissed if I don't go back with some information."

Ikkaku whispered out of the side of his mouth to Yumi, all the while eyeing Shuuhei, "If he doesn't talk, I'll handle him," he said, pounding a fist into his hand. "Just say the word."

"Down, boy," said Yumi. "So what do I tell Kyouraku?"

"I don't really care what you tell him. Let's just say it's not where he thinks I'm going to take her."

"Please, Shuuhei," Yumi grabbed his arm, "not one of those sidewalk cart. If you need to borrow some money, I'd be glad to loan it to you, at a low, low interest rate, of course."

"Kyouraku gave me his Seireitei Express card," he said, shrugging off his friend. "Besides, I know all about your low, low interest rates. Number one, they ain't that low and number two, they ain't that interesting."

"Your misuse of language is appallingly. Shame on you. Now turn around so I can see the back of the jacket."

"You just want to see my ass."

"Caught me, now turn around so I can ogle it."

"Twenty bucks says my ass is better than his," Ikkaku said proudly. "What? No one wants to bet? If Kira was here, he'd be all over it. The bet, I mean…not my ass…cause I don't swing that way…"

"Don't you have an errand to run or something?" said Shuuhei, turning around bit by bit. He knew Yumi hadn't been serious, but since he still had nightmares about the beauty pageant tucking incident, he kept his guard up just in case.

Making some final adjustments along the back seam, Yumi asked, "Well, what do you think? I think it's the best we can do with what we have. Don't you?"

"If only there was more time," moaned Ikkaku dramatically, hand to his brow, "we could mold him into our own image."

"Can't you shut up?" Thoroughly irritated and a little light-headed from a lack of oxygen, Shuuhei blurted out, "I hate this jacket. It's scratchy, I can't move in it, and it looks like someone wore out the elbows and patched them back up. I have uniforms that look better than this. I won't wear it, Yumi."

Caught off-guard by the vehement, almost child-like outburst, both Ikkaku and Yumichika stared at the man. Insulted to the core, Yumi finally found his tongue. "After all I've done for you! The nerve! Who made you king of real worlder apparel anyway? I suppose you want to wear one of your precious uniforms instead of this beautiful, tasteful jacket. Well, if you think you can do better, my former friend, then go right ahead, Mr. Yumichika-Has-Exquisite-Taste-But-My-Taste-Is-Better-Even-Though-I-Can't-Dress-Myself-Without-Help-From-a-Blind-Man!"

It was Shuuhei's turn to be stunned. "I'll forget you said that for the sake of our friendship," he growled.

"You made me mad," sniffed Yumichika.

Reaching for his zanpakutou, Ikkaku railed, "Apologize, Hisagi! You made Yumi mad. Apologize right now."

"Down, boy!" ordered the lieutenant.

Putting a hand on Ikkaku's arm, Yumi said quietly, "It's okay, Ikkaku. We've both said things we shouldn't have. Now will you wear the jacket?" he asked calmly.

Knowing that he needed a new approach and rationalizing his petulant behavior to himself as a particularly hideous side-effect of emotional man-chat, Shuuhei said cautiously, "Look, the jacket is…gorgeous, exquisite, extremely more than okay. Matter of fact, it's too good for the likes of me. So you keep it and wear it in good health, Yumi. I have a good kimono in the closet that I rarely have occasion to wear. Would you be satisfied if I wore the shirt, the strangly leash thing and the kimono?" asked Shuuhei.

"I'd have to see it," sniffed Yumichika. "And I'd have to tailor the hell out of that jacket to get it to fit me," he added, "although I would look stunning."

Hisagi went to his closet and pulled out a short midnight blue and black silk kimono, with gold threads running through it. It had the spirit of a real worlder jacket, but with the beauty and elegance of the Seireitei style. He slid off the jacket and slipped on the kimono. With the shirt and tie, black dress slacks and rich leather shoes, he looked quite dashing.

Yumi's eyes moistened over. "Yes, oh yes. I give you an 'A plus' for elegance, Hisagi! My estimation of your style quotient just shot through the roof." He ran his fingers over the color-on-color brocade fabric, tracing across Shuuhei's shoulder blades. "It's fantabulous, Shuuhei, just like me," he gushed. "It puts my jacket to shame! I can see why you'd rather wear this than the one I got you."

"Well, it's not as scratchy, for one thing, and I can move my arms."

"Where ever did you get it? It's so pretty. It's a family heirloom, isn't it? Yumichika can always tell," he oozed. Indeed, the kimono had taken on slight wear patterns over the years that said it had once been a prized possession. "These things are handed down from generation to generation. I can't wait to find out the history that must be behind it!"

"Cool," admired Ikkaku.

"Yea, it's kind of an interesting story. I got it from Solly's."

"Solly? Is that a relative? A grandfather or a great uncle, perhaps. Go on," urged Yumichika excitedly as he fingered the smooth material.

"Not exactly. Solly's just this guy I know."

"Sex partner, huh?"

"You're such a moron."

"And so, the kimono must have been handed down through Solly's family," said Yumi. "They must be old money, if he can afford such a costly kimono."

"Eh, he's not doing too bad for himself," Shuuhei shrugged. "He has this sort of department store that he owns."

"Oh, retail? That's an admirable vocation. Thank goodness for retail. I saw the cutest sandals today while I was shopping for your jacket. So, anyway, Solly gave you this wonderful kimono, huh? You must be very special to him. I should be so lucky."

"Sex partner. Told you, didn't I?"

"There has to be an errand you can run. Anything to get you out of here."

"Ikkaku, do be a dear, and run that errand. You're annoying Shuuhei and myself. If you were a little smarter, you'd be annoying yourself too."

"Okay, fine! I know when I'm not wanted. I'll run your damned errand." With that, the round-headed man started to the door. "But I'll be back in a few minutes." He walked out the door of the ninth and immediately heard a click behind him. Trying the door and finding it locked, he pounded, but no one answered. "I know you're in there. You can't hide from me. You didn't leave. I'm the one that left, so why the hell did you lock the door?" He got down on his hands and knees and peered under the door. "Yumi? Hisagi? I forget what errand I'm supposed to be running."

"Now that he's out of the way," said Yumi, ignoring the banging on the door, "Tell me about this wonderful kimono."

"Well, I bought it at Solly's annual clearance sale."

"C-clearance s-sale?" asked Yumi wide-eyed, obviously shaken.

"Yea, see, he purchased a bulk lot from this old bachelor's estate and this was in it. Solly knew I was looking for a bathrobe, so he gave me a holler. It didn't cut it as a bathrobe; wouldn't cover my ass, so I just hung it up in my closet and left it there. Good thing, huh?"

The banging on the door amplified the pounding headache Yumi had gotten immediately upon hearing the words 'bulk lot' and 'clearance sale' in reference to the beautiful, probably richly historied, kimono.

"Hey, you like to shop," Shuuhei continued with enthusiasm. "You should go there someday. He owns _Solly's Second Best Store_ in the Rukongai. Ever heard of it? His motto is 'Why pay full price for new when you can get it used for half'?"

Yumichika's chin dropped to the floor. "You're getting me back for the blind man comment, aren't you? You're telling me this gorgeous kimono doesn't have provenance? There's no family history with it? What about the dead guy? Who was he? How did he get it?"

"I don't know. You can't wear history, Yumichika, but if it's any consolation, I had a coupon and I got a really good deal. More than half off, and Solly even threw in an odd lot of tabi and a dozen imitation ivory chopsticks. You need chopsticks? I got extra." Shuuhei waited expectantly for an answer. "How about Ikkaku. He need any?"

Yumi raised his chin elegantly and gave Shuuhei another appraising look. He said quietly, "Let me fix your tie."

He grabbed the tie and started tightening. "A second-hand store? On sale? Half-off?" he hissed as Shuuhei's face began to turn red. "I spent uber-big-bucks on that fantabulous jacket in an uber-expensive store..."

"Hey, guys?" came Ikkaku's muffled voice under the door. "Wanna let me in? People are looking at me funny."

"…while shopping with Ikkaku."

With exquisite control, he tightened the tie more as Shuuhei's eyes began to bulge and his vision blackened into fuzzy specks as the room faded in and out of view.

"I had to give up part of my beauty sleep this morning. Why? Because we had to get special passes to go to the real world and you know how long those lines are to get special passes."

Hisagi's tongue lolled out of his mouth.

"What's going on in there?" asked Ikkaku, peering through the doorsill. "Are you dancing? I can see feet moving."

"And why did I need a special pass? In order to buy you a jacket so that you would look decent for your date with Nanao tonight. I shopped my pretty little sandals off for you. I even passed on some wonderful items for myself. And why did I do that? I'm still wondering why I did that. Oh, that's right! I did that so that I could purchase an expensive jacket for you, complete with uber-cool suede elbow patches and leather buttons. But do you appreciate my efforts? No!"

He gave a quick tug and Hisagi's knees buckled.

"Yumi, why is 'Sagi Bottom's reiatsu going down?"

"We've worked so hard to get a date for you, completing quest after quest, and you want to ruin it by wearing a used kimono (which wouldn't have been bad if it had been handed down to you, but no, it came from a second-hand store) that was hanging in your closet (when it should have been carefully folded as anyone with respect for delicate fabrics would know) being used as a bathrobe (who knows the logic behind that one?) with no history behind the kimono (everybody knows you can't wear history, or so I'm told), other than it belonged to some dead guy who never got married (the world's a better place without his progeny), that you bought at a clearance sale for half-off at a rescue mission (excuse me, second-hand store), and how fortunate for you, it came with socks and fake chopsticks! Oh, that's right. You paid less than half price because you had a coupon!" Yumi gave a final vicious tug at the tie and an airless Shuuhei fell to the floor in a dead faint for the second time in two days. "Over my dead body!"

The raven-haired man scrutinized the prostrate Hisagi lying motionless on the floor. "Hmm, he does look better in the kimono. Who'd have thought?"

"Oh, there you are, Hisagi," came a voice under the door. "What was it that I was supposed to do again? Hisagi? Hisagi?"

Yumichika strolled over to the door, hauled off and kicked the bottom of it as hard as he could. A few satisfying thumps and 'ow's' later, he folded his arms contentedly and waited for Shuuhei to wake up. He'd be pleased to know that Yumi approved of the kimono after all.

* * *

**A/N** Next, Nanao gets ready, but not everything goes smoothly.


	31. The Sour Taste of an Emotional Smoothie

**A/N Tite Kubo has not begged me to take Bleach off his hands yet, so I still don't own it.**

**It's been a little bit slow going with these chapters, folks, so my apologies. If it's any consolation, the chapters seem to be getting longer. It's not my doing; it's the little elves who come at night to cobble shoes while I'm in bed. They just can't resist booting up the computer. ;o)**

* * *

"I brought over some of my sexiest clothes for your date with Shuuhei tonight," said Rangiku. She, Isane and SoiFon were at Nanao's apartment, presumably to steady her nerves. Sake had been suggested, but Nanao had nixed that idea. She wasn't willing to let go of any of her inhibitions tonight.

"One look at you in some of these and Shuuhei will be worshipping at your feet," said the blond.

"Thanks anyway, Rangiku. I have a nice sundress that I can wear," said Nanao, scanning the stack of provocative clothes in her friend's arms. For so many clothes, there wasn't a lot of fabric.

"Nonsense! We want you to look wonderful tonight. Sundresses are so last year."

"Do you think so?" said Nanao, uncertainly. She and Rangiku had very different styles. Rangiku only bought quality fashions, which was why the blond always needed advances on her paycheck, unlike Nanao, whose paycheck went for books and only rarely, for clothes.

"Of course," said Isane, trying to help. "I haven't worn one since last year. Of course, I'm too tall to be able to wear a sundress well. You, on the other hand, are so well-proportioned, you'd probably look good in anything that you wore, especially a sundress."

Rangiku shot her a look that told her to either shut up or face the wrath of Haineko.

Isane stammered, "B-but a sundress just won't do for tonight, Nanao. Oh no, not at all, not with it being a special evening and all."

Rangiku nodded in approval.

Nanao rolled her eyes. "I don't see how it's a special evening. It's just a date, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try on a few things." After all, Rangiku had been kind enough to bring them over, skimpy though they were, which had meant exertion on her part, and to Nanao's mind, that needed to be recognized. Besides, she could always wear layers.

"I'll bet Shunsui Kyouraku is excited," said SoiFon, holding up a sheer pink blouse. "He's been waiting a long time for this date between you and Hisagi. He must really want this to have tolerated Yamamoto and Sasakibe in his office for days."

"Yamamoto's kind of sweet underneath that beard," answered Nanao. "And while he was there, Sasakibe helped me do all the things that my captain piled on top of me."

"Still has that father complex, huh?" asked SoiFon, carefully folding the blouse. She picked up a pair of fishnet stockings and gaped. "Who wears these?" Rangiku pulled them out of her hands and balled them up, slipping them into the pile of clothes which she had set on a chair.

"More like friendly acquaintances now, although I wish he'd return my kimono. And from what I saw, I think the old man's a bit of a schemer, just like my captain. Everyday, he'd cut a row of straw off the captain's hat. It kept getting smaller and smaller until one day, the captain pulled it over his eyes for his nap and it didn't cover them."

"Did he figure it out?" asked Isane.

"He finally caught on," said Nanao, "but he didn't dare accuse anyone. The captain general wanted to put cooked oatmeal in his pockets too, until Sasakibe reminded him who," she pointed to herself, "would have to clean it up. Besides, I had a go at him myself. After this morning, the captain was ready to call the whole thing off," laughed Nanao.

"Seriously?" asked Isane. "But Captain Kyouraku was the one who started all of this."

"I know, but I led him to believe that Shuuhei Hisagi might be a terrible influence on me. I convinced him that he's a really bad boy and I do mean bad," she chuckled, "and he didn't like it one bit."

"In other words, you lied," said Isane with a look of disbelief.

"In other words, I lied. I'll have to prank him again sometime because he didn't complain when I took the day off, plus I escaped before he made me prepare the daily duty roster."

"Nanao!" exclaimed Rangiku, "I didn't know you had a dishonest bone in you. I'm so proud." She held her arms out for a hug, but Nanao waved her off.

"Smart girl," said SoiFon, high-fiving Rangiku. "We've taught her well the art of man-ipulation."

"Yes, we have. She is capable of 'ipulating' any man now," agreed the blond. "You make your mentors so proud." Rangiku and SoiFon faked a cry into the other's arms.

"Can I learn?" asked Isane timidly.

They burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" protested Isane. "I know it's not a real word, but I have frisky male patients all the time that I would love to be able to 'ipulate' in order to keep their hands off of me."

SoiFon replied, "You don't need 'ipulate.' The word you need is 'castrate'."

"I've heard rumors that the fourth division isn't lacking in love lives," said Rangiku.

Isane gasped. "What did you hear? Whatever it was, it's not true!"

"So where is Shuuhei taking you tonight, Nanao?" Rangiku ignored the medic as she searched through the pile for the first outfit.

"I don't know," answered the brunette seriously, pushing up her glasses. While the banter between her friends had been entertaining, when the conversation turned towards tonight's date, Nanao felt chilled. Talking about the date and Shuuhei was like pushing a button on a blender, stirring up a smoothie made of mixed and unwanted feelings. Keeping her tone casual, she said, "I told him to pick the place, so I don't know where we're going. I'm hoping for a nice sit-down restaurant where there's good food, but too much noise for conversation."

"It's Shuuhei," said Isane. "The man can't keep two cents in his pocket. You'll be lucky if you don't end up at one of those sidewalk carts, eating fried meat on a stick and sipping fizzy drinks from a can."

"You should pay your own way," suggested SoiFon. "That way you won't owe him anything, and you'll have your dignity."

"Maybe Captain Kyouraku will foot the bill," said Rangiku. "After all, this was his idea. If he does, order expensive. Free rides are always more fun in expensive vehicles."

"It doesn't really matter who pays," said Nanao, irritably. The disturbing emotional smoothie had left a bad taste in her mouth. "Once this is over, it's over, so where we eat or what we eat is of no consequence. I'm going out on this date to be done with this ridiculousness once and for all."

"I still say take him for all he's worth," stated the vice captain of the tenth. Rangiku held out a short orange dress with a laced-up bodice and a low cut that extended to the navel. "Here's a cute little number that will get Hisagi's zanpakutou spinning, and if it doesn't, then he's too much of a soldier. You wear this and he won't care how much the date costs."

"I can't wear that!" exclaimed Nanao, covering her chest. "That shows off way too much skin!"

Isane reassured the upset woman. "Don't worry, Nanao, it will be a lot less revealing on you than on Rangiku."

"True," laughed SoiFon, "you don't have as much anatomy to show off as she does."

"I don't want to lead him on."

"For Heaven's sakes, why not?" huffed Rangiku. "He's a man, you're a woman, it's what we do."

"It may be what you do, but I don't!"

Shaking her long locks in mock disgust at her friend, Rangiku said, "You don't have to sleep with him, Nanao, but it's always fun to tease. It keeps them interested. Wear something skimpy, get them drunk, twist them all up in a ball, then walk away, like I do with a certain blond in the third. They always come back for more. You should try it. It makes for an interesting evening."

"There's a name for women like you," said SoiFon.

"Yea," said Rangiku, "fun!"

"Wasn't the one I was thinking of," scoffed the diminutive captain.

"I know what you were thinking," said the blond. "I resent that because I never let things go that far."

"Whoopty-do. Tell it to your dates as they're doubled over in pain."

"Like you would know about men. Besides, they've never complained," said Rangiku smugly.

"How can they complain with their fists in their mouths?"

Ignoring SoiFon, she handed the girl a black skirt and a blouse in multiple colors of blues. "Here, Nanao, try this one. It might be more to your liking. Go slip it on."

"I suppose I could try it." Nanao headed off to the bedroom to try on the new ensemble. As she pulled on the short skirt, she muttered to herself, "Why am I doing this? It's hardly worth the trouble for one stinking, lousy date with a man I'm never going to see again other than on a professional level." She pulled up the zipper and slipped the blouse over her head. "I'm going to kill the captain, I swear. Why can't he be happy with the way things were? I wouldn't be so bossy if he were a little more responsible." She adjusted the ruffles around the long sleeves and the deep-v neckline. "A little help with the paperwork; that's all I've ever asked." _Well,_ _I'm not Rangiku, but not too bad_, she sighed, examining herself in the mirror._ It's a little low cut, but he's not going there anyway. _

"Nanao? Come on out and let us see," shouted Isane from the other room.

"I'm coming. Hold your shunpo." With one last look in the mirror, she headed towards the living room.

Entering the room where the others were waiting, Nanao did a quick turn. "Well, what do you think?"

"I like that," gushed Isane. "It's really cute. On you, it doesn't look like something Ran would wear."

Nanao hesitated, "I'll choose to take that as a compliment."

"It was meant as one," nodded Isane.

"It needs something," said the blond vice captain after scrutinizing the darker haired one. "There's something missing."

"About two cup sizes, maybe?" observed SoiFon.

"Humph, I don't think so," said Rangiku, "more like three."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Nanao crossed her arms, effectively hiding her chest, which up until now had been perfectly adequate.

"Do you see what I mean?" asked Rangiku. "I can't hide my boobies that much. So there's at least a three cup difference."

SoiFon looked at herself, over to Isane, then to Nanao, before finally training her eyes on Rangiku's ample bosom. "Between the four of us here, only one of us is a freak of nature, so two cups, three cups, it really doesn't matter to us normal people because ours don't get in the way. And we're not here to discuss your boobs anyway."

"That's a first," sniffed Rangiku. "My boobies are always a topic for discussion." She stepped back and took an appraising look at Nanao. "That looks adorable on you, Nanao. You could always fill out the top with socks stuffed into your bra. Lift, you know."

"No, thank you. Who would do that?" asked the dark-haired woman.

"Shuuhei, from what I heard," snickered Isane.

"Oh," groaned Nanao. "What has my captain gotten me into?"

Rangiku patted her arm. "Relax, honey. We're here to make sure you have a good time. Have a seat over here and I'll fix your hair. You're like my own personal beauty doll," she squealed. "First manicures and facials at the slumber party and now dress-up and make-up for your date with Shuuhei."

"Quit reminding me."

"About what?"

"About this date. I've changed my mind. I'm not going. I can't believe I practically begged that arrogant jerk to take me out. I was so set on beating my captain at his own game that I've backed myself into a corner. I hate it! I don't want to do this!" She slammed her hands down on the arm of the chair. Tears swelled in the back of her eyes, but she blinked them into submission.

Rangiku said softly, but firmly, "Nanao Ise, there will be no more talk about not going. You're doing it for womankind. We will not be woman-ipulated by your captain or any other man, now sit still. SoiFon, hold her down with Suzumebachi while I curl her hair."

SoiFon looked askance at Rangiku. "You want me to sting her to death?"

"No, no, just make sure she doesn't move," said Rangiku. "Threaten her with it. You know, put it to her neck or something. You figure it out. After all, you're the captain of the secret forces. You should be somewhat intelligent," she grumbled.

SoiFon exploded, "Why, you big boobed, empty headed, no talent, lazy waste of a Shinigami. How you ever became vice captain is beyond me!"

"Beyond you? So you're saying you're not that intelligent?" asked Rangiku snidely, applying a curling iron to the girl's hair.

"You're forgetting something, Miss Three-Sizes-Too-Big. I have certain pictures that you've been dying to see, so you'd better be nice to me." SoiFon smelled victory. She knew Rangiku well enough to know that she would be coming to visit Byakuya Kuchiki's nudie pictures any day now.

"Hand me the hair spray, oh, Wise One," said Rangiku through a hair pin as she nodded in SoiFon's direction. After spraying, she stepped back to appraise her handiwork. Nanao's once straight hair was now a mass of pretty curls piled neatly on top of her head. "Almost finished with your hair, Nanao. Next, we'll apply a little make-up."

Nanao slumped down in the chair, resting her elbow on the arm, her chin on her fist. "Is this really necessary? It's only one date and I really don't care how I look."

"Sure, you do. Now sit up," replied Rangiku. "How do you think I get so many men? I keep myself looking good with clean skin…"

"I wash my face every morning and evening."

"…a nice hairdo…"

"It's always clean and out of my way."

"…that doesn't look like a hollow slept in it," said Rangiku, applying foundation to her friend's nearly flawless complexion.

"It's an easy style," Nanao protested.

"It's as spiky as Shuuhei's."

"His hair is so soft," she said before she could stop herself.

"Oh?" questioned SoiFon, her curiosity piqued. "And how do you know that?"

Nanao thought back to the previous day when her hand had brushed against his hair as she pulled the hay from it as he slept. Then she thought back to what she had done with it and decided perhaps it was better left unexplained. "It just looks soft."

"Uh huh," nodded SoiFon suspiciously, "and I suppose his lips look soft too, but you wouldn't know about that personally, would you?"

Nanao blushed, grabbing her hand self-consciously. She had to admit to herself that she knew a little bit more than she wanted to about Hisagi. It made her mad and more than a little mixed-up.

"Stop fussing with me, Rangiku. I'm done." She pushed Ran's lipstick-holding hand away.

"I still need to add lipstick."

"I'll apply it myself," said Nanao. "I'm perfectly capable; besides, most guys don't like to kiss a girl with lipstick on, so I'll make sure I'm wearing it."

"I'd leave it off entirely," smiled Rangiku.

"She needs more eye make-up," declared SoiFon.

"More? I've already given her a smoky evening look. See? What do you think, Nanao? I think you're gorgeous."

The lieutenant had to agree that she could turn a few heads with this look. She felt oddly uncomfortable.

"She needs more of everything. More make-up, bigger hair, more cleavage," ranted SoiFon. "Where do you keep your socks?"

"I'm not stuffing my bra."

"Your boyfriend did it. Why shouldn't you?"

"He's not my boyfriend!" protested Nanao.

"Might as well be," said Rangiku. "There's not another man here who would dare lay a hand on you now. Face it, Nanao; you're off-limits to every man in the Seireitei except Hisagi."

"Off limits?"

"Off limits," agreed SoiFon. "But don't worry, we're here to get you laid and he won't mind doing his part. Now pile on the make-up, Rangiku."

Nanao exploded. "I beg your pardon? That is not why you are here and that is most definitely not what is going to happen on this date, so if you heard that from those baboons who have been posing as Shinigami, you need to march right back to them and tell them otherwise!"

"Relax, Nanao," scolded Rangiku. "We're only following orders."

"WHAT?"

"Yumichika came to me today and said that your captain told him to make sure that you were wearing the sexiest clothes possible for Shuuhei. The captain really wants this to work out between the two of you. What exactly is Nanao nirvana anyway?"

Nanao was livid. "OUT!" she screamed. "I want all of you out!"

"What did I do?" wailed Isane.

"I appreciate your help, but I'm going to do this my way." She rushed the blond, the medic and the captain from her apartment, ran to her bathroom and scrubbed viciously at her face to remove the unwanted make-up. Next, she raked a comb through her hair, wetting it to remove the curl. Finally, she pulled her hair back in a severe twist and threw on her heaviest uniform, covering herself from head to toe in conservative ho-hum.

She was determined that her captain was not going to win this one. With clarity of thought came knowledge of what she had to do. The idea of romance was squashed under her foot like an insignificant bug. This was about revenge, and if Shuuhei Hisagi had to be a casualty, so be it. As she adjusted her glasses in the mirror, a cold hard shadow edged her face. The Dragon Queen was back! "You'd better run, Hisagi, because I'm not taking prisoners." The lump of sadness that rose in her throat was unexpected.

She was surprised by the knock at the door. If it was Hisagi, he was extremely early, which was every bit as rude as being extremely late. She opened the door and stepped out, about to give him a piece of her mind, but instead of Hisagi, she felt a hand cover her mouth. Her struggles were useless against the two strong men.

* * *

**A/N** Next up: Hisagi tries to pick her up for the date...but can he?


	32. Thorns

****

A/N I'm posting early because I wasn't very happy with the last chapter. It accomplished its goal, but the writing wasn't as crisp as I like. Hopefully, this one is a little better.

**Nothing has changed - I don't own Bleach. What would make a good bribe?**

* * *

"Come in!" called Captain Kyouraku from the couch in his office. The knock on the door of the eighth had been hard and pounding. As it opened, a dark-haired man entered in a midnight blue kimono, tie and dress slacks. "Ah, Lieutenant Hisagi, don't you look elegant."

"Thank you, sir," said an exasperated Shuuhei. "Is Nanao here? I tried her apartment, but she wasn't there. If she thinks for one minute that she can get out of this date..."

"I'm sure that's not what she was thinking, dear friend Shuuhei. As a matter of fact, she is right here in the back room getting ready." Shunsui pointed towards a closed door along the far wall.

"She could have left a note. I've been all over Soul Society looking for her."

"I'm afraid that was my fault. I really didn't give her much opportunity. I wanted to talk to you, dear boy, so I brought Nanao here. After all, how can I give you final dating instructions if you were to pick her up at her apartment and not here, where I am?"

Shuuhei looked sideways at the man in the pink robe and asked, "Final dating instructions, sir?"

"Yes, Hisagi, final dating instructions." In a low voice, he added, "You know, to break the curse."

Shuuhei dipped his head slightly as acknowledgement.

Kyouraku resumed, saying, "Now, you are to take her to a lovely restaurant, wine her, dine her, spare no expense, and don't have her back before dawn, do you hear? It's the only way, my lad. Make sure you keep her," he made quotation marks in the air, "'company' all night long. Did you bring her flowers?"

"Um, no. I didn't think about flowers, but I did get a small box of chocolates." He pulled a small, neat package from inside his kimono. "They're assorted. I didn't know what she'd like."

"Chocolates? Flowers, Hisagi, are what women swoon over. Not chocolates. Let me have those." Kyouraku took the box from Shuuhei's hand and slipped it under the couch.

"I thought women liked chocolate," said Shuuhei, scratching the back of his head.

"Nonsense, my boy. Chocolates go to the hips. Flowers go to the heart. Chocolates tell a woman you want to fatten her up, but a man with a flower in his hand is a powerful thing, Shuuhei. It shows thoughtfulness, vulnerability, and virility."

"Flowers and virility, sir? Why do you always lose me whenever you open your mouth?"

"Don't be rude, Vice Captain. Of course, virility. Most men would not walk around with a flower in their hair like I do, but by wearing this flower, it shows that I am not afraid of who I am." He puffed out his chest and said proudly, "I am Shunsui Kyouraku, captain of the eighth division of the Gotei 13 and I like flowers! See what I mean? Dripping in pure masculinity! Women are undoubtedly swooning all over the Seireitei right now. Look at Byakuya Kuchiki, unquestionably one of the most virile men in the protection squads, wouldn't you agree?"

"Um, sure? Can't say I've noticed."

"And what is his release, but blades that look little falling cherry blossom petals. Virility, Hisagi, it's all in the flowers."

Shuuhei pulled at his chin. "I guess, but now what do I do? I don't have any flowers."

The captain laughed lightly at the younger man's distress. "As it happens, my dear boy, you are speaking to the master of flowers. In case you hadn't noticed, I always have flowers around. Nanao loves them. You can give her some of mine." Kyouraku went into another room and came back with a bouquet of pink roses. They sagged a little and were slightly past their prime. He handed Shuuhei the bouquet. "Pink is not as romantic as red, but I don't seem to have red right now. Nanao has been slacking lately and not tending to the flowers as she should. Her condition, I would imagine. I do hope you can get her straightened around before you-know-what happens, Hisagi."

Examining the flowers carefully, Shuuhei turned them around in his hands, looking for the best side. "I'll try, sir. I guess I don't want her to burst into flames all over the place. Are you sure about these flowers? Maybe she won't want them if she has to take care of them all of the time." Noting that he had yet to find the good side, he added, "Plus, they're kind of old."

"There's nothing wrong with old, Hisagi. Old is quality. Take me, for example."

"Yes, sir, you're definitely an example of something old," he said, distracted by the faint sour odor the roses were giving off. From where he stood, he could just barely make out a corner of the box of chocolates in the shadows under the couch. "But giving old flowers to the woman who took care of them when they were in their prime seems wrong. Maybe I should just give her the chocolates," he suggested hopefully.

"Nonsense, my boy."

Shuuhei sighed deeply, worried that Nanao would hold the wilted bouquet against him. With the way this date was starting, it was not looking good.

"She will love them, I assure you," smiled Shunsui. "I surround her with flowers everyday. I know she loves them. They'll buy you a few extra hours of quality time, if you get my drift. Maybe even enough time to reach Nanao nirvana, you know what I mean?" The smile widened as he called out in a loud voice. "Jushiro, bring our little flower out now, won't you?"

A door opened across the room, and Jushiro Ukitake and Nanao in heavy robes appeared. "I am so sorry about this, Nanao," said the white haired captain, pulling Nanao by the arm. "He's my friend, but he's crazy at times, you know."

She shook Ukitake's arm off of her own and replied, "You don't have to follow him to crazy." She noticed Hisagi and the flowers for the first time and said sarcastically, "Oh, great, you're here too. Let the party begin. Whoopee. Are those for me? I hate flowers."

"I'm beginning to," said the man as he dropped the bouquet in the wastebasket.

Nanao came and stood by Shuuhei's side, glaring at both of the captains. "They kidnapped me, Hisagi! Kidnapped me from my own apartment."

"I wouldn't say kidnapped. It was more like changing venues," corrected Kyouraku. "Besides, my sweet little Nanao, you rushed out of here so quickly this morning that you left your paperwork undone. Why aren't you wearing the dress I gave to Jushiro for you?"

"She wouldn't put it on, Shunsui. She kept staring at me." Ukitake shivered.

"Well, no matter. Don't let her robes hinder you, Hisagi. They'll come off as easily as a dress would," Shunsui nodded.

"Sir?" asked Shuuhei, surprised by the man's bluntness.

"Don't listen to him. He's an idiot," hissed Nanao. "If we're going, let's go."

"So where are you kids going? And what time will you be back?" Shunsui gave Hisagi a conspiratorial wink. "If it's too late, don't worry about coming to work tomorrow, Nanao. I can get the third, fourth and fifth seats to do your work for you. Where did you say you were going again?"

"You're too nosy for your own good. None of your business!" snapped the woman. She turned to Shuuhei and under her breath, asked, "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Of course, it's my business," the captain said, feigning hurt. "I'm your poor dear captain, and I only have your best interest at heart, my sweet."

"That's why you've been interfering in my life and why you kidnapped me tonight? Since when is kidnapping in a person's best interest?" she asked angrily.

"We wanted to make sure that you were properly attired for an evening of fun," Kyouraku's accusing eyes landed on Ukitake, "which obviously didn't work. Plus we wanted to see you off for the evening and since you never invite me to your apartment…"

"With good reason."

"…we brought you here."

"I am so sorry…"

"Jushiro, stop apologizing."

"He's going to fix my koi ponds, you see." Ukitake stole off into the shadows.

"Nanao, aren't you forgetting something?" asked Kyouraku.

"Not that I know of," she said defiantly. "I'm leaving my zanpakutou if that's what you mean. I just hope I don't have reason to regret it!" She glared coldly at Shuuhei whose stomach did a quick flip-flop. A_nd risk being turned into a freezer pop?_ he thought. _Not a chance._

"No, no, I meant your lips, dear girl. Don't you want to look beautiful for your beau?" Shunsui grabbed her purse which had been hanging on a hook and rummaged through the many lipsticks that Rangiku had supplied her with.

Shocked at her own forgetfulness, she cried out, "Oh, good heavens, yes. Lipstick! Lots and lots of lipstick. Do you like lipstick on a girl, Hisagi?"

He shook his head, "Not really. I kind of like the natural look."

"Oh, good. Lots and lots of bright red lipstick then." She grabbed three of the tubes that Shunsui held out to her and began to apply each in succession. "Give me another one, just for good measure."

Shuuhei frowned, "Why do I get the feeling you're trying to discourage me?"

"Nonsense, Hisagi," assured Shunsui. "Isn't she lovely? Nanao is raring to go, aren't you, Nanao? Go, get him, Tiger."

The profusely lipsticked woman replied, "Oh, I will. Trust me, I'll get him good. Shall we go?" She lifted her brow quickly, then stared at the apprehensive man who was to be her date, awaiting his reply. For his part, Shuuhei felt a bit like a prisoner being led to Soukyoku Hill.

"Yes, please?" was all he could muster.

"Why do you sound so uncertain of yourself, Hisagi?" she asked hopefully. "If you don't want to go, say so."

Blinking, he found his voice hiding behind his nerves. "Oh no, lady. You're not getting off the hook that easily! I've been through too damn much for this date to quit now. You're stuck with me. Come on, Vice Captain. We have reservations. Let's get out of this nuthouse. Better keep your mouth open or that red glue on your lips will seal it shut."

"So you're ordering me around too?"

"No, I'm just saying we need to go if we're going to make our table."

"Fine, let's go. And my mouth is none of your business."

"Fine."

"Good."

"You're not going to get the last word this time."

"Am too."

"No, you're not. Shut your mouth so that red glue will set faster and I don't have to listen to you anymore." They headed towards the door still arguing about who was going to get the last word.

"Nanao," Shunsui called after her. "You're still forgetting something."

"And what, in Yamamoto's name, would that be?" she asked irately.

"My good-bye kiss, of course." Reaching his arms out for her, he pooched out his lips and closed his eyes. She grabbed the sickly roses from the trashcan and shoved them in his face. "Kiss this!" Turning on her heels, she grabbed Hisagi by the neck tie and ordered, "Let's go." She stormed out the door with the ninth division vice captain on his leash, slamming the door behind them.

"Ow. Thorns. Ow."

* * *

When Shunsui returned from nursing his wounds in the bathroom, he reached under the couch and pulled out Hisagi's box of chocolates. "Chocolates, Jushiro?"

"Where did these come from?" asked the white haired man as Shunsui unwrapped the neat little package.

"Hisagi brought them for me. Wasn't that nice of him?" said Kyouraku, taking a chocolate from the box and handing the box to Jushiro.

"Did he bring them for you or for Nanao?" asked Jushiro skeptically.

"What does it matter? It's the thought that counts, am I right?"

"You could squirm your way out of a paper straw, Shunsui." He picked up a strawberry cream and happily tossed it into his mouth.

"Have another while we wait," Shunsui bit into his coconut cream and frowned.

"Wait for what, my friend?" asked Ukitake as he examined the contents of the box. He picked up the coconut cream that Shunsui had put back in the box, nibbled off the coating and threw the rest of it in the trash.

"For word, of course. My spy network will be reporting in at any moment." Shunsui moved to the window, pulled aside the curtains and watched carefully for any movement.

"Spy network, Shunsui? Isn't that a little over the top? Shouldn't we just let them have their evening?" He smiled as he bit into a chocolate truffle, then stuffed it in his mouth, savoring the smooth taste. He didn't allow himself many sugary treats for health reasons, so to have chocolate like this made him feel extremely decadent.

"Oh, good heavens, no. We can't leave a romance up to the two of them. They'll never make it on their own. We have to help it along. It would have been easier if they had told us where they were going, but I suppose my spies will zero in on them quickly enough." He squinted, but still, there was no sign of his spies returning with the location of the restaurant.

"Why spies, Shunsui?" Jushiro swallowed the pecan turtle he had just chewed. "Surely you realize that you have gone around the bend on this one." Three more chocolates, a piece of solid, a covered cashew and a maple cream, disappeared into his mouth.

"You're forgetting, Jushiro," said Shunsui, still peering out the window. "Our soldiers need all sorts of training and stealth is one kind of training. I don't think Nanao and Hisagi are going to get too far away without being spotted." He turned and put his hand out towards the box of chocolates, stopping short at the sight of the chocolate covered face of Jushiro Ukitake. "You ate them all?"

"I am so sorry…"


	33. A Stone's Throw Away

**A/N I know. I've kept you waiting and waiting and waiting for the actual date. Well, guess what? You have to wait one more chapter (this one) and then I'm going to give you the longest chapter yet as an apology and it will be all datage!**

**One of the reasons it took me so long to get to the date was that I was setting up events for the future. As I've said before, this is a long story and we're about two thirds of the way through, maybe less. Sick of it yet? Some people just don't know when to quit writing. XD I stated in my summary that this was humor, action, romance and revenge. Next up is the revenge. I can only say poor Shunsui (I really do like him!) and one other hapless soul are in for it. Thanks for staying with me. ;o)**

* * *

"How's your shunpo?" asked Shuuhei, once their petty argument had subsided. Neither one was going to allow the other to get the last word in.

"Fine," asked Nanao. "Why?"

He looked around cautiously. The wind was still, but movement was everywhere if you knew where to find it. "Because Renji has been following me since I left the ninth to pick you up."

"How do you know?" she asked, her eyes darting quickly among the trees.

"It's hard to hide that red fireball on top of his head. He tried, but he's not very good at stealth. Kira, on the other hand, is probably around too, but he's much better at concealment than Abarai."

"Why are they following you?"

"Us, now," he nodded, pulling her closer so they couldn't be heard. The light scent of jasmine reached his nostrils. "They want to know where we're going, undoubtedly to report back to Kyouraku. I caught a whiff of Yumichika's cologne earlier, so I know he's around and where ever he goes, Ikkaku can't be far behind. So if you think you can keep up, we'll shunpo across the Seireitei until we lose them, then go to the restaurant."

"Of course, I can keep up." She pushed away from him, insulted that he might think otherwise.

"I don't know," he taunted, "All that lipstick might weigh you down." He cocked his good eyebrow, a sly smile just barely managing to find his face.

At her full height, the top of her head reached his brow line. She tilted her nose up to look him in the eyes. "I'll manage somehow."

"Then we're off." He flash stepped away from her, leaving her scrambling to catch up.

"You're not getting away from me that easily, Hisagi!" She hollered, taking a step. "Could you slow down a little? I have heels on."

* * *

Losing Renji, Yumichika and Ikkaku hadn't been too difficult, but Kira was another matter. The man could sneak up on a convention of paranoid spies. Shuuhei and Nanao had been flash stepping around the Seireitei and the quadrants of the Rukongai for almost half an hour, trying to shake him. Had he been alone, some strategic moves on Shuuhei's part might have lost Kira (there was no guarantee), but he had been hindered by Nanao's slower shunpo in her heels. Recognizing the form of Kenpachi Zaraki below him in a Rukongai plaza, Shuuhei motioned for her to follow and dropped down from the rooftops. He called out to the man, "Hey, Zaraki!"

"Hey yerself, Sleepin' Beauty," came a leisurely voice.

"Got a favor to ask," said Shuuhei boldly, ignoring the new nickname.

"Yea? This oughta be good. What do ya want, Fancy Nancy?" asked the captain, giving the dressed-up Shinigami the once over before picking up a stone and throwing it towards a tin sign hanging over a shop entrance. It missed, clattering off the roof and dropping silently to the dirt.

"We're trying to shake someone."

Picking up a bigger stone, Kenpachi looked at Nanao, before launching it into the air. This one hit with a loud ping. The shop owner appeared in the doorway and looked around nervously before disappearing back inside.

Nanao was trying to catch her breath and reassemble her robes. She was leaning against a wooden sign that read 'Danger! Be restricted from the roof separated.' "Any idea what the hell that sign's supposed to mean?" he asked.

"I think it means 'stay off the roof'," said Shuuhei. (1)

"Like that's going to happen around here," scoffed Kenpachi. "So what's the situation, little man? This that date thing I heard you finally got the balls to go out on?"

Shuuhei reddened slightly, "Yea, this is it. Kyouraku put tails on us to find out where we're going, so we're trying to shake them. Got rid of three of 'em, but can't seem to shake the fourth. Someone can't keep up like she said she could."

"Well, I didn't expect to be visiting every rooftop, window ledge and tree limb in the entire Seireitei," huffed Nanao, rubbing her foot.

"I always heard Hisagi gets around." Kenpachi laughed and punched Shuuhei in the arm.

He winced. "That's a lie."

"You calling me a liar, boy?" challenged Kenpachi playfully. "I'll take your lily white ass right here and now in front of the lady."

"Oh, I do not want to see this. Not at all!" said Nanao, waving her hands in the air and covering her eyes. "Why can't this just be a normal date at a normal restaurant? But no-o-o, this isn't a normal date, is it? First, I'm kidnapped by my own captain, which doesn't normally happen, then I get skanky roses instead of normal ones from my date, then I have to flash step all over the place before I can eat, not normal, and then…and then, my date and a captain want to have sex right in front of me. Definitely not normal."

The two men watched Nanao, exchanging a glance between them.

"He was talking about wrestling," corrected Shuuhei.

"Oh," said Nanao, "…I knew that."

"Women!" gruffed Kenpachi.

"That is what you meant, right?" asked Hisagi, slightly uncertain now that he thought about it. He got his answer with a whack to the head. "I knew that."

"Dumb ass pansy!" The captain bent over, sorted through a few small stones, then stood and threw three in a row at the sign again. The first two hit the sign with twin pings; the third one hit the angry shopkeeper who had come out to investigate. The man scoured the area, noticed Kenpachi watching him and backed slowly into his store. "She held ya back, huh?"

"I asked her if she could keep up," he said to Zaraki. Before she could protest, he held up a hand to Nanao, "Don't tell me I didn't. I gave you a chance."

"I can keep up," she argued, "but I didn't expect to be hither, thither and yon tonight in heels. I expected to be going to a restaurant."

"'Hither, thither and yon?'" snorked the captain. "Glad yer not in my unit. We don't talk like that. Well, except for Fancy Boy, but I don't listen to him." He picked up several more slightly larger stones by her feet. When he stood, he pointed to her robe. "You wore high heeled shoes with that? Doesn't look like a high heel kinda outfit."

"I would never have mistaken you for the fashion police," she said snidely, risking his wrath. The heels had been her one concession to dressing up, and although she was regretting them after all the flash stepping, she wasn't happy that a man in a tattered haori who wore an eyepatch and bells in his hair was criticizing her fashion taste.

"Eh," he shrugged. "Yachiru's got some of those pre-teen fashion magazines lying around. Sometimes I run out of toilet paper." He launched a stone at the sign. It missed and flew in an open window.

"I did not need to know that."

"'S'okay, because I didn't need to know that you think I might want Hisagi's ass for something more than just wrasslin.'"

"I'm on top," said Shuuhei mischievously.

"Shut up, Francis. You were on top last time." Kenpachi tossed a pebble at him, bouncing it off Shuuhei's head. "Ya shoulda ducked. And as for you," he said to Nanao, "being with Kyouraku's made you soft. Better toughen up there, little gal. A good fight breaks out and you won't be able to handle it."

"I won't have a problem," said Nanao. "I'm a good fighter. The captain has taught me well, whether you believe it or not."

"There are two kinds of vice captains," said Kenpachi, "those who fight and those who do paperwork." He threw another stone at the sign, hitting it. The door to the shop crept closed, moved from inside by an invisible hand.

Shuuhei joked, "I'll bet your zanpakutou gives vicious paper cuts."

"That's totally ignorant of you, Hisagi." Nanao was irritated that he had the nerve to tease her after what he'd put her through tonight. "I can hold my own on any field of battle. You want proof?" she said boldly. "How about we go a round? Whip out your zanpakutou, right here and now. Your sword against my kidou."

"Sorry, I left it in my other kimono."

The distant thunk of a stone hitting a roof drew their attention back to Kenpachi. "Look, kids, this is sounding too sexual for me. It's obvious where your minds are. Some whips, some chains. I ain't into that stuff. Good thing Yachiru's out looking for Kira right now or I'd have to pop you one."

Nanao gasped, but Shuuhei laughed, "It's okay, sir. The whips and chains were her idea."

She threw a light Bakudou 1 binding spell at his ankles. Startled, he was just barely able to avoid it. She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Real mature, Vice Captain." Nanao curtsied in mock deference.

"Don't curtsy," said Shuuhei. "It brings back bad memories."

"I wouldn't mess with her, Hisagi. Even without her zanpakutou, if she gets mad, I'll bet she could take you down as fast as I did, if not faster."

"That's not fair, sir. You threw me out of the ring," he protested.

"Not fair?" Kenpachi threw the rest of the stones to the ground and dusted off his hands. "What isn't fair is that I can't get a rematch with that blond bastard. He keeps hiding from me."

"Speaking of the blond bastard," said Hisagi, "he's the one we're trying to shake right now. If I point you in his direction, would you keep him occupied for a while?"

"Please?" asked Nanao. "I want to get this so-called date over with as soon as possible."

"Ah, isn't that sweet? True love blossoming right before my eyes," said Kenpachi. "Point away."

With Shuuhei giving away his location, Kira had no choice but to hightail it back to Kyouraku's office to report failure in his mission and to seek sanctuary from Kenpachi.

"You kids have fun now and don't let anyone tell you you're not made for each other. I got a good eye for them kind of things." Kenpachi disappeared into the night after Kira.

"Looks like we won't have any more problems," said Shuuhei. "I'm ravenous. Let's go."

"Don't tell me we have to shunpo again?"

"No, actually the restaurant is just around the corner. Care to walk? I think we're safe."

As they disappeared around the corner, a small pink blur appeared where they had just been standing. "Where'd Kenny go?"

* * *

"I can't find Yellow Head anywhere, Kenny," said Yachiru, when she finally caught up to her captain and companion. She watched a hell butterfly flutter out of the eighth division window and head off on its urgent mission.

"It's okay, Yachiru, I found him. He's in there." Kenpachi pointed to Kyouraku's office. He squatted over a small fire warming his hands, even though it was a perfectly fine evening. The glow of the fire could be seen from the window, allowing Kira to watch his fate unfold before him in the slowly darkening sky. "He isn't going any place without me knowing it."

"Hey, Kenny? Guess what? I saw Number-Face and Scary Glasses," said Yachiru, climbing up on his shoulder. She could have just jumped, but every now and then, she liked a challenge.

"Yea, they're on a date," replied the captain.

She thought for a second. "It must have gotten squashed under their feet."

"What got squashed, Yachiru?"

"The date."

"Naw, naw, ya silly twit. You got the wrong idea. This is one of those romance things I told ya about."

"You mean one of those thing that I'm not allowed to think about until I'm 135 years old and that will result in instant death to anyone who comes within 10 feet of me with romancing-y stuff on his mind? Is that what you're talking about, Kenny?"

"Yea, that's the one. See, it's okay for them guys cause they're older than you." He picked up a stick and stirred the embers until they glowed brightly. A few sparks shot out in a miniature fireworks display.

"Okay, but because I'm still young, I have to kill anyone who wants to go on a romance with me, right Kenny?" asked the pink haired girl.

"Naw, naw, ya silly twit, that's my job. I get to kill 'em 'cause I'm kinda the father figure-type, see? You just watch and learn and never to have anything to do with boys ever again. Got it?"

"I always get that confused," She pulled his head back by the spikes so she could see his face. "Tell me again why I can't kill 'em."

"Look, when you decide to become a black widow spider, then you can kill 'em. Until then, that's a whole 'nuther discussion, okay?" He grabbed her by the collar, plucked her off his shoulder and set her down on a nearby log. "Right now, I got to concentrate on getting to Blondie for a rematch. He's cornered now. Ain't no way he's getting away from me this time."

"Captain Kenpachi," came a stern voice. "I came as soon as I could."

The captain spit on the fire and looked up, "Captain Unohana, well, ain't this my lucky day?"

"Lucky indeed. What are you doing out here?" The medic stood, arms crossed, looking sternly at the spike-haired man. "I told you to stay off your feet until that abscessed blister on the bottom of your foot is healed," she scolded.

"Eh, it felt better so I took a stroll," he said casually. "How the hell'd you know I was here?"

She opened her medical kit. "I was sent an emergency hell butterfly from this location, and I'll be the judge of whether it's better or not. Remove your sandals, please."

"I'm not removing my sandals." The big man gave a 'get a load of her' look to Yachiru, amused that the woman had the guts to order him around.

"You most certainly are. As your physician, I would be most derelict in my duties if I did not tend to your feet. Now either take off your sandals or I will have you forcibly removed to the fourth."

"Yea, you and whose army?"

Unohana pulled out her secret weapon. She said in a voice that made him lean in to listen, "Please, Kenpachi? It would mean the world to me. Shall we go to my office? We'll have tea after I examine your foot." She fluttered her eyelashes at the big man.

"Aw, alright. You know I can't turn you down when you do that, Retsu," he said with a hint of bashfulness. "Yachiru, keep an eye on Blondie for me, got it? I'm going to the fourth with the pretty lady."

"I wanna come with you," said the pink haired girl, bouncing from the log back onto his shoulder.

"Why do you wanna do that, ya runt?"

She said brightly, "I wanna watch you romancing with Braidy Lady."

Annoyed, he brusquely shooed her off and ordered, "Watch the blond."

After Kenpachi had let Unohana lead him off to the fourth, Yachiru stood and pondered her task. If she couldn't watch Kenny and learn about romance, then she knew where she could. The problem was that she had to keep an eye on Kira and couldn't be in two places at once. After some thought, she walked up the path to the eighth and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" came a gruff voice from behind the door.

"It's me. Open the door, Lollipop Head."

"Is the captain with you?"

"No."

Ikkaku opened the door and Yachiru popped in, zipping around the room, examining everybody and finally perching on top of Kira's head. She leaned over, sticking her upside down face into his.

"Augh! Get off of me!" he yelled.

"Kenny says I have to keep an eye on you." Her breath smelled like bubble gum.

"Go away, you little freak. You're creeping me out," he tried to wave her off, but she was stuck like the gum she had just lost in his hair. "Go bother someone in your division. I'm too tired to play with you."

"I'm not a freak. You're a doo-doo head. Kenny says you were looking for romance."

"No, I wasn't," he said. "I'm perfectly happy on my own, and besides, you're way too young, so don't even think about it."

"Not with me," she giggled. "You really are a doo-doo head. I think you like boys."

"I do not!" he yelled.

"Then you like Big Boobies, cause you're always hanging around her in your underwear."

"How do you know that?" His arms flailed through the air, batted away each time he tried to reach her in order to extricate her from his head.

"Something you're not telling us, 'Zuru?" teased Renji.

"No, it's not true," Kira protested. "She gets me drunk sometimes…and things happen…at least, I think they do."

"Liar. She says you look like a pencil." She leaped off Kira just in time to keep him from running head first into a wall in hopes of dislodging her and landed on the back of the couch where Shunsui was sitting.

"Why you little…" raged Kira, pacing back and forth furiously. "Why are you here? Captain Kyouraku, do I have to put with her?"

Shunsui rose from his couch, the girl hopping a ride on his shoulder, "Now, Vice Captain Kusajika, please state your business and be on your way, like a good little girl, all right?" smiled the captain, reaching up to pat her on the head. He smiled at Jushiro, "Cute little thing, isn't she?"

She peered around at him with her huge eyes and said perkily, "I could kill you and you wouldn't even know it until after you were dead..."

Ikkaku shook his head at her in reprimand.

"…but I won't because you're a friend of Lollipop Head. You smell like cheese. Why do you have so much hair?" She reached down and pulled a handful of chest hair.

"Ow! Why, you little…" In pain, he clutched the large red spot where she had removed a sizeable swath of dark man fur.

She looked at him, then at the hair in her hand. "Do you want it back?"

Before Shunsui could answer, Yumichika spoke up. "Vice Captain," he said, "why are you here?"

"Hi, Weirdo. I didn't see you." She stuffed the chest hair in her pocket and continued to pull at other hirsute areas of Captain Kyouraku, ignoring Yumichika and the captain's yelps of pain. Each time, he was too late to stop her and pretty soon, her pocket was overflowing with hair. Head hair, chin hair, chest hair, arm hair, not even underarm hair was safe.

Ikkaku took command of getting information from the eleventh division's resident pest. "Oy, Yachiru, what's up, you brat?"

To Shunsui's relief, she stopped plucking and answered. "I told you. Kenny said I had to keep an eye on Yellow Head because Yellow Head was looking for romance."

"I was not looking for romance," reiterated Kira. "I was looking for Hisagi and Nanao Ise until your captain got in the way."

"That's what I mean, Doo-Doo Head. I can show you where they're having romance."

The men exchanged looks of excitement and disbelief. The game was back on! "Where?" asked Shunsui excitedly, roughly pulling the vice captain from his shoulder, a lock of head hair going with her. She dangled in the air, her face contorted in an odd expression of satisfaction and anger, her arms crossed, the fingers of each hand knit together with webbings of hair.

"You tried to get rid of me, Scratchy Face." She kicked and missed. "And Kenny's going to kill you."

Shunsui gave her a good shake.

Yumichika leaned over to Renji, "I admire his courage."

"I'm not an angry man, lieutenant, but let me remind you that you have been pulling out my hair. Any retribution is going to be mine."

"Let me handle this," said Ikkaku, taking his charge away from Kyouraku and handing her to Yumichika. He stooped over, looked her in the eye and asked, "What do you want, Yachiru. Candy?"

"Nope, not this time," she said as her head shook from side to side.

"No candy? Holy…" Ikkaku was at a loss. "Then what is it? How can we get you to tell us where Hisagi and Nanao are?"

"I'll show you, but I want… come here, Bulby." She motioned to Ikkaku to move closer. As he did, she leaned out of Yumi's arms and whispered in his ear.

"I'm sure that can be arranged," laughed the third seat.

"Okay, you promise, right?"

"I promise. Believe me, ain't no way I'm going to break this promise."

"Goodie," smiled the girl, "then I'll show you where they are." She jumped back onto Kira and said, "Let's go, Doo-doo Head. I know the way. The rest of you, follow us and don't get lost. "

"Don't call me that, and why are you on me? I'm not even in your squad."

"You're pretty for a doo-doo head."

Captains Ukitake and Kyouraku, Renji, Yumichika and a smirking Ikkaku left the eighth division office with Kira and Yachiru in the lead, headed for wherever Hisagi had taken Nanao to dinner.

"So what did she want?" asked Renji, out of ear-shot of Kira.

Ikkaku burst out laughing, "As she put it, she wants to go on a romance with Kira, so naturally, I agreed."

"He's gonna kill you," laughed Renji.

Yumi sniffed, "I think our little vice captain is growing up."

* * *

**A/N** (1) I thank Babelfish for this odd translation of 'stay off the roof.' 'Keep off the roof' becomes 'avoid the roof.' I liked 'be restricted from the roof separated' even though it was awkward, so that's what I used.


	34. Moth to a Flame Part One

**A/N Thanks once again to all who have reviewed and to my wonderful regulars, even if I don't always thank you personally. I would have quit on this by now if it hadn't been for you guys. Thanks to all the new people who have added this as a favorite or as a chapter alert. I don't own Bleach. If I did, Hisagi would be the star. **

**And without further ado: **

**THE DATE! Moth to a Flame, Part One.**

* * *

Flash stepping across the Seireitei on a first date was not the way to make a good impression, Hisagi decided, but he was glad that he and Nanao had been able to shake off his friends. This date was going to be awkward enough without their 'helpful' interference. At least, he was sure the restaurant would be right; the captain general had suggested it.

The restaurant was called "Appeteasers" and sat on the corners of the Food Court of Pure Souls, a walking mall lined with myriad other eateries and sidewalk vendors, and Soul Gate Plaza, with lots of stores and an irate store owner with a bent sign. Appeteasers had a casual atmosphere and good food, intimate, yet not romantic. Small bistro tables with crisp red and white checkered tablecloths and cane-backed chairs dotted the restaurant. White aproned waiters fussed quickly over each one, pushing in a chair, straightening a place setting, as they bustled by on their way to other patrons. A large hooded shade with a light bulb as large and as smooth as Ikkaku's head highlighted each table. Crystals in the shades threw tiny prisms of brightness randomly about the room, breaking into the soft shadowy-yellow glow of the lights. Small votive candles, salt and pepper shakers, banded flatware and a small stack of square paper napkins in a wicker basket completed the table settings. After they were seated, Nanao wondered about the candles. Like this date, they didn't seem necessary.

"Really, you don't have to go through with this, Hisagi," said the serious black-robed woman. "We agreed to go out on a date, and we made it to the restaurant, so I'm letting you off the hook. We don't actually have to eat together. Walk out that door right now and don't look back. Nobody needs to know."

"A deal's a deal, Nanao, and I honor my commitments," he said calmly, looking at her instead of the door. "Besides, I want to do this. We haven't gotten off to a good start, but I'm not such a bad guy, you know." He smiled, but she didn't respond. "Look," he sighed, "we're here, so we might as well make the best of it. This evening might turn out to be fun after all. A little conversation, a little romance…"

"What did I do to deserve this?" she groaned, slumping back in her chair. "My captain sure found one damned honorable fool. You could walk out that door right this minute and be obligation free. But no, you're still sitting here, thinking this is a real date."

"I told you, I intend to have a good time tonight." He wasn't accustomed to wearing kimonos and strangly tie things for nothing, although when she had grabbed it and pulled him out of Shunsui's office, it was the first time he had enjoyed wearing the tie. He had already decided to make the most of an uncomfortable situation, but so far, the evening was not looking good. "Did I tell you that you look nice?"

"Face it, this is a mercy date for both of us, Hisagi. It means absolutely nothing, so keep your platitudes to yourself. Think of this as being on a date with yourself, buddy, because if you think I'm going to join in and have fun, you're sadly mistaken."

He laughed, half expecting her to join him. "You expect me to have a date with myself?"

Instead, she answered, "I'm sure you've done it before. Moonlit night, cold beer, girlie magazine, tube sock."

"Nice. Wash your mouth out with soap." Attempting to figure out what was going on, he asked, "Why the hell are you so mad at me? I'm trying here, which is more than I can say for you."

She pulled her glasses down on her nose and peered at him, "If you and your cronies had taken just one minute to stop and think about what you were doing, you could have saved us both from this incredible waste of time. A little common sense would have told you that the captain was full of bull. You could have told him 'thanks, but no thanks' and walked away scot-free. You wouldn't have had to do any of those ludicrous stunts, including stuffing your bra, and I wouldn't have had to put up with people laughing at me behind my back. And that is why I am so mad at you. Don't expect to see the words 'a good time was had by all' after this entry in my diary. If you're not leaving, then I say a good goal is to get through this incredibly painful evening without talking to each other and without boring each other to death."

"If you're so miserable, why don't you leave?"

"My feet hurt, Prince Charming."

Chastised, Shuuhei sat quietly for a few minutes, watching his fingers tap slowly in his lap, and contemplating his next words carefully. He had never considered himself a stupid man, but now was one of those times when his intelligence, as well as his sanity, was being called into question. He pulled at a hang nail. It bled.

As he looked back on the hogwash that Kyouraku had fed him, he realized fully just how absurd the tale had been. He had been caught up in Yumichika's enthusiasm for an idealized romance, in Ikkaku's penchant for mischief in the name of helping and Renji's desire to get Kuchiki. Even Kira had persuaded Shuuhei that the noble thing to do was to complete the tasks and take Nanao out on a date because, after all, she was his destiny. His own thirst for the quest, coupled with boredom and his damnable sense of honor (he had to agree with her there), had completed the package. He stuck the throbbing digit in his mouth.

Quite frankly, he had enjoyed almost every moment of the tasks, although his little toes were still a bit sensitive from wearing Rangiku's high heels. He had fallen for Kyouraku's tale of woe about his poor little Nanao's spontaneous combustion 'problem,' never stopping to think about the ulterior motive behind it all or the end result. All Hisagi had to do to save her was complete some ridiculous tasks and then take her out on a date to relieve the tension. Not even sex, although the captain had certainly hinted at it enough; just a date. And now, the quest was over and the date was on. He thought she'd be grateful, but instead, she made him feel foolish and used. Destiny! Ha! Wiping off the blood and saliva with a napkin, he applied pressure to stop the bleeding.

Yet for some unreasonable reason, as this woman spoke her mind, he found himself more attracted to her than before. _Like a moth to a flame_, he thought ruefully, examining the finger.

Finally, after carefully considering what to say, he stammered, "You have a diary?"

She pointed a butter knife at him. "Men are idiots, and you and your friends are at the top of the list. Don't get me wrong, Hisagi. You're nice enough, and I was touched by the rose at the party, although those flowers you wanted to give me tonight left a lot to be desired…"

"Agreed." He folded his arms over his chest, awaiting the next salvo.

"…But those friends of yours are reckless fools, complete idiots." She let the butter knife slip from her hand with a clatter onto the table. Heads turned. A waiter took the noise as his cue to deliver water to them with easy proficiency.

"If they're complete idiots, what am I, half an idiot?" He stared at her, his eyebrow lifted in disdain.

She stared back. "You think rather highly of yourself, don't you?"

His look intensified, unwilling to let her win the staring contest. "What does that mean?" he asked, eyes bugging.

"You're all reckless," she glowered, never moving her eyes from his. "Look at the wide-spread chaos you've caused with this ridiculous quest of yours. I've felt like some sort of microbe under a microscope in Kurotsuchi's lab. Everyone has been watching to see whether or not you manage to capture the Dragon Queen."

He flinched first.

She paused and nodded. "Yes, I'm aware of the nickname."

"So who am I on a date with, Nanao or the Dragon Queen?"

"You figure it out. Thanks to you, everybody has been up in my business, and I've had no privacy for over a week. I've had to put up with my completely insufferable captain as he plots to rid me of my virtue, or so he thinks, with a fool of a man who was gullible enough to fall for his nonsense. Guess who that is, Quest Pest."

Shuuhei felt his cheeks redden under her scrutiny. Speaking her mind was one thing; hitting where it hurts was something entirely different. He held a menu up in front of his face, pretending to study it. Since when was doing something honorable a sign of gullibility?

Her fingers grabbed the top of the menu, pulling it down. "You _should_ blush," she said, pushing it back up.

_Damn, _he thought. In spite of his initial optimism, it was obvious to him that she was determined to have a rotten time. He found himself envisioning her with flames shooting from her head and him with a big bag of marshmallows and a stick. Giving up the pretense, he dropped the menu on the table to find her staring at him again.

Before he could defend himself, she continued, "You used to be a perfectly disciplined, responsible man, Hisagi. Madarame, Abarai, Ayasegawa, and even Izuru Kira to a lesser extent, are out of control. Everywhere they go, chaos follows them, or maybe they create it. I'm not sure. But now they've taken you along for the ride. Just another idiot lost in the world of imaginary quests, tilting at windmills. Creating chaos." Just then, the waiter breezed by to take their orders. She waved him away. "I'm really not hungry."

"I've lost my appetite, too." Shuuhei idly picked up a salt shaker. Pouring an ample amount into his hand, he drew a design in it, then threw it over his left shoulder onto a dinner that another waiter had just brought out from the kitchen. He wiped his hands on his pant leg.

The waiter, unaware that he was serving Stroke on a Plate, placed the entrée in front of a gentleman with a long white beard tied with colorful fabric. After taking a bite, the angry old man lit the waiter's apron on fire, sending other waiters scurrying for water pitchers to put it out.

"So I'm not responsible any more, is that what you're saying?" Shuuhei asked.

Nanao glanced over his shoulder at the disturbance in the corner, but paid no attention to it. "No, just the opposite," she said. "I'm saying you're responsible for all of this chaos. It centers around you. You've been like a chaos magnet throughout this entire quest, and you're responsible for it all. I don't even think you're aware of how much chaos you've caused."

As waiters scurried around with mops and buckets to clean up the mess made by the waiter bonfire, Shuuhei defended himself, "That's completely untrue."

She picked up the butter knife, ready to point again. "Didn't your mother ever tell you that you're responsible for your actions? How could you go along with the captain's crazy scheme, not to mention your idiotic friends?" She pointed. "Maybe when you grow up, you'll learn to stand on your own two feet and not follow the crowd. But then again, you're a man, so that automatically makes you an idiot." Once again, the knife clattered to the table. Once again, heads turned, and after a brief wait, a slightly damp waiter appeared with water.

"I still have a shred of self-esteem left." He cocked his head to the side. "Shall I hand it to you or just toss it on the floor so you can stomp on it from there?"

Snorting airily, Nanao said, "I'm sure you have one or two redeeming qualities." Glancing at her fingernails, she added, "I might have looked harder had you brought chocolates."

"I did have chocolates," he argued, "but then I listened to your captain and gave you flowers."

She smiled to herself, "You can stop proving my point any time now."

Shuuhei, stinging from her comments, said spitefully, "You think you're pretty smart."

"I am," she agreed. "And any man that I date seriously is not going to be an idiot and try to flatter me with pretentious little comments that he doesn't really mean."

"So you really do think I'm an idiot?" If she did, he would be hard-pressed to disagree at this point.

"Look, Mr. High-And-Mighty," she pointed a finger at him this time, instead of the butter knife, "Do you really think you're the only one that the captain has put through this? I've been with him for over 100 years. Every decade or two, ever since I've hit puberty, when things are a little rocky between us, he takes it into his head to fix me up on a date with some loser. What lame story did he use on you? Was I the poor girl from the wrong side of town who had never been on a date before? Or maybe he told you the one where Kurotsuchi experimented on me and turned me into a sex addict. Talk about chaos. I had to beat the men off with a stick. Oh, I know!" She leaped out of her chair. "It was the spontaneous combustion thing, wasn't it? I saw the fire extinguisher. Oh, how does that one go? Let me think." She stood above him, arms crossed while she tried to remember.

Embarrassed by the attention she was drawing, Shuuhei pulled her elbow towards her chair, hoping the rest of her would follow. "Sit down and I'll refresh your memory."

"I knew it!" she said, doing as he had requested. "Go on." She rested her elbows on the table, her chin on her hands, and batted her eyelashes at him in mock interest.

"Sirens…mating ritual…sexual nirvana…saving your life. You know, the usual heroic stuff that stupidity springs from," he said bitterly.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Hisagi." She reached over to touch his arm. "You simply fell for one of the captain's little games. It's happened to others; now it's happened to you. I guarantee that you won't be the last."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better? I'm only one in a long line of stooges? Thanks a lot. What other absurd tale can I fall for? Aren't you going to tell me is that Hitsugaya is Ukitake's love child?" He threw his drink down his throat and slammed the glass on the table. It was refilled immediately.

"I wouldn't know. I try not to make myself a nuisance in other people's lives." Watching the distraught man brought Nanao an uneasy satisfaction. While it felt good to make him squirm, it also felt wrong. He was a victim of her captain as much as she was. "Take it easy, Lover Boy," she said gently, desiring to smooth things over with him. "If it's any consolation, you had an out and you didn't take it. I think it's kind of sweet, maybe even a little romantic, that you want to go through with this date."

"I think I want to kill your captain right about now. How's that for romantic?"

A slight pause wavered in the air before she answered with a smile, "Frankly, I find that answer rather sexy. I'd like to kill him too." She looked at him over her glasses. "Maybe this date is going to work out after all. Waiter," she called, "we're ready to order. Like you said, we might as well make the best of this. I assume Captain Kyouraku is paying?"

"Yes." Hisagi flashed the credit card, drawing waiters like flies to honey.

"Order expensive. A wise woman once told me that free rides are more fun in expensive cars."

* * *

As they sat waiting in silence for their orders to be brought, Hisagi eyed the pretty brunette. There was no doubt that he had been stung by her comments, but once they were aired, she seemed to calm down and even began to relax. The waiters, back to their bustling routines, brought breadsticks and a plate of the appetizers that the restaurant was known for and refilled their water glasses every five minutes.

She offered a short apology, "I'm sorry. Chalk it up to frustration with my captain and men in general. You just happened to be in range."

"I can accept that, but I'm taking the target off my forehead. Think we can salvage this evening?"

"We can try," she conceded, "although I'm not sure why you would want to continue on a mercy date."

He rolled the paper band that had held his silverware between two fingers. "I've been told I'm a masochist, and maybe I am. I work hard, I play hard and I earn every bit of pleasure that I take."

"I can accept that," she said quietly, mulling the words over in her mind. They dropped into silence again, munching on breadsticks, waiting for their dinners to arrive. "Smells like they burnt something."

Watching his tablemate carefully, Hisagi noticed how smooth and soft Nanao's skin was. Her figure from what he could make out from underneath her heavy robes was slender and probably shapely, and her hands were delicate. Her hair, pulled up behind in a messy twist, had a blue-black shine to it that added a richness to her already dark hair. The lights in the restaurant played off the highlights. Hisagi was captivated by the woman's natural beauty in spite of the dense red lipstick plastered on her lips.

But what he noticed most were her eyes, large open eyes with long lashes hidden behind glasses that were neither thick nor thin. Before he could stop himself, he asked, "Do you really need your glasses?"

Surprised, she stared at him before answering, boring a hole into him that made him fidget. She had already won one staring contest that evening. He was not about to get into another.

"I-I mean, do you need them to read? Or for long distance?" He fought against his urge to recoil under her glare, bringing him a new boldness. "Or do you just use them to ward off idiots like Captain Kyouraku and me?"

Her eyes widened even further and to Hisagi's relief, brief laughter emerged from her throat, much like a wind chime in a soft breeze. He found her laughter enchanting.

"You caught me, Hisagi!" she chuckled. "My glasses have kept me from getting more dates than I can remember."

"Take them off."

Intrigued by his boldness, she asked, "Aren't you afraid I'll turn you into stone with one look? Isn't that one of the lines the captain has used on you?"

"No, more along the lines of you freezing my ass off. I'll take my chances. Please take them off? I'd like to see your eyes."

She found herself suddenly self-conscious. "You really are an idiot," but she assented anyway, not sure why. "All right, but only for a minute. I really do need them to see." She removed her glasses and squinted in his direction.

Sensing her vulnerability without them, Shuuhei moved closer into range so she wouldn't have to squint. He gazed solidly into her violet eyes, while she gazed back, full of questions and uncertainty. The upper hand was now his, and they both knew it, but it wasn't a staring contest this time. It was more sensual. It was an intimacy that neither had predicted. Taking her glasses from her hand, he positioned them gently back on her face and withdrew to his side of the table, placing them back on equal footing. She adjusted the glasses, then stared at her hands folded in her lap.

"Well?" she asked timidly, trying to calm her trembling insides.

"Well, what?" He picked up a paper napkin and began to rip it.

"You ask me to take off my glasses, then you don't tell me what you're thinking?"

"I didn't think it would matter to you," he said nonchalantly, occupied with the napkin under the table.

"Why wouldn't it?" she challenged.

Without looking at her, he replied, "Why should my opinion matter when you're only here on a mercy date?"

Her mouth dropped open and she sputtered, "I… you…how dare you use that against me! Do you think I go around taking my glasses off for every Shinigami that asks? The captain hasn't even seen me without them in years. That was a gift! You didn't earn that pleasure, boy-o!"

"So you're saying I should feel honored?" He smiled inwardly as he watched the color rise in her face.

Nanao was livid. Her glasses were as close to a security blanket as she would allow herself. To take them off was to submit to another, something she was not used to doing. Even in her relationship with Shunsui, even though he ordered her around, she was the one most often in control. "I don't do that for just anybody, you moron!"

"Fine," he laughed. "At least, I've moved out of the rank of idiot. Take a joke, Nanao. I think you look lovely. You have beautiful eyes."

"You don't mean that," she replied. His opinion had suddenly taken on immense importance, but she couldn't trust what she was hearing.

"Yes, I do," he said simply.

Dismayed by what she perceived as his too casual attitude, Nanao turned her head away and recited her mantra, "All men are idiots, not to be believed." She struggled with why she had trusted this one just now.

Leaving the napkin in his lap, he leaned forward in his chair, hands braced on the table. "So I'm back to being an idiot? Thank you for taking my sincere compliment and turning it into crap."

"How can you be upset with me, when you're the one being fake?" she asked, perplexed by his annoyance.

He threw his hands up, "How am I being fake? I said you looked lovely."

"That's what I mean. You know you're blowing smoke out your behind."

"I am not. I meant it."

"Bull." She crossed her arms and watched a waiter pour champagne for an older couple celebrating their anniversary of many years. "What else did Kyouraku put you up to?"

Glancing at the happy couple only angered Hisagi. "'Oh, thank you, Shuuhei, for seeing my natural beauty under all the lipstick.' 'Thank you, Shuuhei, for seeing past my rude behavior.' 'Thank you for trying to make sure that I'm having a nice time, Shuuhei.' 'Thank you, Shuuhei, for being a man so I can call you names, you blooming idiot.'"

"You're here because of him; I'm here because of him," she said, watching Hisagi closely. "Everything out of your mouth is a lie. He ordered you to say those nice things, just like he told you to go on that stupid quest. This is all part of it! Is he paying you to stay here with me? Is that why you won't leave? What's the going rate per compliment?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not Rangiku or even Isane, so don't go telling me that I'm lovely because you're lying to me and I know it. He put you up to it."

"Whoa, there, young filly. Settle down a little." _I hope she doesn't think I'm calling her a horse,_ he thought. _That would be really bad._ He needn't have worried. Nanao was too focused on Shunsui.

"Not only does my captain think he owns my life and can order me around anyway that he wants, but he says stuff like that to me all the time and it's all garbage. That man couldn't give a woman a sincere compliment if his life depended on it. It would be full of innuendo, just like what you said."

Shuuhei's patience was beginning to wear thin. "Number one, I'm not your captain. Number two, your insecurities are showing. And number three, how is 'you look lovely' full of innuendo? I thought you were the smart vice captain."

"I don't have to sit here and listen to your insults!"

"Nanao, calm down already. I wasn't insulting you." Shuuhei looked over to the married couple who were watching intently, shaking their heads. He shrugged his shoulders towards them. The old man nodded in agreement, only to be whacked in the arm by his wife who stalked out of the restaurant. He grabbed her purse and shuffled quickly after her.

"I don't have to listen to this," Nanao said heatedly.

Hisagi was dumbfounded. "Lady, you have issues."

"So go ahead," she said. "If you don't want to be with me, walk away."

"I wouldn't give you the satisfaction." He folded his arms over his chest, sticking out his lower lip petulantly.

"No? Then maybe I will."

"I thought your feet hurt."

"Not enough to stay here for one more minute." Nanao stood and began to gather her things, warring with the warm fluid that wanted to escape from her eyes. A wealth of emotions flooded through her, from anger to frustration, from embarrassment to fear. She felt her control slowly slipping away. Confused, she didn't want to leave, but she was too terrified to remain with Hisagi any longer. She might start believing him.

As she started to leave the table, a hand reached out, grabbed her arm and gently pulled her back.

"Sit down," he said firmly, yet quietly.

"Why should I?" she whimpered, holding back the tears as best she could.

"Because I told you too."

She plopped back down in her chair, defeated. "See what I mean? You think you can order me around too. Why is it that every man in my life thinks he can order me around? What do I look like, your slave girl? Do you want me in chains?"

"You're being ridiculous, although a French maid outfit might look pretty good." He grinned a silly smirk intended to cheer her up.

"How can you make jokes? Why can't anyone respect me around here? That's all I ask, just a little respect and a little help now and then. Instead I get this! A date, something else to take up time that I don't have." The pent-up frustrations came pouring out of the distraught woman, but the tears came faster, much to her disgust. "You're right, this is ridiculous. Why am I crying? Over you, of all people. I don't even know you."

If there was anything Hisagi hated worse than emotional man chat, it was an emotional woman in tears. Even worse, an emotional woman in tears over him. _Guilt sucks,_ he sighed. He handed her a clean napkin. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I just thought you looked nice, that's all. I'm sorry. I won't make that mistake again."

"I hate you!" She dabbed her eyes, glad that she had washed off the mascara that Rangiku had applied. "I don't cry. The Dragon Queen never cries, yet you've reduced me to blubbering because you can't keep your man trap shut. You better not tell a soul, you hear me? I have a reputation to protect."

"My lips are sealed." He was amused.

"It's about time. I've had enough of you and your lies. Never tell a woman you think she looks lovely when you don't mean it."

"But I did mean it!" he protested.

She countered, "He put you up to it."

"Are we back to that again? Do I have to prove it to you?" He slammed back in his chair in exasperation, almost knocking over a waiter passing behind him.

"I'd like to see you try!" Crossing her arms, she turned her body sideways away from him.

Watching her closely, he said, "Fine, I will. I like a challenge."

"Fine, this I gotta see." She rolled her eyes and watched the waiters manhandle the anniversary couple, who had left without paying, back into the restaurant and into a back room. Even with the closed door, loud noises and bumps could be heard.

"Close your eyes," Shuuhei ordered from across the table.

"What?" A slight glance in his direction was all she allowed herself.

He repeated, "Close your eyes, _please_."

She felt his eyes on her, so she twisted her head to look at him, trying to figure out what he was up to.

"You have to trust me sometime," he said with a smile.

"No, I don't," she said, closing her eyes. "Why am I doing this?" Uncertainty and fear fought with each other to be her primary emotion. Curiosity conquered both.

"You'll see." His deep smooth voice seemed closer than before.

"How am I going to see anything with my eyes closed?"

"I'm going to touch you," Hisagi said gently in her ear. "Keep them closed."

Nanao cringed, waiting for something, not knowing what to expect. "So help me if you touch me on my…" Her words were blotted out as her mouth was covered with paper moving swiftly across her lips. Well, that was certainly not what she had expected. She opened her eyes as the lipstick smeared napkin was replaced by cool gray eyes, warm moist lips and the scent of peppermint. The kiss lasted only a moment, until Shuuhei pulled back and asked, "Now do you believe me?"

He returned to his side of table, the devil dancing in those gray eyes. "And don't think I'm going to apologize. I meant every bit of that suction."

"Fine," she retorted, swallowing hard to regain her composure which had gone crashing to the floor. Had she been standing, she would have been on the floor with it. "Don't do it again."

"I will if I have to," said the dark-haired death god. "Count on it."

"You're still a jerk, you idiotic moron stupid person."

"Do I have to come over there again?" he threatened casually.

A small smile cracked the veneer of her face. "No, I'll behave." Another kiss would devastate her.

After a slight pause, he looked up from the clean napkin that he was carefully shredding, since the first one had fallen to the floor and been whisked away by a waiter with a broom.

"Still think I'm an idiot?"

"You're a man. All men are idiots, just to varying degrees, some better than others."

"Where do I fall on that scale?"

"I suppose," she sighed, "you're better than most of the men I have to deal with."

"Would this help redeem my fellow man?" He held out the napkin to her.

She took it slowly, turning the shredded mess over in her hand before looking at him quizzically. "No, I think this just reinforces that men are garbage."

"Open it."

As she carefully unfolded the napkin, a shape began to emerge. It was an intricately crafted snowflake torn from the napkin. She held it up to the light and marveled at the detail he had been able to achieve.

"I work better with scissors."

"It's lovely," she said, genuinely pleased.

"So are you."

"Thank you." She smiled sweetly at him. Her smile reached her eyes and they glittered in the light like twin violet fires.

_Like a moth to those violet flames_, he thought, _I'm a goner._

* * *

**A/N One more chapter of the date to come, then everything gets turned on its head. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review. ;o)**


	35. Moth to a Flame Part Two

**A/N Welcome to the second part of Shuuhei and Nanao's date! Life has been interfering with my writing lately, so updates haven't been as quick. My apologies, but life just insists on having my attention whether I want to give it or not. Fear not, dear Saritenite and my other wonderful readers, the story is not ending yet. ;o) It may take me awhile to post at times (darned life), but the tale will go on…and on…and on…and on…and on…and on…and on…sort of like the**_** bear went over the mountain**_** (1) song…or until Tite Kubo can't take it any more or I own bleach, whichever comes first (I'm not counting on the second one.) And if my AD/HD kicks in, I may never be able to finish it…wasn't there a bear here a minute ago?**

* * *

After a few dead ends, numerous wrong turns, and two trips back to the eighth to start over again, the group was no closer to finding Nanao and Hisagi than they had been forty-five minutes before, yet no one wanted to question Yachiru's sense of direction. They stopped to catch their breath in the business district of the Rukongai. The area was loud with trendy shops and restaurants, and street vendors hawking their foods, as the smells of cinnamon and curries and grilling meats permeated the air.

"Do you have any idea where we're going?" asked Kira gruffly to the girl on his shoulder. "I'm tired of carrying you around."

"You're bony, Doo-doo Head; my butt hurts," moaned the pink-haired sprite. Hopping to the ground, she put a finger to her lip and surveyed the area. At last, she said, "I want a pickle." With what she considered a flirty smile and a wink to Kira, but looked more like she had sucked on a lemon and gotten some in her eye, she skipped off down the street, turning a corner where a restaurant sign was hanging.

"How do you put up with her?" asked Kira, rubbing his neck, oblivious to her flirtation attempt.

"We manage," snickered Yumichika, who had noticed. "We make a lot of deals with her."

"What kind of deals? Candy? Cakes?" asked the blond, trying to extricate some fresh bubble gum from his hair. "It might help me get rid of her."

"I'm afraid you're stuck with her, Pastry Boy," whooped Ikkaku. Yumichika, holding a hankie in front of his face, snickered again.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kira's gaze swiveled between Ikkaku and Yumichika looking for an explanation that didn't come. All he got in reply was laughter, even from Renji. "I hate you all," he scowled. He grabbed Yumi's hankie and wiped the gum into it.

Miffed, Yumi said, "I hate you more! You've ruined my pretty hankie."

"Cry baby."

"Hankie hater! Get him, Ikkaku!"

"Now, boys, after all that running around," said Ukitake, distancing himself from the Kira feeding frenzy, "we might as well have some food too. Come on, Shunsui, I feel like I need to eat. My treat."

"Awfully kind of you, Jushiro," said the pink robed captain. He turned out his pockets. "I'm without funds at the moment. Hisagi has my charge card for his date with my dear little Nanao. I do hope he at least (what do they say in the real world?) gets to second base."

Ukitake stared open mouthed at his friend. He scolded, "Turn off that blasted box, Shunsui! They're not playing that real worlder game of ball the bases. They're on a date."

"It's called baseball, Jushiro, old friend," laughed Kyouraku. "But, I pray you, tell me the difference between the two. Isn't dating, just like baseball, simply a game of scoring the most?"

"You're impossible, Shunsui. If we weren't the same age, I'd call you a dirty old man. Come on. The place the little vice captain went to eat seems nice. Shall we, my perverted friend?" Ukitake turned to walk away and Shunsui followed.

He waved to the others. "We'll see you boys later. If you see or hear anything about Hisagi and Nanao, report in immediately."

"Yes, Captain Kyouraku," said Renji. As the two men sauntered away, Renji added, "I'm pretty hungry myself. Anyone else up for grub?"

"Sure," said Yumi, "but I refuse to eat from one of those sidewalk carts. And I don't want 'grub;' I want real food."

"I just want booze," said Ikkaku.

"Neanderthal," Yumi sniffed. "Let's try someplace pretty, like where they're going." He pointed towards the captains as they disappeared around the corner with the restaurant sign.

"Do we have to sit with 'em?" whined Ikkaku. "I don't wanna."

"Now Ikkaku," soothed Yumi, "I'm sure the good captains are sicker of you than you are of them."

"What's that mean? Do we have to sit with them or not?"

"No, you lamebrain," said Renji, heading off towards the restaurant. "I'll get us a table, away from anyone with class. That way Ikkaku won't have to worry about putting on his best Sunday manners."

"Dude," Ikkaku called after him, "you're speaking a foreign language."

Kira tsked, "Ikkaku, you have no couth."

Yumichika leaned his head heavily on Kira's shoulder, "I've tried to rid him of his uncivilized ways, but it's such a monumental task and there is only one of poor little ol' me."

"Yumi," Kira comforted, "you can't make lemonade out of bananas, and Ikkaku is definitely bananas."

Yumichika nodded solemnly, posing with his forearm to his brow. "One man's Bananas Foster is another man's Banana Split."

"What's that mean?"

"I don't know, but all this talk about bananas has made me hungry. Let's find Red."

As Kira started to follow Yumi, Ikkaku purposely stepped into his path, causing the blond to haul up short to avoid hitting him. "Hey, Kira," said the man in his face, "since we're going to be in the same restaurant as Yachiru, why don't you go sit with her?"

"Why would I want to do that?" asked the puzzled blond, pushing him.

Ikkaku grinned wickedly, "'Cause she's a hot dish and you know it! Pink hair, short body, big head. What more can a hungry man beast like you want?"

"Certainly not that!" said Kira loudly. "This is the second piece of bubble gum I've had to pull out of my hair tonight."

"Isn't that sweet?" gushed Yumi. "She must really like you to share her bubblegum with you twice. You should feel honored. By the way, you owe me a hankie."

"I'm glad you're kidding," said Kira.

"Oh, but I'm not," said Yumi. "She's very particular about who she shares her gum with. Love is in the air. Can't you feel it? I want linen, not some cheap polyester thing."

A nasally voice sang, "Kira and Yachiru sittin' in a tree…"

"Shut up, Ikkaku."

"…K-I-S-S-I-N-G," he spelled, "First he's fine, Then he's bitter, There goes Kira, He's a baby sitter. HA! I kill myself!" he cried, doubling over in hilarity.

"I hate you both," emo-ed Kira. "She's a little freak, she's underage and under height and I wouldn't kiss her if Renji's life depended on it."

Yumi asked, "Why not your life?"

"Kuchiki's after him. He's dead anyway. So there."

"True."

"So there yourself, Dagger Bangs," said Ikkaku, "'cause I promised her you'd go on a date with her if she led us to Hisagi and Nanao."

"YOU WHAT?" Kira's voice rose above the din of the noisy street. "I am not going on a date with that little runt you call a vice captain!"

"Yes, you are," said Ikkaku, patting the blond on the back. "I promised her." He threw an arm over Kira's shoulder, his other hand on his zanpakutou.

"What our vice captain wants, our vice captain gets," said Yumi as if it was a fact that could not be debated.

"That's right," Ikkaku agreed, pulling Kira's head close, "and if you don't do it, Yumi and I will hunt you down, gift wrap you and send you to Kenpachi for a little wrasslin.' You ready to wrassle, 'Zuru?"

Kira shoved Ikkaku aside and screamed, shaking his fists. "IKKAKU MADARAME, I HOPE TEN THOUSAND PORCUPINES CRAWL UP YOUR ASS BACKWARDS!!" He stormed off towards the restaurant after Renji.

"That's harsh," sulked Ikkaku. "Ten thousand."

"You know, Ikkaku," said Yumichika, "we still haven't found our elusive lovebirds yet, so technically, Kira's off the hook."

"Fine," said Ikkaku. "But I still got porcupines to deal with and I'm not going to be the one to tell Yachiru that her romance ain't gonna happen."

"I just hope he lets her down easy," sighed Yumichika, heading towards the restaurant.

"Yea, he's already got Kenpachi after him. Yachiru's ten times worse. 'Appeteasers,' huh? So this is where Doo-doo Head's going to eat his last meal."

"We should probably treat," said Yumi, patting down his hair, "except he'll be dead and we'll be stuck with the bill."

"So, we steal his wallet," shrugged Ikkaku. "He won't be using it."

* * *

When their first course arrived, Nanao and Shuuhei ate in comfortable silence, exchanging occasional comments about the food. As each course was cleared from the table, Nanao guarded her snowflake napkin keenly to keep it from being swept up in the trash. Her avid protection of it amused Hisagi. His thoughtfulness had obviously pleased her immensely and he liked knowing that something he had done had made her happy. His world was beginning to zero in on Nanao, and he liked it. For her part, Nanao had noticed his intense interest and she was surprised to realize that she enjoyed being the object of his thoughts.

Towards the end of the meal, the mood at their table had lightened considerably. They were comfortable enough with each other to be able to joke around without fear of retribution.

"Seriously, what's the point of calling this a date?" he said, putting a forkful of cheesecake in his mouth. "Dating sounds so…Shinigami school, you know what I mean? Let's call it 'a social engagement for two.'"

"Yes, but 'engagement' might give people the wrong idea," she said, waggling her ring finger at him. "How about 'a meal with exclusive chat?'"

"I recommend a 'dining rendezvous.'"

"Sounds so mysterious, like we're about to exchange spy secrets. 'Eating with a friend?'"

He paused. "Are we friends, Nanao?"

"I don't know," she said quietly. "There's a lot of garbage to get past, isn't there? What, with you running around questing all over the place to save my life even though I didn't ask you to."

"Hey, a guy's gotta quest when a guy's gotta quest. Damsels in distress don't come along every day."

"Well, except for that Orihime girl. Seems to me that girl gets herself in distress a lot."

"Jealous?"

"Hardly. She makes that poor substitute Shinigami save her two or three times before she finally decides to be saved for good."

"I've met her," he shrugged. "She's okay. She's not as helpless as she seems."

"Okay? Just okay? Doesn't your little heart go pitter patter over her huge assets?"

"Again, is this jealousy that I hear?" He leaned back lazily in the chair, arm dangling off the back. "Sure, she's got jugs just like Matsumoto, and she's a good person. But I like my women feisty. I like a good kick in the teeth now and again when I say something she doesn't like. I like my women to be organized workaholics, completely devoted to their captains…well, with room for me, of course. I like 'em with glasses, heavy red lipstick, hair pulled back, dressed in heavy conservative robes, and who can shunpo around the Seireitei in heels like nobody's business. That's what really turns me on, not some babe with hooters out to here. If you had huge hooters, I wouldn't even look in your direction. As it is, I can barely look at you."

"Why is that? And please don't use 'hooters' again."

Chuckling, he leaned forward over the table, saying in a seductive voice, "It's that _come-hither take-me-Shuuhei_ look in your eyes. It's repulsive."

"You are such a jerk, you know that?" she smiled, blushing. "I wouldn't tell you to come hither if you paid me to."

"Let's test that theory." He reached into his pocket and sat back. "I have a Seireitei Express card that says if I buy you anything you want, you'll tell me to come hither real soon." He waved the card in front of her face.

"Sure, you're the one with the card," she laughed. "I'd tell you to 'come hither and pay for this, you lousy good-for-nothing jerk.'"

Shuuhei slapped a hand on his knee. "That's my girl. Music to my ears."

"What an idiot and you're considered a role model for our younger Shinigami? Give me a break!" She rolled her eyes and threw a raisin from her raisin rum cake at him. He tried to catch it in his mouth and missed.

Just then the waiter walked up their table with a half-empty bottle of sake, disrupting their easy conversation. The interruption was unwelcome to both of them. "Compliments of the four gentlemen in the corner."

Nanao and Hisagi looked to the corner where the waiter was pointing. Renji, Ikkaku, and Yumichika were waving, whooping and hollering. Kira was quickly downing a cup of sake and reaching for Renji's.

"You're the man, Hisagi!" yelled Renji.

"Hey, 'Sagi Bottom, getting' any yet?" Ikkaku bellowed from across the room.

"Shut up, 'Kaku, you have no classh," scolded Kira, who looked like he was half-soused. "I thin' I'm going to throw up."

"At least, it isn't Ikkaku this time," said Yumichika. "Looking good there, Hisagi. Who put your look together? They must have a beautiful fashion sense," he preened.

Ikkaku yelled, "Hey, Nanao, a lady always waits for the second date before she puts out." The four, even Kira, burst into raucous laughter.

"If she doesn't burst into flames first!" yelled one of them over the cacophony of noise.

"How would you know, Ikkaku?" bellowed Renji. "You've never even been on a second date! One date with you and they turn feral and run for the hills! "

"Why, you…" Ikkaku reached over Yumi and grabbed Renji by the collar.

"So, take a lesson, Kira," teased Yumi, "and don't expect to get anything from your little pink-haired love bunny until the second date."

"Why you…" Kira ducked under Ikkaku's arm and across his body to snatch Yumi's orange wristband. The quartet struggled with each other, looking like tag team wrestlers who got too personal with a tube of superglue.

"Let go, you turkey…"

"Take that back…"

"You're stretching my pretty…"

"I hate you all. I think I'm goin' to throw up."

"The other way! The other way!"

Shuuhei groaned, hiding his head in his hands. Sliding his hands down his face so he could see her, he said in a muffled voice, "I am so sorry, Nanao. I didn't think they'd find us here. The captain general said this place didn't get a lot of Shinigami in it."

"There's no escaping the idiots," she reminded him, as the waiter returned to their table with a bottle of champagne.

The waiter cleared his throat to get their attention. "From the distinguished looking thin gentleman with the white hair, the unshaven man dressed in the gaudy pink kimono and the older colorfully bearded pyromaniac who likes to set waiters on fire."

It was now Nanao's turn to groan. Sure enough, Captains Ukitake and Kyouraku had found Captain General Yamamoto, scrunchies and all, and were seated at his table in the opposite corner of the room. Kyouraku and Ukitake lifted their glasses in the air to the couple as Yama-Jii looked on in disgust. When their drinks suddenly burst into flames, two waiters appeared from nowhere with small fire extinguishers to douse the fires. Plumes of white dust filled the corner and the waiters retreated back to their unseen positions through the smoke, readying themselves should there be a third fire in that corner and glad that they had not ended up in flames too.

"Why is he here?" she complained. "He'll ruin everything!" She was obviously disgusted.

Shuuhei patted her hand. "After my friends, there's not much damage left to be done."

"Hisagi, can we get out of here. Please?" Her eyes were pleading with him.

"Sure, let's go. This is too much for me too." As they stood to gather their things, the waiter returned once again.

"From the pink haired child," he said, pointing to Yachiru who stood on her chair and waved vigorously. He handed Hisagi a can of soda pop. "She said to tell you that she can't wait until it's her night to get something to drink from all of her friends…"

"That's Yachiru."

"…and that if you can't finish it, she'd be glad to."

"Thank you."

"And that she can be found in her captain's office, playing tic-tac-toe with Kenny, whoever he is."

"Fine, thank you."

"Or having a romance with some yellowed haired person."

"Okay, okay."

"She also liked my apron," said the waiter, walking away at last.

Nanao had refolded the snowflake and carefully tucked it into her bag. "I'm ready to go," she said.

"How do we get out of here without them following us?" Shuuhei asked.

She smiled, "I have a secret weapon. Grab the champagne and the soda can."

Doing as he was told, Hisagi followed Nanao through the restaurant towards where Yachiru was sitting, happily munching on giant-sized pickles while making noises that sounded like 'nom nom nom.' (2)

"Hey, Yachiru."

"Hey, Scary Glasses, Number Face."

Hisagi nodded an amused hello to the pink haired sprite in the vice captain's insignia. "Thanks for the soda."

"Sure, next Tuesday is my turn to get stuff, only I want candy."

"I'll remember that," said Hisagi.

"You better or Kenny won't be happy."

"Yachiru," said Nanao seriously, changing the subject. "Did you read it yet?"

"No, Kenny's kept me busy lately trying to catch my boyfriend."

Shuuhei looked at Nanao, who was as puzzled as he was by the girl's comment.

"Besides," she continued, "you never listen to what I say anyway."

"You promised you'd read it," sighed Nanao. "I asked you days ago! And I do consider what you have to say. Your opinion is very important to me. It's my benchmark and I couldn't do without it, Yachiru. I promise."

"You really should write in a smaller book. That's one's too big to carry around. Kenny says it's heavier than me." It was then that Hisagi noticed that Nanao wasn't carrying her usual large tome.

"You're not carrying your manual today?" he asked.

"Well, we are on a date, but I'll explain later," she replied. "When can I expect your response?" she asked Yachiru.

"In a few days. I told you, I have other things to do, Glasses Lady. I'm trying to go on a romance."

"Oh? And who might this romance be with, Yachiru?" asked Nanao with a grin.

"My hamsome cutie pie." She gave a coy finger wave to Kira in the corner. He grabbed Ikkaku's drink out of his hand, downed it and reached towards Yumichika, who surrendered his drink without resistance. "Don't you think he's a bomb blond shell?"

"Yachiru! Where did you hear something like that?" asked Nanao, surprised that the girl knew that phrase…or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

"Around," she replied. After all, her pre-teenie magazines gave her all kinds of information, before they disappeared from the bathroom where she kept them. She pulled both Nanao and Shuuhei closer and whispered, "I got the hots on him.

Shuuhei corrected, "I have the hots for him."

"You too?" asked the girl angrily, reaching for her zanpakutou. "Stay away from him! He's mine!"

"No, Yachiru," said Shuuhei hastily, "I meant that the right way to say it is that you have the hots for him." He ran a hand through his hair. "Although we're talking about you and Kira and it just sounds so wrong."

"He's a vicey; I'm a vicey. I don't see a problem," said the girl. "It's not like I got hots on a third seat or something." Across the room, Ikkaku sneezed.

"But…" Shuuhei began to protest. Nanao gave him a hard elbow to the ribs to be quiet. "Never mind."

"Does he know you have a crush on him?" she asked.

Yachiru looked at her curiously. "I don't want to crush him. I just want to romance with him."

Shuuhei asked, "Why do you want to have a romance with Kira?"

"'Cause you were taken," she said coquettishly, batting her eyes at Hisagi in a frightening whites-of-the-eyeballs way. "I heard you're a hunk. Hunk of what? Cheese? Mashed potatoes?"

He put an arm around Nanao and pulled her close, speaking directly into her ear, "Have I thanked you recently for going out with me?"

"I was kidding," laughed Yachiru merrily. "Number Face thought I really meant it. He thought I wanted to romance with him! How funny is that? I can't wait till I tell Kenny. He's going to laugh so hard and then he's going to kill you."

"Wait a minute," Hisagi protested. "I'm not a bad catch, am I?" He turned to Nanao. "Am I? You like being out with me, right? Right? She's a child. What does she know about men?"

Nanao gave him a little shoulder nudge, "Easy there, Macho Man. She did call you a hunk of undetermined substance. If Kira's not available, you can be next in line."

"I'll be busy that night," he assured her.

She smiled up at her date and asked, "How do you know?"

"Trust me." He nodded his head, and she watched with amusement as Hisagi rolled his eyes.

"Yep, yep, me too," said Yachiru brightly, although the pickle she was chewing masked their words with its crunchiness.

As the girl swallowed, Nanao said, "I still need your response, Yachiru." She crossed her arms over her chest and eyed the pickle eating sprite thoughtfully. At last, she spoke. "Two bags of candy. The really gooey kind that Captain Zaraki doesn't like you to have."

"Two bags?" questioned Yachiru, ready to negotiate. "The day after tomorrow. Best I can do for two bags."

"Three bags. Tonight. Final offer," countered Nanao. "And I'll throw in the can of soda that you sent over to our table if you'll keep those other two tables from following us." She pointed to the two packs of Shinigami on the far side of the restaurant.

"Not the people, just the tables?" Yachiru asked innocently.

"The people, Yachiru!"

"I knew that, you silly," she giggled. "Get me another pickle and it's a deal."

The waiter was called over, and the pickle was ordered and charged to Captain Kyouraku's account.

"You'll keep them here until we can get away?"

"I said it was a deal, didn't I? And if they don't want to play romance, I'll get your book read tonight." She jumped into Shuuhei's arms and patted him on the head. "Your hair doesn't hurt me like my boyfriend's does. It's been nice talking to you, Hunky Man. Bye, Candy Lady. Just don't forget next Tuesday."

"It's a deal, Yachiru. Come on, Candy Lady. Let's go."

"Right behind you, Hunky Man." They waved to her as they walked away, looking very much like a couple on a date.

Yachiru giggled after them, grabbed her soda and flash-stepped off in the direction of the other two tables. Shaking the can as she opened it, she danced across both tables, spraying the men who sat there with the sticky ultra-sugary liquid.

Hisagi and Nanao ducked out the door of Appeteasers and down the street to the fading sounds of Hurricane Yachiru leaving destruction in her wake.

* * *

**A/N** (1) _The bear went over the mountain_, X3, _To see what he could see_.

_He saw another mountain_, X3, _And what do you think he did?_

Back to the first verse, repeat until you're sick of it.

(2) This was a DolphinWhisperer challenge. Check out her story _Bleached Ice_ – she's added a new chapter. I stole the Ikkaku sneeze from it. Miss you, DW!


	36. Swans Are For Lovers

**A/N Hello again! Special thanks to my dear XiaBubbleQueen and SendMoreParamedics for their comments on the last chapter and to DolphinWhisperer for her suggestions! Another long chapter for you – continuing the date. Enjoy, enjoy, comment, comment, and surprise, surprise, I don't own Bleach. ;o)**

* * *

After the chaos of the restaurant, the walk through the Rukongai shopping district was a welcome respite. Unbeknownst to Hisagi and Nanao, the captain general had forbidden anyone at the restaurant to leave, essentially sealing the dining room with all patrons, Shinigami and otherwise, inside. Renji had tried to bribe a waiter from the kitchen to follow them; however, after several fires involving the captain general and the wait staff, the waiter had looked at Renji as if he had suggested slow methodical suicide using a pair of tongs, a box of toothpicks and a large bottle of hot sauce. No one was leaving the restaurant, so as they began to settle in, Yachiru ordered another pickle and climbed onto Kira's lap for a nap. "You're sticky!" she said, nomming on her pickle. The blond was too soused to notice.

Nanao and Shuuhei wandered through the streets, investigating a few of the shops and kiosks without spending any money. Shuuhei had felt badly about the amount spent at the restaurant, and even though he had permission to spend, spend, spend, the man who rarely had two pennies to rub together couldn't bring himself to spend someone else's hard earned cash. Nanao didn't seem to mind, even after she purchased an inexpensive pair of soft shoes to wear instead of her heels. She charged them to the eighth division account, knowing full well that Shunsui Kyouraku often charged to that account and then reimbursed the division. He would probably pay the bill without even questioning it.

"Hisagi, do you mind if we stop back at my apartment?" she asked as they walked out of a bead and incense store into the fresh evening air. "I wore these heavy robes because I didn't want to lead you on, but I really want to slip into something more comfortable now."

Hisagi teased, "I see, so now you want to lead me on?"

"Yes, I mean, no!" Nanao cried out, horrified by her blunder. "Oh, no. I mean I'm not trying to lead you on, but I'm not NOT trying to lead you on either." She hid her face in her hands. "That didn't come out right at all!"

Hisagi placed a hand on her shoulder as they walked. "It's okay, Nanao. I'm just giving you a hard time. You're kind of cute when you're flustered. Let's head back to your place so you can change, and then we'll take our champagne and go for a walk along the promenade by the river."

"That would be nice," she said, "At least, if I'm walking, my foot won't be in my mouth."

When they arrived, Hisagi made himself comfortable on the couch in the living area, loosening his tie, while Nanao excused herself to her bedroom. The living area was tidy with light walls, white upholstered furniture, chrome and glass sofa tables and a lush cream colored carpet. Except for a pile of garish clothes flung carelessly over the arm of a chair and a table upon which was scattered hair and make-up accessories, the room was almost as severe as Nanao's reputation, yet her personal feminine touches were also evident. Apparently, despite what she had said earlier, she liked flowers as much as her captain, although her choices tended to run towards pristine white camellias and lavender, both in floral arrangements and pictures on the walls. Hisagi filed that information away in his memory for future reference.

A single red rose in a bud vase stood out as a bold element of color in the room. The corners of his mouth curved slightly upwards. It was the one he had given her at the bachelorette party.

In the corner, oddly out of place, stood a locked wooden cabinet with glass doors that had a collection of porcelain animals in it. Hisagi rose from the couch to examine them. The animals were from six inches to 10 inches tall and displayed on glass shelves in the cabinet. While the cabinet itself was spotless, it was evident from a thin layer of white dust on the shelves, that the animals inside hadn't been moved in some time.

Upon closer examination, Shuuhei realized that while realistic in body styling, all of the beasts had the face of Shunsui Kyouraku. The bird had pink wings, a tail, and Shunsui's face with a beak instead of a nose. The giraffe had a long neck upon which sat an elongated Shunsui-faced giraffe's head with a straw hat. Had Shunsui been an elephant, he would have used his long trunk to hold flowers, just like the one in the cabinet. But what intrigued Shuuhei the most was the pike sticking out of Bird-Beak Shunsui's breast, the arrow in the neck of the Shunsui-faced giraffe, and the decapitation of Shunsui the elephant, still happily holding bright flowers in its trunk as its front foot rested upon its head on the ground much like an elephant at a circus stepping onto a platform to perform.

"I made those," a voice behind him stated.

Hisagi turned to see Nanao dressed in a floral halter sundress and flats, with no lipstick and her hair in a high ponytail. She might not have been trying to encourage him, he thought to himself, but she wasn't exactly trying to discourage him either.

"I took lessons about forty years ago when the captain was in another one of his moods, but I didn't keep them up. I had some anger issues back then," she shrugged.

"So I see," he nodded, looking at the animals again. He was awed by the resemblance. Each figurine, despite its gruesome end state, genuinely looked like the animal it was supposed to be. Even Kyouraku's face, integrated into the animals, was realistic if one could overlook the beak and trunk. "They look great, really life-like," he said. "Dead, but life-like." Casting his eyes on her, he added with admiration, "You too."

"Which one? Do I look dead or life-like?" Nanao chuckled softly, shaking her head, her ponytail swinging back and forth easily. A display of humor danced across her face.

"That's not what I meant," he protested, a slight blush crossing his cheeks. "I meant you look great. By the way, does your captain know you're a knock-out?"

Again she laughed, pushing up her glasses on her nose.

Shuuhei laughed too, before changing the subject as quickly as he could. "So you promised to tell me what you write in that big book of yours."

She looked up at him, the smile still dancing in her eyes. "Children's stories and nursery rhymes and poems of substance," she said quietly, her insecurities creeping back the moment the words were out of her mouth. She could only imagine how difficult it must be for him to believe that the Dragon Queen liked children, since she knew about her hard reputation among the men of the Seireitei. Yet the dark-haired man had softened her rigid veneer in a matter of only a few hours. By telling him about her writing, she had risked showing him more about the private Nanao than she had ever shown anyone, even the captain, with the possible exception of Yachiru. Watching his reaction closely, she wondered if she had made a mistake in trusting him. If he laughed, she would have her answer.

Shuuhei stood with his hand stroking his scar, a humorous half-smile crossing his lips. Finally, he asked sheepishly, "Poems and stuff, huh? Am I in them?"

"A few," she smiled, as his smile turned into a full one. Encouraged, she continued. "Yachiru is my literary critic."

His look of surprise made her giggle nervously, her hand to her mouth. It was a light and airy sound, pleasant to his ears.

"I know what you're thinking," she said, before he could figure it out for himself, "but Yachiru is the perfect reviewer for my stories. If she likes it, I know it's too violent for most of the children of the Rukongai. If she tells me it's boring or not gory enough, it's probably just right. And three bags of candy now and again is a small price to pay for such an accurate predictor of audience response."

"Guess you'd better not forget about Candy Tuesday if you still want her to review for you," he said.

"She was talking to you, remember?" She flipped his tie into his face.

He gulped. "In that case, I guess I'd better not forget. So read something you wrote. One of your poems of substance." His smile was encouraging.

"I couldn't," she answered bashfully.

"Sure, you could," he pressed. "Read something about me."

"No, I can't!" she gasped, clutching her fist to her bosom.

"Why? Is it a bash poem? Did you skewer me real good, as Ikkaku might say? Am I the villain in one of your poems because of this quest?" He twisted an imaginary mustache between two fingers. "Nyuh-uh-uh."

"No, no, it's nothing like that," she said hesitantly. "It's just that I'm not ready to go that far."

He was surprised. "It's not like I'm asking you for sex, Nanao. I'm just asking you to read a poem."

She hesitated, a growing panic building in her throat. "But I can't read a poem about you, don't you see? That's a lot like having sex to me because my poems can get very personal at times. I'm baring my soul."

Shuuhei paused to study her. Nanao was wringing her hands nervously in front of her. He could almost see the wall being built between them if he pressed the matter much longer. "Then read something else," he said gently, taking her hands in his. "A nursery rhyme."

Her posture softened and a smile returned to her face. Seeing that as a good sign, he teased, "If you don't, I'll have to take the snowflake back."

"You wouldn't!" she cried out, still holding his hands. Standing on her tiptoes, she stared into his gray eyes and said, "Okay, you win, you sneaky blackmailer, as long as you promise to make me another snowflake. This time, with scissors."

"Got paper?" he asked. "You read; I'll snowflake."

Reluctantly, they released hands and Hisagi watched her walk over to a work desk, memorizing every hip movement. Nanao retrieved ornamental paper and scissors and with difficulty, a large volume from a high shelf. Shuuhei thought about helping her, but he was too busy enjoying the view.

She brought the supplies and the book back over to the living area and sat across from him. After handing him the paper and scissors, she began to page through the book. "I'll read you something from here. This book's been finished for awhile. But be warned; this isn't my children's story book. Yachiru has that, so these are mostly political poems and assorted silliness. They're not particularly good, so don't expect much."

"Would you read already? I'm almost done here." He held up a folded piece of paper with numerous cuts in it that didn't look like anything at all.

Taking a look, she said, "I'd suggest you keep cutting."

Small scraps of paper flew in her direction. "Smart ass."

Flipping through the pages of the big book, she heaved a sigh, "You're picking those up, you know. Here's a poem. Don't say I didn't warn you.

"_Yachiru, Yachiru_…I keep her happy by writing poems about her. That way if she thinks she's in it, she'll review for me."

"You're stalling. Read."

She started again as he cut more bits of paper, letting them cascade to the floor:

"_Yachiru, Yachiru, with bubble gum hair, _

_Captured a Menos and hollow with flair, _

_She blew a big bubble and trapped them in there, _

_Yachiru, Yachiru, with a bubble gum snare._"

"Interesting, and very true to life. That kid can get sticky food stuff anywhere. Frankly, I think it's part of her zanpakutou. If you can't cut your enemy, glue 'em together with food. Got another one?"

Chuckling, she turned the page. "Ready for one about your buddy, Kira?" He didn't answer. Fascinated, she watched him cut, the scissors flying as did more bits of paper. Not lifting his eyes from what he was doing, his tongue lolled from his mouth as he worked.

Adding a snip, he looked up and smiled, "I'm glad he's not here, but I think I can handle it. If you've got one insulting Ikkaku, I'm all ears."

"I might," she said, "but this one's for Kira. Here goes:

_Gin, Gin, Grinning Machine,_

_Opened his eyes and smudged Kira's sheen,_

_Closed his eyes, so he couldn't be seen,_

_Gin, Gin, you grin, but you're mean._"

"Hmm. Sounds about right," he said thoughtfully, making a careful cut.

"I had a Gin Ichimaru obsession for a while. I figured that he hurt Kira, but then couldn't look at the damage. I just wanted to strangle the man after he tossed Kira to the curb." She strangled the air in front of her.

"I know what you mean," laughed Shuuhei, bitterness tingeing the sound. "I didn't know you were that close to Izuru."

"I'm not," she said, looking at her hands, "but I felt so bad for you and Kira and Momo. No one deserved that. I wrote to get out the anger."

"A murdered porcelain animal wouldn't do?"

"Naw, those are reserved for Captain Kyouraku. I have some poems about you in here too, in that context."

"You mean you turned me into a porcelain animal, murdered me, and then wrote a poem about it?" He framed his words with his hands. "_Shuuhei is screw-heid_."

"Don't be ridiculous. I mean that I wrote about the aftermath of the desertions, but I don't think this is the right time to read them, do you?"

"I suppose you're right. We're trying to have a good time here, so let's not dredge up an unpleasant past. Maybe one of these days…" his voice trailed off. "Got any more?"

"Here's a nonsense poem," she said, trying to lighten the mood. "You'll see why at the end. I'm quite proud of this one. I think it's extremely original.

_Yumi, Yumi, why so gloomy?_

'_Let me tell you why,_

_I gave a feather to Ikkaku,_

_Then he made me cry.'_

'_Kaku, 'Kaku, why'd you do it?_

'_Listen, here's the sitch,_

_He wanted me to sport a feather,_

_It made my eyebrow twitch._

'_Kira, Kira liked the feather_

_(But he's such a phony),_

_He stuck that feather in his bangs_

_And called it macaroni.'_

"I don't know where that last line came from," she marvelled. "I thought of it and I liked it, so I put it in, even if it doesn't make much sense."

"It kind of sounds song-like to me," said Hisagi. "At least it was a feather and not really food. Kira could hide a small delicatessen under those bangs of his," he said, tongue firmly planted in his cheek. "I'm trying to figure out why he liked the feather so much. Do you suppose it was one of Yumichika's peacock feathers? Kira likes bright things. He'd follow a spot of light anywhere. You should see him when we shine Ikkaku's head and point him at the sun. Kira goes crazy trying to catch the rainbows."

"I've never stopped to analyze my poetry, but you could be right." She laughed. "You make him sound like a pet."

"Duh! It's Kira. He's Yachiru's pet now." He shrugged. "But, according to the poem, Ikkaku calls him a phony, so Kira's a poser!" He hunched over in thought. An 'a-ha' moment launched him upright. "Of course, that's it! Secretly, Kira wants to be just like Yumi! He wishes he was Yumi, so he puts the feather in his bangs as homage to the man who originally gave it to Ikkaku with the hopes that Yumi will notice him and take him under his wings…Huh? Huh? See the feather reference? He wants Yumi to teach him all of the things that Ikkaku has rejected through his act of discarding the feather from Yumi in the first place."

"Wow," said Nanao, awed by Hisagi's analysis of her poem, "I didn't know you could be that deep. A male Shinigami with a brain; I never saw that coming. I am thoroughly impressed. You might actually be a man that I can hold a genuine intellectual conversation with!"

Hisagi reddened, "Tousen made me read literary stuff to him. Guess I picked up one or two things along the way. Me and intellect; go figure." He fingered the cut paper on his lap, then laughed, "Can you imagine wearing macaroni in your hair, on purpose?"

"I'm still trying to envision the small delicatessen in Kira's bangs," she said.

He grinned. "Speaking of Yachiru…"

"We were?"

"Sure, we were. The deli's just the right size for her. She's probably mooching a sandwich as we speak."

Nanao stifled a laugh.

"Did you see that little spitfire go tonight?" He paused. "She must be fueled by pickles. I almost felt sorry for the captains and the guys, except they got what they deserved for following us."

"Like I told you, she's my secret weapon."

"Handy little bugger, isn't she?" He opened and closed the scissors several times in the air, before saying seriously, "I always thought your book was just a training manual or maybe a rule book."

"So does my captain," she answered. "Actually, when I write in it, he thinks I'm recording his every move for posterity. The problem with that is that he rarely moves unless ordered to, so there's not much to write about, really." She squeezed her thumb and her index finger together tightly. "About this much."

"Do you have a poem about him?"

"Sort of. This one might hit a little closer to home for you, but here goes.

_When Tousen went missing,_

'_Twas lots of hissing_."

She looked at Shuuhei who nodded for her to go on.

"_When Gin disappeared,_

'_Twas worse than we feared._

_When Aizen went manic._

'_Twas cause for a panic._

_When Shunsui fought him,_

_We almost caught him._

_Shunsui saved the day._

_Hurray!"_

He held up his hands. "Whoa! Shunsui didn't fight Aizen and he sure as hell didn't save the day. There's no honor in taking credit for something he didn't do. Why did you write such a blatant…"

"Lie?" she finished. "He caught me while I was writing that one. I had to end it that way."

Hisagi laughed heartily.

"To be honest though, Hisagi…"

"Shuuhei."

"Shuuhei," she corrected herself, "Captain Kyouraku is a good guy underneath that crude exterior. I might be able to squeeze out five pages of heroism if I try really hard. The problem is he's a busybody. He's always trying to fix my perceived problems. I say 'perceived' because to me, they are not problems at all. I'm a bit of a loner, Shuuhei, and I tend to like it that way. I don't let many people in, so I'm really surprised that I am as comfortable with you as I am."

"I know what you mean, Nanao. I have to admit, I thought this date would bomb, but I've really enjoyed myself, even with the rocky start. I wouldn't mind if we did this again sometime," he took a quick look at the floor, then back to her. "That is, assuming you would want to." His cheeks pinked up for what seemed like the millionth time that evening.

She paused for a second, glancing sideways at her escort, "I think I'd like that."

Hisagi's smile lit up the room. Taking the paper in his lap, he unfolded it and held it up for her to see. She gasped as she saw the skillfully crafted mirror image swans touching foreheads to form a heart surrounded by outlines of two large trees with branches that overhung in the middle, echoing the heart shape. Pointing to the swans, he asked, "You. Me. Maybe?"

She looked away, embarrassed under his gaze, yet feeling warm from her head to her toes. Hisagi too felt the awkward moment as it passed between them. _I just screwed everything up with that boner move. Damn!_ "Ahem," he cleared his throat and folded the paper back up. With a quick flick of his wrist, he tossed it to the floor with the rest of the scraps.

But before it could hit the floor, Nanao grabbed the paper out of the air. She scolded, "I wanted a snowflake. That is so not a snowflake!" She carefully placed the swan vignette next to the torn napkin snowflake from earlier. "I'll have to teach you what a snowflake looks like. When a woman wants a snowflake, she should get a snowflake. Not swans. Swans are for lovers, so I'll have to save this. By the way, you still have to pick up my floor."

"Kyouraku was right. You are bossy," he said lightly, both relieved and pleased by what she had said.

"Do I have to bring out the Dragon Queen to get you to clean up my floor?"

"Only if that's the name of a vacuum cleaner," he joked.

Nanao smiled, but then became so still that all he could do was watch her curiously. Her brows furrowing, she looked at him and said, "Shuuhei, there's something we need to talk about."

Suddenly disheartened, he again joked, this time to cover his nervousness, "What is it, Nanao? You can tell me anything. Are you married? Pregnant? Gay? Happy? Sad? A Ryoka in disguise? Addicted to paperwork? We can get you help."

"You're an idiot."

"I think that's a well-established fact by your standards. I am a man, after all. You were saying?"

"At least, you acknowledge the truth. Speaking of another idiot of a man, with this little date of ours, if Captain Kyouraku thinks that his plan worked, I'll never hear the end of it. He thinks I can't do without him to order me around, so I'd like to teach him a little lesson. Are you game?"

"A lesson, huh? After every thing he's put me through over the last few days – high heels, makeup, sumo wrestling, floods, out right theft, a date with a vacuum cleaner, I mean, the Dragon Queen," she smacked him lightly on the arm as he ducked, "…you bet I'm game."

"Shall we shake on it?" she asked, holding out her right hand.

Shuuhei took her hand and shook it lightly. Nanao tried to retrieve her hand from his grasp, but he suddenly tightened it. Pulling her towards him, he purred, "I prefer to seal things with a kiss," and he did, quickly, yet meaning business.

Recovering from her shock and her second kiss of the evening, Nanao laughed, "I hope you didn't seal your deal with Captain Kyouraku that way. I'd hate to think that I'll be kissing lips that kissed his."

"No," said Shuuhei with a grin, "just a handshake. But I think I'm looking forward to sealing a lot more deals with you."

"Me too." The steel glint returned to her eyes. "Now, as for the captain's lesson, shall we discuss where to start on our walk?"

"I've got the champagne right here."

"First, you vacuum; then we walk."

"Slave driver."

* * *

**A/N** What do you think her poems mean - although none are very deep...or good, for that matter. lol I don't claim to be a good poet; therefore, by extension, neither is Nanao. She'll never win a poetry prize, but that won't stop her from stomping around a stanza in her bare iambs.


	37. Two Swords Are Better Than One

**A/N Enjoy, my friends, and thank you all.**

* * *

Floating was fun, Nanao decided, as she floated across her apartment. Shuuhei had dropped her off only a few moments before, after a romantic walk along the riverfront under the full moon. The lingering kiss, his soft happy smile and the sparkle in his gray eyes told her that, yes, he might very well be floating right now too. Hugging herself tightly, she whirled around the room until she collapsed dizzily on the couch. Her glasses were smeared from his closeness, and the edges of the room seemed enshrouded in a mystical haze. She felt like she was in the middle of a marshmallow dream with no desire to wake up. How long had it been since she was this happy, she wondered.

A shuffle of footsteps outside her door roused her from her happy daydream. She flew to the door, throwing it open. "Shuuhei, you've come ba…"

"Nanao Ise, you are to come with us." With no further warning, two very serious court guards grabbed Nanao, one on each arm. The third guard led the way as they walked her swiftly away from her apartment.

"No!" she protested. "I've met my quota of kidnappings for one date!"

* * *

The rest of the Seireitei had lain in darkness as Nanao had been marched through it, except for an occasional light here and there and the emblazoned eighth office. In the far distance, she thought she could see shadowy movement in the ninth.

After the guards had escorted her to her final destination, they had left her alone in a stately hallway with only a caged bird for company. Nanao leaned over to see it better, putting her finger near the cage. The bird pecked at it once or twice. "So, what are you in for?" she asked. It cheeped, pivoting its head nearly upside down to look at her.

"That's Priscilla," said a familiar voice. "She bites."

Jerking her hand back, Nanao step away from the cage in front of the man and asked warily, "Chojirou, why am I here? What is this about?" Priscilla scolded in bird talk that she hadn't had a chance to taste that yummy worm-like thing yet.

The vice captain gave Nanao's hand a quick squeeze. An easy friendliness existed between the two. After his attempts at fatherhood, egged on by Shunsui, had failed miserably, he had assumed the role of Nanao's bachelor uncle, an arrangement both could live with. His light squeeze had been mildly reassuring to her. "The Captain General would like to speak to you, Nanao. Follow me, please."

Vice Captain Sasakibe led a puzzled Nanao straight to Yamamoto's office, ushering her into a large room where Yama-Jii sat cross-legged on a small platform. She had only been here once or twice before. It was normally reserved for captains and the captain general's inner circle. She knew she should feel honored, but she was still somewhat apprehensive about why she was there and extremely annoyed at being pulled away from her happy dwelling place where she could dwell on Shuuhei.

"Ah, Nanao Ise. Come in," ordered the old man gently. "Come. Sit beside me." He patted a large pillow next to him on the left.

"Thank you, Captain General," replied Nanao, a bit bewildered as he waved her in for a landing on the spot where he had patted.

"And how was your date with Shuuhei Hisagi? Tea?" he offered, pointing towards a silver serving set on a small table to his right.

"No, thank you, sir."

"I will have some myself if you don't mind. Sasakibe gets very upset if I have him make preparations and then do not use what he has prepared." He put his hand to his mouth as if to whisper, but didn't. "He can be so impossible at times, but don't tell him I said that." As Yama-Jii poured himself a cup of tea, Nanao glanced at the vice captain who was standing behind the old man. Sasakibe shook his head in disgust. A second cup was poured.

"Oh, no, thank you, Captain General, I couldn't," said Nanao, waving him off.

"It's not for you!" snapped the old man, handing it backwards to Sasakibe. "Just the way you like it, I believe, Chojirou. Two sugars and four dollops of cream."

"Close enough. Thank you, sir," said the man who preferred four sugars and two dollops of cream.

"Now," resumed Yama-Jii, "how was your date? I assume it was uneventful after you left the restaurant."

With the tea nonsense over with, Nanao could once again think about her evening with Shuuhei. The sensation of flight in the pit of her stomach came soaring back. She answered simply, "The date was fine, Captain General, especially afterwards. Thank you for asking."

What she had wanted to do was to proclaim to anyone within hearing distance how wonderfully 'floatie' she felt, but she knew she had to hold back. Yama-Jii was not the appropriate choice for girl talk. She would have to find Matsumoto or Isane before they found her for the inevitable wheedling of details. She hoped Isane wasn't disappointed that she had enjoyed herself so much. _His kiss – WOW_, she thought. _Much better than Isane described_.

A hand on his chin, the old man watched her with growing interest. "Obviously more than fine," he said at last, "judging from the smile on your face and your change of clothing. I approve."

Realizing she had been lost in thought, Nanao gazed in embarrassment at the flowers on her dress. As she smoothed out the material, she also realized that for once, her captain had been correct about what she needed. It was a shocking admission for her.

She nodded her head bashfully, "It was wonderful, sir."

Continuing his intense observation of her, he stated more than asked, "Then you are no longer angry with the man who twisted your life like a ring upon his finger, your captain, Shunsui Kyouraku?"

His query startled her. It took her a full minute to process her thoughts.

At last, she lifted her nose and looked directly into the old man's eyes with a cold stare, causing him to shudder ever so slightly.

"No, sir, I'm not angry. I'm furious," she said calmly. Shunsui may have been correct about her need for a little fun and romance, but that didn't mean she was ready to let him off the hook. "Yes, I had a wonderful time with someone that I never dreamed I'd date, but the captain had no right to manipulate us the way he did. When he isn't ordering me to do his work, he's harassing me. When he isn't harassing me, he makes me run inane errands. When I'm not running inane errands, I have to sprinkle rose petals on him to make him appear 'sensitive, yet manly.' And I still have my own work to do on top of all of his. Oh, and every twenty years he thinks I need a man in my life, but what I really need is a vacation from my captain."

A sly smile appeared under Yama-Jii's thick mustache. "Then you would not mind helping an old master teach his former student a lesson?" He slurped his tea noisily, gracefully extending his pinkie.

Her eyes popped open wide. "No, sir, I wouldn't mind helping at all. I'm working on plans for revenge of my own."

"Excellent. Shall we combine our efforts?" asked the old man. "Much like the two-sworded zanpakutou that your captain carries, together we can be twice as deadly." He set down his teacup and picked up a set of papers from beside him on the floor. "Sasakibe! SASAKIBE! He's never around when I need him."

"I'm right behind you, sir," said the long-suffering vice captain.

"How long have you been standing there?" The captain general handed his vice captain a set of sealed papers. "Sasakibe, issue these orders immediately. And put down that teacup. Why are you drinking tea on duty?"

"I was merely holding it in case you wanted a second cup, Captain General."

"Well, in that case…get going, get going. You have work to do." Yama-Jii waved him off.

Sasakibe bowed and left Nanao alone with the captain general to plot.

"Hee hee, he thinks he's getting away with something," chuckled Yama-Jii. "I'm not the doddering old fool I allow him to believe I am. I know that tea was for him. Now, Miss Ise, tell me your plan and I'll tell you mine."

It was very early in the morning by the time she finally got to bed.


	38. Into the Dangai Without a Paddle

**A/N I hate being sick...**

**Welcome to all new readers and welcome back to my wonderful regulars!! I thought maybe Kubo would take pity on me cuz I'm sick, but no - I still don't own Bleach. ACHO.O!**

* * *

The next morning brought sunshine, cheerful thoughts and four Shinigami to rain on Shuuhei Hisagi's little happy parade. After he had left Nanao for the night, he had returned to the ninth, lit a few candles and wandered aimlessly around the office, stopping now and then to pinch himself. He wanted to be certain that the amazing good night kiss they had shared had really happened. Thoughts of returning to her apartment for another kiss had crossed his mind, but he had tossed that idea aside, afraid that he might seem too forward. In the morning light, he felt no desire to share details of his date with his overly involved friends as he met up with them for drills in front of the ninth. He liked hoarding this information. It made him feel like he had a secret that he shared only with Nanao. As he waited for the others, he leaned casually against a post along the walkway, listening to the birds excitedly chirping about their latest worms.

"WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!" came a warrior cry breaking into the morning stillness, startling the birds, but not Shuuhei who had come to expect this type of thing. A flash of Shinigami baldness charged Shuuhei like a freight train, dashing past and slapping him on the back of the head, before careening recklessly face first into a wall. "So, Warrior Queen, how'd the date go with the ice princess?" hollered Ikkaku as he readjusted his nose.

"Fine," yawned the dark-haired man, smoothing his hair. He resumed his stance with his arms folded and legs crossed at the ankles, giving up no information in his answer or actions.

"Fine?" roared Ikkaku. "Spill, Hormone Harry. We want details. Did you nail her?"

"You're crass," complained Shuuhei, "and you're loud."

"Come on, Hisagi, you bottom feeding low-life. You owe us details," said Renji, approaching with Yumichika and Kira at a much calmer pace. "Especially after siccing Yachiru on us last night."

An involuntary shudder coursed through Kira's body.

"It's okay, Izuru. The scary little girl isn't here," soothed Yumi, patting Kira's sleeve.

Crouching, Ikkaku circled around Shuuhei, examining him as if waiting for an alien creature to crawl out of a facial orifice at any second. The third seat plucked at him here and there with his fingers, occasionally pinching.

"Move 'em or I'll break 'em," snarled Hisagi.

With a final pinch, Ikkaku pronounced, "He didn't nail her; that's why he's not talking."

"Get the hell away from me, you bulbous vegetable," protested the irritated man. "Build an oil refinery and process some of that grease on your head. When's the last time you showered?"

"He didn't nail her. I was right! Hisagi's still a virgin!" crowed Ikkaku, ignoring Hisagi's hygiene question.

"You know about that better than I do," he shot back.

"Hey, I'm not a virgin!" Ikkaku sputtered.

"Your sock puppet doesn't count."

"Oh."

"He didn't mean that, Ikkaku," said Yumi quickly.

"Hey, Spike Head, we go to all this trouble to get you laid and then you don't talk? Dude, you owe me," said Renji. "Didn't I tell you about that time with me and Matsumoto?"

Kira added, "And me and Matsumoto."

"And Matsumoto and me as well," said Yumichika.

"And me and…"

"Your sock puppet," Shuuhei finished for Ikkaku. "You're all liars. Red, the only woman you've ever had romantic feelings for is Rukia Kuchiki and that would give Big Brother another reason to string you up by your toes. Kira, Rangiku gets you so drunk, if you did anything with her, you wouldn't remember it anyway."

"Pencil," snickered Ikkaku.

Shuuhei gave him an odd look, then pointed to Yumichika, "And you, I can't even imagine what would go on between the two of you."

"The woman has atrocious taste. I'm just trying to educate her with Yumichika's College of Style and Pretty. Professor Aya-say-doesn't-he-have-spectacular-taste at your service," sniffed the feathered man, bowing regally.

"Aren't you the one who wants to decorate my office with unicorns? Besides," simmered Shuuhei, "I didn't set out to 'nail' Nanao and even if I had, what the hell makes you think I'd tell you perverts?"

"Cause we're perverts," said Renji lightly. "We share that kind of stuff." His hand met Ikkaku's in a high five.

"Yea, well, share this," said Shuuhei, lunging at Renji. Springing into action, Kira jumped on Hisagi's back before he could connect with the red head. Hisagi threw him off with a grunt.

"Hey, Tattoo Boy, what the hell are you attacking me for? Ikkaku's the ones that started all the crap talk. Attack him," yelled Renji as Shuuhei returned to leaning against the post. "Aren't you supposed to be the peace maker, Hisagi?"

"You throwing me into the dangai, Abarai?" Ikkaku sulked. (1)

"Serves you right, Snow Globe," said Shuuhei, straightening his uniform. He hadn't acted reasonably. He had just acted. It was uncharacteristic of him to attack someone, but protecting his pleasant memories of a delightful evening was paramount and the cheekiness of his so-called friends was getting on his last nerve.

"Shuuhei, it hurts to say this, but Renji's right," said Kira generously. "Look who you're talking about, after all. If you're going to attack someone," he pointed towards Ikkaku, "Duh!" Kira staggered a step, grabbing Shuuhei's uniform for stability. Shuuhei tried to straighten it again, but Kira wasn't letting go. "I got a hell of a hangover. You owe me for making me move that fast," the blond said, holding on tight. His breath still smelled acidic from alcohol.

"Come here, you poor thing." Yumichika pulled Kira off Shuuhei and led him to a small bench. He sat the blond down and began to rub his temples. "Yachiru was just too much woman for you to handle last night, wasn't she?"

Kira would have retorted, but his headache was melting away under Yumi's touch. As Yumi massaged specific pressure points, Kira found his body turning to liquid butter. He purred, "Your fingers are like magic."

"Like magic?" snorted Yumichika. "Hell, these fingers could massage a pretty smile out of Byakuya Kuchiki."

"That I'd like to see," said Renji.

"Just look behind you when he shoves the stick up your ass," smirked Ikkaku who had been hiding behind Shuuhei, poking him in the ribs, "'Cause he's coming for his revenge, man."

"Where? Is he here? Hide me!" Ikkaku broke into gales of laughter at the panicked look on Renji's face.

"He's not here, is he?" asked Renji. "Why, you…I oughta…"

"Maybe Hisagi can watch and get a few pointers! I heard Nanao's got a kinky side!"

"Ikkaku!" scolded Yumi. "That is just totally un..."

Shuuhei's elbow shot out behind him, into Ikkaku's gut causing him to double over. Pivoting his forearm upwards, the back of Hisagi's fist smashed into Ikkaku's face.

"Ow, ow, ow. Totally unnecessary!"

"A lot like you."

"That's exactly what I was going to say," said Yumi.

"What the hell did you do that for, Shu-Face?" asked Ikkaku, holding his nose.

"Do you want my shoe in your face? I don't like to hear stuff like that, especially about Nanao. It makes me mad."

"Of course, it does," said Renji. "Why do you think he says that stuff, Hisagi? See, he irritated me with that stick comment, but I'm choosing to let it roll off my back, like water off a duck. Speaking of which, Shuuhei, if you don't mind, would you be so kind as to…DUCK!"

Seeing the approaching punch, Shuuhei ducked, leaving Ikkaku open to Renji's incoming fist. It hit him squarely in the nose, shoving his face off center to the right.

"Ow, ow, ow. Again totally unnecessary."

"Again, a lot like you!"

"All right already, I can take a hint," said the man, readjusting his tender nose again. "What am I taking a hint about?"

"Stop being so damned annoying," said Shuuhei. "My business isn't your business."

"And what I have up my ass isn't any of your business either!" said Renji. "Wait, that didn't come out right."

"What? The stick?"

"Shut up."

Yumichika threw his hands on his hips in an air of disgust. "Hisagi, can you blame Ikkaku? Your business with Nanao _is_ our business. We've quested with you from the start and now you want to shut us out? That's not fair. Open your mouth and talk, Hisagi. You're the only one here who's been on a real date in months and we want details."

"You're not done with the massage, are you?" asked Kira timidly. "I can feel the hangover coming back."

"P…ansy," coughed Ikkaku.

Ignoring Kira, Yumi crossed his arms and said sternly, "We're starving men here, Hisagi; throw us a cookie crumb."

"You're pathetic, Yumi," laughed Shuuhei. "But maybe I do owe you a little."

"Damn straight."

Renji snickered, "Do you really want to use that phrase?"

"Be quiet, Stick Boy. Now spill, Hisagi."

"Yeah," said Ikkaku, his voice sounding a bit nasally. "Now shut up and talk!"

Finally, Shuuhei acquiesced. His gaze rested on a small pebble at his feet. "It was fine. After we got rid of the audience," he glanced at his buddies, "we had a nice time. She's not so bad."

"Not so bad?" Ikkaku exclaimed. "Come on, we're talking about Nanao Ise here. Nanao, the angel from hell who's scarier than a speeding Aizen, more frightening than a loco Tousen, able to freak tall Hollows with a single eye."

"Take your own advice and shut up, Ball Bearing Head."

"Ooo, someone's getting testy," said Renji. "What's a matter, Shuu? Did she dump your can after only one date?"

He bent over to pick up the pebble. "No."

Renji bobbed and weaved like a boxer in an attempt to rile Shuuhei. He jabbed out at the man who knocked him away with his arm. "Come on, dude. Be honest. I'll bet you dumped her."

"I did not. We had a nice time, that's all." Shuuhei flicked the pebble at Renji.

"Ow! You could have poked my eye out. Watch it!" said Renji, rubbing his eye.

"Sorry, Red. Did I miss? I'll take better aim next time," Shuuhei grinned.

"Smart ass."

"So, are you going to ask her out again?" The romantic in Yumichika couldn't wait for details of the date any longer. Kira's inner romantic would have come out too, but he was in bed with Kira's hang-over.

"I dunno. Maybe. Yea, probably. I guess," mumbled Shuuhei, unwilling to concede that he had already broached the subject with her.

"You guess? You either ask her out or not," said Renji. "Ain't that hard."

"I don't know if she wants to go out again."

"Now that's real leadership quality for ya," sneered Ikkaku. "Decisitivity at its best, ya know?"

"You mean decisiveness," corrected Shuuhei.

"That's what I said."

"No, you didn't."

"There she is," elbowed Ikkaku, pointing to a group of people across the green. "Why don't you ask her now?"

"Grow up, Ikkaku! I'm sure as hell not going to ask her out again with you jokers around." Hisagi eyed the people furtively. He was looking for Nanao, but he didn't want his friends to know.

Renji asked, "But you are going to ask her out, right?"

"Maybe, I guess," he wavered. "Yea, probably, I think."

"Yes or no, Hisagi," said Renji. "Make up your mind."

Shuuhei threw up his arms in defeat and conceded, "Okay, fine. Yes, I'm going to ask her out again."

"Ooo, Hisagi's in love," crowed Yumichika to Kira, both men envisioning a large wedding with Shuuhei and Nanao walking down the aisle. "I'll be the wedding coordinator," volunteered Yumi. "Lots of flowers, white doves in gilded cages, and little minty candies on the tables."

"Then I'm the best man," agreed Kira.

"Maybe Hitsugaya can create an ice sculpture…"

"Why do you get to be the best man?" asked Renji. "Fight ya for it."

"…And taffeta, lots and lots of ruffles and taffeta."

"A fight? I'm in," said Ikkaku excitedly. "What are we fighting about?"

Yumi sighed contentedly as the vision of a perfect wedding passed through his mind. "Hisagi's in love, Hisagi's in love, Hisagi's in love," sang Yumi, clapping and twirling happily along the walkway.

The victim of the song protested, "I am not in love and I'm not wearing ruffles either." Tripping Yumi as he pranced had crossed Hisagi's mind, but the light-on-his-toes fellow was too quick. "And I don't want taffeta either. It sticks to your teeth."

"You are too in lo-ove. It's written all over your blushing fa-ace." Ikkaku stuck his finger in Shuuhei's face.

"I'm not blushing. Stop that," commanded the exasperated brunette, pushing him away.

But Ikkaku was not that easily dissuaded. Shuuhei groaned as the third seat also began to dance and sing new lyrics to his luck luck dance in a loud voice, "Who got lucky? You got lucky. You got lucky in love. That's right, I said love! kissy kissy kissy kissy…"

"Shut up, you moron."

"There she is now! Hey, Nanao!" yelled Ikkaku across the lawn. "Hisagi's got something he wants to ask you."

"That's not Nanao, you idiot. That's Oomaeda! Oh, my gawd, why are you my friends?"

* * *

**A/N** (1) Dangai – the bordering dimension between the soul Society and the human world. Once trapped, there is no escape. I was trying to think of a phrase that would be comparable to being 'thrown under the bus.'


	39. Arresting Developments

**A/N Hi, all! First off, please accept my apologies for not answering reviews recently. Rukia23, I'm glad you're back. XiaBubbleQueen, CORaven, Saretenite, SendMoreParamedics and everyone else who has taken the time to review - always appreciated. My health has not been the greatest, so getting new chapters finished has been difficult. I'm going to take a short break after this post to gather my thoughts about where this story is going and regain my momentum. I know the ending – I just have to get there from here. I don't like to make you wait for chapters, but I'm not going to sacrifice quality by rushing, which is what would happen right now. So I'm taking a short – I repeat – short break to work on plot issues. As Arnold would say, I'll be ba-ack. Until then, thank you for your support. You are all important to me and that is why I am doing this. I can't give you less than my best. See you soon. Enjoy this chapter and know that mischief is afoot. Love and friendship, B ;o)**

* * *

Off in the distance, Vice Captain Marechiyo Oomaeda was talking to a second division squad, gesticulating wildly in the direction of the ninth where Shuuhei and his friends were standing. It looked like a pep talk and because it was Oomaeda, who was rarely that animated when food was not involved, the five men watched in fascination. Soon, Oomaeda and his squad separated, with Oomaeda going towards the cafeteria and his squad advancing towards the ninth.

"What the hell are they doing here?" said Renji, watching them approach. "I wonder if I should give Zabimaru some warning."

"I wouldn't provoke these guys if I were you, Red," said Shuuhei, watching too. "Something tells me that we're about to pay for our crimes." To see a full squad of guards marching across the green could mean only one thing. Someone was getting arrested. Shuuhei had the sinking feeling that he knew exactly who it would be.

"Who cares?" complained Kira. "My head hurts again. Ask them if they have any aspirin."

"Go see Isane. She'll fix you up real good." Shuuhei kept an eye on the guards as they got closer. They seemed to be attracting considerable attention as onlookers with morbid curiosity and a few genuinely concerned people stood by and watched the advancing squad.

"Like she did with you? No thanks," said Kira. "I'll suffer."

"I'm more worried about Kuchiki than these guys," huffed Renji. "They can try to arrest me, but they won't succeed. This is bull."

"What makes you special?" asked Shuuhei. "If we have to pay, so do you."

"Yea, Fireball," said Ikkaku. "Where do you get off getting off without getting us off too, and I don't mean that in the getting off kind of way either."

"Ikkaku, if we knew what you were talking about, we'd have to kill ourselves," said Yumi casually. "Be a dear, and go run that errand I asked you about."

"Oh no," said Ikkaku, "I'm not falling for that one again. The last time you asked me to run an errand, you locked me out of Shuuhei's apartment."

"And did you ever accomplish the errand? No, I don't believe you did," reprimanded Yumi, wagging a finger in the bald man's face. "Don't you think that you had better finish running that errand before these kind soldiers come and arrest us?"

"Well, I would, but," he motioned Yumi closer and whispered, "I don't remember what it was."

Yumichika took the opportunity to whack him over the head with a fan. "Hopeless! You are totally hopeless. Go sit on that little bench until you remember what it is you were supposed to do. Go on! Shoo!" Yumi brushed him away, and Ikkaku, rubbing his head, slunk over to the bench where Kira had gotten his temples massaged.

"That was mean," said Shuuhei, leaning over to Yumi. "You know there was no errand."

"Do you really want him standing here while they arrest you?" asked Yumi. "You know he can be a bit obtuse."

"If you mean he might say something stupid, you're right. But what makes you think they're only coming for me?"

Yumi laughed, "Oh, come on, darling. Would this beautiful face ever end up on the cover of _Jail Break Monthly_? Everybody knows you can't take beauty like mine out of the world without a severe imbalance of the cosmic forces of pretty, so why even try?"

Shuuhei blinked. "I have nothing to say to that." After a long moment of silence, he shifted his attention back to the rapidly approaching squad.

The squad stopped in front of the five. The man in authority, a tall man with thinning hair and broad shoulders, asked, "Shuuhei Hisagi?"

"Yes, I'm Shuuhei Hisagi," said Shuuhei. _Damn. I guess that second date with Nanao will have to wait. _

"Shuuhei Hisagi, you are under arrest," pronounced the head guard. "Put your hands in front of you and prepare to be bound by Eighth Restraint Bakudou." (1)

"What is this about and by whose authority?" demanded Shuuhei, making it obvious from his stance that he wasn't going to be bound just because they told him to.

"By order of the captain general and carried out by the second division squad under the direction of Captain Marechiyo Oomaeda." The man snapped to attention and saluted at the mention of Oomaeda's name.

"CAPTAIN Oomaeda? Since when?" sneered Renji. The others laughed as well.

"Oh, I mean Vice Captain Oomaeda," said the man quickly. "He likes us to call him that when Captain SoiFon isn't around."

"Good one," said Kira, "I guess Oomaeda's moving up in the world."

"Can I be the one to tell Captain SoiFon that she's been demoted?" asked Yumi excitedly. "Please? Please? Last year, she told me that orange wasn't my color. Revenge would be so sweet. "

"So where is he?" challenged Shuuhei. "If Oomaeda wants to arrest me, he should be here to do it himself."

The guard answered, "He had to get a donut. His blood sugar was low." Yumichika started to snicker. The guard turned to him and said, "It happens, okay?"

With a flick of his wrist, the head guard signaled to eight of his men to take Shuuhei into custody. After a lot of jostling and bumping, they bound his wrists in front of him with an Eighth Restraint Bakudou spell, similar to being placed in handcuffs.

"Don't bend the skin!" said the brunette. "Ouch, that's too tight."

"Hey, you can't arrest my homie!" protested Renji, watching them man-handle Shuuhei.

"Hell, yea, I can!" said the guard. "Oomaeda's real happy to make this arrest. He made it clear that hooligans like him," he jabbed a thumb in Shuuhei's direction, "who go around messing with tradition won't be tolerated in the Seireitei."

"A hooligan? Me?" asked a bewildered Shuuhei. "Them maybe, but me?"

"Hmm, if you're referring to the Oomaeda family festival, I can see why Marechiyo might want an arrest," said Yumi thoughtfully. "Perhaps you had better stop struggling, Shuuhei."

"What did I do?" Shuuhei yelled. "I was unconscious for most of it!"

Renji objected, "This stinks, Dude. Marechiyo may be the one arresting you, but it's Yamamoto that gave the order. Why would the captain general want to arrest you, Hisagi? Isn't he the one that wants you and Nanao to have babies?"

"Don't remind me," groaned Shuuhei. In spite of the captain general's baby insinuations, Hisagi was pretty sure that neither he nor Nanao were ready for that after only one date.

"Nanao Ise? You're the guy that got stuck dating the Dragon Queen?" laughed the head guard. "This is rich! I'll bet you're happy I'm arresting you. Jail's gotta be a whole lot nicer than dating her!"

Incensed, Shuuhei lunged, breaking free from four of the guards, only to be stopped inches away from the head guard by the remaining four guards. He scowled, trying to shake off his captors, but without luck. His adrenaline momentum was gone and the bakudou restraints severely limited his arm movement. While he couldn't physically harm the man like he wanted, he could intimidate with a stare, a lesson he had learned from Nanao. His focus locked on the guard's uncertain eyes. _Thanks to you, Nanao, I have a new weapon in my arsenal_, he thought, wearing the guard down with only his stare.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Shuuhei could sense that the guard was about to break under his forceful stare. Sure enough, the head guard wavered. He should have been acknowledging his defeat and releasing Shuuhei, but instead the guard turned and consulted with several of his men. He pivoted around again and eyed Shuuhei warily. "Are you coming on to me? Because if you are, the men and I find your actions extremely inappropriate."

Shuuhei's chin dropped open as his buddies guffawed. "No, I'm not coming on to you! I'm intimidating you with my fiercesome stare!"

"Ha!" laughed the guard. "Leave the staring for your girlfriend. Now THAT'S scary!"

"When I get out of this," muttered Shuuhei, "she is so going to stare at you!"

"Ooo, I'm shaking in my boots," scoffed the guard, grabbing Hisagi's arm. "Come on, Soldier Boy. You've got a date with a jail cell."

"And she's not my girlfriend...yet."

"Come on, Romeo."

"Wait! This isn't right!" yelled an agitated Renji. Unable to stop his friend's arrest, he latched onto the nearest object, which happened to be Ikkaku who had gotten up from the bench to get a closer look at the action. He seized Ikkaku's head in a death grip. "Cue Ball, I need to hit something and unless you come up with something fast, it's gonna be your head!"

"Kira, come here! Abarai wants you," hollered the smooth headed one from under Renji's arm.

"Noogies!" Yumichika ran over and rubbed his knuckles back and forth on Ikkaku's bald pate. "It's more fun when there's hair."

"Why don't you make like a hare and hop away?"

"My, aren't we clever today. I'll have to mark this occasion on the calendar."

"Damn it! Can't you see they're arresting Hisagi?"

"Renji! Relax!" ordered Shuuhei. "Don't make things worse. And you two, just…shut up…or something."

"Are you Renji Abarai?" asked the head guard, confronting the redhead after hearing his name.

"That's my name. What's it to you?" demanded the irate man, releasing the third seat.

"Renji Abarai, you too are under arrest by order of the captain general. Prepare for Eighth Restraint Bakudou."

"Hell, no!" They weren't arresting him; he'd make sure of it. Without hesitation, Renji flashed across the lawn with the some of the guards in hot pursuit. He was seriously outnumbered, but was managing to evade them admirably.

"Run, Renji, run!" yelled Kira. "We'll hold them off for you! Oh, my head. Remind me not to yell."

Shuuhei looked at Kira, now surrounded by guards who had leaped into action as soon as the words 'we'll hold them off for you' had left his mouth. "Why didn't you offer to hold them off for me?"

Ikkaku answered, "Dude, they took us by surprise."

"We watched them coming across the green, for Kensei's sake! How is this a surprise? And you're the best the Seireitei has to offer?" scoffed the handcuffed man.

"Hey, you're the one in restraints," shrugged Ikkaku.

Cupping his hands to his mouth, Kira yelled, "Run, Renji, run!" He slapped Hisagi on the arm. "You were supposed to remind me not to yell!"

"Please don't hit the prisoner," said the head guard to Kira. "That's our job." He snickered, "No, really, I'm just kidding. We don't hit prisoners…much."

"What are you, a stand-up comedian on your days off?" asked Hisagi.

"Damn, they're going to catch him," hissed Ikkaku, peering around the guards.

"Zig zag, Renji, make a pretty zig zag!" called Yumichika, wringing his hankie anxiously.

"No! Circle, circle!" yelled Hisagi. "Run circles around them."

"RUN THE OTHER WAY!" screamed Kira. "I'M YELLING AGAIN, AREN'T I?"

"BOXES! Try boxes!" suggested Hisagi. "Run in a square, Abarai, RUN IN A SQUARE!"

"They're going to catch him," squealed Yumi.

Hisagi hollered, "Try parallel. Run parallel to them. If that doesn't work, go perpendicular. Whatever you do, DON'T INTERSECT!"

Kira and Hisagi watched intently as Renji tried to outrun the guards who were chasing him. Hisagi yelled helpfully, "PARALLELOGRAM 'EM, ABARAI! RHOMBUS! RHOMBUS! ISOSCELES TRIANGLE THE HELL OUT OF 'EM!"

Kira looked at his dark-haired friend severely and stated, "You're enjoying this way too much."

Shuuhei grinned, "Remember, don't yell."

Yumichika turned to Ikkaku with pleading eyes, "Ikkaku, do something!"

"He's a big boy, Yumichika, what the hell do you want me to do?" said Ikkaku, shaking the quivering man from his sleeve.

"For heaven's sake, can't you at least think of a geometric shape he can run?"

The head guard, having overheard their conversation, approached the two of them. "Are you Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa?"

"Yea, what of it?"

The head guard looked down at his clipboard, then back up at the two men. "Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa, by order of the captain general, you are both under arrest."

"No, no, no," said Yumi smugly. "Think of the cosmic forces of pretty you're disrupting! The world would wallow in ugly if I were to be arrested."

"Guess it'll have to wallow then," said the jaded guard. "Put 'em both in restraints, only make sure that one," he pointed to Yumi, "has the pretty restraints." They were quickly bound by the bakudou spell before either could protest further.

"That was awfully kind of him, don't you think, Ikkaku?"

Ikkaku snorted in his direction, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

Finally, the best of the second squad guards brought Renji down after they caught him in a trapezoid.

As they brought the panting warrior back to where the others were being held, Shuuhei called out, "You dumb ass, you got caught!"

"I didn't know I needed geometry to get away. I thought it was one of those subjects that you learned in school and then never used again. You wanted me to get caught, Hisagi!"

"Nooooo, ya think?" smirked the first.

Realization hit Renji like a brick. "You're mad about last night!"

"What?" said Shuuhei innocently. "You guys showing up at the restaurant and almost blowing it for me with Nanao? Then needling me today when I don't want to talk about it. What would make you think that I wouldn't want to see your ass in jail right next to mine?"

"Cause if we're in jail together, we'll pester you anyway. You didn't think of that, did you, Porcupine Head? Besides, you owe me. I'm still trying to get soda pop out of my hakama."

Kira added with a sardonic laugh, "That's nothing, I'm still trying to get visions of Yachiru puckering up for a good night kiss out of my head. Isn't that torture enough? I don't want to go to jail, although…" The gears in Kira's head started grinding. He nudged a guard repeatedly before asking, "You aren't by chance looking for me too, are you?"

The annoyed guard, responding in order to get Kira to stop bothering him, asked, "You are…?"

"Izuru Kira."

He quickly looked at his list. "No, I don't see you on here," he said snappishly.

"Are you sure? I'm a wanted criminal too, you know," Kira pressed.

"Sorry, I don't see your name." The guard began to walk away, but Kira ran around him and stood in his way.

"Check again. It has to be there. I did everything they did. Plus, I'm the Oomaeda festival wrestling champ," boasted Kira. "I know Marecheyo would want me arrested too."

The guard looked him over and snorted, "Wrestling champ, huh? Yeah, right." Ordering his squad, the guard yelled, "Men, take these characters away."

"What about me?" wailed Kira.

"You're free to go."

"But I want to go to jail!"

"'Zuru, why do you want to get arrested?" asked Hisagi, pulling against his captors.

"I've never been a dangerous criminal. It might help toughen up my reputation, you know? Besides," he smirked, "if I'm in jail, neither Kenpachi nor Yachiru can get to me."

Shuuhei tipped towards the guard with the orders, "Do you mind if I look at the list?" As the guard held it out for him at a distance, he squinted and read aloud, "Shuuhei Hisagi… Renji Abarai… Ikkaku Madarame…Yumichika Ayasegawa…and somebody else. Sorry, Kira, I don't see it either."

"Damn."

The guard gathered some of the men in his squad, those who weren't guarding Renji and the others, into a small loose huddle. "We still have to make another arrest," he said to them. Looking around and not seeing anyone that looked as suspicious as or more suspicious than those he already had in restraints, the guard scanned the list once again and asked the fivesome, "You don't happen to know where we can find Izu Rukira, do you? Is he a friend of yours?"

"No, doesn't ring a…Wait, that's it!" said Hisagi. "Let me see that list again. Look here!" He tried to point with his hands, but the restraints got in the way. Using his chin, he pointed towards the bottom of the paper. "Someone typed it wrong. They put the space in the wrong place. 'Izuru Kira,' not 'Izu Rukira.' See? You have to arrest him too."

"Oh, goodie. I get to be arrested too," said Kira happily.

"No, I can't," said the obstinate guard. "I have to arrest Izu Rukira. You, whoever you are, are not on the warrant."

"But I want arrested!"

"Sorry, I can't do it; I need this Rukira fellow."

"But that's me, don't you see? I'm Izuru Kira, I mean Izu Rukira, right here. Arrest me!"

"I can't take an innocent man to jail."

"But I'm not innocent! I'm not! I'm as wicked as they come. I'll prove it!" With his incarceration on the line, Kira did the most awful thing he could think of. He tromped down hard on the guard's foot and was promptly arrested.

After the men were thrown into jail, perhaps to rot, an all points bulletin was issued for Izu Rukira who, as of this writing, is still at large.

* * *

**A/N**

(1) Eighth Restraint Bakodou—my own invention. I just wanted a handcuff type of restraint, and while there may be something of that sort in the canon, I couldn't find it. Besides, an 8 looks like handcuffs.

I'll be back before you know it...


	40. Virgins, Urgings and Checkers

**A/N: I'm ba-ack! Sorry for the extended hiatus, but I'm back with more craziness. Thank you to all who have read, reviewed, and re-read and sent private message and waited patiently for me to continue. I appreciate your patience and your faith in me! I'm adding a quick recap to refresh your memories. The next chapter after this starts the trial of the "Hisagi 5" and trust me, it's not like any trial you have ever seen. My negotiations with Tito Kube broke down a long time ago, so I still do not own or profit from Bleach. Happy reading. More soon …**

The story so far: In an effort to get a little bit of time away from his vice captain, Shunsui Kyouraku guilt trips Shuuhei Hisagi into dating Nanao Ise. According to Shunsui, she is destined to erupt into flames if she doesn't go on a date soon. Even though Hisagi has no desire to date her, he finds himself performing certain ridiculous tasks in order to save her life and prove that he is worthy of her. Renji Abarai, Izuru Kira, Ikkaku Madarame, and Yumichika Ayasegawa go along for the fun, and the five men soon find themselves stealing from the captain general, dressing in drag, crashing a wedding shower at Byakuya Kuchiki's, destroying koi ponds and wrestling Kenpachi Zaraki. Nanao is unhappy that she is being set-up by her captain and vows revenge. When the tasks are completed, she and Shuuhei grudgingly go on a date to a secret location, but they are found out. With the help of Yachiru and the captain general who is anxious for them to have babies, they escape the restaurant and enjoy a quiet evening together, much to their surprise. After returning to her room, a knock on her door interrupts Nanao's fantasy about her date. Thinking it might be Shuuhei back for another good-night kiss, she opens the door to guards who escort her to the captain general's office, where she and Yama-Jii hatch a plan to teach Shunsui a lesson. The next day, Hisagi and the others are arrested for their misdeeds.

* * *

"Psst, Shunsui, is she here?" Captain Ukitake poked his head in the door of the eighth office.

"Who?" asked Kyouraku, peeking out from under his hat as he lounged on the couch.

"Nanao, of course. Who else?" He twisted his body into the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

"Yes, of course, she's here." His unshaven chin bobbed in the air, indicating a door on the far end of the room. "In the back room. I give her the day off, but she comes in anyway. You should see the bags under her eyes, Jushiro. Hisagi must have kept her up all night, but do you think she'll tell me about it? I can't get a word out of her. It's driving me crazy. All I want are details! I deserve details. And all day long, she's been humming some insipid little tune about being like a virgin. She keeps making this high pitched 'hey!' in the middle. I don't know how much more a sane man can take." He smiled conspiratorially at his friend. "Maybe she'll talk to you, Jushiro?"

"That's the least of your problems, Shunsui." Ignoring his friend's rant, Ukitake pulled a broken-down box from the supply closet and placed the scuffed checkers set on the table in front of the couch. He settled himself on a floor pillow on the other side of the table.

Shunsui shook his head, his straw hat bobbling from side to side. "What are you talking about? I wanted Nanao to be happy, but not this happy. That stupid little tune, even when she's out of the room, I hear it. 'Like a virgin, like a virgin, touch me like a virgin…' Why is she singing that, Jushiro? Is she trying to tell me something? I can only hope." This side of Nanao was just disturbing, since it didn't seem to involve him.

Ukitake laughed as he pulled out the white and black checkers and set them up on the well-worn board. "I can't say, Shunsui." He paused to observe his pouting friend. "So you got your wish then? After all of this mess, you got what you wanted in the end, didn't you? You must be a happy man."

"Things could be better," sighed the hirsute captain. "Nanao is happy, she's not snapping at me, and my paperwork is getting done, as always, but she is pointedly ignoring me. I'll ask her a question and unless I order her to talk to me, she turns and walks away, singing even louder than before. A happy man? Sure, that's me. I'm an insanely happy man, Jushiro, if only I could get that insidious tune out of my head before I become an insane happy man." He sighed again, "I'm so glad this whole quest thing is over with, aren't you? It's been much more draining than I expected."

Ukitake made the first move with a white checker, leaving the black ones to Shunsui. "Speaking of draining, don't forget you still have to rebuild my koi ponds."

"Oh sure, sure. Move one for me, won't you, old friend?" Slouched back on the couch, Kyouraku glanced out from under his hat, then pulled it over his eyes. "They'll get fixed. You know me; I'm a man of my word." He yawned openly, not bothering to cover his mouth.

"If that word is 'someday.' I want them fixed, Shunsui. Soon!" The clack of a checker on the board emphasized his point. Something about his friend's attitude towards his koi ponds was not setting easily with Captain Ukitake. He eyed the man. "Nanao's ignoring you isn't your only problem, you know. You're pretty smug for a dead man. Enjoy it while you can."

"What an odd thing to say, Jushiro. Move the corner black one for me."

"She just might kill you and I'd say you deserve it." The move made, Ukitake dragged a long look over his friend of many years. He spoke quietly, yet in a manner that added weight to his words. "Those five men … boys … were arrested." He paused. "Yama-Jii's orders."

Shunsui sat up abruptly from the couch, kicking the table. The checkers jumped up off the board, resettling in slight disarray. Giving a low whistle, he asked, "Really? Hisagi and the others?" He couldn't help feeling a little happy about that.

Jushiro straightened the checkers slowly, then answered, "Yes." Moving a white piece, he added, "I'm jumping you."

"If only it were Nanao jumping me, instead of you," Shunsui mused. Stroking his chin in thought, he moved a black piece. "The old man really did it. I thought he was happy to see Nanao and the vice captain dating. Seems odd that he would suddenly throw him and the others in jail, especially after last night at the restaurant. How unfortunate for them. Tsk-tsk. The old coot always was hard to read." Placing his hands behind his head, he settled back into the couch, tilted his hat forward and closed his eyes, a small smile playing across his lips.

Jushiro watched him curiously, moving a checker absently. It ended up straddling two squares. "It doesn't bother you?"

Peeking from under his hat, Shunsui scanned the board. "You can't be in the middle, old friend. Pick a side." Once Jushiro moved his piece to a proper square, Shunsui grinned. "You set me up for a jump. There," he nodded his head, instructing removal without saying so, "and there. No, Jushiro, I don't feel that badly about it. Seems to me they brought it on themselves, like that last move you made. You weren't thinking ahead. Neither were they. Don't tell me it bothers you."

"Yes, it bothers me!" Ukitake felt his indignation growing in his throat. "Those boys are in jail because of you, Shunsui!"

He cast a serious eye at the white-haired man whose face seemed to match the color of his hair. "I don't believe I'm the only one at fault here, old friend. I didn't ask them to rampage through the Seireitei." Shunsui watched in fascination as an angry red seeped into his friend's skin, rising from his neck up to his face, like mercury rising in a thermometer.

A white checker slammed down on the board. "That's a cop out, and I'm tired of hearing it."

Startled, Shunsui tried to defuse the situation, all the while keeping his nonchalant attitude. If he could shift the blame elsewhere, it might calm his old friend down and take the pressure off himself. "They let themselves get out of hand, Jushiro. That's not my fault, now is it? Wrestling Kenpachi? Who's that stupid? I wouldn't be caught dead in a ring with him. Move the third black one diagonally to the right. And ants in Kuchiki's pants? I admit I loved it, but there's some serious retribution to be paid for that. No, I think our little friends brought this all on themselves."

"And my koi?" asked Ukitake, matching his friend's cool attitude as the color receded down his face. "What did they do to deserve their fate?" After a flourish of jumps, Ukitake said, "King me. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to take my tea in the fight arena each morning?"

"Stop thinking only about yourself, Jushiro! It's very unbecoming," teased Shunsui. "King yourself."

Ukitake was not amused. "How can you joke? And if you care so little about those men, how do I know that you're taking the situation with my koi ponds seriously?"

"Would you stop worrying about your precious koi ponds? You're beginning to sound like an old lady. Better yet, you're beginning to sound like Nanao! Speak of the little devil…" He cast a look behind Ukitake to the far door as it opened.

"'LIKE A VIRGIN. WHOA-O-O-O-O. LIKE A VIR-IR-IR-IR-GIN.'" A happy Nanao danced into the room, singing at the top of her lungs. She stopped short upon seeing the white haired captain. "Oh, hello, Captain Ukitake, sir. Having a game of checkers, are we?""

Ukitake's face instantly brightened. "Hello, Nanao. I'm delighted to see you looking so chipper, my dear. As usual, I'm playing more with myself than with my companion."

"Not in front of my vice captain, Jushiro."

With an eye roll, Nanao said, "Thank you, sir. I'm delighted to see you looking so…dry after last night."

"Yes, well," laughed Ukitake, pinking slightly in the cheeks, "I must say we probably deserved that little soda pop shower from Yachiru in the restaurant."

"Yes, sir," agreed Nanao pleasantly.

"A champagne shower would have been nicer," said Shunsui. "We could have sucked our wet clothes."

"Some people suck in dry clothes, isn't that right, Captain Ukitake?" She didn't wait for his answer before asking him, "And how are your third seats today, sir?"

Ukitake smiled as the tension between Nanao and Shunsui filled the room. _Serves him right,_ he thought to himself. "Quarrelsome as usual, Nanao. Sentarou brought me my tea this morning and Kiyone had a fit. But at least, I got a full cup today. They usually jostle each other so much that by the time I get my tea, it's half empty … and by the time I get it down to the fight arena so that I can enjoy my koi ponds, the rest of it's gone."

"Oh, sir! That's terrible," sympathized Nanao. She thought for a moment. "If I might offer a suggestion, sir?"

"Of course, my dear. What is it?" Ukitake was intrigued. His morning tea was important.

Nanao smiled slightly. "It sounds like you need a change in routine. Why don't you go down to the arena first and have them follow with your tea? They can bring it to you in a teapot, instead of a cup. That way, it won't spill and you can pour it down by the new pond. It will be nice and hot for you, and you can even have a second cup if you'd like. And if they fight over who should carry it, have your cook put it on a tray. They can each carry one end."

He smiled broadly at the woman with glasses. "That makes perfect sense. Thank you, Nanao. How positively simple. I don't know why they didn't think of that. I believe we'll try it tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes. "

She nodded in satisfaction, as a slight kick to the table announced Shunsui's annoyance. "Are you playing checkers or not, Jushiro?"

Nanao smiled, ignoring him. "They just need a firm hand and someone to teach them how to anticipate a captain's needs. Perhaps you need to fill your second seat position again, with someone a little more skilled."

"It _would_ be nice to have a mediator between those two." He moved a checker. "Shunsui is a lucky man to have you as vice captain."

She smiled. "Why, thank you, Captain. It's so nice to be appreciated … and so unusual." With a slight chuckle, Nanao asked, "If I might ask, sir, how are your koi ponds progressing?"

Shunsui leaned forward and made a move. "Tch," he clicked with his teeth.

Nanao glanced towards the sound. "Sorry, Captain Ukitake, sir. There's a pesky cockroach in here somewhere."

"King me," said Shunsui gruffly.

"I'd like to crown you," muttered Ukitake under his breath, but the pink-robed man merely ignored him. "You asked about the koi ponds? Talk to your captain about that, Nanao." Ukitake shot Shunsui a look as he moved to take two of Shunsui's men with his king.

"I would, sir," she said quietly, "but, you see, I'm not talking to a certain someone. It's nice to talk to you though. This is the most stimulating conversation I think I've ever had in this office."

"Nonsense, Nanao, my sweet," said Shunsui, contemplating his move over a swig of the coffee that he had made this morning. It wasn't remotely like anything Nanao made, but it was black for some reason, hot and filled a cup, so he loaded the cup with sugar and drank it. "I go out of my way to stimulate you every day, but you fight me on it. Doesn't she, Jushiro? If you leave that spot, I'll take your man."

Ukitake replied dryly, "Seems to me taking someone's man has been the end plan all along, am I right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." He put the coffee cup up to his lips and took a big swallow, being careful not to make a face as he drank the vile brew.

"I heard that big cockroach again, didn't you, Captain Ukitake?" asked Nanao. "I'll be sure to put a lot of roach killer in the sugar bowl next time. It seems to have a sweet tooth."

Coffee spewed everywhere. Shunsui sputtered, "You…you tried to poison me?"

She glanced at the man covered in brown liquid, then turned towards the white haired captain. "Personally, I think cockroaches are so funny, don't you, Captain Ukitake? They overreact to everything. Well, I have work to do, as always, and I have to get done early tonight." She turned to leave, but pointed at a white checker on the board. "If you move that piece, there's no defense."

"Why, thank you, Nanao. I didn't see that. Are you doing something special tonight?"

"As a matter of fact, I am. And you're more than welcome, sir. You are such a gentleman." Shooting a look at Shunsui for his reaction, she squeezed her hands together in exaggerated excitement. "I have a big date tonight with a certain someone, who shall go nameless … and shirtless and … I'd better go get ready." She giggled lightly in a high timbre. "It was so nice to talk to you, Captain, and if you happen to see my captain around, would you please tell him that we have an infestation?" Nanao smiled politely at Ukitake and began to hum, giving a high pitched 'hey!' as she left the room.

Shunsui looked after her, a look of disbelief on his face. "She giggled! My Nanao doesn't giggle. She's been taken over by aliens, Jushiro."

Ukitake laughed. "Or love. Quite the spitfire you have there, Shunsui. I'd say you got a lot of 'splainin' to do, Lucy." He jumped Shunsui's man over his own and removed his piece from the board. "My turn."

Having quickly regained his sense of humor, Shunsui snapped his head around to stare at his friend. "And you complain about me watching my real worlder box too much, Jushiro. You're just as bad."

"I don't see how she can put up with you, Shunsui." He jumped his man over Shunsui's remaining king, signaling a victory.

"She'll get over it. Like she always does. You cheated."

"I hope you're right, especially when she finds out Hisagi's in jail. No big date tonight, I'm afraid. And I didn't cheat." He began to set up the board for another game.

"I'm glad her date will be cancelled. How can she give me her full attention if it's focused on him?" Shunsui folded his arms over his chest, his hands up his sleeves.

"Just another reason for her to be angry with you." Captain Ukitake pointed towards his friend. "You start. Those boys are in trouble, Shunsui."

"Just move one, any one." He pulled his hat down over his eyes. "The old man must be plenty upset with them for disturbing the peace of the Seireitei."

"Madder than a hollow with its hole filled with sand crabs, from what Sasakibe told me this morning," said Ukitake, moving a checker. "Personally, I think the old fellow enjoyed the excitement."

"I'll admit that it's has been rather boring around here without Aizen to liven things up." Shunsui yawned, stretching his arms behind him. "Where did you see Sasakibe? He's not your usual circle of acquaintances."

"He joined me for breakfast. I found it odd, too, but he wanted me to know about Hisagi and the others." Ukitake shrugged his shoulders. He was glad to receive the information from the vice captain of the first squad, but it had left him wondering why. The only answer he could come up with was that it was meant to get back to Shunsui.

"Don't give Hisagi ideas about sand crabs," said the dark haired man. "He's in enough trouble as it is, none of which is my fault. And I can't be blamed for her date being cancelled either." Shunsui paused, aware of Jushiro's eyes boring into him. "Why are you looking at me that way? I didn't know the old man would have those idiots arrested."

The captain cocked his head to one side, trying to understand his old friend. "Look at how happy Nanao is. Wasn't that what you wanted?"

Shunsui tch-ed. "I'm just so bored with the whole thing, Jushiro. I never thought I'd say this, but I want things back to the way they were. Nanao's nagging sounds much better than total silence. I miss her sharp tongue."

Ukitake paused, grasping at the silence between them, anxious to find the words to convey the extent of his disappointment in his friend. "Then defend them, Shunsui. You talked those five into this, now use that glib tongue of yours to undo some of the damage. You need to speak up for them at the hearing. You owe them that."

Kyouraku snorted. "I owe them nothing. Hisagi, on the other hand, owes me for the restaurant bill."

"So Nanao's happiness means so little to you, if it isn't tied into your own happiness?" Ukitake sat back on his heels.

Kyouraku stood suddenly. Walking to the window, he pulled back the curtain. "Of course, I want her to be happy, but that wasn't the plan. She'd go out on a few dates with him, he'd drop her, she'd come running back to me, I'd comfort her and she would appreciate me more. Is that so much to ask? But instead, she goes out on one date and the old man has him arrested. It's all screwed up."

Ukitake watched him closely. "They need someone to defend them. You have a chance to be the knight in shining armor, Shunsui, and rescue those boys." A sly glint came to his eyes. "Are you going to pass up a chance to have Nanao forever grateful to you?"

Shunsui stroked his chin. He thought about a shave, but since Nanao usually shaved him, he wasn't sure that he wanted to offer up his neck to her as she held a razor. Still, at least it would be contact of some sort… "Well, a grateful Nanao rushing into my arms would certainly make this old soldier happy," he shook his head, eyes to the ground, "but I don't want to see her with him again. For some odd reason, at the restaurant, it bothered me."

Ukitake looked over his shoulder towards the door where Nanao had exited. "Oh, Nanao," he called softly, "Shunsui can't be bothered to help your boyfriend Hisagi because he's a jealous fool. You don't mind visiting him in jail, do you, Nanao? I hear prison romances can flourish."

Protesting, Shunsui said honestly, "I'm not jealous, but she's my Nanao, and I'm not good at sharing. How do you think I've kept her all these years? Besides, you wouldn't tell her that, would you, Jushiro?" a hint of pleading in his voice.

A steely look came over Ukitake's face. He stood, hands on hips. "If you want to keep her for many more years, then you'll speak for those boys and fix my koi ponds, Shunsui. Koi ponds buy my silence."

Turning from the window, Shunsui wandered back over to the couch, slouching down into it again. "I've been meaning to ask you. You really don't expect me to dig them all by myself, do you?"

"I do."

Shunsui snorted abruptly. "Too high a price to pay for your silence. I'll speak for the boys, Jushiro, but I think we need to reopen negotiations on our koi pond deal."

"Don't be ridiculous. A deal's a deal. You said you'd take responsibility for them."

"Yes, but it's going to be so much work," he yawned. "I'll just hire someone. What do you care as long as they get rebuilt?"

"I care, believe me!" Ukitake slapped a hand down on the table, making the other man jump. "I put a lot of work into those ponds and gardens, and because of you, they were destroyed. I want you to feel part of my loss and if the only way to do that is have you rebuilt them with your own hands, so be it."

"You're so uptight, Jushiro," said Kyouraku, with a hand wave. "I feel your pain without having to do the work because you're constantly reminding me of it."

His mouth fell open in disbelief. "Uptight? Me? Are you trying to screw me over too, Shunsui?"

"You're cute, but you're not my type. I've told you that before." With a wink, he put his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling. This conversation was over.

"Maybe the captain general was right," snarled Ukitake in a controlled voice, aware that he was being dismissed. "You will regret this, my friend." With a quick flip of his hands, the checker board flew into the air, scattering checkers everywhere. Ukitake strode to the door. "No negotiations! Fix 'em! And do something for those boys!" The door slammed behind him.

Craning his neck, Shunsui yelled after his friend. "I told you I'd speak on their behalf!" Picking one of the scattered checkers from his lap, he yelled again. "I'm not picking those up!" Relaxing, he stretched his long arms and dropped the checker back into his lap. He called loudly, "Nanao dear, I have a job for you! Damn it, Jushiro. Why must you be so uptight? … 'Like a virgin … hey!' ... Aw, not again."

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1.) "Like A Virgin," Madonna, Sire Records, 1984.


	41. A Boy and His Dog

**A/N: Hi, everyone! Thanks for the wonderful welcome back!!! It looks like I'll be posting a new chapter every 5 to 10 days until we're finished. We've got a long way to go yet unless Tite Kubo issues a restraining order since I don't own Bleach. **

**I love this chapter!! ****I hope you do too. ****It's the first chapter of the trial which at this point runs through chapter 48. After you read, go to Dolphin Whisperer's website to see a picture drawn especially for this chapter. (Take out the spaces) http:// bcollie9 .deviant art. com /art /Komamuras- Declaration- 115426140**

**Please don't hate Shunsui too much. He just doesn't get it, but believe me, he will.  
**

**Warning: Language**

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"So how was your date with Shuuhei?" Rangiku nudged the dark haired woman with her elbow as they took their seats in the vice captain's gallery of the large hall. "Did you have a good time? Do you think you'll go out with him again?"

Captain General Yamamoto had called a special meeting for all captains and vice captains. Rumors were swirling. Some, like Marechiyo Oomaeda, believed that the captain general would announce plans about the new festival that the Court Guard squads were working on in an effort to appease the powerful Oomaeda family, whose last festival had been ruined by five overzealous Shinigami.

Others, like Captain Kuchiki, believed that the captain general would be addressing pest control for the containment of those five annoying pests that had been plaguing the Seireitei. Those who knew about the arrests guessed correctly that a hearing would soon commence to punish the five offenders of the peace. While not everyone agreed, most felt that some punishment was necessary, if only to restore order and keep others in line.

Only one person besides the captain general knew for certain that most of the shenanigans would now be commencing behind the scenes in a carefully thought-out plot to punish the mastermind behind it all. She sat quietly next to her chatty blond neighbor.

"The date was fine, thank you," said Nanao, staring straight ahead. She sat with Rangiku, Momo Hinamori, and Isane in the gallery, a row of balcony seats reserved for vice captains.

The area was small with a low ceiling, tucked like an after-thought high into a back corner of the larger room. A waist-high railing made of solid panels contained the area, with a staircase off to the side leading down to the main floor of the meeting room.

The balcony seemed oddly empty without Hisagi, Kira, and Renji there. Usually, for no particular reason, the men sat with the men and the women sat with the women, although Nemu was under strict orders to keep away from Matsumoto. Tetsuzaemon Iba was the only male in the balcony today, unless one counted Marechiyo Oomaeda. Iba and Oomaeda came from different worlds. Cordial only, they had nothing to say to each other, so they didn't.

Today, Iba sat closer to the women than usual. Without the other males around, he was the only suitable male in the gallery, and he was hoping that the women would be falling all over him by the end of the meeting.

He hadn't counted on Yachiru actually falling on him. The girl had attached herself to his shoulders the moment she realized that he was tall enough to reach the low ceiling. Prodding Iba like a rider on a horse, Yachiru forced him to stand again and again, causing her to bonk her head on the low ceiling. "Ouch!" As Iba sat down, she'd poke him again. "Do that again, so I can catch the stars and birdies. Ouch! Ooo, almost got one. Where's my sword thingie? Do that again."

Sitting in his usual spot, Oomaeda found himself peppered with questions about his physique from a very curious Nemu who had chosen the seat next to him. "Do the extra chins help keep your head straight on your neck? How do you get that thing around your middle to flop over your obi like that? I'm sure my captain could fix that. How do you feel about waxing? Do you know where Brazil is?" Marechiyo looked around for relief, but found none. He'd even be willing to talk to Iba if it would get rid of Nemu.

The captains were lined up in two rows of chairs on the main floor. SoiFon, Unohana, Kuchiki, Komamura were on the left side; Kyouraku, Hitsugaya, Zaraki, Kurotsuchi and Ukitake were on the other. It was unusual for them to be seated, but then this was no ordinary meeting. Yama-Jii had called it on short notice. It served as an omen that the session would be a long one.

"Fine, thank you?" complained Matsumoto to the reticent Nanao. "That's all you have to say? Give a girl a little nibble, Nanao. Did you kiss Shuuhei? Better yet, did you nibble him?" Momo snickered at Rangiku's forwardness, but the woman always seemed to get her answers.

Nanao was tired. Her meeting with Yama-Jii had lasted into the wee hours of the morning. To start setting the trap that they had planned, she had had to report for work duty in the morning and had to act perky and happy when all she really wanted to do was sleep. She was tired, but she had no desire to give up any information about her date to the nosy woman. Playing a game of cat and mouse with Rangiku would be tricky. "That's none of your business," Nanao said flatly. Picking a bright color in the row of captains, she focused hard on it. Unfortunately, the spot she chose to focus on was the purple collar of Mayuri Kurotsuchi who was busy picking at his teeth with his disturbingly long fingernail.

"I beg to differ!" The blond folded her arms over her ample chest. "I helped you get ready, remember? I've stood by you through it all, remember? I've supported you and trained you in the ways of men, and I've watched you grow into a desirable woman, even if you did insist on wearing more clothes than a mountain climbing Sherpa. I … " she looked at Isane. "_We_ made you, Nanao, now give it up. Did you give it up to Hisagi or not?"

"I told you. It's none of your business."

"That's so not fair," pouted Rangiku, stamping a foot. "It just about killed me, but I honored your request and didn't follow you on your date last night. You owe me!"

"Me, too," said Momo. "Have you ever tried to hog-tie someone with really big boobs? And I mean, like, massive tsunami breasts." She gestured with her hands. "We didn't have enough rope!"

"I'm sorry," Nanao said softly, mindful of her discussion with Yama-Jii, "but I just can't talk about it, other than we had a really nice time. That will have to be enough information for you, Rangiku."

The blond hunkered down in her chair, her lip stuck out in serious pout. Staring straight ahead, she muttered under her breath, "If you were a man, I bet you'd tell me what I want to know. You just wait until I get my hands on Shuuhei. He'll tell me everything, Miss Snotty Pants."

"Really, Rangiku!" erupted Isane. "They ate chocolate truffles and caviar by candlelight at a romantic restaurant. Then Shuuhei took her to a hill overlooking the Rukongai on a white horse. Lit only by moonlight, they made mad, passionate love under a tall oak tree until they fell asleep. Awakened at the morning's dawn by a pair of love birds, he fed her wild strawberries and fresh cream for breakfast and was arrested while gallantly defending her honor from a band of ruffians outlaws. There! Are you satisfied now?"

A big grin appeared on the blonde's face as she perked up. "See? Now, was that so hard?"

"But, that's not what …" Protesting, Nanao turned in confusion to Isane for help.

Isane grabbed her arm. "Do you want her to pout for the rest of this meeting? She wants details, Nanao. They don't have to accurate, as long as they're details for her to fanaticize about. See how happy she is now?" Nanao conceded that Isane had a point.

Rangiku smiled into the distance. Giving a happy little sigh, she tucked her arm around Tetsuzaemon Iba's elbow and placed her head on his shoulder. She looked up at him and said, "Strawberries for breakfast. How romantic."

"Uh, sure," Iba replied, trying to figure out where he could get strawberries. The man smiled widely and snorted. Rather pleased by the unexpected, but hoped-for, affection and the prospect of a romantic breakfast with Rangiku, he looking around, hoping to be seen by other male Shinigami. If only Kira, Hisagi and the others could see him now. Oomaeda didn't count, unless he knew where to get strawberries.

A voice called from below. "Matsumoto, you're not wet laundry, and he's not a clothesline! Quit hanging on him!"

"Yes, Captain!" Rangiku immediately untucked herself from the man, which she had been planning to do anyway, since Yachiru had been kicking her from her position on Iba's head.

Iba smiled broadly at the attention from Rangiku. "I didn't mind, Captain Hitsugaya."

"Lieutenant," reprimanded his own Captain Komamura with a growl, "this isn't a brothel. Refrain yourself from your dalliances with questionable women and remember where you are."

Looking across the hall at Komamura, Hitsugaya sputtered, "Are you calling my vice captain a … a … a woman of the evening?"

"It appears as if I did, considering the way she has thrown herself at my vice captain. You should teach her some restraint." Komamura crossed his arms over his chest and grunted.

Rising from his seat, Hitsugaya changed his mind and settled back in his chair on top of a corner of Captain Kyouraku's pink kimono. He talked in a strained, yet controlled, voice. "Restraint she has, but if you call her that one more time, I may not be able to restrain myself."

"Are you threatening me, Toshiro?"

"If the shoe fits, chew it, Sajin." He crossed both legs and arms in disgust, the top leg kicking the air angrily. Kyouraku pulled the kimono out from under him, but he ignored it.

Komamura pointed a finger at the smaller captain. "I demand that you tell your subordinate to leave mine alone."

"I didn't realize your family tree included pointers, Sajin. English Setter?"

Brushing the wrinkles out of his kimono, Shunsui Kyouraku said playfully, "Captain Komamura, you sly dog, do I hear a touch of jealousy in your voice? Possessiveness of one's vice captain is so unbecoming." He stretched his legs lazily, brushing against Hitsugaya's in a nudge.

"Mind your own business, Kyouraku," barked Komamura.

"Captain Kyouraku, please." Hitsugaya touched his arm, partly as a warning. "This is between the honorable Captain Furball and myself." The two warring captains stared at each other across the hall.

"Yes, Kyouraku," said Komamura. "The leprechaun and I seem to have some unfinished business."

Hitsugaya's face turned red. "Lepre… This isn't finished, not by a long shot."

"No, indeed, Captain, it isn't. I wouldn't want to short change you. You obviously enjoy these little talks and I wouldn't want you to feel slighted."

"Very funny. Keep it up, Komamura. You're already in my dog house with your tail between your legs."

"Personally," he glanced at Matsumoto, "I have an affinity for bitches, but I don't like them hanging off my lieutenant."

"Oh, I hope Yachiru didn't hear that word," said Kyouraku, quietly. "Right, Kenpachi? There might be some 'splainin' to do. Damn it, Jushiro, you've got me doing it now. I hate _Lucy_." 1

Ukitake, in a desperate attempt to stay out of the conversation, studied the back corner of the room. He mused about the fascinating blend of positive and negative space with the light juxtaposed from behind the dark outline of a chair like a postmodern objet d'art. Fascinating, simply fascinating.

"Hey, will you guys shaddup?" Kenpachi Zaraki spoke up, towering over Toshiro by leaning in from his other side. "Hitsugaya, walk yer dog. Komamura, curb yer boy."

"Oh, grow some eyebrows, Kenpachi! He started it." Hitsugaya pushed Kenpachi out of his face and pointed at Komamura.

As Komamura glared at the diminutive captain, Matsumoto called over the railing, "It's okay, Captain. I've been called worse."

He shot a warning back at Komamura. "It's not okay, Matsumoto. You are my vice captain, and I'm the only one allowed to call you names!"

"I was referring to females of my persuasion," sneered the much larger captain. "Whatever are you talking about, Whelp?"

"That does it!" An irate Kenpachi stood up and stomped across the room towards Komamura. "There's an impressionable young person in the room." He pointed towards Yachiru just as Iba took her for another bonk on the ceiling. "And I don't think it's necessary for her to hear you yammering about bitches. 'Bitches' this. 'Bitches' that. How many times do you have to say the word 'bitches' to get your point across, Sajin? You like bitches; he doesn't, so stop talking about bitches or I'll give you something to really bitch about."

Komamura rose halfway out of his chair. "It is perfectly acceptable language in my social circle, Zaraki, so if you don't like it, don't say it yourself! Now sit down before I knock you down. This is between the whelp and me."

"You gonna take that, boy?" asked Kenpachi as he descended roughly into his chair.

"At least, he didn't call you a runt," smiled Kyouraku.

"I resent that, Sajin! I am not a whelp or a runt, you … you … you lumberjack!"

Komamura pounded his fists on his thighs. "I would never wear plaid!!"

Bored by the sheer childishness of his comrades and ready to dole out his justice against Abarai, Captain Kuchiki said calmly, "Gentlemen, please. Surely this can wait. We're all tense because of lack of battle, but that's no reason to act like less than civilized men." He glanced at Komamura. "Or boys with pets."

Komamura growled low in his throat.

"We'll settle this elsewhere." Hitsugaya glared icily at the snouted captain.

"Agreed!" Komamura's fur bristled under his uniform. It was annoying since the hairs got caught in the fabric, but if he had anything to say about it, Hitsugaya would learn not to pet a rabid dog.

Rangiku turned towards Nanao. "Isn't the captain cute, the way he always sticks up for me? He yells and yells and yells, but in the end, he always sticks up for me."

"It must be nice," sighed Nanao, looking at her pink-robed captain who was starting to nod off and was badly in need of a shave. In spite of herself, she hated to see him looking so disheveled, but she couldn't trust herself to hold a razor to his neck right now without causing major damage to a vital artery, since all her captain seemed to be doing lately was inciting trouble.

"Let's get on with this, shall we?" Byakuya sniffed.

"What's a matter, Pustule Pete?" mocked Kenpachi. "Got ants in your pants?"

"I should have gone a round with you in the ring, Kenpachi, instead of wasting my time on Abarai." He put a finger to his lip in thought. "Oh, that's right, you'd have to catch me first."

"A wrestling match! Photo op! I'll take the pictures!" laughed SoiFon, directly challenging the regal captain. "Not exactly stripper shots from a bridal shower, but maybe I can sell a few cheap thrills to the Byakuya Kuchiki fan club."

Leaning forward over Unohana, he responded by grabbing one of SoiFon's pigtails. He threatened, "You _will_ hand over those pictures, Captain SoiFon."

She elbowed his arm which flew up, barely missing Unohana's chin. SoiFon replied with a wicked gleam, "Wrestle you for 'em, Kuchiki."

"I do not wrestle women, even though your gender is debatable." He yanked her hair causing SoiFon to land in Unohana's lap.

"Please," said the medic with a light laugh, "I'm not worth of the two of you fighting over me. Kindly go back to your corners and stay there ... or else."

"My apologies, Retsu," said Kuchiki. "Be warned. Captain SoiFon might need your services soon."

"Not before you do, your royal snootiness! I'll push your snooty, aristocratic nose so far down your throat, you'll be breathing out of your…"

"Hey, wait your turn, Soy Bean," yelled Kenpachi. "I get a crack at him first." He reached around Mayuri Kurotsuchi and slapped Ukitake hard on the leg. "Hey, I'll get him worn down for you, then you can finish him off."

Jushiro demurred. "That's awfully kind of you, Kenpachi, but I have no beef with Captain Kuchiki."

"Hell, I don't either, unless you count that I can't stand the guy. It'll be fun to beat on him just for the heck of it, don't you think?" grinned the man. His eye patch tended to flip up a bit whenever he smiled broadly, revealing a few rows of little gnawing teeth. He patted it back in place, after a nod of approval from a curious Kurotsuchi.

Byakuya checked out his well-manicured nails. "To use a rather trite expression, you and whose army?"

"Me, me, and …" Kenpachi paused dramatically, "oh, yea, me."

"It's all right, Captain. I can patch you back up," smiled Unohana.

"And I can regenerate any limb that's necessary," added Mayuri Kurotsuchi, "although it might not be human."

"Oh, dear, Shunsui," sighed Ukitake to himself, looking down the row to where Shunsui sat with his hat tipped over his face. "Look at the problems you've caused."

Shunsui answered with a heavy snore.

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A/N:**

1.) Refers to "I Love Lucy," iconic TV show with Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez.

Don't forget to see the picture of our favorite furry captain.


	42. A Little Yama Drama

**A/N: Thanks once again for the great reviews. I haven't had a chance to respond to them all, but I will. Thanks, too, to those who decided to torture themselves and read some of my other stories. I appreciate the favs for them and this! **

**On a side note, I like my Yama-Jii better than I like Tite Kubo's Yama-Jii. I don't own him or Bleach, so I guess it's a matter of asking the question, "Whose Yama-Jii would be more fun at a party?" I should do a poll...  
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**On another side note, if you've read this far, you've read the equivalent of a 400 page novel. We're on our way to "Prisoner of Azkaban" size (107,253) now! I'll let you know when we're headed into "Half Blood Prince" (168,923) territory. I doubt that we'll make it to "Order of the Phoenix" size (257,045), but if you're still interested by then, I'll try.**** ENJOY! **

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"Hey, Kenny!" yelled Yachiru, waving madly from her spot on Iba's head. "I can touch the ceiling. Stand up, Tall Guy." Perhaps out of compliance or sadism, Iba stood whenever the little vice captain requested, each time hitting her head on the ceiling, each time giving her a head rush and finally knocking her unconscious to the quiet delight of those around the normally hyper girl.

"You better not hurt her, or I'll come up there after you, boy," yelled Kenpachi from the court floor.

"It's okay, Captain," Rangiku yelled back. "She's just asleep."

"Okay, then," said a satisfied Kenpachi. As he returned his attention to the bickering on the floor, Rangiku leaned into Iba, "If she starts to wake up, play that 'game' with her again."

Beneath the vice captain's gallery, massive wooden doors opened and Captain General Yamamoto entered, with his vice captain Sasakibe behind him. The captains stood and bowed respectfully, as the vice captains did the same. The captain general stopped and turned at a commotion in the balcony level. Iba waved sheepishly. With a huff, the captain general continued on his walk to the front of the room. Only the vice captains would ever know that Iba had almost lost the limp Yachiru over the railing. Borrowing Rangiku's pink scarf, he secured it around the girl's waist, so he could pull her back up like a yo-yo if it happened again.

The captain general reached his seating area, a raised platform with a cushioned high-backed chair and two small tables with the banners of the royal families in the background. Sasakibe took his customary place behind him to the left of the chair. Yama-Jii, leaning on his staff, cleared his throat. He paused, waiting for all eyes to center on him. "Get on with it," he said impatiently, looking back at Sasakibe.

The aide managed to roll his eyes and sound regal at the same time. "Please stand for the Pledge."

A small child-like snore came from the gallery.

The Shinigami stood, placed their hands on their weapons and recited in unison the oath that they each had taken when they had become Soul Reapers.

"I pledge allegiance to the Soul Society and the residents of Karakura Town and beyond, and to the Seireitei from which I came, one reaper, using konsou, with soul particles and reiatsu for all."

Noisily reseating themselves, the captains and vice captains waited patiently for Yama-Jii to start the session. The old man made himself comfortable on the high-backed chair by folding his legs lotus-style beneath himself. He nodded to Sasakibe who proceeded to rustle through some papers in preparation for the business of the day.

Yama-Jii looked back at the distracted man. "Put those papers down. Where's my water, Sasakibe? You know I need water for these long meetings to keep me hydrated. A wise man once said, 'Hydration is the key to good skin.' Perhaps I read that in a fortune cookie, eh, Shunsui?"

The bristle-heavy captain shook his head. "I'm sure it was some place else, sir. No one pays much attention to fortune cookies."

"Perhaps not, but old men like me must pay attention to good skin care and the inner workings of one's own body. Without water, I might shrivel like a prune. Virile specimens like us hate to shrivel, isn't that right, Captain Kuchiki?" Behind his hand, but loud enough for all to hear, he said to Sasakibe, "He already looks like an old prune. Get him a glass too."

Byakuya glared at the old man. He didn't appreciate the insult and appreciated the laughter from his fellow captains even less, especially laughter from Captain SoiFon, the keeper of those dreadful pictures.

Sasakibe was quick to supply a fresh glass to the captain general, then one to Byakuya who indignantly back-handed the glass away. Returning to his position behind Yama-Jii, Sasakibe set the unwanted glass on the table.

After taking a sip, the old man set his glass on the low table next to him and settled into his chair, shifting his legs under him. He eyed the glasses with amusement. Picking one up in each hand, he clinked them lightly together. In a high voice, he said, "Do you take this glass of water to be your lawfully wedded drinking partner?" Animating the glass in his right hand, he raised it and said, "I do." He then turned his attention to the glass in his left hand. "And do you also?" he asked. The glass of water sloshed a bit as he gurgled "I do" in his throat. "I now pronounce you glassware and wife. Be fruitful. Go and make little juice tumblers." With the mock ceremony over, he returned the glasses to the table. Polite, bewildered applause broke out among the captains and vice captains. "I do like babies," he muttered to himself. Looking up at Sasakibe, he asked, "Do you remember which one is mine?"

Sasakibe replied, "No, sir. Are you ready, sir?"

In a loud voice, Yama-Jii responded, "Yes, I'm ready. I'm always ready. Aren't you, Captain Kuchiki?" He chuckled to himself, ignoring the staid captain's death glare. Straightening his haori, he asked, "Before we start, does anyone know where I might be able pay a scrunchies tax?" The captain general put his hand to his brow and strained to look into the vice captain's balcony. "Little Hinamori, are you up there?"

Sliding down in her chair, Momo clutched at Rangiku's hakama with pleading eyes. Rangiku called out, "She had to go to the little Shinigami's room, sir."

"Thank you, Vice Captain Matsumoto. I have been asked to pay a tax on scrunchies; however, I am unaware of whom the ruling taxation body might be. Therefore, I have been unable to pay this tax which is rightly due. A wise man once said, 'A man must honor his debts.' I don't believe that came from a fortune cookie." He fingered the six scrunchies on his beard. "I thought perhaps little Hinamori might be able to tell me where to pay this tax, since she gave me these delightful scrunchies."

Momo made herself comfortable on the floor. Maybe sending out prank Hell butterflies at the sleep-over hadn't been such a good idea after all.

Yamamoto continued, "In preparing for this meeting, I have come to the realization that the rules have become quite lax around here. That is why it is so vitally important that the captain general be a good role model to our younger Shinigami and pay the scrunchies tax. If I am unable or unwilling to follow the rules myself, how can I expect those that I lead to follow the rules?"

Heads bobbed up and down in agreement.

He cleared his throat and paused before continuing, "I have called this special hearing to attend to matters of discipline that have resulted from this laxity. My, that sounds like a bathroom problem, doesn't it? And since we're all here, we might as well clear up some other business, too, which we will do at the end. Remind me, Sasakibe."

"Yes, Captain General."

"On that note, it has come to the attention of the captain general that some of our subordinates have been wreaking havoc throughout the Seireitei, in a quest for a young lady's hand. Why they would not want the rest of her, I do not know." He paused for effect. "That's a joke, Sasakibe."

"Yes, Captain General."

"No sense of humor." He picked up a glass of water and took a sip. "Ahhh … the giant's got me. Save me, Waterford, save me!" With help from the captain general, the glass of water found safety next to its mate on the table. "I'll protect you, Aquafina!"

"Sir." Sasakibe nudged the chair from behind.

"Ahem," he cleared his throat again. "This is a crucial time as we gear up for the coming winter war. All should be training and resting up for the next battle, instead of causing disruptions, no matter how noble the call, booty or otherwise. And while it seems to some that the office of captain general supported the actions of these young whippersnappers … what a fun word. I've always wanted to use that … WHIPpersnapper … whipperSNAPper … whip …"

"Sir, you've gotten off-track again," reminded Sasakibe.

"Oh, yes, of course, and while it seems to some that the office of the captain general has supported the actions of these young whippersnappers, hehe, I find that there must be far-reaching accountability for their misdeeds and mischief. Therefore, a hearing!" He searched the faces of the captains around him, looking for signs of … he didn't know what, but he'd know it when he saw it. "Bring in the prisoners!"

"Bring in the prisoners!" ordered Sasakibe in a loud voice.

"I said that already, you nincompoop!"

"But, Captain General, protocol in a proceeding like this says that your second is responsible for carrying out your orders."

"Then go get the prisoners!" He waved his arms wildly in Sasakibe's direction. "It's what I wanted, and instead, you stand there and yell in my ear. Why did you yell in my ear? Do you want the captain general to go deaf in his old age? Next time, get the prisoners yourself instead of disturbing an old man's nap."

"Sir, this isn't the time to be napping when the innocence of five men is at stake. If I may, sir, I'm certain that this court will find that only four of them are guilty of anything. And if the other one just happened to be bald and in the wrong place at the wrong time, I'm sure, in your great wisdom, that justice will prevail."

"Yes, Hisagi might very well be the innocent victim in all of this."

"Hisagi, sir? No, no, I meant…"

"I know who you meant, Chojirou. Don't get your hopes up. Where are those prisoners? Haven't you gotten them yet?"

"I'll go get them now."

"Tell one of the guards to do it. Delegate, Chojirou, you must learn to delegate."

"Guards! Bring in the prisoners!"

"Don't yell in my ear, you nincompoop!"

"Sorry, sir."


	43. Living Hell Defined

**A/N: **

"**Here we come, walkin' down the street, **

**Get the funniest looks from everyone we meet. **

**Hey, hey, we're the Monkees, people say we monkey around,**

**But we're too busy singin' to put anybody down."**

**I couldn't resist referencing the theme song to the 60's TV show **_**The Monkees**_**. The Shinigami aren't singing, but there's a lot of monkey business going on. I don't own Bleach or the Monkees. Enjoy!

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**

Five humbled men were led through the hall towards the hearing room. Each wore a plain white robe, tied at the waist with a white sash, and white pants that came only to mid-calf. Their hands were bound through kidou in front of them, and they were all barefoot. All forms of ornamentation were gone.

Renji's hair lay about his shoulders in cascading red waves. He remembered why he usually wore it in a ponytail as it began to tickle his neck, causing him to twitch.

The lucky rabbit's foot that Kira usually wore around his neck was gone. As long as Yoruichi didn't cross his path in her black cat form, he might make it through the day. He was glad it wasn't Friday the thirteenth.

Hisagi's neck was bare except for latticework tan line where his choker had sat. His arm bands were gone. In their place were sleeves, annoying three quarter length sleeves. He kept shifting the robe on his shoulders in an attempt to find comfort.

Ikkaku's face was red from the guards trying to scrub off his eye shadings. No matter how many times he had said, "Dude, they're permanent!," they still scrubbed, until finally the captain of the guard had come by, examined him and declared that the red eye shadings were indeed permanent and not going anywhere in spite of the harsh scrubbing. By then, his face was red and puffy.

Gone also were Yumichika's eyebrow and eyelash feathers, his orange cowl and wristlet, and his supply of mirrors which he kept hidden about his person in case of emergency touch-ups. The guards had found them all.

As the five were led to the hearing room, the doors swung open, revealing the wide open hall and a portion of the upper balcony. All eyes were upon them, from the captains on the main floor to the remaining vice captains in the gallery, except for Yachiru who was still out cold and Momo who was cowering on the floor.

"Hold your heads up, boys. We'll get through this," said Renji confidently, as he twitched again. "We didn't do anything that we shouldn't have done."

Ikkaku prodded him. "There's Kuchiki."

"Crap, I forgot about him."

One by one the guards led them into the room for what was called the 'Heavy Walk of Ignoble Shame,' a long walk from the back of the hall to the front, past all of their comrades and friends until they would finally reached their judgment spot in front of Yama-Jii. Their zanpakutous were brought to the front as well, and placed in a guarded cabinet. Personal effects were brought in individual satchels, one per man, and placed in front of the old man.

Sasakibe called out in a strong voice, "Shuuhei Hisagi."

Shuuhei, accompanied by the guard, walked slowly through the room, looking neither left nor right, but anxiously searching for a sense of Nanao's presence in the room without being obvious. Worried that he had blown his chances with her by being arrested, he wanted to find her, but didn't dare. Squaring his shoulders in front of Yama-Jii, he stood stoically, looking into the old man's face. The old man merely winked and cast a quick glance into the balcony as if letting Hisagi know she was there.

"Strawberries," sighed Rangiku.

"We didn't …" started Nanao. She scrutinized the dreamy-eyed woman and sighed, "Don't forget the fresh cream." Rangiku shivered with delight.

"Renji Abarai." With a shoulder twitch to relieve a tickling hair, Renji, too, walked deliberately through the room, taking several quick panicked hitch steps as he passed too closely in front of a glaring Byakuya Kuchiki. Looking behind him at his incensed captain, he bumped into Shuuhei who pushed him off. Renji stumbled, losing his balance, caught it again, and then took his place next to Hisagi in front of Yama-Jii. Temporarily blocking his captain and his own impending doom from his mind, he concentrated on not twitching.

"Izu Rukira." Kira shuffled quickly to the front, his shoulders bent, his head bowed in typical Kira humility. He had been forced to slick back his hair so that it wasn't in his eyes. This made him uncomfortable since he was used to hiding behind his bangs. It had taken three broken combs and a wire brush to unstiffen them. With only a few wayward strands of hair falling into his face, the lights in the room seemed particularly bright as he tried to shield his eyes with his kidou-cuffed hands.

"Who is Izu Rukira?" asked a puzzled Yama-Jii.

"That's me, Captain General," answered Kira, with a slight double-handed wave.

"Since when? Sasakibe, who is this man?"

"Izuru Kira, sir."

"Then where is Izu Rukira?"

"Right here, sir," said Kira, calling the captain general's attention.

"No, no, no," the captain general shook his head. "I distinctly remember this Rukira fellow. A real troublemaker. You remember him, don't you, Sasakibe?"

"Sorry, sir."

"What good are you then? What are you charged with, vice captain?"

"I stepped on a guard's foot, sir."

"And …"

"And … that's it, I guess."

The captain general turned towards the head guard. "Where is this Rukira fellow?"

The guard snapped to attention. "He got away, sir. We haven't been able to apprehend him yet."

"Sir, if I may speak," asked Shuuhei quietly.

"You're a prisoner. Why should I listen to you?"

"Because I can shed some light on this situation. You see, sir …"

"I did not give you permission to speak."

Shuuhei gulped. "Sorry, sir."

"Well?" ordered the captain general.

"Uh …" Shuuhei looked around nervously, a bit uncertain about what to do. When he finally looked back at Yama-Jii, the old man's mustache was bobbing up and down in merriment as he snickered under his breath.

"You may speak now, lieutenant," said Yama-Jii slowly and loudly, as if talking to a person of much lower intelligence.

"Thank you, sir," said Shuuhei, elbowing Renji awkwardly as the red head tried to stifle his laughter. "You see, sir, Kira's name was misspelled on the arrest warrant."

"Oh, I don't care," huffed Yama-Jii, waving his arm in dismissal. "Izuru Kira, I find you guilty by association. Take him away."

"What?" protested Renji. "The evidence hasn't even been presented yet!"

"You yelling at me, boy?" barked Yama-Jii. "Do you know what living hell means?"

"Yes, sir. I do. It means being lieutenant under Byakuya Kuchiki."

Yama-Jii stopped and looked at Renji, then to Byakuya who was turning a bright shade of red. Putting a hand to his chin, he turned to Sasakibe. "I guess he does know what living hell means. Much better than my definition."

"Yes, sir. Much better," agreed Sasakibe.

"Shut up. Bring in the next prisoner."

Sasakibe's voice broke, "I-Ikkaku Madarame." Ikkaku, perhaps as a direct reaction to Kira's entrance, danced into the room, showing off his footwork and smiling in spite of his swollen eyes.

"He's putting up such a brave front," whispered Captain Unohana to SoiFon as he danced along in front of them. "It's obvious he's been crying, the poor dear."

"Wait! What?" yelled Ikkaku as the guards pushed him along. "I wasn't crying. I don't cry. Crying is not an option in my squad!"

"Shut up, ya weeping pansy. You're making it worse," commanded Kenpachi from across the room. "Yer an embarrassment to the squad. At least, the fruitcake will have some class."

"Yumichika Ayasegawa." The disdain in Sasakibe's voice was obvious.

"Don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look at me, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, you're looking, stop it, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look …"

The litany of 'don't looks' continued as Yumichika was pulled into the room by the arm. As the guard struggled to get the man to the front of the room, Yumichika fought him, dragging his feet, but also hiding his face in his own shoulder and behind his bound hands, yelling 'don't look' the entire way to the front. Finally, another guard joined the first. Together, they lifted Yumi by the elbows and with his feet flailing in the air, they carried him to the front of the room, dropping him unceremoniously in line with his co-defendants. The exhausted guards retreated and Yama-Jii studied the five men in front of him: the disciplined Hisagi, the stalwart Abarai, the ill-at-ease Kira, the swollen Madarame (not that he ever expected much from Kenpachi's crew) and finally Ayasegawa, hiding behind his own hands.

"What is the matter with you, boy?" asked Yama-Jii gruffly.

"Don't look at me! I'm not as pretty as usual!"

"These are court proceedings, boy, not a fashion show…"

Ikkaku snickered, poking Kira hard in the ribs with his elbow which sent him flying into Renji, who bumped into Shuuhei, who staggered a bit before catching his balance.

Yama-Jii glared at Kenpachi. "Keep your men in line!" he ordered.

Kenpachi, slightly taken aback by the captain general's rough tone, looked helplessly at the old man. "What the hell you expect me to do, baby sit them? I got Yachiru too, you know."

"I don't care if you open a Shinigami daycare center and potty train them. Keep them in line in this courtroom."

"Yea, yea, ya old fart. I hear ya," muttered Kenpachi under his breath.

"I need to get my ears checked from Sasakibe yelling in them. I'm sure I didn't hear what I think I heard. Sasakibe, you have damaged my hearing."

"Whatever you say, sir."

Kenpachi glanced up at the gallery. Iba grabbed the unconscious Yachiru's arm and flapped it in a wave. Satisfied, the big man turned his attention back to Yumichika.

"Fruit cake, what's up with you? You pansies are really making the eleventh look bad."

"I'm ugly!" wailed Yumi. "I'm allergic to ugly. My face swells, my eyes get watery, my nose runs. I'm allergic to ugly! I'm allergic to me!!" Clear, teary liquid flowed freely from Yumi's eyes, his nose duplicating the sight with slightly more viscous fluid. "I don't have any adornment at all. I look like them!" He pointed to Kira, Renji, Hisagi and Ikkaku. "I look like Ikkaku! I. Can't. Breathe," he cried dramatically, clasping his neck, his eyes ballooning in size and redness to somewhere close to Ikkaku's. Renji and Shuuhei peered around Kira at the eleventh squad members.

"They're twins," said Renji.

"Twin morons," agreed Shuuhei.

"I'm dying! Ikkaku! Promise me you'll retire FujiKujaku to a good home when I'm gone. Someplace warm and … and humid where that ungrateful bastard will rust and get ugly. I can hear you laughing at me, you peacock! And to think … ACHOO … I wanted to send you to a good home. You ingrate! I am too allergic to be ugly. Yeah, I'm sneezing at you, you fickle sickle! Taking away my beauty isn't punishment enough? Now I have to listen to a snide zanpakutou?"

"Beauty isn't only skin-deep, Yumi," soothed Kira softly.

"Don't be an ass. Of course, it's only skin deep. Have you ever seen an intestine? All slimy and tube-like with that little appendix thing sticking out there." He wagged his pinkie. "What is that all about? To take something as ugly as an intestine and attach a cute little overcropping to it. That doesn't make the intestine cute; it makes the appendix ugly. If I were that appendix, I'd fill up with pus and rupture myself just to put me out of my ugly misery. Who in their right mind would want to be attached to an intestine? It's just plain ugly, I tell you. Ugly like me. I used to be the cute appendix; now I'm the ugly intestine. Please, Captain General, sentence me to death. I just want to die. I need my beauty. I'm nothing without it."

"Enough!" roared Yama-Jii. "Here, use this to ornament yourself if it will shut you up. I don't think you can use it to escape." The old man removed a brown scrunchie from the bottom of his beard and threw it sling-shot style at Yumichika. "You'll have to pay a tax on that."

"Oh, thank you, Captain General. You have no idea how close you came to saving me from a life of ugly. I thought for sure that I was traveling down Ugly's Highway of Death. I mean, Ikkaku's my friend and all, but really. Would you want to look like him?" He studied the brown scrunchie trying to decide how to accessorize himself with it. "You know, I really can't work with this color. You have a lovely orange two up from the bottom. I'm sure if we can just make an exchange…"

Yama's powerful reiatsu flooded the room.

Kenpachi bellowed, "You want ornamentation, Fruitcake, I'll decorate your ass with my foot, now shaddup and get over yourself."

"Fine," pouted Yumi, "I can deal with brown. I don't suppose I can borrow one or two of your bells?"

"Aw, shaddup!"

"I'll take that as a 'no.'"


	44. Legend of Izu Rukira and the Drinky Bird

**A/N: It owns me; I don't own it. **

**Warning: language - no f words, but a couple of b words and an a word too.  
**

**I want to send out a special thank you to all who have 'favorited' this story, and some of my other ones, as well as everyone who has asked to be alerted when a new chapter comes out. There are quite a few of you out there, and you deserve a nice thank you. So, thank you quite nicely!! And a thank you to my wonderful reviewers and regulars. You know who you are … and I love you all (Not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter. =O

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"The five of you have been charged with a variety of misdeeds, have you not?" Yama-Jii tugged his legs further onto the chair. The only thing touching the floor was his beard. Without the brown scrunchie to control it, the end had been consumed by static cling. It appeared to be dancing with the chair leg.

"That's correct, your highness, captain general, sir, we have not," stuttered Kira, bowing his head several times, each time a little bit deeper.

"Be quiet, fool. You look like a drinky bird. Sasakibe, read the charges."

"Yes, Captain General." Grabbing a folder with a large stack of papers in it, Sasakibe opened it and pulled out a list of charges. "Shuuhei Hisagi, Renji Abarai, Ikkaku M-Madarame, Izuru Kira, Yumichika Ayasegawa, you are hereby charged with mayhem, disruption of the peace, destruction of property, misappropriation of alcohol, gender specific fraud, aiding, abetting…"

"Aren't you done yet?" Yama-Jii tapped his fingers on the arm of the chair.

"One more charge, sir," said the dutiful Sasakibe. "Renji Abarai, you are also charged with inappropriate employment of _Solenopsis wagneri_."

Yama-Jii raised an eyebrow.

"Red ants, sir."

"Smarty pants. Prisoners, what have you to say to these charges?"

"Shove it up your…"

"We're innocent, sir, by reason of insanity…"

"I beg for mercy, Captain General. Do with me what you will, but don't hand me over to…"

"They made me do it…"

"I'm too ugly to live!"

Kenpachi spoke up, "Just kill the fruitcake, so we don't have to listen to him complain."

"Kill the whole useless squad while you're at it." Byakuya patted his scarf into position. It simply would not do to have a wrinkle in his heirloom.

Yama-Jii nodded. "Sound advice. I will consider it." He gestured to Saskibe. "Continue, Chojirou."

"That's it, sir. The big ones are destruction of property and disruption of the peace, which is of course, a more serious offense than disturbing the peace, but not as serious as discombobulation of the peace."

"You're making that up, aren't you?"

"Just making sure you're still awake, sir."

As the five men stood before Yama-Jii, each saw only two options for their future. One was jail, the other was death. Walking out of the hearing as free men was out of the question. Hisagi wondered if Nanao would visit him in jail. Prison life would be lonely without someone on the outside to cling to. Had their date bonded them enough to withstand the separation? He could only hope that she would still be there when he got out. Besides, his hands were itching to get a little frisky, an opportunity missed on their date.

Separation was also on Renji's mind. More precisely, his head separating from his body once Byakuya Kuchiki got his hands on him. Unlike Hisagi, Byakuya would not miss.

Ikkaku figured that prison would be a good training exercise. He would be able to beat the other inmates into submission in no time and rule the prison with an iron hand. As king of the prison, he would need a prison bitch. Kira was a good candidate. It's not like they'd actually be gay or anything. It was prison, after all, and that didn't count.

For his part, Kira was glad that Hisagi would be in jail too. Given his somewhat delicate nature, he figured that he might become a target for other prisoners. Therefore, he would ask his friend Hisagi for protection, and in return, he'd clean Hisagi's cell everyday and make sure his laundry was pressed. He'd be Shuuhei's prison domestic, sort of his 'wife' … er, maybe not. He liked Hisagi, but not like that, although, every now and then, random images of Shuuhei in a bikini popped into his head. He cast a sideways glance at Hisagi, calm as ever, then one to the other side at a leering Ikkaku. Kira shivered. Given the alternative, being Shuuhei's 'prison wife' was beginning to sound pretty good.

Yumichika had no vision of his future. He was dead. There was no use in pretending. He had died of excessive ugliness.

The captain general cleared his throat. "The list of charges against four of you is long. Renji Abarai, you have been charged separately with regards to your captain and the crawling of certain invasive species upon his person."

"Renji, quit climbing on your captain," snickered Ikkaku.

"Up yours, Mr. I'm-in-love-with-private-sword-play," retorted Renji.

"You said you wouldn't tell!"

Kenpachi hollered across the hall, "Hey, Kuchiki, I didn't know you swang that way." He slapped Hitsugaya on the back. "Ha!"

"It's 'swung,' you maladroit oaf," the royal's eyes tore into the man, "and I most certainly do not!"

Laughing, Kenpachi grabbed Hitsugaya around the neck and rubbed his knuckles into his white hair. "Good ta know. Wouldn't want you taking advantage of my squad members, so keep your aristocratic mitts to yourself. Right, Whitey?"

Toshiro struggled. "Unless you want a popsicle between your legs, let go of me!"

Byakuya sputtered, "My 'aristocratic mitts' and I would not go anywhere near your disease infested, addled brained, disgusting, uglier than dirt squad members."

"Kick a man while he's down, why don't you?" sobbed Yumichika, still reeling from his lack of pretty. He laid his head on Ikkaku's shoulder and wiped his nose.

The bald man recoiled. "Dude, was that necessary?"

Kenpachi grabbed Hitsugaya's arm and pointed it at Yumi. "See, Kuchiki, you made him cry again. I ain't never getting him straightened up at this rate if you keep insulting him." He pulled Hitsugaya into his armpit, narrowed his eye at Byakuya and frowned. "I might agree with you on the rest of 'em, but are you blind or bombed that you don't think Yachiru's cute?" A small pool of ice formed at his feet.

"I'm cuter than she is!" wailed Yumi, with a final wipe.

"I beg to differ," said Byakuya.

"Oh!" gasped Yumi, stamping his foot and covering his mouth with his hands.

He glared at Yumi. "I was talking to your captain."

The other man cocked his head coquettishly to the side. "So you do think I'm cute then."

Byakuya rolled his eyes. "For your information, Zaraki, I did not insult that feathered-brained numbskull. As for the pink-haired pest, she's annoying, not cute. Deal with your so-called men however you choose, Kenpachi, but I will not brook further insults to MY person."

"Yea, and what person is that--Abarai? You can have that pansy." Kenpachi laughed.

Renji saw his severed head roll across the floor of his imagination.

The ice advanced to the soles of Kenpachi's sandals, freezing them to the floor, but he didn't seem to notice. "What you two lovebirds do in the privacy of your own office is none of my business."

"I will make him beg for mercy in the privacy of my own office!"

"I've heard the rumors. You ain't THAT good," snorted Kenpachi, pushing Hitsugaya away by his forehead. Gasping for air, the shorter captain moved his chair away from Kenpachi and closer to Kyouraku on the other side. Shunsui smiled down at the shorter man and patted his head, pulling away as his hand began to freeze.

"He put pismires in my pants, you plebeian hockey puck," stressed the stately Kuchiki, slowly losing his temper.

"I wouldn't say 'pismires' none too loud," whispered Ikkaku.

"He means ants, moron." Shuuhei threw a shoulder into Renji, knocking him off balance. Like a domino, Renji stumbled into Kira who fell on Ikkaku, stepping on his foot.

"Do you step on everyone's feet, except your own?" asked the annoyed bald man. He'd fix that once they got to prison.

Recovering his balance, Renji said, "I beg to differ, Captain. Technically, I put them down your shirt. You've got to give those little buggers credit; they are industrious. They found their way to your pants on their own. Pretty damn fast too."

"I don't care how fast they got there, they still got there, Abarai. You're going to die! It may not be today, but mark my words, you will pay!"

"There you go being all poetic again, sir, just like at the bachelorette party."

"Stop it," warned the captain.

"One question, sir?" asked Renji slyly.

"What is it?"

"My head, are you going to lop it?"

"Just drop it, Abarai."

"My head, sir? My, my."

"I told you to st … just shut up."

"Shutting up, sir-rup."

Byakuya huffed, "Captain General, this is a perfect demonstration of why this man has no class."

"That really didn't rhyme, sir."

"You are a pea-brained, idiotic, simpering ass."

"That rhymed. Now try to rap it, sir."

"I will rap you. With the broad side of my sword. You won't know when, you won't know how, but I guarantee, you're going to say 'ow.' How's that for a rap on the head? Welcome to my world of pain, Abarai."

"Enough!" Yamamoto's voice pierced the air like Byakuya's zanpakutou. "Kuchiki, stop intimidating the help! And fo shizzle's sake, bone up on modern real worlder culture. It is said the wise man knows the ways of the young. Word up, eh, Sasakibe?"

"True that, sir."

"Read the individual charges, homey."

Swallowing, the aide began, "The charges are as follows: Ikkaku Madarame – destruction of property, namely the koi ponds of one Captain Ukitake." Sasakibe whispered to the captain general, "An accident, I'm sure."

"Sasakibe," warned Yama-Jii. He looked at Ikkaku and asked, "How do you plead?"

"Well, sir, it's like this…"

"You know you're guilty. Shut up, dumb ass. Next."

"Yumichika Ayasegawa, aiding."

"How do you plead?"

Yumichika's bound hands fluttered to his brow. Like an old time movie starlet about to meet her doom at the hands of the dastardly villain, he cried out, "On my hands and knees, begging like an ugly person. Oh, the shame! Look what I'm turning into! This is unbearable! It's cruel and unusual punishment! Who knew the court system could be so unjust!"

"What are you babbling about?" asked Yama-Jii. "This isn't your punishment. This is only the hearing!"

Yumi tore his arms away from his face. His eyes grew wide. "Hearing? You haven't heard a word I've said, so don't tell me this is a hearing! Appearing in public like this isn't punishment enough? Why me?" He pointed an elbow at the others. "What did I do that was so much worse than any of them? Who don't you just kill me now?"

Pointing a long finger at him, Yama-Jii scowled, "Don't tempt me, boy. Next!"

"Izuru Kira, you are charged with abetting."

"How do you plead?"

Kira shrugged. "It was only one or two bets, and they were early on."

Shuuhei leaned past Renji, into the blonde's face. "Serves you right for cheating."

"I won that bet fair and square, you sore loser." He stuck out his tongue.

"I didn't lose anything!" Shuuhei hissed. "Just because I don't have the crown, doesn't mean it wasn't mine. I won! I'd have been a damned good Miss Warrior Queen!"

Renji looked at his tattooed friend. "You take pride in the weirdest things."

"Well, I beg to differ, Miss High and Mighty," said Kira, whipping his head around to get the hair out of his eyes. His well-trained hair hadn't stayed slicked back for long. By now, he looked a bit like a sheepdog as his bangs hung limply in his face. "The bet was for you to walk out with the crown, and you didn't. You left it on stage with your wig, so quit crying over spilt milk, Queenie."

"It's the spirit of the thing, Izuru. I won. Give me my money back."

"No, I already spent it."

"On what?"

"Hair gel."

Renji chimed in, "Should have spent it on extra socks."

"Will you forget about the socks already?"

"Enough!" yelled Yama-Jii. "Next!"

Sasakibe intoned, "Shuuhei Hisagi, you are charged with misappropriation of alcohol, a cask of sake to be specific."

Yamamoto slowly shook his head, sighing. Shuuhei shifted his weight from foot to foot. For some reason that the vice captain didn't understand, the old man had taken a liking to him and his role in this ridiculous quest. Right now, he felt as if he had let the man down, although he wasn't quite sure of the reason for that either. Shuuhei didn't enjoy feeling guilty about anything, but it was a feeling that he knew well, thanks to Tousen. He could only pray that the captain general had better things to do than have a man-chat about it.

"Tsk-tsk." The old man wagged a bony finger at him. "I must say, your cousin Shirley made quite an impression on the pageant officials, Lieutenant."

Shuuhei smiled, a bit relieved. "Quite a looker, sir, if I do say so myself."

Kira chased the image of his scantily clad friend out of his head. He always was a boob man.

"The Miss Warrior Queen Pageant officials demand reimbursement for the full cask of sake which, I am told, mysteriously ended up in the office of one Shuuhei Hisagi of the ninth division. Sasakibe and I personally investigated this morning and we find no merit to this allegation, although certain contraband reading materials were confiscated."

Renji elbowed Shuuhei, "Don't worry. I think Miss June is still on the news stands."

Yama-Jii continued, "Upon examination of Shuuhei Hisagi's personal space and office, no full cask of sake was found, only dust and white go-go boots that look like they've been used for target practice."

"I can't believe you went through my stuff," said Shuuhei. "That's an invasion of privacy."

"Of course, I did!" scoffed the old man. "I'm the captain general. At least, you weren't in the shower while I went through your stuff. "

"Yes, sir." Shuuhei flashed back to the first task they had completed. He still couldn't get the smell of Yama-Jii's dandruff shampoo out of his nose or the sound of the old man's caterwauling out of his ears. He shuddered involuntarily.

"You might consider an interior designer to help with that office. It looks like it was decorated by a blind man. That's a joke, Sasakibe."

"Oooo, pick me, pick me!" cried Yumi. He grabbed Ikkaku's sleeve. "At last, something to live for."

"You're not going to wipe your nose on me again, are you?"

The old man continued as Shuuhei felt the sweat drip down his back. "An empty cask fitting the description was found in Captain Shunsui Kyouraku's office. I was a personal witness to the liquid evidence being destroyed."

Isane whispered to Nanao. "Witness? How about an active participant?"

"However," Yama-Jii continued, "under the spirit of community harmony with the Rukongai, I have offered to have Lieutenant Hisagi reimburse the pageant officials, since they believe that he is somehow responsible. Theft and misappropriation charges will be dropped upon reimbursement of said cask of sake and the promise to never set foot inside their pageant venue again."

"I don't think that will be a problem," said Shuuhei, even though the thought of defending his title was running through the back of his mind. He shook his head to clear it. Ever since the pageant, he had felt strangely undressed around Kira.

"Upon perusal of the lieutenant's personal effects in that satchel in front of me, I have discovered a Seireitei Express charge card which I will use to make right this slight misunderstanding. Are you agreed to this, Vice Captain?"

"Seireitei Express card? Who would be stupid enough to give me credit? I don't have a…oh," he stopped abruptly as the light dawned in his head. He glanced in Shunsui's direction, but the scruffy haired man was yawning, totally bored with the proceedings. "Go ahead and use it, sir. I have absolutely no problem with you charging anything you want to that card. Can I post bail money there too, sir? For all five of us?"

Sasakibe added hopefully, "I'll post the bald ones bail, sir."

"Bail?" scoffed the old man. "A ridiculous thought. Bail is out of the question. Don't think for one moment that you are off the hook, Lieutenant Hisagi. However, I will take a double latte." He handed the card to a lower squad number and added, "Extra foam. Double the cup. Moving on to the next order of business."

Ukitake peered around the other captains and whispered hoarsely, "Shunsui, isn't that your Seireitei Express card?"

It took a moment for Shunsui Kyouraku to realize that the old man's latte was being purchased with the card that he had lent to Hisagi for his date. The bastard. Unsure, he began to pat his pockets. He would have to speak to the old man after the hearing adjourned.

"Abarai, sir," Byakuya Kuchiki prompted.

"Yes, yes, Kuchiki, I already told you that you could have him to punish as you see fit. Keep your pants on."

Komamura chuckled. Byakuya elbowed him in the side. "Down, boy!"

"Finally, all charges have been dropped against Izu Rukira. Rukira is to be considered MIA, missing in action, and he is to be accorded all rights and privileges of one who has gone down in battle. Sasakibe, notify the next of kin and dole out his pension. A brave man, that Rukira. You could all take a lesson from him."

"Didn't he desert?" asked Iba in the vice captain's gallery.

"I heard he got caught stealing from orphans in the Rukongai and was strung up by his toes," said Momo in a hushed voice from her seat on the floor.

"Don't be ridiculous. He died of battle wounds," said Isane. "A brave man, that Rukira."

"What battle?" scoffed Iba. "It's been so quiet around here, I'd kill for a battle."

"Well, he may have been a scoundrel or maybe a hero, but all I know for certain is that I'll miss him." Rangiku sobbed quietly. "He had that special touch with women."

Isane nodded her head. "I know what you mean."

"How odd," said Nemu, "I have never heard of this person before today. Father says it is very rude not to introduce yourself." She was wistful. "I would have liked to have seen his stringy toes."

"Quiet in the gallery," ordered Yama-Jii. "Gentlemen, do you have counsel?"

"No, sir," Shuuhei answered.

"Is there anyone idiotic enough to speak on behalf of these complete imbeciles? Do you have something to say, Captain Kyouraku?" asked Yamamoto, peering at the man.

Shunsui was still scrounging around in his pockets. "No, Sir. I was merely looking for something that I seem to have lost."

"Your moral decency, perhaps?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Shunsui," an exasperated Ukitake cried out, "say something on their behalf. You owe them that!"

"Yes, Captain Kyouraku. I would be most interested in what you have to say. I suggest you speak now."

Ikkaku turned to Shuuhei. "I told you he had our backs!"

Kyouraku rose slowly to his feet. "Captain General, I respectfully request that all charges against these men be dropped."

A few mirthful moments later, the captain general wiped the tears of laughter away from his eyes. "Are you insane?"

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**A/N: Drinky bird – A toy that is balanced on the side of a glass filled with water. It bobs up and down until finally it ducks down into the water as if taking a drink. Most drinky birds have bulbous rear ends and wear hats. Don't ask me why. Hats are so last century.**


	45. Unintended Consequences

**Enjoy this super long chapter. I forgot to mention that in chapter 41, Hitsugaya's reference to lumberjacks was a shout out to Dolphin Whisperer and her college mascot. Look for another shout out in this chapter involving her college colors. Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter. I don't think I got back to anyone. My apologies! **

**A quick vocabulary lesson, just because I want you to understand the joke, and I'm kind like that:**

_**Ennui (on-WEE) – boredom with life due to a lack of excitement or interest; weariness; languor**_

**I tried to make it evident in the text, but may not have succeeded. Pronunciation might have been a problem too. So, while I'm ****not**** trying to insult your intelligence, I'm also not going to assume that everyone can define and pronounce ennui. Now that you have been lulled into ennui yourself, let's get on with our story. **

**Don't own it; never will.

* * *

  
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"Piff and piddle! Drop all of the charges? Stuff and nonsense. Why should I?"

The outburst from the captain general surprised Shunsui Kyouraku. He had thought that the old man was merely looking for an excuse to drop the charges. Wasn't Hisagi one of his latest pets? Now, Shunsui was actually going to have to say something in defense of Hisagi and the others. He'd do it because Jushiro expected him to, and he didn't want to disappointment his old friend (since it didn't involve hard work.) Besides, it might help his soured relationship with Nanao, although he had no intention of helping her relationship with Hisagi in any way. No, that was one door that he was slamming shut.

Damn, why did his plans always start out so well and then rage out of control? This whole questing affair had become a serious bother. He wished he had never gotten involved, but since they had dragged him into it this far, perhaps he could still make it work to his advantage. The truth was he hated to be mean. It wasn't generally in his nature, but conniving, mischievous and self-interested were. Besides, he knew that it was in his …er, her best interest not to see the man any more. Maybe, just maybe, there was a way to salvage his original plan. Hisagi needed to dump Nanao so that she would come running back to him, but he had seen for himself that their date had gone too well. That awful song was _still_ running through his head!

An idea began to form. Why not let distance cool their ardor from a jail cell? He had to find a way to make it seem like he was helping the others, yet still keep Hisagi locked up, at least for a little while until Nanao forgot about him. And if that failed, there was always Plan B, which he hadn't come up with yet. Besides, he was still missing his charge card and he wanted to order something called a Ginsu knife that he had seen on his real worlder box for an incredibly low price. It might be useful in hand-to-hand battle. If he liked it well enough, he might ask the old man to spring for one for each of his squad members. Plus, get reimbursed for his own, of course.

"Are you listening to me, Shunsui Kyouraku? I am to just let them off the hook, like a shirt on a hanger? Like a fish who took the bait? I am an old man. Do you think I got to my position in life by doing catch and release? No, I keep my catches." Leaning forward, he stared at the five men in front of him. Yama-Jii's voice echoed in a low menacing rumble throughout the room, his reiatsu rising. "I eat my catches for breakfast."

As the pressure assailed them, Ikkaku grabbed onto Yumi, hoping his knees wouldn't buckle. "Let go of me. You're ugly."

Shuuhei grabbed Kira under the arm as best he could; the blond looked about ready to faint. Renji sat on the floor, gnawing on a fingernail, too worried about his new life as Byakuya's whipping boy to be very concerned at all. The captain's previous threats had begun to sink in. The cuticle he was biting started to bleed.

The old man pulled back, the intense pressure easing immediately. "The captain general has quite a sense of humor, eh, Sasakibe?" he laughed.

"Yes, sir," answered his aide. "Very amusing, sir."

Slapping the arm of his chair, Yama-Jii threw his head back. "What a good laugh. You should have seen your expressions, lieutenants," he glanced at Ikkaku and Yumichika, "and others. Very amusing indeed."

Kira shook off Shuuhei and crossed his legs. "I think I peed a little."

"What?" The brunette drilled his ear with his little finger, opening and closing his mouth like a fish to get his ears to pop from the pressure. If he had had a fishing line in his mouth, he would have looked like one of Yama-Jii's keepers.

Kira pranced in place, arms strategically crossed in front of him. "I gotta go."

As glistening beads of crimson gathered on his bleeding digit, Renji asked, "Does anyone have a Band-Aid?"

"What? You have a back ache?" Shuuhei peered at Renji, tilting his head awkwardly towards him, finger still in his ear.

Renji pushed him away. "A Band-Aid."

"How's that supposed to help me?" wailed Kira.

"It's for my finger, you blond banana."

Shuuhei puzzled. "What was that? You figured you were blinded by a bandana?"

"Here," Yumi offered Renji a sleeve. "Wipe it on Ikkaku."

Ikkaku shrugged, "Add it to the collection." He turned to Kira. "Don't even think about it."

Shuuhei cocked his head. "Wud you say? Ikkaku's infection doughnuts evil things a bowditz? What the hell are you people talking about? What's a bowditz?"

Kira whacked the brunette in the head with his elbow. The relieving POP in his ears brought back his hearing.

"Thanks. I needed that."

"I still have to pee."

"How's your back ache, Renji?"

"Huh?"

Yama-Jii paused briefly. "Shunsui, now that the court jesters have amused me, what merriment can you provide in your defense of these clowns?"

The good captain chuckled. Time for his golden tongue to get to work, freeing some, putting the screws to another. Swallowing his conscience, Shunsui cleared his throat, and began, "You cannot punish all of these men, Captain General. They are pawns! Pawns in a sinister plot to break the heart of my beloved vice captain, Nanao Ise."

In the balcony, Nanao looked shocked. "A plot by you!" she hissed.

Rangiku reached over and patted her hand.

Iba reached over to comfort her too, but quickly recoiled when both Nanao and Rangiku glared at him. "Sheesh, I was only trying to help. It's not like I was on the make or anything." His eyes darted between the two women. "Okay, I was on the make. Give a guy a break, huh?"

"No!" came the unison reply.

On the main floor, Shunsui continued, "I will show you that most of these men are innocent, Yama-Jii."

Ikkaku pumped his fists, straining against the invisible bonds that held his hands. "Woo-hoo! You tell him, Captain Kyouraku! We're gonna get some justice now! Captain K's on the job!"

"Ikkaku, settle down," said Yumi smugly. "I'm the one who should be happy, not you. I've come up with the most adorable theme for Hisagi's office. Are you ready? You're going to die, it's so adorable. Frogs! Frogs and lily pads all over the place, and there, in the center of it all, a picture of me when I transform from this ugly toad, back into my beautiful manly self."

Shuuhei raised his good eyebrow. "Do I have any say in this?"

"Don't be silly. Of course not."

Ikkaku pranced around in a leaping and hopping version of his luck-luck dance. He chanted, "Captain K! Captain K!"

Yama-Jii signaled silently for the guards. Even with his hands bound, they had a hard time keeping up with the round headed man.

"I'm so glad you're excited about the concept of frogs, Ikkaku," Yumi tsked, "but the interpretive dance is a little much, don't you think?"

Ignoring him, the hyperactive Shinigami yelled, "These charges are bogus, old man, and you know it!"

Desperate for damage control, Sasakibe patted Yama-Jii's shoulder. "He didn't mean that 'old man' crack, Captain General, I assure you. You're as young as you feel, isn't that right, Yama-Jii?" He smiled. "Shall I see if I can find some more caramel corn for you?"

Yama-Jii glared at him out of the corner of his eye as his lieutenant shrank back into the shadows. He motioned with his finger for Sasakibe to come forward again. "After the meeting, Chojirou. I don't feel like sharing my caramel corn today."

"When do you ever?" murmured the aide as he retreated back into the shadows.

Renji, sprawled on the floor, had been mulling over Kyouraku's words as he chewed on another finger. He tugged at Shuuhei's pant leg, "'Sagi, ask him what he meant by 'most of us' are innocent."

"Nice catch, Abarai." Shuuhei gave the top of Renji's head a double handed pat. "Good to know you're still in there." He eyed the captain. "So, what did you mean exactly, Captain Kyouraku?"

"And the ringleader speaks," announced Shunsui, waving an arm at the tattooed man. He sidled up to Shuuhei, getting in his face. "Did you think you'd get away with it, Vice Captain? Did you think I would let you date my precious Nanao, and then just cast her aside like a used dish rag, a soggy corn flake, a limp biscuit?"

Nanao slid down in her seat. She looked at Momo, sitting with her back against the railing panels. "Can I join you down there?"

Momo patted the floor.

Kyouraku surveyed Shuuhei quickly from head to toe. "Look at you! You're vile!"

A quick sniff of his armpits confirmed Hisagi's suspicions. "I've been worse," said the confused prisoner. "And I don't think that's coming from me. What are you going on about, Sir, 'cause you're not making any sense."

The captain pointed an accusing finger at the prisoner's face. "You took my simple desire to help my Nanao and turned it into a three ring circus."

"Do you mean the Oomaeda festival? Blame Kenpachi for that one. I was out cold."

He pushed at Shuuhei's chest. "Your band of hooligans destroyed Captain Ukitake's koi ponds!"

"That was Ikkaku. I couldn't help that." Shuuhei turned to Ukitake, "I'm really sorry, Captain, but there's no stopping Ikkaku when he goes berserk." He motioned to the man who was still hopping around in spite of the guards' best efforts.

"If he had better training, he would not go berserk, would he, Kenpachi?" muttered Yama-Jii.

"Dumb ass," said three voices in unison.

Yama-Jii and Kenpachi looked at each other in surprise, but the third voice, Byakuya Kuchiki, sat quietly examining his nails.

"It's all forgiven, Lieutenant," smile Ukitake. "Good Captain Kyouraku has promised to build me bigger and better koi ponds, so I'm actually making out quite well on the deal. I hold nothing against you and your friends."

Kyouraku shot the white haired man a look of warning as he pressed on. "And the pageant, Vice Captain. How do you explain your actions there?"

"Aren't you supposed to be defending me?" asked Shuuhei.

"Move along, Shunsui," said Yama-Jii. "The pageant matter has been disposed of and is no longer relevant."

Nose to nose with Shuuhei, Kyouraku spit out, "I'm certain that Captain Kuchiki has something to say about how you led your band of no-goods to crash a party at his estate." What he wouldn't give for a Ginsu knife right now.

Shuuhei wiped the spittle out of his face, glad that the prison outfit he was wearing had sleeves, so that he didn't have to use Ikkaku's.

"He's not talking about us, is he?" Ikkaku had been stopped by Kenpachi's reiatsu and was now held tightly between two guards. "He better _not_ be talking about us."

"Of course, he's talking about us," said an annoyed Yumi.

"A band of no-goods? Hey, you said we were do-gooders, not no-gooders!" huffed Ikkaku. "That's just ugly talk now."

Yumi reached past a guard to hit him, "Don't say that word unless you're willing to get me some accessories."

Byakuya stood at his seat. "Nonsense, Captain Kyouraku. I am, on the contrary, ready to forget the transgressions of the other perpetrators, since I'm getting what I wanted. I will be able to legally exact my revenge on the one man that I hold responsible for my humiliation."

Renji looked up and squeaked in a loud voice, "I can't help it if you look like that when you're undressed!"

An enraged Byakuya sputtered, sitting down hard, as the hall rang with laughter. Red-faced, he sat bolt upright, chin high, staring straight ahead with a stoic expression on his face, marred only by a slight puckering around his mouth.

"Shrivel," snickered SoiFon, pointing at him. His eyes shifted to his left, his mouth puckering more against his will. Someone would pay. He just had to decide who, Abarai or SoiFon. _What the hell,_ he thought, _they'll both pay. Abarai for the ants; the man-girl for mucking up his sphere of existence._

When the laughter died down, Yama-Jii asked, "Do you have anything else to say in defense of these men, Captain Kyouraku … or whatever it is you're doing to them?"

The captain cleared his throat. He backed away to pace the floor, before turning to say, "Hisagi, did you or did you not break into Yama-Jii's personal apartment and abscond with his beard strap?" Back in the nose to nose position, Kyouraku glared fiercely at the younger man. The muscles around his eye sockets twitched from the tension.

Shuuhei, wondering if the captain's eyesight had suddenly gone bad, stammered, "Well, yes, sir, I did, but ... could you back up, sir? You smell like yesterday's fish."

"I was pretty sure it was you, but still I wondered," said Yama-Jii cheerfully. "About my beard strap, not the fish smell. Everyone knows Captain Kyouraku smells like fish."

"Only part of the time," mouthed Nanao in the gallery. She had no idea why she felt she had to defend him.

"So it is you, Lieutenant Hisagi," continued Yama-Jii, "that I should thank, as well as little Hinamori. If my beard strap had not disappeared, I would not have discovered the wonderful world of scrunchies..."

Hinamori peeked out from her hiding place. Maybe it was safe to come out now, she thought.

"…Although I'm a bit puzzled by the tax on them. I do not have to pay a tax on beard straps, yet I must pay one on scrunchies."

Nope. She sank back down next to Nanao. The anxiety over deceiving the captain general was churning her stomach. Throwing up could not be far behind. She knew she had to confess. As she was about to speak, she heard the old man talking again.

"Lieutenant, you will help me discover who to pay my tax to, yes?"

She swallowed hard. It was time to come clean. Screwing up her courage, she nodded to Nanao, and rose partway to her knees. But when she opened her mouth, the voice she heard wasn't hers. "Yes, sir," she heard Hisagi say. "I'll try to track down the taxing body." Momo let out a sigh of relief and sank back down the partition. Tension draining from her body, she giggled up at Rangiku.

Yama-Jii said, "Thank you, Hisagi. That would be most appreciated. Ask little Hinamori. She might know." His voice rose to the balcony. "Has she returned yet, Lieutenant Matsumoto?"

Tugging at Rangiku's leg, Hinamori shook her head, pleading with her. _You owe me_, mouthed Rangiku. "No, Captain General," replied the blond. "She must be sick. We'll check on her."

"Thank you, Matsumoto. Sasakibe, make a note. Send a small floral get-well arrangement to little Hinamori's apartment. She's my favorite right now, you know."

"Whatever you say, sir," said Sasakibe.

Matsumoto glared at Momo. She whispered, "You're sharing those flowers."

"Have you anything else to say in defense of these men, Captain Kyouraku, because I must say, you are doing a lousy job."

"I totally agree," said Kira. "You're making it sound like Hisagi planned it all, but we were all in on it. I think we should all share the blame. Friends stick up for friends. Isn't that right, fellas?" He looked back and forth at his comrades.

"I didn't know about the ants," said Yumichika. "Disgusting creatures. Ugly, ugly, ugly. The only thing that could be worse than the humiliation of appearing like _this_ in front of all the people who admire my fashion sense is if I turned into an ant. That's why I like frogs. Frogs transform, especially magical frogs that have been cursed like me. I don't want to turn into an ant. Once an ant, always an ant. It's bad enough that I already look like Ikkaku."

"Not hardly," huffed Sasakibe under his breath.

"Kira's right," said Renji, pulling himself up off the floor. "Except for the ants, which I did on my own, we all chose to do this stuff. It wasn't just Shuuhei."

"Yeah," yelled Ikkaku, "And we only did that stuff 'cause Captain Kyouraku said we had to. He said she was dying! If we didn't do these tasks, there'd be flaming shish-Nanao all over the place!"

Nanao reddened, hiding her head in her knees.

Momo elbowed her, "I think you need the flowers more than I do."

Yama-Jii raised an eyebrow at the bald man. "And you believed him? Don't answer that. Is what they say true, Shunsui?"

Kyouraku looked for a corner to hide in. Finding none, he responded, "Well, as you know from our talks, Yama-Jii, technically it is, but they certainly did more than I ever expected them to."

Ukitake rolled his eyes. _Here we go again_, he thought, as his friend pushed on.

"I've said it before. I simply asked them to help an old lady across the street and what did they do? They put ants in Captain Kuchiki's underpants."

"Would you kindly stop mentioning it?" Kuchiki demanded.

"Shrivel-l-l," said SoiFon gleefully.

Shunsui paced, trying to dig himself out of the hole he had created, "I asked them to clean up their work area, but what did they do? They went ahead and destroyed koi ponds."

"And created a new koi pond in the fight arena. Unintended consequences, is that correct, Captain?" asked the old man.

"Exactly, unintended consequences. None of this was what I asked them to do."

"But you admit that you asked them to do something."

He rounded to face the old man. "Well, of course, sir. I asked them to perform tasks as a way to prepare for battle. Obviously, from the mess that they are in, they need intensive training such as I provided for them."

"Tasks taken from fortune cookies."

Shunsui wagged his finger. "We need to always be looking towards the future. What better way than with fortune cookies?"

"Hmph, I can think of a few," groused the old man. "Aren't you the one who said 'no one pays attention to fortune cookies'?"

"Perhaps we should have, Captain General." He scratched his beard. "Obviously, my instincts were right. If even you cannot find a ruling body to pay your scrunchies tax to, then what does that say about the way the court guard squads are run? We are too lax. These men needed discipline, and I provided that for them."

"Are you saying, then, that you are dissatisfied with the way things are run around here?"

"Of course not, you're doing a fine job…"

"Thank you for your vote of confidence," Yama-Jii said dryly.

"What I meant was that these Shinigami weren't looking for trouble, but trouble found them anyway. Lack of battle, or perhaps it was lack of anything meaningful to do."

"So what are you saying?"

"Ennui, Yama-Jii! Ennui is to blame." He flung his arms around Kira and Ikkaku's shoulders. "The Seireitei was overrun with it! It pervaded every part of Seireitei life. The only solution was to find ways to fight it, and they did. There were casualties, like your beard strap, but these men fought ennui, and they won."

Iba sat up urgently. "There was an invasion of the Seireitei and I missed it? Oh, man, no fair! I wanted to battle the ennui! What do they look like?"

Nanao looked up at the man and shook her head. "Ennui is 'tedium,' 'boredom,' 'a lack of interest.'"

"Hey, you may have a lack of interest, being a girl and all, but I wanted to fight the ennui. I've been bored out of my skull."

"Empty it as it is, I don't see how that's possible."

"Do you even carry a weapon?"

"Are you sure you want to find out?" She reached for her glasses.

He cowered behind the unconscious Yachiru, using her as a shield. Nanao rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to listening to her captain.

Kyouraku pushed his way between Kira and Ikkaku. He swept his hand, palm up, past the five men. "We were waiting for something to happen, so these fine gentlemen made something happen. It seemed like a little harmless fun. I'm sure Captain Kuchiki hasn't danced like that in years."

"I have never danced like that, nor do I ever intend to dance like that again."

"And look how clean the fight arena is now. We can all take pride in the beauty of the new koi pond. No longer will we have to practice in a stadium full of debris." His eyes drifted skyward as he sighed. "We will all care for it equally because it holds life. Precious koi…"

"…From my ponds." snorted Ukitake. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have to take your morning tea all the way down to the fight arena to enjoy it?" He folded his arms over his chest. "Which reminds me, when are you going to fix my ponds?"

"Yes, yes, Jushiro, old friend. Don't harsh my mellow." Shunsui waved him off.

"Take a slang lesson, Kuchiki," said Yama. The royal scowled. "Go on, Shunsui. This is starting to get interesting."

He tipped his hat back onto his shoulders. "There are other more important matters before us, like the fate of these men who made my beautification plans for the fight arena come to fruition."

"You planned it?" Yama-Jii was caught off-guard. Ukitake coughed loudly in the background.

"Of course. I wanted it to be a surprise for you, old master. It was all in the plan, wasn't it, boys?" Shunsui looked at the five with a twinkle in his eye. Blaming it all on Hisagi hadn't work, so he had to make a mid-air flip flop. Plan B! If he could convince Yama-Jii that it had all been part of his master plan, maybe he could get out of this mess unscathed. Oh, and they might get out unscathed too. But if he was going to help them, they would have to agree with his absurd impromptu declaration, before he had to come up with Plan C…or D…or…

Stunned, the men exchanged glances. Hisagi lowered his head; Renji was paying more attention to Byakuya than Shunsui; Ikkaku elbowed Yumichika, who responded by kicking him in the shin. And Kira, who chose that moment to emerge from behind his bangs, was left to answer like a deer in the headlights. "Uh, what was the question?" he asked.

"Never mind," scoffed Yama-Jii at Kira. "You used to have promise, but you've been hanging around nincompoops for too long." He looked intently at Shunsui. "Tell me more about your beautification plan, Captain."

"Well, you see, the plan was to clean the arena and add the pond at the bottom."

"What is a pond without a garden nearby?" asked the old man. "Does your plan include a garden for the fight arena as well?"

"Oh, well, yes, it does."

"And swing sets for children of the Rukongai to watch the adults practice their techniques? It's never too early to teach the children through role modeling."

"Of course."

"And a daycare to go along with that for Shinigami parents?"

"Naturally."

"And you will also be painting the stadium in bright colors? Say royal blue and orange?"

"I suppose…"

"And cushioning those hard stadium seats? I'm much bonier than I used to be, you know."

"I…I took that into account, Captain General. The plan includes all of those things."

"And you remembered the shovel?"

"Shovel, sir?"

"Yes, to shovel your crap because you're full of it, Shunsui." Yama-Jii slammed his palm down on the arm of his chair. "Everyone here knows that you are lying through your teeth. You're not trying to save these boys. You're lying to save your own hide. But since you have brought up this beautification plan, I rather like it, and I order you to complete the work on the stadium as soon as you have finished rebuilding the koi ponds and gardens of Captain Jushiro Ukitake. All this will be at your own expense and donated to a grateful Soul Society. We may even rename the fight arena in your honor. Court is in recess while I consider the fate of the Hisagi Five."

"All rise," yelled Sasakibe, as they waited for Yama-Jii to make his exit.

The old man tried to unfold his legs which had been tucked underneath him for the entire hearing. They wouldn't budge. "Oh, just leave already. Get out, go on, all of you, scoot!" An annoyed Yama-Jii shooed people out with his hands. "I'm quite comfortable, and I do not wish to leave my chair, so you'll all have to leave, while I sit and ponder. Go, mill about the hallway for awhile. Mill about. Mill about."

"What about us, sir?" asked Kira. "I still have to go to the bathroom."

"I trust you prisoners will not try to escape since you're still kidou bound?"

"No, sir, we won't." The five nodded in agreement.

Yumi added, "I'm too ugly to escape."

"Then go mill about the hallway with the rest of the sheep."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

"ABARAI!" came a voice from the hall.

"Can I stay here with you, sir? I have a really baaa-d feeling about this."


	46. Brazil La la la la la la la la

**Brazil La la la la la la la la (Thanks to Skyless Star for the title – brings back my band days of long ago. Yes, I was a band geek.) **

**I don't own Bleach, and I'm apologizing in advance for the content of this chapter. Warning: Language and double entendre (dirty stuff). **

**Next few chapters may be slower in coming, but you'll get 'em. :)  
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The captains had filed back into the room and were slowly taking their seats. SoiFon had elbowed her way past Byakuya Kuchiki on her way in. Unfortunately, her elbow only came to his hipbone, and she had caught him squarely in the left hip. Decorum almost forgotten, he refrained from chasing her down and pinning the wretched male/girl to the wall, ala fake Aizen. How he hated that woman and her long pigtails, and now he had a bruise to remind him of her! It burned him to no end that she was in possession of pictures that showed him in the buff. The only consolation he took was the thought that those pictures might make her more of a woman. The very idea of converting her sent an uncharacteristic shiver down his spine. But then again, he was good at shaping people the way he wanted. The only exception was Abarai, and the unmoldable wretch would pay.

At the same time, Komamura and Hitsugaya bantered back and forth, with Komamura referring to Toshiro as "Ant Boy," "Dwindle the Dwarf," and asking him if he was late for his shift at the shoemaker's house. Not one to take insults lightly, Hitsugaya had fired back with "Mutt Face," asked him what he had against the three little pigs, and then threatened to call Animal Control.

Kenpachi meanwhile was upset by the attention Retsu Unohana was giving Mayuri Kurotsuchi. He didn't even notice that Iba had been carrying the unconscious Yachiru around like a sack of potatoes. That was probably a good thing for Iba.

Once seated, it took another five minutes for the squabbling to end. The defendants were once again paraded into the room and stood before Yama-Jii. Except for Yumi, they were subdued. He, on the other hand, had resigned himself to his fate and had come to realize something very important. "Even without ornamentation, I'm still prettier than everyone in this room. This is minimalist style done well. You may look at me now." His pearly white teeth were blinding.

"The court will now come to order!" Sasakibe hollered from a far-off front corner, not his usual place for the call to order. A curious murmur ran through the room.

Yama-Jii batted an eye. "Sasakibe, what the hell are you doing over there? You can't call the court to order from the corner of the room. Come over here and do it."

"But, Captain General…" The man sighed as he walked to his customary spot behind Yama-Jii.

"That's better," said the old man. "Now, call the court to order."

Sasakibe hesitantly voiced in a stage whisper, "The court will come to order."

Yama-Jii shook his head in disgust, causing his eyebrows to swish back and forth in front of his nose. "Useless … totally useless. THE COURT WILL COME TO ORDER," he yelled. "That's how you call a court to order properly, Sasakibe."

"Yes, sir, the last time I called the court to order, you complained about your ears …"

"What about my ears? Are those hairs growing in my ears again?" The old man ran his fingers around his ears, feeling for the offending hairs. "Pesky things. Get the tweezers out tonight, Chojirou, and we'll have a plucking party."

Sasakibe sighed loudly as he began to mentally prepare himself for another evening in hell. "Oh, goodie."

Yama-Jii cleared his throat. "Now, before I render my judgment in the case of the Hisagi Five, is there any new business that needs discussion?"

"We have a name now?" Kira whispered to Renji. "How romantic! It makes us sound like desperados!"

"It sounds more like a hippie dance band."

Yumi giggled, "Kira's on keyboard, Renji's on vocals and lead guitar, Shuuhei's on bass, and in the spotlights, I'll play tambourine."

"Hey, man, what about me?" asked Ikkaku. "You know I got vocal range and my luck-luck dance is killer."

Renji leaned into Shuuhei. "Yeah, it makes people want to kill themselves so they don't have to watch it any more."

Yumi ignored their laughter. "I left the drums for you, Ikkaku. You can beat the hell out of them, while I shake my tambourine _and_ my booty."

"Sweet!"

"Why, thank you, Ikkaku. It's nice to be appreciated."

"Are you done?" Yama-Jii raised his left eyebrow.

"Yes, sir," said Yumi, "although we could use a few back-up singers."

"Ahem. Any _other_ new business?"

Captain Komamura rose from his chair. "Yes, Captain General, I have an announcement on behalf of a pack-mate…er, family member of mine who is in financial straits. A certain cousin is selling pure-bred kittens, should anyone like to obtain one. I have helped the family as much as I can, but they are proud and desire to earn money, rather than have it given to them. Thus, they are selling their pure-bred kittens for one hundred dollars each."

"Your cousin is selling her children? What kind of mother is she? That's horrible!" declared Hitsugaya, still angry from his earlier encounter with the hirsute captain.

"Apparently," Sajin sneered at Hitsugaya, "she's smarter than a tenth division pixie who thinks he's a captain. Her pet cat had kittens, and they are of a weanable age."

Toshiro tucked his arms across his chest and glowered. "Oh, go shed on your carpet! What's a canine doing with a cat for a pet anyway? Saving it for midnight snackies? 'Kittens and Bits,' yum yum."

"Kenny, Kenny! Can I have one, please?" hollered Yachiru from the balcony, fresh from her 'nap.' She danced along the railing in excitement. Iba held on desperately to Rangiku's scarf, which was still tied around the girl's waist. "I'll be good, Kenny. I promise! I won't use your sword to open cans of tuna any more. And I won't try to dye your hair pink when you're sleeping any more. And I won't eat candy for breakfast any more. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease? If I can't have Dagger Bangs as a pet, can I at least have a pussy?"

"Not much of a difference if ya ask me." Kenpachi curled his upper lip, still nursing a grudge from the wrestling tournament that he lost to Kira.

Kira's jaw dropped, but he decided not to argue if it meant Yachiru was over her crush on him. The little girl's attempts at a good-night smooch had not been pretty.

She tipped her head sweetly, hands clasped by her cheek, and with a wide smile, cajoled, "It would be a really nice thing to do. Please, Kenny? Can I have a kitten?"

"Got a hundred bucks, kid?"

Yachiru pouted, "But, Kenny, my money's with your bookie, remember? You said I should put all my money in the kitty and that you'd put the kitty with your bookie for safe keeping. Well, now I want the kitty." She resumed her 'Kenny,-can-I-have-a-kitten' stance. "Is your bookie in the library, Kenny? Can you go to the library and get my kitty out of the bookie, Kenny? Please? Please? Please? You promised! I hope the kitty isn't flat. Or dead. Did someone press my kitty in a bookie, Kenny? I don't want it if they did that. What good is a flat, dead kitty cat? If I can't have that kitty, then I want one of his kitties." She pointed to Komamura.

Komamura spoke up. "The family would certainly be appreciative, Captain Zaraki. Under the circumstances, I'm sure you could purchase a kitty for your little vice captain, before you have to make that trip to the … ahem … 'library' to see your 'bookie.'"

"See, Kenny? Please, please, please? I like Big Hairy Dog Face. He lets me pet him behind the ears and sometimes, if I hit just the right spot, he can't stop his leg from jumping. It's really funny."

"Er, yes, at times," coughed Komamura. Hitsugaya chortled.

"An' I wanna help his family. Please, Kenny?"

"Buy the kid a kitten, you cheap skate," scolded Ikkaku.

"Who asked you, Lollipop Head?" Kenpachi rubbed his neck in defeat. "All right already. Yer driving me crazy, kid. You can have a pussy cat, but you have to earn it."

The happy girl bounced from lap to lap in the balcony, as Iba desperately held tight to the pink sash. She sang out merrily, "I'm getting a little pussy! I'm getting a little pussy! You're the best, Kenny. You can play with my pussy any time you want."

A light pink blush surfaced on Kenpachi's cheeks. He growled. "Shut up, kid, or I'll change my mind."

"But I want a pussy! I want a pussy!" Yachiru's happy demeanor was rapidly turning into a stormy black cloud.

"You'll get one soon enough." Kenpachi glared at his young charge, "Now shut up!!"

"Yea!" With the storm clouds chased away, she smiled happily. "I just love to play with pussies! And I get to have one of my very own!"

Byakuya Kuchiki leaned back behind Unohana and gave SoiFon a bemused half-smile. "How nice that you have something in common with the little pest, Captain SoiFon."

"Give your mind an industrial strength cleaning, Kuchiki," snapped the woman. "It's filthy in there. Keep it clean, or I'll clean it for you."

"I'd like to see you try," scoffed the noble.

"I knew you couldn't resist me." She smiled evilly.

"It's like resisting a bad infection full of pus."

"Shrivel-l."

Yamamoto rapped on the arm of his chair. "Next order of business! Captain Hitsugaya, the cafeteria staff would like to request that you stop filling the kitchen with ice cubes."

"Then they need to stop sending me hell butterflies in the middle of the night saying that they're out of ice cubes, or else fix that damned ice machine."

"It was fixed months ago."

"Then why am I still getting emergency hell butterflies from them?" Pausing, Hitsugaya looked around suspiciously, going from Komamura to Rangiku in the upper tier. His eyes shifted around the balcony at the conspicuous absence. He muttered under his breath, "Bedwetter!"

"Not any more!" Mayuri Kurotsuchi clapped a hand over his mouth.

"I only sent one," protested Momo, popping up from the floor of the balcony.

"Ah, little Hinamori. There you are!" said Yama-Jii, clapping his hands together in delight.

"Then where did the other hundred come from?" asked a puzzled Hitsugaya.

His eyes fell to Mayuri, who still had his hand over his mouth. The captain of the twelfth held his tongue, now that his secret life as a hell butterfly prankster was about to be revealed.

"You sent me those messages?"

Mayuri started, "I can explain. I get a little bored between test subjects."

Kenpachi gave Mayuri an evil glare. "That explains them damn ballet lessons I was ordered to take."

"No, no, Captain Kenpachi, that order came from me," said Yama-Jii. "Quite amusing to watch, if I do say so myself, although your développé derrière is quite passable." 1

"It ain't what you think, you bunch of perverts!" Kenpachi settled back in his chair, daring anyone to make a joke about his derriere.

"Then Bedwetter didn't…" stammered Hitsugaya.

A pleasant voice called out from the balcony, "Yes, he did, Captain Hitsugaya. Just last night in his sleep, but it's okay. We call it 'mattress moisture.' It happens to everyone now and again, isn't that right, Father?"

Hitsugaya asked sarcastically. "Odd. I didn't know you had time to sleep, Mayuri. Doesn't it interfere with your hell butterflying?"

"Nemu!" snapped Mayuri. "This is not something to discuss in polite company," he chuckled nervously, "even if I did know what you are babbling incoherently about, you silly girl. Now, shut up!"

"Yes, Father. Polite company only. Thank you for teaching me." Nemu took a look at the people sitting around her. "So, anyway," she continued, "I did some research. It's called urinary incontinence, but he only has it some of the time."

"NEMU!"

"But Father, you said polite company and I see no one up here who would qualify."

"NEMU, I AM ORDERING YOU TO BE QUIET!"

"Can you tell that he's wearing an adult diaper right now? Do you have urinary incontinence, Marechiyo Oomaeda? I don't think they make adult diapers in your size. You could try plastic sheets. They work wonders."

"NEMU! If you don't shut up, I myself will give you that Brazilian that you want so desperately, just so that I can have the pleasure of pulling out your hair in the most painful manner possible!"

"Oh, Father!" A wide grin spread over her face as she reached over Oomaeda and grabbed Rangiku's hand. "You would let me experience a Brazilian? Oh, thank you, Father!"

Even the captain general was speechless at this point. Gathering his senses, he said quietly, "On that note, I shall render my judgment."

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**A/N**

1.) développé derrière: A ballet term where the working leg is drawn up to the knee of the supporting leg and slowly extended to an open position in the air and held there with perfect control. In this case, the leg is extended to the rear or behind the dancer.


	47. Trail of Betrayal

**Author's Note: Thanks to all who have reviewed, commented and favorited. The writing is a little slow going right now. I appreciate your patience and loyalty. Again, my apologies if I haven't responded to you personally. I'll try to do better! But you have to understand - Tite Kubo wanted me to move to Japan and write a story with him, but I said no because I don't want to let you guys down. When I told him no, he reminded me that I don't own Bleach and will never profit from it. Or was that the dream I had last night?**

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"Before I pronounce judgment," Yama-Jii fixed his eyes directly on the five men standing before him, "I desire to know a few things." Five heads bobbed in unison. "Therefore, I have questions that I am going to ask, for if I do not ask them, then I am a foolish old man who knows nothing and is prone to ill-informed decision making." The heads bobbed again. "Stop that infernal bobbing. Sasakibe, tell them that I don't like 'yes men.'"

"Yes, Captain General." Sasakibe nodded absently.

"Fools!" Yama-Jii swiveled abruptly, his eyes boring a hole through the man who had his attention. "Explain to me, Captain Shunsui Kyouraku, why these men needed to go on a quest."

Mildly surprised, but immune to hole boring since it was one of Nanao's favorite ways to announce her displeasure with him, Shunsui tapped his chin and answered with his usual nonchalance, "Well, you see, Capt…"

"Yes, yes, I know," said Yama-Jii impatiently, "their ennui … enwoo … inwon …whatever!... was great, and their training lacking. I know all of your lame excuses, but what I do not know is the truth."

"Really, Yama-Jii," smiled Shunsui, "you're giving this too much importance."

"Am I? Perhaps that is because you are not," said the old man, stroking his beard. It was hard to stroke a beard with scrunchies in it, so he concentrated on the lower section since he had given the bottom scrunchie to Yumichika. The stroking caused more static which caused the hair to cling to his hand. He eyed his former brown scrunchie in its position around an artistically twisted top knot of Yumi's dark hair. For a second, he thought about asking the fey Shinigami to give it back, but quickly came to his senses. The strange man had been relatively quiet for awhile. Why disturb him for a little static? At least, he wasn't crying any more. The idiot's red blotchy face had definitely not been pretty to look at. So he stroked some more and the hair clung to his hand even more. "I understand the need for vacation time away from one's second in command. Sasakibe and I are due for a break soon, are we not, Sasakibe?"

"Overdue, sir. By fifty years."

"Yes, yes," Yama-Jii nodded, "as soon as this matter is resolved, you and a friend can take a nice long vacation to the real world."

Sasakibe leered at Ikkaku. The bald man choked, "I'm gonna hurl."

Kira patted him kindly on the arm with his bound hands, "You really should see someone about your delicate stomach."

"So, I ask you, Captain Kyouraku," continued Old Man Yama, "why a quest? Why not a long vacation?"

Shunsui shot a glance to the balcony and shrugged his shoulders. "I've asked her. She refuses to go on a vacation with me. I've suggested a nice tropical island, with alcohol served in coconuts with tiny umbrellas, and even tinier bikinis, but no." He leaned in towards Yama-Jii, whispering behind his hand. "She won't even try one on for me."

Renji elbowed Shuuhei. "Bet she'd try one on for you if you tried one on first," he snickered.

"I'll take you up on that bet!" said Kira.

Shuuhei glared at the two. "I wish I had my kidou right now. I'd fry both of your asses."

Kira smirked. "You might fry mine, but you'd cause more pain to Renji if he fired his kidou at you."

"You're right," laughed Shuuhei. "Renji's kidou is more likely to fry his own ass."

"It would not!" protested the red head. "I'm better than I used to be."

"He tried to heat water in a teacup, and it exploded," Kira confided.

"The cup was faulty!"

"Yeah?" Shuuhei raised his good eyebrow. "What about that reiatsu power failure last year?"

"It was only a little power failure," Renji pouted.

"It threatened to dissolve half the Seireitei!"

"So I was a little bit off target. Big deal."

As Renji and Shuuhei made faces at each other, Yamamoto rapped the arm of the chair with his knuckles. "Gentlemen! And I use the term loosely. I must insist that you homeboys chillax! Sasakibe, make a note. Send the word 'chillax' to Kuchiki's office in a memo, then see if you can find that fellow from Squad 4 that we sent into the prison catacomb system last year. If you can, then free him. Apparently," Yama sighed heavily, "he really was innocent." He turned his attention back to the pink robed captain before him. "Shunsui, Nanao Ise is a smart girl, but you're a dumb ass. I did not mean vacationing together. I meant separate vacations, so that you can get away from each other."

With a smile, Shunsui shrugged again. "But Nanao is as valuable to me," he glanced at the man behind Yama-Jii's chair, "as Lieutenant Sasakibe is to you. I cannot bear to have her out of my sight longer than a day or two."

In the balcony, Nanao scoffed to Rangiku, "That's because the paperwork builds up too fast, and he doesn't know how to make a decent cup of coffee." The blond nodded politely, a small smile creeping onto the corners of her mouth. When it came to paperwork, she and Nanao were at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Kyouraku scratched his chin. "I figured long-term dating would be an acceptable short-term alternative, but after one slightly disastrous try many years ago, she wouldn't date me again. So I decided that her standards were obviously too low, and I set out to find someone less desirable than me for her to date." His eyes swept over the five men standing before the assembly.

"It must have been a difficult search to find someone less desirable than you," said Yama-Jii with a straight face. "But why a quest, Shunsui? Nanao is a lovely woman. Surely there are men lined up around the Seireitei who would want to ask her out on a date."

A mild murmur, laced with low laughter swept through the hall. Her face reddening, Nanao sat quietly in the balcony, her eyes darting around to the sources of the sounds. Rangiku poked a smirking Iba in the ribs to shut him up. When Oomaeda snorted, Nanao pulled her glasses down on her nose, her eyes meeting his. Trembling, he grabbed Nemu for protection, hiding his face in her bosom. She looked at him curiously. "Is this what is called 'second base'?"

Down on the floor, Shunsui cleared his throat. "You see, Yama-Jii, Nanao tends to scare away ordinary suitors. I'd say she's a …"

"Dragon lady!" yelled Yachiru from above. "Kenny said Dragon Lady was going to eat Number Face alive." Hisagi choked, not daring to look around. If he had, he might have seen Nanao reaching to strangle Yachiru.

"Ya gotta admit, Hisagi," Kenpachi shrugged, "yer a pansy. Tousen ruined ya with all that 'Ooo, I'm afraid of my zanpakutou' crap."

Shuuhei's only thought was to get his hands free and put Kazeshini to good use. A Kenpachi head candy jar would sit nicely on his desk. How Yachiru loved her candy! An odd thought crossed his mind. If he went to jail, he might have to miss Candy Tuesday.

"Well, I wasn't going to call her a Dragon Lady," said Shunsui, "but it fits." He turned to the balcony and threw kisses at Nanao. "You know I love you, my dear little Nanao. Nothing personal. Don't be offended. You know it's true."

Nanao smiled weakly and waved back. _Enjoy yourself while you can, dear captain. Your time is almost up_, she thought.

"Dragon ladies and pansies, dragon ladies and pansies," sang Yachiru, bouncing from Iba's lap onto Oomaeda's belly and back again.

"Yachiru, let's play a game," said Isane, glancing at Nanao, as she tried to calm down the hyper pink-haired girl.

"Can we play a different game?" asked Yachiru, rubbing her head. "'Bumpity Bump the Ceiling' gave me a headache."

"Let's play 'Where's Yachiru,'" said Isane. "Take this end of Rangiku's scarf and stuff it in your mouth, then we spin you around and wrap you up, so you can't move. Then we'll hide you and come looking for you." Isane began to wrap the girl tightly from head to toe. "Can you move, Yachiru?"

"Mmph mmph."

"Can you see?"

"Mmph mmph."

Isane grabbed Iba's sleeve. "Quick! Stuff her under the seat."

"What if Kenpachi asks where she is?" he asked while doing as he was told.

"We'll just tell him we're playing hide and seek, and we can't find her. He'll be so pleased that she's beating us, he'll overlook the fact that we tied her up."

Nanao smiled gratefully.

Down on the main floor, Shunsui began his final assault. "Captain General, you know as well as I do that men are motivated by different things. Hisagi and his friends are warriors. Had I asked one of them to take my precious Nanao out on a date, they might have refused. I had to appeal to their honor and sense of adventure. It was the only way."

"You could have begged." Renji poked Kira.

"Or bribed us," said Ikkaku. "We'd have sacrificed Hisagi for a bribe."

"Then why'd you do it for free?" Shuuhei snorted. He was a patient man, but even he had his limits. He could feel the blood rising in his face as he eyed Kyouraku. "I might have gone out with her if you had just explained the situation, sir."

"I did, lieutenant."

"I mean the real situation with you getting tired of having her around every twenty years, sir, not the flaming vice captain situation." He looked at the captain general. "If I may speak freely, Captain General?"

"By all means," said Yama-Jii, rubbing his hands together. "This should be good, eh, Sasakibe."

"Yes, sir."

"Captain Kyouraku, sir, I've been feeling kind of used and disrespected, and the last time someone disrespected me like this, a giant hole opened in the sky and I was left holding a pair of sun glasses, you know what I mean? And I trusted him."

"Certainly, Hisagi, I understand completely, but are you saying you don't trust me?"

"Well, sir…"

"I entrust you with the most precious thing in the world to me and you don't trust me? I'm hurt, dear boy. You know I'll take care of you, Hisagi. Trust me, this will all work out for the best."

"Sure, if sending me and my friends to jail is for the best."

"I find it peculiar that you choose to hang onto your bad feelings towards me. I harbor no such feelings towards you. And look! You've had a lovely date. You've gotten to know Nanao and you two make a lovely couple. To show you how magnanimous I am, even though jail house romances never last, you have my blessings anyway." Shunsui tipped his hat to the brunette.

The brunette rolled his eyes. "Gee, isn't that swell of you."

"They will make lovely babies," chimed in Yama-Jii. "Oh, yes," agreed the water glasses in Yama-Jii's high voice. "Little juice tumblers all around."

Shuuhei took a quick look over his shoulder at Nanao as a mass snicker filled the hall. Refusing to meet his eyes, she instead focused her fury at her captain. Suddenly uncomfortable, Shunsui wiped the sweat from his brow.

Clearing his throat, Shuuhei glanced over his shoulder again. "Don't get me wrong, sir. I like Nanao … a lot. Really a lot. Thing is, I don't like being manipulated."

Patting him on the back, Shunsui smiled. "I do not blame you. If I see anyone trying to manipulate you, I will be the first to put an end to it." He gave Nanao two thumbs up.

Shuuhei cocked his head and sighed, "Oh, brother. I give up."

"That's a good lad," smiled Shunsui with another pat of the back. "Have I answered your question, Yama-Jii?"

"I asked a question?"

"Yes, sir," said Sasakibe. "Some time ago."

"Why did you not wake me up, Sasakibe? It's your job to keep the captain general awake during these boring meetings."

"You were awake, sir."

"Keep up the good work, Sasakibe. Have you anything else to say, Captain Kyouraku?"

Shunsui winked conspiratorially at the five men. "If I may, Captain General, these men quested hard. Surely, you cannot punish them for questing with gusto, cutting the mustard as it were."

"No, but I can punish them for destroying with relish, aiding with abetting and all of the other charges against them. You may sit, Shunsui. You've done quite enough damage … control."

"Thank you, Captain General. I believe I'll take you up on that offer. My feet are beginning to hurt."

"Toughen up, Shunsui. You have koi ponds to build."

The captain chuckled as he returned to his chair. "You always did have a good sense of humor, Yama-Jii."

"In the matter of the court versus Hisagi, Abarai, Kira, Madarame and Ayasegawa, the court finds that they are indeed guilty and must face punishment. The court, having heard sufficient evidence to the fact that these men were working under direct orders of a court squad captain, namely Shunsui Kyouraku, extend mercy and shortened sentences. The convictions will be erased from the records upon successful completion of all punitive measures."

"Score!" Ikkaku's attempt at high five-ing Yumichika failed horribly.

"Shuuhei Hisagi, Izuru Kira, Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa, your punishment is as follows. You will spend a week in confinement, during which time hard labor will be implemented. Labor to be decided at the captain general's whim once the confinement has commenced."

"Your whim?" Shuuhei shook his head. He was tired of being manipulated.

"My whim. Problem with that, Lieutenant?"

"No, sir. Why should you be any different?" he sighed, turning his head. Captain Kyouraku was sitting just outside his field of vision.

"You getting smart with me, boy?" growled the old man.

"No, sir. Whim away."

"Hmph! Renji Abarai, you also will spend a week in confinement at the mercy of your captain. You are getting off easy, gentlemen, except for you, Abarai."

"I am so dead."

"Yes, sir."

"Thank you, sir."

"Shove it up your …"

"Ikkaku!"

"Sir, if I may ask a question?" asked Shuuhei.

"You may ask. But it may not please me to answer. I'm taken to having whims, you know."

"Yes, sir. Sorry about the whim remark, Captain General."

"Ask your question, Lieutenant."

"It's about my paperwork, sir. I'm a bit behind because of all of this quest business. Would it be possible to have my paperwork delivered to the jail so I can work on it?" He didn't like doing paperwork, but at least, he could try to atone for his misdeeds by showing a willingness to keep up with his squad work even from his jail cell.

Shunsui Kyouraku sat and watched the scene, grimacing. Nanao had ignored his previous thumbs up. Getting back into her good graces was paramount. A rather dim light bulb disguised as a brilliant idea flickered in the captain's head. Had he given it more thought, he might have realized the fallacy of his grand idea, but he rose from his chair and said, "I think I have a solution to the paperwork dilemma, Captain General. I will volunteer the Eighth division for paperwork detail. I'm sure the officers of the eighth," he looked at Nanao and winked, "will be more than capable of handling a little extra paperwork." That the paperwork would inevitably fall on Nanao hadn't yet occurred to him.

It had occurred to her, however.

And to Shuuhei who had been burnt by Kyouraku's 'helpfulness' before. "Don't do me any favors, sir," said Shuuhei. "They've gotten me in enough trouble already."

Yama-Jii held up his hand. "It is so ordered that the officers, and only the officers, of the eighth division will complete the paperwork from the ninth division, and also for the third."

"The third?" asked Shunsui.

"Of course, we have two acting vice captains who are behind on their paperwork thanks to the shenanigans. Hisagi and Kira. It's expedient that the officers of the eighth do both sets as well as their own, do you not agree, most benevolent captain? "

"Well, of course, sir," agreed Shunsui. What the heck, he thought. Nanao would be doing it anyway and how that girl loved her paperwork. She won't mind a bit. "If it gets to be too much, Nanao, remember to delegate. Get a few of the other squad members to help you out."

The captain general scrutinized the captain. It was time to start twisting the screws a bit. "I'm afraid it will fall to just the two of you. The rest of the eighth division will be in training under direct supervision of the third seat while the captain and vice captain are busy with koi ponds and paperwork and such. Is that understood?"

"But …" No one else to help her? Shunsui gave a low whistle. That was a lot of paperwork.

"You yourself said our Shinigami need training, Shunsui. What better place to start than with your squad?" As Shunsui sank into his chair, Yama-Jii flashed a smile under his mustache and moved quickly onto the next point of business. "I believe we are almost finished here. Is there any other business, Sasakibe?"

"Yes, sir. I believe there is the matter of the Oomaeda family festival."

"Yes, indeed. The Oomaeda family has graciously agreed to host another festival." In the balcony, Oomaeda puffed out his chest and looked around, quite pleased with the mention of the festival.

"Do not hurt yourself, Marechiyo Oomaeda," said a concerned Nemu. "You cannot show me third base if you are injured."

Marechiyo choked on his tongue.

While the big man coughed violently in the balcony, Kira nervously asked, "A wrestling tournament, sir?"

"No, lieutenant. The nominal title of Oomaeda Family Wrestling Champion is all yours. It means nothing. The wrestling tournament will not be repeated. The family believes that the old festival has gotten stale and it is time to move on."

"I'll bet they wouldn't say that if Marechiyo had won." Kira wrinkled up his nose.

"I'll take that bet," said Yumichika.

"There will be no bet taking! Sasakibe, stamp your foot for emphasis!"

"Yes, sir."

Satisfied with the loud thump from his aide on the floorboards, Yama-Jii nodded. "A new tournament has been established with games for the benefit of children. All vice captains and captains are expected to participate in some manner, is that clear?"

"Be sure to wear your diaper, Mayuri," sneered Kenpachi.

"So I leak a bit!" Mayuri looked around uncomfortably. "It's a little problem that came up with my modifications."

"Like I care," said Kenpachi, "and even if I did, anything that came up on me wouldn't exactly be little. Right, Retsu?"

"Well, since you asked," said Retsu Unohana, "in my capacity as healer I am familiar with both of you. I will merely say that shoe size isn't always a good indicator of proportions."

"Ha!" said Mayuri, looking at Kenpachi's feet. "She must be talking about you."

"I'll pit my shoe size against your shoe size any time, you leaky old sack of..."

"And you call yourself a good role model," Mayuri spit out.

"I should take Daddy lessons from you, Mr. Rio De Janeiro? Sent your kid to Brazil recently?"

Yama-Jii rapped his knuckles on the arm of his chair. "Enough, gentlemen. Neither one of you should be raising … or building … children. The winner will lay claim to the title of 'Oomaeda Family Grand Champion' through a series of contests that test brain, brawn and teamwork. The festival will take place within the next two weeks. You will receive information by Hell Butterfly. Mayuri Kurotsuchi, I'm appointing you Information Director, since I know how much you like to send out Hell Butterflies. If that is all the business at hand, then take the prisoners away."

"Someplace pretty, please."

As the five were being led out of the courtroom, a voice from the balcony called out, "Captain General, sir!"

Yama-Jii looked up to see who was calling to him, "Ah, yes, Miss Ise. I almost forgot. Your transfer request has been granted. Effective immediately, Nanao Ise will assume the position of second seat of the thirteenth division under the direction of Captain Jushiro Ukitake."

"WHAT?" yelled Shunsui.

"The matter is closed, Captain."

Shunsui rounded on his old friend. "Jushiro, did you know about this?"

"Yes, Shunsui. I assumed you did too," smiled Ukitake pleasantly. "Your signature was on the transfer papers. I thought you knew."

Shunsui cried out, "I never signed those transfer papers!"

With a snap of his fingers, Yama-Jii ordered, "Sasakibe, show the captain the papers."

Sasakibe dug through his folder, coming up with the transfer. Walking over to Kyouraku, he handed it to him, pointing to the signature at the bottom. All eyes were on Kyouraku. Even the men being escorted from the room had paused.

"Well?" asked Yama-Jii. "Do you agree that is your hand-writing?"

"It—it certainly looks like my handwriting, but I have never seen this paper before."

"It was in the stack that you signed this morning, Captain," said Nanao.

"Oh." He couldn't dispute it because he didn't remember it. And he had signed a large stack of papers this morning. Nanao had watched carefully as he placed his signature on the request. She was grateful that he rarely read what he was signing, but just in case, she had practiced his signature on a sheet of paper. She made a mental note to herself to burn it before she moved to the thirteenth.

His eyes pled with her. "Nanao, how can you do this to me?"

She stared back. "I haven't done anything to you. On the contrary, I'll be helping your best friend train his third seats, so that one day one or both of them can become vice captains in their own right. Maybe even for you!" She over exaggerated a smile at him. "Surely, you heard us talk about that today, sir. During your checkers game?"

Shunsui collapsed into his chair in disbelief. He had gotten what he wanted, but he had lost Nanao. It suddenly occurred to him that he had an awful lot of paperwork to do, and all of it, without Nanao.

With a sense of satisfaction, Yama-Jii said, "If there is no further business, this meeting is adjourned! Sasakibe, I thought I told you to have those prisoners taken away. And what happened to my gavel? I just used it a minute ago to rap on the arm of my chair."

Ikkaku snickered as he was shoved out the door by the guards, "Maybe he should ask the water glasses."

As the rest of the soul reapers filed slowly out of the room, Yama-Jii began to unfold his legs from beneath him. "Sasakibe, I seem to be having a bit of trouble. My legs are asleep. Sasakibe? Sasakibe! Where are you?"

A stooped-over figure who looked remarkably like the captain general's second hid among the exiting Shinigami, smiling gleefully to himself at his escape.

Yama-Jii sighed as he massaged his sleeping limbs. "Perhaps he went to get caramel corn."


	48. They're All Mad

**Author's Notes: I'm not crazy about this one, but here it is. It wraps up the trial. More Yama plotting in the next few chapters as we get rolling with Shunsui's ... um ... I don't want to give away any spoilers. Bleach is non-mine. DW, thanks again! And thanks to all who reviewed, added me and this story as favorites, added other stories of mine as favorites, etc. Given my crazy life, I don't always get back to you personally, but I appreciate every post that you send! Your responses make this nutty story worth it to me, dear friends. Thanks!!  
**

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Shunsui Kyouraku stormed into the meeting room where Yama-Jii waited patiently for Sasakibe to return and help him unfold his legs from the lotus position. He had sat that way for the entire meeting and his legs had fallen fast asleep. They seemed immovable without a lot of pins and needles and pain. The glimmer of hope that registered in his eyes as Shunsui entered the empty hall soon died as he saw the anger in the other man's face.

"We need to talk, Old Man." The tone was harsh and unforgiving.

"About the trial? It was a lovely little trial, wasn't it? Everyone got what they deserved, do you not agree?"

Hands on his hips, Shunsui stood his ground in front of the old man. "Got what they deserved? No, I do not agree! And that's what we need to talk about."

The old master sized up his pupil. After a short pause, he said, "I do not see why that would be necessary, Shunsui."

"You don't see why?!" Sputtering, Shunsui waved his arms wildly, sending his hat sailing into the air, Like a boomerang, it reached the apex and descended along a close trajectory to the floor. It missed Shunsui by a hair and crashed onto its pliable rim. The rattan head dress bent, then bounced into the air, once again landing on its edge, only to circle lower and lower until it rested upside down, rocking only slightly from side to side. "You don't see why, old man? You transferred Nanao to Jushiro's squad! Without my permission!" He kicked the hat and sent it sailing again. This time, it came to rest behind some chairs, where it was promptly forgotten.

Yama-Jii's whiskers twitched a little. "No, no, all of the paperwork was in order. I'm sure of it." He yawned widely, then smacked his lips. "And since when does the Captain General need your permission to do anything, Captain Shunsui Kyouraku?"

Shunsui paused. He knew that casual tone was not as innocuous as it seemed. Coming from the old man, it signaled danger, and Shunsui knew enough to pull back and remember his place. "But, Yama, how am I supposed to run my squad without her?"

"How indeed? I am most certain that you will find a way. As I have ordered, your third seat will have your squad for training this week." Cocking his head, he eyed the dark haired man. "Or did you not hear me say that? Perhaps Sasakibe has damaged your hearing too." He spoke a little louder and slower. "That means you'll have plenty of time to yourself." Concentrating reiatsu into his hands, he began to massage his aching thighs, rubbing vigorously. The thigh muscles began to glow a soft blue, then slowly faded out in spite of his rubbing. Still asleep. Still stuck in the chair. "Where is Sasakibe? That man is never around when I need him and always around when I do not."

Ignoring the outburst, Shunsui pleaded his case. "But the paperwork, Yama-Jii. How am I supposed to do all of that paperwork?"

The captain general looked up under a raised eyebrow. "I do not have a clue, but I will guess that it will be Shunsui Kyouraku in the eighth division office with a writing utensil. Am I close?" The old man chuckled. "Charm _and_ wit such as mine are a lethal combination. Do you not agree, Shunsui?"

"Charm and wit are useless without a good memory, Yama-Jii, since you might confuse the two and end up warm and sh-chitty."

Yama-Jii's head bobbed up and down as he stroked his beard over the scrunchies. "Hmm, a point to ponder, Shunsui, not a good point, but a point nonetheless."

Patience was not a virtue that Shunsui currently had. Good or bad, the point could be pondered later, after he had convinced the old man to give him back Nanao. "You're forgetting, Old Master, I have to build koi ponds this week. I was counting on Nanao to do the paperwork."

A smile slowly spread over Yama-Jii's face. He blinked several times and leaned forward in his chair, ignoring the porcupines in his aching legs. "So think again, Shunsui. You're the shrewd one; I'm sure you'll come up with something." He sat back, feeling quite satisfied with himself.

"Perhaps I can send the paperwork over to the thirteenth?" the captain asked hopefully.

"No! Did you or did you not volunteer the officers of the eighth? Therefore, since you are the only available officer of the eighth, the paperwork falls to you."

Shunsui Kyouraku was confused and confusion was not a state he was used to, nor did he particularly like it, but confused he was. He sighed heavily, as his tormented mind rushed through the events of the last day: the date between his precious Nanao and that hoodlum Hisagi, the well-deserved arrests, the trial with all the bickering and the annoying defending that he had to do, the unethical kidnapping of his beloved vice captain by the thirteenth division. It was all too much. He knew Nanao wouldn't have done this on her own. Someone else had to be behind it. Surely not Ukitake, but then, he had been irate about those damned koi ponds. No, Jushiro had looked genuinely surprised to learn that Shunsui knew nothing about her transfer request.

Was it Hisagi? What was this magical hold the tattooed man had over his vice captain? Perhaps Nanao was trying to protect her beloved captain from blackmail. Shunsui was sure he had destroyed the evidence long ago. Not even Jushiro knew about that! So how could Hisagi have known? But it was the only reasonable explanation for why she would want to go out with the tattooed man again. Shunsui had hand picked him because Hisagi was a rogue, just like him. The vice captain was a cad, a bounder, a roué, a womanizer like him, but a blackmailer? No, he realized. They were too much alike. Shunsui knew instinctively that this wasn't about that. Maybe he had underestimated Nanao and how much she would like the man. Hadn't he just said they were a lot alike? And if he had to admit the truth, Hisagi wasn't half bad. So if it wasn't Nanao, and it wasn't Jushiro or Hisagi who were responsible for her transfer and the current state of affairs, then who was? A more urgent thought poked and prodded its way into his brain. How was he going to get out of all of that paperwork?

"Ahem." A low voice interrupted his thoughts. "Should you be standing around weeping into your sleeve when you have so much work to do?"

"But Yama-Jii," he pleaded, "I need her."

The captain general snapped back, "You can't have her."

"I don't understand."

"You are unappreciative, Shunsui. Perhaps doing without her will convince you of her great value." The pink-robed man in front of him looked almost defeated. His shoulders slumped, his face was longer than usual, the arrogant air was missing. Just the way he should be. Yama-Jii was pleased.

"Convince me?" The hairy arms started waving again. "I know how valuable she is to me! Why do you think I want her back?"

Pausing to straighten a blue Scrunchie, Yamamoto said, "I might consider returning her to you."

"Then do it, old man!" Shunsui couldn't believe what he was hearing. Why was the old man playing with him? He wasn't a fool and was beginning to resent the run-around he seemed to be getting. Silently, he willed the captain general to get on with it. He'd do anything to get Nanao back.

"Hmph! However, you must pass a few tests."

"Tests?" Well, that was certainly a twist, he thought. He really wasn't good at test taking, especially essay tests. Maybe he could do something else to get her back.

"Yes, tests of your loyalty to your vice captain." Eyebrows twitched as eyes as old as diamonds peered out at the younger man. "Call it a quest if you will, Shunsui."

The captain's knees shook. A quest? Like he had just sent Hisagi on? The gears churned in his head. Well, he certainly wouldn't make the same mistake that they made. He would keep it simple and do the least amount needed to prove himself. At least, it wasn't an essay test.

"What are my tasks, dear master?" He asked, assuming his usual unflappable grace.

"Simple, Shunsui . You will do everything that you have promised. Rebuild koi ponds and gardens, reconstruct the fight arena into the Yamamoto Peace Gardens and Fight Arena, complete all of the paperwork for the ninth and third divisions as well as your own, and compete in the Oomaeda Children's Festival. If you complete all of those tasks, I will consider returning Miss Ise to you."

"But that's an awful lot of …"

"And one more thing, Shunsui. You must win the grand title of the Oomaeda festival to get her back. If I feel charitable, I will send you help along the way, but do not step out of line, or Miss Ise will be reassigned for good. And Shunsui, no one is to know what you are doing in the festival."

"No one?"

"No one! You cannot solicit help, is that understood? I don't want them having pity on you and throwing the games. Although I don't think Kenpachi would, or Kuchiki … SoiFon, no, never mind her. Mayuri, definitely not. I do hope he controls his bladder out there. Remember, you cannot tell a soul. Is that understood, Shunsui?" The old man waited for a response, but got none. "Now help me out of this chair," he smiled. "Your old captain's legs have fallen asleep."

Shunsui turned on his heel and stormed towards the door. "Sorry, Old Man Yama. I've got paperwork to do!"

At that moment, the heavy doors swung open with a crash. "Yachiru? YACHIRU! Get your scrawny ass out here!" Kyouraku swept out of the room as Kenpachi swept in.

"Kenpachi? A little help?" The hope of escaping the chair flickered once again for the old man.

"Yeah, yeah. You seen Yachiru? Them jerks said she was playing hidey seek and they couldn't find her. YACHIRU!"

He pounded up the steps two at a time to the balcony. "Yachiru? You up here? Yer making me mad. Come out, come out, wherever you are. Oley Olsen oxen's free. Yachiru?"

After carelessly tossing a few chairs over the railing, he stumbled upon the still wrapped-up girl as she wriggled in her bindings.

"What the hell, Yachiru?" Picking her up off the floor, he pulled Rangiku's scarf out of her mouth. The little sprite was mad.

"They never even looked for me, Kenny! It's not fair. I waited and waited. But you found me instead, and I didn't even know you were playing hide an' seek. Why didn't they try to find me?" She complained vehemently as he carried her towards the steps.

"Look at it this way, kid. You won hidey seek, just like a good member of the eleventh would. They never found ya, so you're the winner."

"That Iba made a lot of farty smells on top of me. I'm mad! Kill 'em, Kenny!"

He pounded down the stairs with her in his arms, still wrapped up. "Yeah, yeah, kid. Right after I kill that prefabricated jerk of a scientist fer hanging around my woman. So calm yer ass down."

"But that's not the part of me that's mad!" she wailed. "An'…an,' they're mean! I know I'm supposed to share an' stuff, but I'm NEVER gonna let them play with my pussy! EVER! They'll be sorry! They're never gonna pet my pussy! I won't let 'em!"

"Good, that's good. You remember that," said Kenpachi with Yachiru in her scarf cocoon, bouncing in his arms as he strode across the long room towards the door.

"My pussy gonna love me, and I'm gonna love my pussy, and they're never gonna get to play with my pussy! So there!"

"That's good, kid."

"Only me and you can pet my pussy, okay, Kenny? You like pussies, don't you? You can play with my pussy any time you want, Kenny," said Yachiru, sniffing. "Will you play with my pussy with me?"

"Shut up, ya little pervert," he said as he stuffed the scarf back in her mouth, threw her over his shoulder and stormed out of the room as Yama-Jii watched helplessly from his chair.

"Kenpachi? Kenpachi? A little help, please? A little…oh, dear. I do hope Sasakibe comes back soon with my caramel corn and double cup, extra foam latte." The old fellow picked up the water glasses and clinked them together. "Looks like it's just you and me for awhile."


	49. Muffins and Green Beans

**Author's Note: This is a long one, folks. Keep your hands in the vehicle at all times and enjoy the ride! I still don't own Bleach. Thanks once again to all my readers and reviewers!!!

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**Since the end of the trial earlier that day, the five men had been locked up in the honor cells, a series of three small cells with thick adjoining walls in a cell block set off from the main area of the jail. It wasn't much of an honor to be there.

Dinner that night had been gray meatloaf, green beans, pasty mashed potatoes, gravy, and a roll with butter. Hisagi hadn't eaten much. Instead, he had chosen to sit on the floor of the jail cell, with his back to the wall, running his fingers back and forth across the bars. Yumichika sat on one of the bunks and played with his meal. He watched the sullen man, but didn't say anything, as he tried to ignore the raucous noises coming from the end cell where Ikkaku and Kira were being held.

Only a light sobbing could be heard from Renji's cell on the other side. He had been held by himself as per Yamamoto's orders, since he had yet to be handed over to Byakuya Kuchiki. He'd have preferred to get his death over with quickly, but it seemed Byakuya had other plans. The very thought of what the sadistic man had in store for him scared him to pieces. Tied down to an ant hill perhaps? Fitting, but not imaginative enough. Made to stand naked in the middle of the courtyard for a day? He wouldn't exactly mind that if it meant he would score some dates out of it and make Rukia jealous, plus it would put an end to the rumors about hair dye. Vivisection by Mayuri? Since Mayuri would be operating on him alive and probably without anesthesia, it would be painful, but still, it didn't seem to be his captain's style. Renji pegged Byakuya as a hands-on kind of torture guy. Whatever the sixth division captain had in mind for him, the red head was certain that he was not going to enjoy it. He would have to be on the alert for danger. His imagination was running wild, and his nose was running just as much.

"Renji, are you crying?" Shuuhei put his head against the bars, listening for an answer.

"N-no, dude (sniff). Why the hell'd you think that?" The sound was muffled with a nasally tone.

"I dunno, the sniffing, I guess. I'd be afraid if I was in your shoes."

A voice rang out from the third cell. "You're a pansy, Hisagi! You're afraid of Abarai's shoes? You're a jail cell joke! How the hell did you become a Shinigami anyway?"

"Shut up, Ikkaku." It was Kira rising to Hisagi's defense. "I want my roll and butter back!"

"Make me, Pretty Boy. Come here, Girlfriend."

"I told you before, Buddha Belly Head, keep your hands to yourself!" A resounding slap echoed through the cell area.

"You like it rough, huh? I'll teach you to call me a fat head!"

"What's gotten into you? You don't own the jail cell, Ikkaku, now give me back my bun!"

"I'll own the whole jail soon enough, so you better be nice to me, Sweet Cheeks, and you can start right now!

"Hisagi! He licked my bun!"

"Stay out of it, Spike Head, or I'll throw shoes at you!"

Shuuhei rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Kira. Got my own problems." He had found that it was always best to ignore Ikkaku when he was in bully mode.

"Told you he was a pansy."

Leaning back against the cool wall, he crossed his arms and waited. For what, he didn't know. He'd been able to ignore Yumi so far. Before the meal, the man had been busy shining every reflective surface he could find. He also seemed to be ignoring Shuuhei, for the most part, although Hisagi was aware of his eyes on him now and again. There was an uneasy silence between the two men.

At last, the noise from the next cell seemed to lessen as Kira yelled, "You stay on your side and I'll stay on mine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"But one of these days, you're going to want this."

"Don't point to that!"

From the bars, Yumichika hollered around the thick wall that separated the cells, "Ikkaku, if Kira doesn't want it, it's his loss. Now stop being a tease." He slid down the wall next to Shuuhei. "They're just like children."

Shuuhei snorted and pulled his knees to his chest. "Children on hormones. He wouldn't really hurt Kira, would he?"

"Are you kidding? Ikkaku wouldn't know what to do with a naked woman, much less a naked man. Kira's perfectly safe." Yumi patted Shuuhei's knee and squeezed. "You, on the other hand, Cupcake…"

"Knock it off, Yumi. Not in the mood for your jokes." He buried his head in his arms, hoping that Yumichika would leave him alone. But, as luck would have it (and Shuuhei knew he had run out of luck a long time ago), the pretty Shinigami remained seated next to him. He felt an arm extend across his back, then the sensation of fingers in his hair. He didn't pull away.

Yumi asked gently, "Have you been using the Sarah Tay conditioner that I gave you?"

"You mean _Saritenite_, the stuff you sold me for two day's wages? Hell no, it's too expensive to use." 1

"But worth every penny. Pure quality! It would help your ends."

"It's not my ends that need help right now, Yumi." He sighed into his arms. "Maybe Ikkaku's right. I really am a jail house joke."

"Nonsense! Ikkaku is never right! And certainly not for the reason he stated. Afraid of shoes? I think not. It's Ikkaku who's afraid of socks. You should see his feet. They're calloused messes, not pretty at all." He continued to run his supple fingers through Shuuhei's hair. It seemed to calm the man. It often came as a surprise to other people that Yumi could be empathetic at times. He didn't show that side of himself often because he liked people to think that he was too self-centered to care. That way, he could pick and choice whom he wanted to care about. Shuuhei may have come from a different squad mentality, but he liked the dark haired man for his sense of loyalty. Plus, he looked stunning in an evening gown.

"That's not what I meant." Shuuhei sighed again, deeper and longer this time.

Yumi pushed aside a strand of dark hair. "They say 'sighs' doesn't matter."

"Huh?"

He smiled. "You know, 'sighs.' 'Size.' It was a play on words. Never mind. You're obviously not in the mood for one of my comical zingers."

"Sorry, Yumi. I guess I'm preoccupied … with stuff." He exhaled again.

Yumi poked him in the arm. "You want to talk, don't you? I knew it! It's Nanao, isn't it?"

"How'd you guess? I'm that transparent, huh?"

The pretty man snorted. "Well, you certainly weren't concerned about my humiliation today, so I figured it had to be Nanao."

"Sorry, Yumi. Not much I could do about that."

"Oh, I know. I still miss my feathers, but I'll live."

Shuuhei raised his head enough to glance over at him. "What the hell do you have on your face?"

"The mashed potatoes were like paste, so I glued on a couple of green beans. Do you like?" Two green beans extended from his brow line. He smiled and fluttered his eyelashes. "They were too heavy for my lashes," he explained. "I'd die for some julienne carrots. They'd be stunning, don't you think?"

Shuuhei smiled, then placed his head back in his arms to disguise his laughter. The last thing he wanted to do was laugh at Yumi and make him cry again, especially when the man was trying to be compassionate. His shoulders shook as he silently chuckled to himself.

"Oh, you poor dear. You really are upset about Nanao, aren't you?" Yumi stroked his hair again, finally resting his hand between Shuuhei's shoulder blades.

"Um, sure. Yeah, that's it." He wiped moisture away from his eyes. Yumi would interpret that as tears for Nanao, and that was fine with Shuuhei. He really could stand to talk about it. The trial and her lack of contact with him were bothering him more than he cared to admit. Maybe a solid man chat would do him good. Oh, great Kensei, had he sunk so low that man chat sounded good?

"So talk to me. Dr. Yumichika Aya-say-isn't-that-the-guy-that-knows-everything-about-women at your service."

Shuuhei raised his head again and looked at Yumi from one eye. "So why didn't she even acknowledge me today? Not even a spiritual nudge. I thought we had something last night, but apparently, I was wrong."

Sage wisdom from Yumi was just the thing that Hisagi needed, but as he began to speak, he was rudely interrupted.

"Aw, did widdle Hisagi ShuFace get his feewings hurt? Poor baby. Wah wah wah."

"Kira," yelled Shuuhei, "shut him up!"

"Oh, yeah, now you want my help, when you wouldn't help me earlier."

"What the hell did you expect me to do? Break out of my cell, come over there, smack him in the head and then break back into my cell? Sheesh, Kira, give _me_ a break!"

"You could have very easily done just that!" yelled the blond. "Very easily!"

"He couldn't, dumbass. He's afraid of shoes and I got big ones! Abarai, give me your shoes! You too, Banana Head. I need ammo."

"I'm not giving you my shoes!" After a few minutes of scuffling, the noise in the next cell ended abruptly.

"Ow!"

"Serves you right! Back off, Brick for Brains. You're not getting my shoes."

"Ikkaku, you're being a heel! Now stop it!" commanded Yumi. "Can't you tell poor Shuuhei is hurting? His heart is broken into hundreds of bloody and bruised pieces."

"It's not that bad," said Shuuhei.

"It's been stomped on and kicked around. His guts are exposed for the world to abuse."

"No, not really. I just…"

"He's a man in pain, Ikkaku. On the verge of suicidal tendencies."

"I don't have suicidal tendencies."

"Not yet," Yumi said kindly, patting Shuuhei on the back. "Just wait." He yelled towards the other cell again. "Ikkaku, if he could, Hisagi would come over there and slash you to bits in a fit of rage fueled by his broken heart."

"If he can get past his fear of shoes!" snorted the baldy.

"I'm not afraid of shoes, you dimbulb."

"I can help you with the slashing, Shuuhei," yelled Kira. "He ate my bun."

Hisagi choked. "Thanks for the offer, Kira, but we should probably kill Ikkaku some other day."

"But we're already in jail! Please?"

"It's tempting, but some other time, 'Zuru. I promise." An amused Shuuhei looked at Yumi, but Yumi saw at his side only a man lost in the agony of unrequited love.

Running a soft hand down the muscular arm, Yumichika sniffed back a tear of sympathy. "You're putting up such a brave front. I'll help you through this, Shuuhei. I won't let you kill yourself over a woman."

"Tch! I'm not suicidal, Yumichika."

"You keep on telling yourself that." He laid his forehead on Shuuhei's shoulder, being careful not to squish his green beans.

"I'm not!" Shuuhei shrugged in a half-hearted attempt to dislodge Yumi, who was quickly turning into a Shinigami leech. "I'm confused. That's all."

"If you say so, Brave Boy." He snuggled a little closer.

"I say so, Yumichika." Another shrug, a little bit harder this time.

"Uh huh. That's good, Dear." Yumi stroked his cheek. "Delude yourself. Tell yourself you're just confused."

He pulled his face away from the delicate hands. "I'm not deluding myself."

Yumi sat up abruptly. "Ah HA! So you admit you're suicidal!"

"NO! This thing with Nanao is confusing, and I don't know how to deal with it, that's all."

"Of course, you don't!" Yumi pointed a finger at his face. "Look at how upset you are!"

Shuuhei swatted it away. "You're the one making me upset!"

"That's because I'm the only one who knows your pain!"

"Huh?!"

"I sympathize, Shuuhei. Talk to me. I understand. We're kindred brothers."

"Kindred brothers?"

"Of course! I'm in pain too, and it's not pretty. Why do you think I'm wearing green beans? To get back what little dignity I have left. My pain is your pain."

"Don't you mean 'your pain is my pain'?"

"I knew you were hurting! Admitting it is the first step to healing! Take another baby step, my brother. Admit to your dear Yumichika that you're going to kill yourself over that woman!"

"Yumi, I'm not going to kill myself over Nanao! Honest!"

The raven-haired man whacked the other on the shoulder. "Quit denying it. Didn't I just say that I sympathize? Did you not see the torture they put me through? They took my feathers and left me with a brown scrunchie! Do you think I enjoy being in this undignified position alone? Not pretty! Now admit that you're more desperate than I am and make me feel better!"

It took Hisagi some time to convince Yumichika that neither one of them should end their lives. But after awhile and an admission from the tattooed man that he was indeed hurting from Nanao's snub earlier in the day, the jail cells were relatively quiet, except for an occasional sob from Renji, as the men awaited their fates.

Some time later, the door to the cell room opened, and Sasakibe, looking like a pack mule, entered with the captain general seated on his back. The five prisoners watched in amazement and amusement as Yama-Jii thwacked his lieutenant on his behind with a riding crop.

"Faster, Sasakibe. Giddyap." The captain general waved merrily at the men as his sweat-dampened lieutenant galloped around the narrow hallway. "Whoa, doggies. I believe that is what cow pokers say, is it not?"

"Sir," complained Sasakibe, "I've carried you from one end of the Seireitei to the other end all afternoon. May I please put you down now?" asked the weary man.

"Hmph! Have you learned your lesson?"

"Yes, sir," nodded Sasakibe vigorously. "I will never leave you stuck in the lotus position for two hours ever again."

"Or forget my caramel corn. You may put me down now, Sasakibe."

With a sigh of relief and a final whack from the captain general's crop, the lieutenant dropped to his knees, allowing the old man to climb down off his back.

As his feet touched the floor, he cried, "Pins and needles, pins and needles! Pick me back up, Sasakibe! No, just kidding! Gotcha!"

"Yes, sir. Indeed, you did. Very humorous, sir. Ha ha."

"Raspberries! You never could take a joke." Yama-Jii turned to look at the men behind bars. "So, here you are then."

"Yes, sir," said Hisagi. "Here we are."

"Good. Good. I like to see my orders carried out. Each cell has a vice captain to keep the unruly elements from the eleventh division in line. Excellent. Why are you wearing green beans and why is he hugging his shoes? Never mind, I don't want to know. Should have just killed the pesky things when I had the chance," he murmured to himself. He rocked back on his heels, the silence slowly spreading, as if the men expected him to say more. "Here you are then. Right here. Behind bars. Right where you belong. All except you, Abarai."

"Sir?" Renji clung to the bars, his tear-stained faced pressed between them. "Where … where am I s-supposed to be, sir?"

"Dead. Now, as for the rest of you …"

"Dead? But, Captain General, sir, please. Spare me," he pleaded. "Save me from Captain Kuchiki, sir. I'm no good to you dead, you know that, sir!"

"Why should I save you? Will you make lovely babies? No, they will all be tall, red headed freaks. You are no good to me." The old man winked at Shuuhei who gulped and stared nervously at the floor.

"Babies?" Desperately, Renji searched for a way to convince the captain general not to hand him over to his captain. "But, sir, the substitute Shinigami trusts me. You know he comes in handy sometimes. He wouldn't like it if you make me dead."

"True enough, but I am not the one who will be making you dead, boy. Quit this stuff and nonsense; it's all ready decided. Go cry in a corner somewhere."

"Yes, sir. I think I will, sir." Renji retreated to a dark corner of his cell. The only sound was an occasional snuffle or snort.

Yama-Jii slapped his riding crop back and forth on the bars of Hisagi's and Yumichika's cell. "Now, on to other business. You! Baldy, come here!" He motioned to Ikkaku in the other cell.

The old man reached into the cell and pulled the hairless head between the bars as far as it would go. "Would you like to have your fortune told, Hisagi? Lieutenant Kira?" He didn't stop for their answer, instead rubbing Ikkaku's head like a crystal ball as he gazed into the shiny pate. "I see a move in your future. Before the night is over, I foresee that you will all be transferred to a new facility. I also can foresee that once you arrive at this facility, you will be assigned extremely difficult tasks that must be completed with precision and alacrity. I see lots of hard labor ahead for you. But I also see that your paths will separate. Four will go one way and one will go another, for I see that he has an appointment with death."

A moan came from Renji's cell.

"Did you think I could really tell the future? I cannot, you know." His mustache danced up and down at his joke, as he roughly pushed Ikkaku's head back into the cell. "However, I do know the punishments that lie in wait for you lot. I assure you that you will get what you deserve."

A louder moan emanated from the red-head's cell.

The captain general turned towards his second in command. "Sasakibe, I see in your future that you will have a little bit of alone time with one of the prisoners. Bring in the other visitor and I will wait outside, so I don't get nauseous from all the mushy mush I expect will happen."

"Yes, sir." A smiling Sasakibe disappeared for a moment, reappearing with Nanao in tow. She carried a basket, which he took from her. Shuuhei grabbed the bars to steady himself. His confusion showed clearly on his face, but he refused to get his hopes up. The trial had taken its toll on his ability to judge the woman's response to him. Nanao had been cold. He wasn't about to expect anything different here.

Yama-Jii noticed and pushed Nanao gently towards the bars. "Gentlemen, I leave you to your fate. Your punishment begins tomorrow. Sleep well, as it may be the last sleep you have for awhile, isn't that right, Abarai, you poor dog? Tsk tsk. We will miss you. You had possibilities." The old man shook his head as he walked out, leaving Nanao and Sasakibe behind.

Once the old man was gone, Sasakibe headed immediately to Ikkaku's cell. He gave Kira the once over, content that it was the blond and not Yumichika in the same cell as the man he came to see. He held up the basket. "I brought muffins!"

"Hello, Hisagi." Nanao came closer to the bars, the corner of her mouth curving into a shy smile.

"Hello, Lieutenant Ise." Crossing his arms, he glared at her.

She was surprised by the hostility she heard in his voice. A hand flew to her mouth. "Oh, Shuuhei, please, don't. Not after last night."

"What about today, Nanao? You didn't even acknowledge me. Have I embarrassed you that much? This was all about you, you know." He turned his back, his jaw throbbing from tension as he stared at the floor of the cell.

"Shuuhei." He felt Yumichika's hand on his arm.

"Yumi, stay out of this." He tried to shake off the hand, but it wouldn't move. "Hell, like your captain said, Nanao, prison romances never work out. Damn shame. This thing between us could have been nice. So just go the hell away. We went out on the date. Conditions have been met. You're free of me now."

The grip on his arm tightened. "You're not being fair, you ass. If you're going to be a jerk, at least be a jerk to her face. Look at her. Is that the look of a woman who doesn't care about you?" Yumi took Shuuhei by both arms and, despite his resistance, turned him slowly towards the cell bars, where Nanao stood, hands clasped in front of her, a single tear sliding down her cheek.

Shuuhei's wary eyes met hers. "Damn it, Nanao! Stop the damn crying. You cried last night, damn it! Is that all I can make you do? Damn it, why do you have to cry? Damn!" He crossed his arms and looked away.

She laughed lightly through her tears. "Apparently, I can make you swear too."

"Damn it!" He kicked at an imaginary pebble on the floor.

"Shuuhei, please, can't we talk? Let me explain." Without looking up, he could tell that she had moved closer to the bars.

After a moment's pause, he swallowed hard and said, "What's to explain, Nanao? I don't even know why you're here."

She said softly, "I'm here because after our date, the captain general had me kidnapped."

"Again?" His face registered his surprise.

"No," she said with a chuckle, "the first time was Shunsui."

"Oh, yeah, that's right." Puzzled, he asked, "But why did the old man kidnap you?"

"He wanted to talk. Shuuhei, do you trust me?" Her hands grasped the bars of the cell as she peered in at him.

"No! I mean … I suppose…" He drifted towards the bars, placing his hands over hers. Bowing his head, he said, "Yeah, I trust you." His head lifted to meet her eyes.

"There are plans in the works to get revenge on my captain for putting us through all this. Are you in?"

Shuuhei thought for a moment. A little revenge would be pretty sweet after everything that they had been through. And now, hard labor wasn't something he was looking forward to facing. Cocking his head, he asked, "Did you really transfer to the thirteenth?"

"I did," she nodded. "It's all part of the plan. So was your trial and your punishment."

A racket from the next cell drew their attention. Renji poked his head out of the bars, a happy puppy dog grin on his face. "You mean, Kuchiki's not really going to kill me? It was all part of some plan?"

"Oh, no. I'm sorry, Renji, you're still a dead man. That part was real enough."

"CRAP!" He stalked away from the bars, landing on his bunk with a loud thunk as he hit his head. "OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Renji, quit hitting your head on the wall. You're going to hurt yourself."

"I don't care! I'm going to kill myself before he gets the chance!"

"Whatever, dude! You know," said Shuuhei, "it just means he's going to win."

The head banging noise stopped. "Fine," came a grumpy voice, "I'll live, but only for spite! I won't enjoy myself."

Nanao drew the tattooed man's attention back to her, "The punishment is real enough. There were some minor crimes committed that you're going to have make retribution for. When you're transferred to the new facility, you'll learn more. You'll be meeting Yama-Jii there. Cooperate, Shuuhei. Convince the others to cooperate too, and maybe we can teach my captain a lesson."

"You really hate him, don't you?"

"No, I've been with him for a long time. In some ways, I love him, but I can't allow him to get away with this. I'll always be loyal to him first and foremost, but he's forgotten why and how our relationship works. A little payback just might remind him."

"And us? You and me?" he asked, drawing in a breath.

"We'll talk when you're out," she smiled. "We have revenge to plan, remember? In the meantime, I want to give you something to think about."

Reaching between the bars, she grabbed his head and pulled him close. Her lips met his in a prolonged, paralyzing kiss.

Ikkaku called from the next cell. "Ooo, ol' Soggy Bottoms getting some."

After watching them for a minute, Sasakibe tapped Ikkaku's nose with his finger and said quietly, "You could too, you know."

"I think I'm going to hurl!"

"Shut up," Yumi yelled, "you'll spoil the moment."

But nothing could have spoiled the moment for the dark-haired vice captain.

Nanao's fingers traced lightly through his hair and around his ears as her tongue thoroughly explored his willing mouth. Finally, she slowly pulled away, taking a small step back from the bars. Their eyes met. He felt his heart melt into his shoes. She sank against the bars, placing her hands over his.

"I'll see you in a few days, Shuuhei." She lightly kissed him on the lips again and moved away from the cell towards the outer door. He watched her every move, memorizing her, willing her not to leave. At the door, she walked through as Sasakibe held it open. With a slight toss of her head over her shoulder, she was gone.

Shuuhei sank to the floor. His legs wouldn't hold him anymore. They felt like jello. His head was spinning, his heart was racing. The tingly black hole in the bottom of his stomach threatened to pull all of him in.

"Hisagi, you okay?" Yumi touched the man's shoulder.

"No." He put his hands up to his face, drawing them down to his chin. "I think I just tasted Nanao Nirvana, and I want a second helping."

Peering out of the bars of his cell, Ikkaku said, "Can't help you there, dude, but I got muffins. Yumi, want one?"

"Sure. Pass 'em over. Anything's better than the food they serve here. Good accessories; lousy nourishment."

"Sasakibe's a pretty good cook."

"Baker," corrected Kira.

"Whatever, he's not such a bad guy when he isn't coming on to me. He said he baked something special into one of the muffins. Maybe it's a file or something to help us escape."

Ikkaku handed a muffin through the bars towards Yumi's outstretched arm, but the cells were far enough apart that they couldn't reach. He tried tossing it, but it fell to the floor in a crumby mess.

"You're useless. Give me those." Kira reached to take the muffin basket from Ikkaku's hands.

"Hey, you want one, you got to pay for it, Blondie. Come here, Sweetheart."

"We may get muffins before they get stale," laughed Yumi to Shuuhei. "You okay now, 'Sagi?"

"I guess, Yumi. Hell of a kiss. Damn nice surprise." He gratefully accepted Yumi's outstretched hands to help him off the floor.

The shorter man batted his eyelashes. "If I were to venture a guess, Cupcake, I'd say you were in love."

"Me? Naw, I haven't been in love since the academy."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'm not…Okay, maybe a little," he finally admitted, as words from Ikkaku's 'Luck Luck Dance' reached their ears. "What the hell?"

"I fear for Kira," said Yumi, shaking his head. "Ikkaku has this unhealthy fantasy about being king of something where he can have as much sex as he wants without consequences."

"I thought you said he was harmless."

"He is. Just wait."

"COME HERE, YOU BLOND…"

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. I DON'T WANT A MUFFIN THAT BADLY!"

Yumichika called out, "Don't hurt him too much, Izuru. I still need him for target practice." He elbowed Hisagi, who held back a snicker.

Ikkaku's voice rang out through the cells, "Hey, whose side are you on? OW OW OW! LEMME GO!"

"Listen good, Ikkaku Madarame, and I might let you up without breaking your arm. Three things I want to drill into your pea-sized brain right now! Number one! No non-consensual nookie! Number two! No consensual nookie! Number three! No nookie involving you. EVER! Got it?"

"I got it. I don't know what the hell 'nookie' is, but I got it. Now, let go!"

"Sex. SEX! Sex is nookie! Get it?"

"No, I don't get it! That's my point. I want it! OW. OW. Yeah, I got it. Now let go!"

There was silence for a minute before Kira finally called out, "Hisagi?"

"Yeah, Kira?" asked Shuuhei, eyeing Yumichika curiously.

"You can clean your own cell. And I'm not going to iron your laundry either."

"Huh? Sure, whatever you say, 'Zuru," a puzzled Hisagi answered. Yumi shrugged.

Kira's voice echoed from the cell again. "Do you have something you want to say, Ikkaku?"

"But how am I supposed to be king of the prison without a prison b…"

"Don't say it! Don't even think it! There's a new king in the prison, Ikkaku! And unless you want to be my little princess, you'll behave yourself. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Got it what?"

"Got it…Blondie?"

"Close enough. Who wants muffins?" Kira called cheerfully. He picked up the basket left by Sasakibe, reached out between the bars, grabbed a lever high up on the wall and pulled, releasing the locking mechanisms of the bars with a click. He walked over to Shuuhei and Yumi's cell, pushed open the door and walked in. "Muffins?"

They stared at the jovial muffin man. "How did you…?"

After handing them muffins, he did the same to Renji, returned to his cell, grabbed the lever and pushed it back up, relocking the bars with another click.

"Kira," called an incredulous Yumi, "how did you do that?"

"Well, I grabbed the lever and pulled."

"But…but how did you know it was there?" he asked.

Kira chortled, "It's an honor cell, silly. All honor cells have release mechanisms. That's why they're called honor cells. You can leave anytime you want, but you're on your honor to return."

"But how did you know about that when we didn't?"

"Easy," he said, unwrapping the paper from around his muffin, "it's not my first time in here."

"When were you here before?"

"Let's just say my captain was still around and leave it at that." He bit into the muffin. "Umm, blueberry." The sharp edge of a hard bit of paper was sticking up from the center of his pastry. "Oh, look! I found what Sasakibe baked into the muffins."

"Give it! It's mine. He meant for me to have it," yelled Ikkaku, jumping across the cell.

"Here you go," said Kira, as Ikkaku ripped it from his hand. "I can't imagine what I'd do with a picture of Sasakibe anyway." The half-eaten muffin met its doom as the bald man hurled it against the wall.

Shuuhei heard a soft click. The next thing he knew, Renji was in his cell, heading for Yumichika. He grabbed the smaller man in a bear hug. "Hold me. I'm scared."

"Stop it! You're bending my green beans!"

* * *

**AN/**

1.) From my story _Sarah Tay in the Seireitei_. A special tribute to dear reader to let you know I'm thinking about you.

Special thanks to DolphinWhisperer for her artwork on this chapter. Remove the spaces and go to bcollie9. deviantart. com/ art/ Kira-the-Muffin-Man- 123030507

Our versions are slightly different in the placement of the cell occupants, since she worked from an earlier draft, but I still like it! If you do too, drop her a comment.


	50. Toilet Paper, Feather Dusters and SMUT

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: WOW! Chapter 50!! The first of two celebrations this month regarding this story. The second is that on June 30th, this story will mark its first anniversary. Yep, I've been writing it for almost a full year. Will it ever end? I can only hope that these guys will stop creeping into my brain at night and planting new ways to get even with Shunsui. It's been a blast and Tite Kubo has no idea that I'm doing this. If he did, I'm sure he'd share the profits from Bleach with me. (Insert laugh here.) No, I don't own it and I never expect to, but I do appreciate Tite's genius.**

**I've been working on this chapter for quite some time, but only in short bursts. There's another part, but I decided that I needed to post a chapter, so I cut it off in the middle. The next part isn't ready yet, but my busy schedule has kept you waiting long enough. Things are starting to settle down now, so hopefully, I'll be posting fairly regularly for awhile.**

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews!! My apologies (once again) for not responding personally. Like I said, it's been a bit crazy around here for quite awhile now. I'll try to do better with this chapter, I promise.**

**Oh, by the way, here's a shameless plug: Dolphin Whisperer posted a new chapter of Bleached Ice. Check it out!

* * *

**

The sun was shining, creating a blue-green shimmer in the pool waters. Instructed by the "lifeguards" (actually a squad from the second division dressed in swim trunks) not to enter the water, the Hisagi 5 were sitting on the deck by the pool as they awaited their fate.

During the night under the cover of darkness, they had been moved from their jail cells and deposited into their new environment, a posh resort with all of the amenities. Even their prison garments had been exchanged to reflect their surroundings, so that they would blend in and not alarm the other guests, not that the five were considered guests. Sewn with the same construction as the prison wear, their new clothes were made of finer materials and more pleasant to wear. Yumichika was placated to some degree, although he still was not allowed ornamentation other than the brown scrunchie which he had come to hate by now.

Despite currently being locked within the lush confines of the Olympic-size swimming pool area, the fact remained that they were still prisoners, men convicted of heinous and not so heinous crimes, watched over by lifeguard guards. They had to pay their debts to society, even if it meant that Society couldn't go swimming for awhile.

Renji, worried to the point of despair over Kuchiki's plans for him, had put the guards to the test early on when he had attempted to end his misery by loading rocks into his shirt and down his knotted pantlegs and jumping into the pool. Kira had wandered over to the lifeguards and interrupted their poker game to inform them about the man in the water. Ever diligent, the guards had waded in and pulled the red head out, giving all five explicit instructions not to enter the water again or to play with rocks. Renji was still kicking himself for misjudging which end was the deep end of the pool and for using gravel to fill his hakama. The others ignored him and were soaking up the sun, although Yumichika was afraid of over tanning.

"Man, this is the life." Ikkaku stretched his arms above his head as he splashed his feet in the coolness. "If I didn't have to room with Hisagi, I'd be set."

"Separate beds?" asked Kira, leaning back on his elbows, his face towards the sun.

Hisagi nodded. "Thank Kensei for small favors." He dipped his hand into the pool. "I wish we could go for a swim. Thanks for nothing, Red." Renji curled his lip at him.

"I can push you in and say it was an accident," offered Ikkaku, shoving Hisagi off-balance.

"Stop it, you moron! You want to get us into more trouble?"

"Trouble? With those guards? Buy 'em a drink and they'll let us do anything we want."

Shuuhei laughed. He had to admit that Ikkaku was right about the guards.

"Hell, Hisagi, this is luxury, you pansy! Relax and enjoy it. Didn't you see the whirlpool in the bathroom? And the salted peanuts in the mini-fridge? I love salty nuts! I'd have gone to jail sooner, if I had known that we'd be treated like this."

"Don't forget the new basket of muffins that Sasakibe sent you."

"I gotta thank the guy. He bakes some killer muffins!"

"Killer muffins?" asked Renji desperately. "Can I have one?"

"And that toilet paper! Man, it's so soft! Not like that cardboard we use in the Seireitei."

"Yes, but does your soft toilet paper leave lint," sniffed Yumi from his spot in Kira's shadow, "because if it does, then it's useless, soft or not! If you want my opinion, you can take your cushy, linty toilet paper and your love of nuts and shove them up your spa jets! This is cruel and unusual punishment."

"Bitter much?" asked Hisagi, eyeing the raven haired man as he picked apart a red azalea that had failed as a hair ornament. The poor flower didn't stand a chance.

"Of course, I'm bitter! I'm scarred for life. They're making me share the maid's quarters with Kira. Maid's quarters! And not even private maid's quarters. They've given me a roommate! How fair is that, I ask you, after all that they've put me through? You and Baldzilla get a luxury suite, and Abarai gets the penthouse all to himself. I deserve that penthouse! They took my green beans!" He smashed the wilted flower pieces with his foot, leaving a pinkish smear on the deck.

"There, there, Yumi." Kira reached back and patted the distraught man on the shoulder. "I'll tell you what. We'll play a game and pretend we're actually the maids and take turns cleaning the room. I know how to make hospital corners. It'll be fun."

"Are you insane?" Yumi shrugged off the hand. "You will never catch ME cleaning a room like a common worker. Pretend all you want. I do NOT fit the description of a maid!"

"We'll be using feather dusters," teased the blond.

"Feather dusters? Keep the dust; I'll take the feathers. It's amazing what I can do with a tube of toothpaste and a few ordinary feathers … things that you can only imagine. Right, Hisagi?" Fluttering his eyelashes, he watched the vice captain turned bright pink.

"What the hell you asking me for?" Hisagi felt his face burn, knowing there was nothing he could do about it, but still he protested.

"Surely, you remember our li'l fight on the rooftop? Hmmm?" Yumi batted his lashes some more and leaned in for effect, touching his victim on the arm.

"Oh, _that_ fight," countered Shuuhei, "the one where you used a certain technique that shall go nameless, unless you insist on continuing to embarrass me?"

Surprised, Yumi backed off. "Well, don't you have the nuts all of a sudden?"

"Are they salty?" asked Ikkaku.

"Shut up," three voices ordered in unison.

Since he didn't want Ikkaku to know about his kidou-based zanpakutou, Yumi knew that his fun with Shuuhei was over. The vice captain of the ninth embarrassed quite easily, especially if it involved intimacy, even the soul sucking type of intimacy of Yumi's zanpakutou, but Yumi could push him only so far for fear of exposure to the eleventh. He sighed, turned his attention to the blond, and smiled brightly, "All right, Kira, I'll play your silly game, but only if I can be a French maid. _Tres chic_!"

Kira beamed. "Oh, goodie," he clapped. "I'll show you how to fold the end of the toilet paper into a triangle."

"_Oy vey_." Yumi rolled his eyes.

"I still don't get it," asked Shuuhei.

Kira shook his head. "I haven't explained it yet, but I promise. It's really easy. Just fold one end in and then match the other end to that. You'll end up with a little point in the middle."

"Just like you and your little point in the middle."

"You better not be making a sock joke," pouted the blond. He held up his arms over his face in defense against the water Hisagi was splashing his way. "Stop it!" The cascade beaded up and rolled off his bangs.

"I meant, I don't understand about the luxury accommodations," said Shuuhei.

Yumichika slapped him lightly on the arm. "Luxury? Maid's quarters? I think not, Mr. Refrigerated-Nuts. The very thought of _moi_ living in maid's quarters will bring about the imminent collapse of social order and hierarchy. And Renji with the penthouse? Has the world gone mad?"

"That's what I mean," said the spiky-haired brunette. "What's the catch?"

"The catch is he's going to kill me," said Renji quietly. His red-rimmed eyes darted between his friends. "Mark my words. I'm a dead man."

Yumichika dismissed him with a back-handed wave. "Geez, Renji, you are so selfish! What makes you think your problems are worse than mine? If Kuchiki kills you in the penthouse, at least it will be with style … and without a roommate." He turned to Hisagi. "What catch are you talking about?"

Hisagi splashed a little water onto the deck where he sat and began to draw wet circles on the dry cement. "The catch. You know, the one you were telling me about before we got into all of this trouble. You and Kira said there was always a catch. So what's the catch this time? We're being punished, yet we're surrounded by luxury."

Renji leaned over and whispered hoarsely. "It's his plan, I tell you. His evil plan. Lull us into complacency and then strike when we're not looking. Yumi's right. That penthouse is booby-trapped."

Kira snickered. "He said 'booby.'"

"You are so immature."

"Gentlemen!" came a sharp cry.

Startled, Renji lurched towards the pool, falling on top of Ikkaku who barely managed to keep from tumbling into the water.

"Personal space, man!" yelled the third seat as he pushed the skittish red-head off.

They watched as three new guards entered the pool area. The guard who had hollered came and stood impatiently over them, his hands tugging at the Speedo on his hips. Behind him stood two more guards, similarly dressed with Speedos and white swim caps, each holding a pile of towels. "Remove your clothing," he commanded.

"Strip search!" said Yumichika, a little too enthusiastically.

"Who are you?" demanded Ikkaku. "And why should we listen to you?" He was enjoying his time by the pool and he wasn't ready to give it up yet just because some guy in tight underwear told him to.

"We are part of Captain SoiFon's Utility Troops for the Secret Mobile Units," answered the man.

"Oh, more prison guards." Ikkaku wasn't impressed as he rose to his feet. "Kind of hard to hide your weapon in those trunks, ain't it?"

"They're not trunks. They're special Civilian Undercover Protection Suits. And I don't need weapons to subdue you," sneered the guard, puffing out his chest.

The hairless man squared his shoulders, ready for a fight. "Yeah? Listen here, Short Pants …"

"Ikkaku!" Yumichika reached around Kira and slapped Ikkaku on the ankle. "Are you really going to get into an altercation with a man in a slinky bathing suit? Think of where you'll have to put your hands!"

Ikkaku halted and thought for a moment. Finally, he spoke slowly. "I'm gonna hurl."

The guard laughed in his direction, then continued with his instructions. "Once you are undressed, wrap yourself in these towels and follow Lt. Sasakibe. Get moving." He turned on his heel, smacking into the guards behind him. After some confusion, the two guards parted, allowing him to go through. As he walked away, the other two Special Mobile Utility Troop members hastily handed out the towels and hurried after him.

Hisagi watched them walk away. He read the letters that identified their unit on the back of their suits. "S. M. U. T. They really need to change the abbreviation on the back of their trunks."

Kira corrected him. "You mean on the back of their C.U.P.S."

"Either way," Shuuhei muttered, "we still have to get naked. Punishment by humiliation. I knew there was a catch."

"Yes, there is, but that's not it," exclaimed the vice captain of the first division as he stepped through a door hidden behind the waterfall feature. "The catch is…"

"Hey, Sasakibe! Awesome muffins, man!"

"…that you are to meet the captain general out in the hot springs." He glanced around, avoiding direct contact with Ikkaku for fear of getting distracted from his assigned task. But in his attempt to steer clear of the object of his desire, he focused on Hisagi, making the tattooed man quite uncomfortable.

"Hot springs?" Hisagi bobbed his head to the left, then to the right, trying to shake Sasakibe's stare with little success. "What's up, Sasakibe? Do you know what this is about?"

"Indeed I do, but you will not hear from my lips, Hisagi. The captain general is waiting for you in the hot springs." Sasakibe whirled around and headed back the way he came. "Please don't keep him waiting."

"I think he's mad at you, Ikkaku," said Yumichika lightly as the man disappeared behind a cascade of water. "He didn't even stay around long enough to peek."

"Aw, an' I was so hoping he would," sneered the bald man as he let his pants fall to his ankles. "An' I even told him I like his muffins!"

"Maybe if you had told him you like salty nuts ..."

His pants went flying at Yumichika. The action caught Hisagi's eye. In the process of removing his own clothes, he glanced sideways at Ikkaku, then did a double take. "Do you have hair anywhere on your body?"

Ikkaku grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his hips. A pink blush spread from his cheeks, to his shoulders, down his chest, and disappeared under the towel. "Man, that's pretty personal, don't you think?"

"Personal maybe," laughed Yumi, "but definitely not pretty."

"Bald is beautiful!"

"Yea, but not THAT bald…"

"You wouldn't say that if I had a disease or something!" he protested.

"Do you?" asked Yumi as he gingerly slid his arms out of his sleeves. "Good riddance." He dropped the garment on the ground and gave it a kick.

"Do I what?" asked Ikkaku.

"Have a disease, like alopecia?"

"Hell, no. I pluck it, shave it, wax it when it gets drastic." 1

As he removed his shirt, Kira turned to Hisagi. "What do you think Sasakibe meant?"

"I don't know," said Shuuhei, dropping his pants, "But I'm not liking this one bit. We're supposed to be prisoners and yet we're being treated like guests at a luxury resort and our guards look like models for the sunscreen patrol."

"It's his plan, that's what it is," said Renji, looking around wide-eyed as if searching for something. "We get all relaxed and then BOOM, he moves in for the kill. This is his resort, you know."

As Shuuhei wrapped himself in a sun-warmed towel, he asked, "What are you babbling about, Abarai?"

"Yea, Cactus Head, what's up, Man?" asked Ikkaku.

"Don't you know," asked Renji, eyes still darting around, "This is one of the Kuchiki holdings. They own, or rather, HE owns this resort. So why are we here after what we did to him? This ain't a vacation, dude. It's a trap, I guarantee it! The sooner we leave this place, the better I'll feel."

"Nonsense," said Yumichika. "You're just paranoid, Renji."

"Come on," said Kira, "We can't keep the captain general waiting."

"To kill us!" Renji looked around for escape. He grabbed Shuuhei's towel. A small struggle ensued. Shuuhei pried the towel out of his hands, only to have Renji grab him in a bear hug.

"Abarai, you're being stupid," he scolded, trying to push the terrified man away. "Why would Yama-Jii want to kill us? He'd be down three vice captains and two other seated officers. The squads would be decimated."

"I don't want to be decimated," cried Renji, holding Shuuhei around the neck and shoulders. "I want to live! I like my life."

"Then you have nothing to fear," choked out the brunette, "because Yama-Jii is not going to kill us."

Renji backed away, allowing Hisagi to catch his breath. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure," he said calmly, patting the red head on the back. "You better now?"

Bowing his head, Renji released his hostage, swallowing hard. He said quietly, "I guess so."

"Good," Shuuhei smiled. "You have nothing to fear from the old man. Right, Kira?"

"Right! Kuchiki, on the other hand, is so going to kill you."

"AUGH!!"

"KIRA!"

"What? What'd I say?"

* * *

**A/N:**

1 I've got to thank my boys, Rhett and Link, for the borrow from their _Unibrow_ song. Check them out at rhettandlink. com/ videos/ #unibrow-song NO SPACES

Thanks for reading!


	51. Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **I am going to quit promising things. Circumstances change and then I feel badly that I can't keep promises, so I will update when I am able, which at times may take awhile. Thank you to all who have reviewed and favorited and alerted. I appreciate you all. I'll keep it coming if you promise to keep reading. Oh, wait. That was sort of a promise from me, wasn't it? Oh, well. That one I can keep. Bleach = Don't own it or profit from it.

* * *

After undressing and wrapping themselves in towels as commanded, the four men, with Renji in tow, headed back the secluded path behind the waterfall where Choujiro Sasakibe was beckoning. As they passed Sasakibe and went through the hidden door into the hot springs area, he warned, "Not all of the bubbles are from the hot springs."

The room they entered contained an active hot spring -- a very active hot spring. In fact, the steam enveloped the entire room, making it hard for the men to see anything more than an arm's length away.

"What did he mean by that?" asked Kira, waving aside some of the steamy vapors.

"You're just full of questions, aren't you?" asked Yumichika. He poked the blond in the ribs, then disappeared into the mist.

Startled, Kira bumped into Hisagi who pushed him off. "Stop that, Yumi! I hate to be poked!" He shooed in Yumi's general direction, since it was hard to tell if he was still there.

Yumi reappeared suddenly and poked him again. "The Pretty Steamy Poker strikes again! BWA-Ha-Ha!" Again, he disappeared into the fog.

"STOP THAT!" Kira yelled once again at a dark figure in the haze.

"Dude!" growled Hisagi. "Don't yell in my ear!"

Kira groped for his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Shuuhei, but Yumi keeps poking me," pouted Kira. "Tell him to quit!"

"What am I? Your mother? At least, he isn't moping any more." Hisagi shrugged him off again, only to feel a figure brush past him and converge on Kira. The two dark forms danced an eerie tango in front of him.

"Poke!"

"AUGH!"

"Poke!"

"AUGH! SHUUHEI! Tell him to stop!"

"No one keeps the Pretty Steamy Poker from his appointed task! BWA-ha-HA!"

"Do I have to separate the two of you? Find a corner and take a time-out, both of you!" The dark haired Shinigami reached through the steam to grab one or both of them, but missed. "Kira, stop whining. Yumichika, play nice. You're turning me into a nagging, old woman!"

A melodious voice from the fog answered, "And to think, you were once a beauty queen, thanks to me."

Hisagi slapped his forehead, although no one could see it. "Somebody save me from them."

"So where do you think Kuchiki is?" Renji's voice had a barely disguised tremor to it. The fog was oppressive and ominous. He had no proof, but he knew that Kuchiki had to be lurking around here somewhere. He could feel the cold, cold chill in his bones, even though the steam in the room could melt a glacier.

"Better question," said Ikkaku, who had been scouting the area away from the 'poker' players. "Where's the captain general?"

"I can't see much of anything with all this steam," said Hisagi, squinting, "but I don't see anybody."

"Maybe he's hiding," said Renji. "He's going to jump out at me, isn't he." It was a statement, more than a question.

"Who? The captain general?" asked Ikkaku. "That rickety old man's lucky he can jump out of the way."

"I meant Kuchiki!" Renji grabbed a corner of Hisagi's towel as Kira ran around behind him.

"Sure, Renji. That's a real mature thing for a captain like Kuchiki to do." Shuuhei rolled his eyes, tugging the towel out of the other's hands, as he scanned the area for life forms.

"It's not all about you, Abarai," said Ikkaku.

"Especially when I'm around." Yumi zoomed past in an effort to catch Kira. He pointed over his shoulder, not aiming at anything. "Is that him over there?"

"WHERE?" squeaked Renji, jumping into Hisagi's arms.

Dropping him to the floor, Hisagi said irritably, "He's yanking your chain, you turnip!"

"Why'd he do that? He scared me half to death." Renji glowered, picking himself up off the deck. "Hey, wait a minute!" He pointed a finger into what he thought was Hisagi's face, a little too close to his nose. "He's in on it, isn't he! You all are! You're all turning against me!"

"Whatever you say, Red." Hisagi slapped his finger away, hitting himself in the nose in the process. "Ow."

"WHAT? IS IT KUCHIKI?"

"Grow a pair, Abarai, and I don't mean antlers." Ikkaku sidled his way through the steam to the edge of the hot springs, pulling up sharply on his toes to keep from falling in. Surveying the area, he said, "Bet the old fart's not even here."

Slowly, as if on command, the thick wall of vapors settled into the adjacent pool to reveal the captain general, and only the captain general, sitting in the hot waters. "You would lose that bet, dumb ass. Lieutenants Kira and Hisagi, greetings. I see you got my little message. Come, come. Join me in the pool. You too, Lieutenant Abarai. Captain Kuchiki is not here. Just little ol' me. Yes, yes, you morons can come in too." Chuckling, Yama-Jii beckoned to all five men. "Don't be shy. Drop your towels. At least one of you has seen me in the shower, so now it is my turn to peep at you."

The three lieutenants exchanged glances. It did not go unnoticed, but as the men hesitated, the old man finally said, "No, no, no. The old man was merely making a joke. I will close my eyes, and then you can all get in. Modesty, modesty."

He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. After a moment of indecision, the five dropped their towels and entered the water.

The old man's hands flew from his face. "Oops, not fast enough! I opened my eyes, and what did I see, but five little surprises," chortled the old man. He waved them all down into the pool. "Don't worry; I'm sure you'll all have growth spurts before you need to use those things. Sit, sit."

"What the hell did he mean by that?" asked Ikkaku to Yumichika. Yumi leaned over and whispered something in his ear. "No way! Don't they shrink afterwards?"

"Yumi's pulling your leg, Slick," said Shuuhei.

"Which one?"

"Shut up." They eased into the blistering water. "Damn, that's hot."

"Hotter than blazes," agreed Yumichika. "I'm really going to have to moisturize."

"Oh, I apologize," said Yama-Jii. "I raised the temperature a few degrees with my zanpakutou. It seemed a little chilly in here. Don't worry, you'll get used to it, and there won't be any harm done … that is, unless you want children some day. Do you like babies, Hisagi?"

"Uh, yes sir, I guess," came the uncertain reply.

"Perhaps you should sit on the edge and dangle your feet."

"I'm fine, sir. I'll adjust."

A powerful reiatsu flooded the pool. "I said _sit on the edge_, boy!"

"Yes, sir," Shuuhei reluctantly pulled himself back onto the edge of the hot springs pool. Finding Sasakibe right behind him, he grabbed his towel and covered himself.

Ikkaku laughed. "Whatsamatter, Gym Shuu? Shy?"

Shuuhei sneered at the bald man. "Whatsamatter, Ball-bearing Brain? Jealous?"

Behind him, Sasakibe snorted, "Of you? I don't hardly think so."

"Sasakibe," said Yama-Jii, "I wish to speak to these gentlemen alone. Leave us please."

"But, Yama…"

"We have talked about this before, Sasakibe," he warned. "Perhaps you need to find me some caramel corn."

"Yes, Yama-Jii." He turned to go, casting one last look into the rolling waters of the pool near Ikkaku's submerged legs. The third seat quickly threw his hands into his lap, his face turning scarlet, but not because of the heat in the pool.

As the vice captain walked away, Yama-Jii called after him, "I want you to get S.M.U.T. tea, Sasakibe. Get S.M.U.T. tea for everyone. I do like a good S.M.U.T. tea and Captain Soifon's S.M.U.T.s make a wonderful iced tea, one that they have agreed to serve here, in honor of the captain general. That's me, you know." He took a sharp breath. "It is what they call 'sun brewed' with a hint of raspberry or peach. I just call it S.M.U.T. tea. Sometimes, they'll add lemon and lime. Truly good S.M.U.T. tea with fruits. Makes you pucker! Or even strawberry, but it's no substitute. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. They set the pitcher in the sun for a minimum of eight hours, then when the water has been thoroughly diffused with the tea flavoring, they pour the water over a strainer full of crystalline sugar, melting the sugar ever so slowly…"

"And then they put poison in it when you're least expecting it," Renji whispered to Kira.

The old man's eyebrow shot into the air. "Ah, but you're not interested in their iced tea, are you, Abarai?"

"No, sir. I'm afraid not, sir," admitted Renji, finding his courage. "I'd like to know why we're here when we're supposed to be prisoners and be safe in jail."

"Well, yes, that is a good question." The old man stopped, bowed his head and pondered his fingertips for a few moments. Finally, he looked up. "Did you know that you are all in this trouble because of stale fortune cookies?"

"Fortune cookies, Yama-Jii?"

"What the hell?"

"Who in their right mind serves stale fortune cookies? Terribly gauche."

The confusion was evident in their voices.

"Yes, stale fortune cookies." He smiled, pleased with the effect of his announcement. "Surely you realized that these so-called tasks were trite, clichéd and banal? Hackneyed? Commonplace? Worn out? Unimaginative, even? Stale as the cookies they came out of."

"Oo oo! I noticed!" said Yumichika, excitedly.

"They were pretty vague and ridiculous," added Shuuhei. He quoted a few of the tasks. "'The wise man removes the bindings of many years;' 'the wise man wrestles inner monsters;' and of course, Renji's favorite, 'the wise man loosens what is tight.'"

"Hey, it worked, didn't it? When's the last time you saw Kuchiki dancing like that?"

"Do you mean nude or otherwise?"

"Shut up." The red head gave Hisagi the glare of death.

"I needed a frame of reference. Speaking of which, is that him over there?" He tipped his chin towards a spot over Renji's head.

"WHERE?" Renji whipped around, his hair splattering Yumichika who had been trying to remain relatively dry.

"Hisagi, I will hold you personally responsible if my hair dries wavy."

A loud voice boomed across the waters. "You guys need to be quiet because I have a point to make!"

Surprised by the outburst, the four friends and the captain general turned in Ikkaku's direction.

"Look, man. You can say, 'The wise man does this,' 'the wise man does that,' all you want," mocked Ikkaku. "But the wise man's pretty stupid to do that stuff, if you ask me."

"So what's that make us?" asked Kira.

"Stupider."

"Hard to believe," said Yama-Jii. "You see, Captain Kyouraku got the tasks from fortune cookies. So, Lieutenant Hisagi, you and your companions were running amok in order to fulfill your fortune cookie destiny. It had absolutely nothing to do with Miss Ise and her fiery fate. How does that make you feel, knowing that it was all a fake, a fraud, a put-on, a sham, counterfeit, a mockery. Bogus, even!"

"Bogus, sir? Not very good." The brunette shook his head. "I had my suspicions right from the start, but I wanted to know what the captain was up to." He shook his head again and smiled, running a hand through his hair. "Plus, it seemed like it could be fun. It's been pretty dull around here."

"Uhn," grunted the old man. The bubbles in the springs roiled violently, releasing a noxious odor into the air. "You five have certainly livened things up around here and reignited a few standing feuds, I might add. But as I mentioned in court, you have to pay for your sport. Ooo, the captain general made a rhyme. That's me, you know. The captain general, not the rhyme." The churning waters subsided a bit, but the sulfurous smell lingered. "The community demands restitution, the Oomaeda clan demands restitution, so you must make restitution. Byakuya Kuchiki demands retribution, so you must make nice-nice with him as well. Therefore, for one week, three of you will remain here to fulfill your prison terms in various capacities. The other two will be on day release to make good on Captain Ukitake's koi ponds and gardens and other assorted projects."

"I'll help with the koi ponds, sir," volunteered Renji.

"Don't be ridiculous, Abarai. You are to stay here under the direct supervision of Captain Kuchiki's staff. He, and he alone, is responsible for your demise … I mean, punishment."

Renji shivered, an unnatural cold enveloping him. He wrapped his arms across his chest for warmth in the depths of the hot spring.

The captain general continued. "Ayasegawa, your crime is aiding, a lesser offense. Izuru Kira or whatever your name is now, you are accused of abetting, also a lesser offense, so you both will remain here with Abarai."

"Yes sir!" replied Yumichika cheerily, thinking of the luxury of soft sheets, saunas and back rubs.

Kira crossed his arms in disgust. "Shouldn't he know my name by now?"

"Well, you have answered to a lot of different names lately," said Shuuhei.

"I have not."

"Hey, Bean Pole!" yelled Ikkaku. "Yo, Blondie! Rukira!"

"WHAT?"

"Nothing. Just proving a point."

"Ikkaku Madarame, Shuuhei Hisagi, it's hard labor for the two of you. You will leave here immediately, after you've had a good dinner, full-body massages and a good night's sleep in feather beds. Separate, of course. In the morning, you will report to the foreman at the fight arena to help with repairs there. Afterwards, you will report to Captain Ukitake to assist with koi pond repairs, which I believe will take quite a bit longer to complete since Shunsui Kyouraku will be working on them as well. You will return here at night to continue your confinement. I order daily massages and command that you make full use of the amenities that this resort has to offer. Is your punishment understood?"

"No, sir, especially the why," said a grinning Hisagi, "but I'm not going to argue."

"I'll go in your place, Hisagi."

"Abarai, you are to stay here," barked Yama-Jii. "That is final, do you hear me, boy?"

"Yes, sir." Renji's shoulders slumped in dejection.

Shuuhei chuckled and clapped Renji on the back. The fight arena and the koi pond repair would be dirty, messy jobs, but he had seen plenty of dirt in his fighting career. It wasn't anything he couldn't handle. He was, after all, more used to the hard work than he was the daily massages, but he would gladly suffer through those if it made Yama-Jii happy … not to mention himself. Shuuhei pushed the towel aside and slipped into the pool.

"Did I say you could come in here, boy?" barked the old man. "Do you not want babies?" His brow knit together as his beard floated on the water.

Confused, Shuuhei pulled himself back out, and answered, "Not immediately, sir."

"Hmph!" Yama-Jii was surrounded by a sudden release of bubbles from the hot spring below. "Never thinking ahead, these young ones. Where are their brains?" he muttered. "In their pants most of the time, except when it comes to thinking ahead, to thinking about the future. Not immediately, hmph! If not now, then when? Nanao Ise would make a wonderful mother, do you not agree, Hisagi?"

"Uhhh" was all Shuuhei could think to answer.

"She's not getting any younger, you know. Enough about you and your selfish ways. I have a proposition for you."

"I'm not ready for children, Yama-Jii. I always figured I'd be married first, find the right girl, you know."

"You have found the right girl, but you are a fool!" The waters began to boil vigorously as a sulfurous smell began to permeate the air. The steam rose from the pool in waves and enveloped them in a suffocating veil. The air around them was heating to roasting temperatures, on the way to broil.

Yumichika was desperately trying to keep his hair in place with the brown scrunchie, but every time he let go, it drooped into his face.

Ikkaku was turning a bright rosy red to match the tongue hanging out of his mouth in heat prostration.

Beating his chest with two fists, Renji screamed into the air. "This is all part of his evil plan! Come and get me, Byakuya Kuchiki! I'm ready for you!"

Jabbing Hisagi's leg underwater, Kira hissed, "Do something before he cooks us alive or the red head turns into an ax murderer!"

Stammering, Shuuhei said, "Captain General, sir, you're right. I'm a fool. Maybe Nanao really is my destiny. I just don't know yet, sir, but I'm willing to try to find out."

The bubbles stopped and the smell began to subside. "That's what I want to hear. There's a good lad for you." Yama reached out and patted Hisagi's knee. "Now about my proposition," he continued. "Wouldn't you like to get some payback on the man who put you in this predicament in the first place? If I can have your cooperation, I can assure you that Shunsui Kyouraku will get what is coming to him. Do we have a deal?"


	52. Messing Around

**Author's Notes: The most awesome people review this story!!! I haven't been able to do individual responses, so I'm going to do a major shout-out to all who reviewed since the last chapter was posted: Thank you to Vivienne Grainger, XiaBubbleQueen, ThierryMyst, Saritenite, darkangel1910, SendMoreParamedics, Anynymys1, and Noey. A huge God bless you and thank you to the many who have favorited this story and my other stories: _Regression_, _Regression Blues_, _Sarah Tay at the Seireitei_. I have been shocked and delighted by the response.**

**My original vision for the story's ending has changed as I've gotten some clarity on it, so I'm in the process of weaving pieces together now to make a satisfying conclusion. But don't worry. We've got ****quite a few chapters of craziness to go. There's some good stuff coming up. I just want to be certain that all of the pieces fit. Some chapters help to advance the story and set the scene and maybe aren't as funny as you'd expect from me, but go with it. I think you'll like the way it all ends up. Thank you all for your loyalty. Keep those reviews coming. I appreciate every one, even if I don't respond. (I'll try to do better.) And I still don't own or profit from _Bleach_. I'll be posting another one soon.**

* * *

For the sake of appearances, the whereabouts of the Hisagi Five were kept secret. If the general populace (mainly the Oomaeda family) knew that the captain general had gone easy on them, there would have been more hell to pay and Yama-Jii needed a hemorrhoid more than he needed more trouble. For all the general public knew, they were still in jail.

It was a good deal for the convicted Shinigami. By special arrangement, the captain general had allowed Renji, Kira and Yumichika to stay within the confines of the exclusive Kuchiki Resort to the delight of Kira and Yumichika, but to the utter dismay of Renji who was expecting revenge from Byakuya around every bend. Ikkaku and Hisagi had been assigned to a work crew to help clean up the fight arena, but in the evenings, it was gourmet food, hot springs and back rubs for sore muscles.

Although not technically on trial, Shunsui Kyouraku was having to pay for his sins as well. He couldn't dispute the fact that, originally, it had been his hare-brained scheme for finding a man for Nanao that had led the others to act the way they did. As the captain general had chided, "Tsk tsk tsk on the tasks, tasks, tasks!" The captain general had also strongly 'suggested' that he should start to work on cleaning up Ukitake's koi ponds. It was a suggestion that Shunsui could not ignore. Any peace and quiet he had expected to have while Nanao was otherwise occupied with a man had gone the way of a cleansed hollow. He hadn't expected that man to be Jushiro.

Damn Jushiro anyway for taking his vice captain and for insisting that he rebuild the ponds alone. He had tried reasoning with his friend, pleading with him, bribing him, but Jushiro would not budge. Nor would he let Shunsui commandeer Hisagi or Ikkaku away from their fight arena detail.

His desk had been getting piled high with papers that Nanao would normally take care of. Finally, he could put it off no longer. His choices were do the paperwork or build koi ponds. Neither one was an appealing option. About mid-morning, he set out for Ukitake's house from the eighth. On the way he decided that out of kindness, he would give his friend one more chance to change his mind about this absurdity.

"I'm here, Jushiro, ready to rebuild your koi ponds, just as I promised, my friend. But, really," he stood on a cement stepping stone in the middle of what used to be one of the prized koi ponds, "can't you just hire someone? My money's paying for this anyway. I say hire some poor sot to do the work and save my aching back. Besides, I'm sure Nanao is driving you crazy by now." He yawned, stretching his arms above his head, and scanned the mud-caked grounds, hoping for a reprieve. It was going to be a lot of ball-breaking work, and his balls had done nothing more than hang between his legs for a very long time.

"On the contrary, Shunsui. She's a highly effective worker. I can only hope that some of her work ethic has rubbed off on you." Ukitake stood next to him on the stones, his arms folded over his chest. "Besides, hiring someone else to do your work just wouldn't be right, now would it? You know I'm a kind person, but sometimes people tend to take advantage of my kindness and it TICKS ME OFF!" He wagged a finger in Shunsui's face. "Now start digging! You've got a lot of work to do, my old friend." He pointed to a wheelbarrow full of shovels and picks along the side of the pond and said, "You remember my fortune cookie, don't you, Shunsui? 'The wise man asks for bigger and better things.' I'm not asking; I'm expecting, and if it isn't done to my satisfaction, you'll do it over. Is that understood?"

As Ukitake strode off towards the house, Shunsui Kyouraku watched the white haired figure retreat. "Slave driver. Has everyone gone mad?" He rolled his eyes and headed towards the wheelbarrow. His foot slipped on the slick path, plunging ankle deep into the mud. After a few more missteps and two muddy sandals later, he reached the three-wheeled contraption, grabbed the handles, and lifted. Pushing it ahead of him, he carefully picked his way back across the pond, slipping and sliding and cursing in the slick of the mud as he went. Ruefully, he thought, _at least it's better than paperwork_.

* * *

The captain of the thirteenth entered his residence with only a quick glance over his shoulder towards his friend of many years.

"Well?" came a gruff voice.

"It went as planned, Captain General."

"Good! Perhaps he will finally learn his lesson, eh, Nanao Ise?"

"Perhaps, sir," came the reply. The vice captain stood away from the men, wrapping herself in a hug. "I suppose he deserves it."

"Second thoughts, Nanao?" asked Ukitake, closing the distance between them.

"Maybe a few, sir," she mumbled into his haori as he pulled her into a fatherly embrace.

"Don't you worry, my dear. I didn't like raising my voice to him either, but Shunsui has had this coming. He won't take you for granted any more and he'll treat us both with the respect we deserve. On the plus side," he said gently, "I'll get better trained officers because of you and brand new koi ponds because of Shunsui and you get a nice little romance because of Hisagi."

Yama-Jii's mustache waggled as he chuckled, "And the Captain General gets to contemplate babies, eh, Nanao?"

Ukitake smiled at the old man. "It works out for everyone concerned, don't you think?"

Nanao rolled her eyes and gave a short smile. "I suppose, Captain Ukitake."

The captain released her, only to grab her shoulders again in order to look into her eyes. "No more second thoughts then. Full steam ahead."

"Yes, sir!" She nodded her head, her resolve reinforced. As much as she still loved and admired her captain, he had gone too far this time. Captain Ukitake was right. Shunsui Kyouraku needed to learn a lesson, a lesson of respect, and if he didn't learn it now, Nanao knew she would face another twenty years of "Nanao, do this; Nanao, do that" and she was damned sick and tired of it. Besides, where was the harm in a little smoochy-face with a good kisser like Shuuhei? It's not like they were serious about each other.

From the doorway where they were hidden from view, Sentarou mimicked, "'Full steam ahead.' 'Yes, sir, sir!'" He saluted Kiyone in a mock show of respect. "I can't believe he still doesn't think we're good enough to be his vice captains. He just had to bring her in, didn't he?"

Kiyone elbowed him in the side. "Whatsamatter, Sentarou, are you jealous because she's better than you?"

"That's just stupid, Kiyone."

"Could you beat her in battle?" she asked.

"That pencil pushing, book reading, glasses wearing little wimp? Hell, no. She scares me."

She poked him in the ribs again. "Then shut up and learn, you moron."

He pushed her away aggressively, harder than he had intended. "I'm not a moron."

Angered, she pushed back harder. "Are too!" His head slammed against the far wall. Not even his hair nor his headband could save his head from the hard whack it took.

Dazed, he grabbed her collar, pulling her close enough to see the gray specks in her sexy blue eyes as she fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Am not."

Her warm breath caressed his cheek as she leaned seductively into him, her breasts crushing heavily against his chest. "Are too," she cooed.

"Am not." With his powerful muscles, he lifted her towards him until only her toes remained on the floor. Their scents intermingled. His freshly-washed headband and the syrup from his breakfast waffles on his breath combined with her rose-scented perfume and powdery deodorant, sending his senses into overdrive. So sweet. So sexy. So Kiyone.

"Ah, Kiyone. How long are we going to deny our feelings for each other?"

"Oh, Sentarou," she sighed breathlessly, wrapping her arms around his neck. Their eyes locked as he embraced her tightly. She quivered with excitement as his lips drew near. "Kiyone!" The two came together for a passionate kiss. She had been waiting for this moment all her life. Right as her lips were about to taste the heavenly hunk, he sighed into her open mouth, proclaiming, "I am NOT climbing those stairs again!" 1

"Sentarou!" A hard whack to his arm brought him out of his trauma-induced daydream. An angry Kiyone was winding up to take another slug at him. "Sentarou, get off me! What the heck are you mumbling about? And put your lips back in your face. You look like one of Captain Ukitake's koi, one of the ugly ones."

A bit confused, he let go of the peeved girl and felt the lump forming on the back of his head from where it had hit the wall. He scrubbed at the lump. "You gave me a concussion."

"I did not, you dolt. Let me see." Kiyone went up on her tiptoes in front of him to inspect his bruised head. "You're fine, Stupid Head."

"Stupid Head? See if I kiss you again any time soon." Pouting, he crossed his arms. "And don't bother asking me to climb the stairs with you either!"

She hit him on the shoulder. "Stairs? What are you…? You haven't even kissed me the first time." Picking up her foot, she slammed it down hard towards the top of his foot, bringing her head down at the same time. He jumped out of the way just in time, all the while watching her feet in case she tried it again.

BANG! A loud noise exploded right next to them on the other side of the wall. Kiyone's head whipped up and smacked into the bridge of Sentarou's nose.

He grabbed his nose, pinching the nostrils shut. "Ow, ow, ow! You brokt my dnose!"

"You broke my head!"

"I din nah!"

"Yes, you did!"

"Din nah!"

Nanao poked her head around the corner and asked sweetly, "Are you two ready for training or do you need more kissy time?"

Rubbing the top of her head, Kiyone glared at Nanao. "We weren't having kissy time."

"We would have if she hadn't come around the corner so fast." he said, wiggling his nose and testing it with a deep inhale.

"In your dreams!" Exasperated, Kiyone searched Nanao's face for understanding. "See why I can't work with him, Nanao?" She pointed at him. "Sentarou's an idiot. All men are idiots! Tell me it wasn't like this with you and Hisagi. He's not an idiot too, is he?"

Nanao raised an eyebrow, her sweet demeanor gone. "Kindly leave my relationship with Vice Captain Hisagi out of this. If the two of you aren't in the practice field in two minutes, you're going to be kissing your backsides good-bye. Now move it!"

"That's harsh," Kiyone simpered. "I thought we were friends."

"We are, after office hours. Meet me out back. Bring your swords. Pronto!" Nanao strode off down the hall towards the back of the house. Before going out the door, she looked back over her shoulder. "And Kiyone, to answer your question, he's a man too, isn't he?"

After watching her leave, Kiyone turned to Sentarou. "I knew men were idiots, but that just confirms it. Come on, idiot. We'd better get out there before she kicks our butts."

Sentarou sneered at his companion. "I told you she was scary."

She gave him a funny look. "She doesn't have the market on scary, Mr. Fish Lips."

"But the captain general does!" Yama-Jii appeared from around the corner, his whiskers and eyebrows flaring around him. "Now get moving!"

"Yes, sir! Captain General, sir." They took off running after Nanao, arguing all the way.

"I was going to say that."

"Beat you to it, Nyah-nyah."

"I'll beat your head against the wall."

"You already did." They and their noise vanished out the back door.

The captain general moved back into the room and looked at Jushiro. "Underlings are so fun to mess with, don't you agree, Jushiro?"

"Those two can be quite amusing, Yama," laughed Ukitake.

"Who said I was talking about them?" replied the old man as he peered out the window towards the dark-haired man with the shovel as he stood alone in the mud.

* * *

**A/N:** 1) DolphinWhisperer was at it again! She provided a challenge when I wasn't looking (The two came together for a passionate kiss. She had been waiting for this moment all her life. Right as her lips were about to taste the heavenly hunk, he sighed into her open mouth, proclaiming, "I am NOT climbing those stairs again!") and this is what I did with it. Hope you enjoyed Sentarou's little trip into FantasyLand.


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